I know it has been a month since I last wrote something on this blog. I went traveling for some time and I have prepared to write about positive traveling memories. Yet I stopped doing so as I was brought down by my unsatisfactory exam results. My determination to write positively was put to a side until these recent days; I looked at my blog again. I know I don’t have a lot of readers, yet I did have a goal about writing this blog which I almost forgot about – I am to share my own experience of mental health battle, to speak about my true feelings, and I need to remind myself and whoever that reads what I write that mental health illness is curable.
我知道從我上次在這個博客上面寫帖文，已經有一個月了。 有一段時間我去旅行了，而本來準備好將會寫一些正面的旅行回憶的。 但是，由於我的考試結果不理想，我停止了這樣做的想法。 我決心寫積極的東西的態度被我放到一邊去，直到最近幾天， 我再次閱讀了我的這個博客。 我知道我不是擁有很多讀者，但我確實有一個要寫這個博客的目標，我竟然幾乎忘了 – 我要分享我自己精神問題的經驗，談論我的真實感受，我需要提醒自己和任何讀我寫的文章的讀者，精神疾病是可治癒的。
Today I must say that I am fortunate. My doctor has recommended that I fly back home for a check-up, but I didn’t do so. I have however managed to deal my emotions by continuing my medication solely. This week, I had a sudden suicidal thought. I was on my own, feeling lonely. I saw myself associated with many failures. In the end, my suicidal thought left me quietly and I was calm again. I am quite certain that I had learnt to think about solutions and accepted that I failed different things in life, even though I did not master the controlling of my emotions completely and fully. I tell myself, you know what, at least it is worthy to be grateful for being alive and had the resources to travel. The truth is, I will be a true loser if I go ahead and plot my suicide. (This is worth remembering).
今天我必須說我很幸運。醫生建議我要飛回去香港進行檢查，但我沒有這樣做。 不過，我仍然通過繼續服用藥物來調整我的情緒。 今個星期，我突然萌生了自殺的想法；我自己一個人，感到孤獨。 我看到自己有許多失敗的地方。 最後，我的自殺念頭安靜下來，我也冷靜下來。儘管我沒有完全和全面掌握我的情緒控制，我現在挺肯定，我已經學會了找解決方案，並接受了我在生活中不同的失敗了。 我告訴自己，要知道，至少感激自己活著，有資源可以去旅行。 事實是，如果我繼續前進，規劃我的自殺，我將是一個真正的loser。 （這可要好好記住了）。
There are things still stress me out and frighten me, the obvious example is to have to redo my exams soon. I still have ups and downs, of course, but I made it through till today. I managed to travel around and remained happy, well, crying occasionally. I prayed and I still pray, for upholding my gratitude towards things I have. I remember I was so committed to volunteer and was so eager to tell everybody to pay attention to and to care those who struggle mentally. So I tell myself, I need to keep doing this even today.
有些事情仍然給我壓力和嚇唬我，明顯的例子是不久之後，我必須重新去再考我的考試。 日子在過著，我還是有一定的情緒起伏。 但是，我可以四處旅遊，保持快樂；偶爾哭泣而已。 之前我祈禱，我仍然在祈禱，我想保持著一個對事物感恩／感激的態度。 我記得我是如此致力於義工活動，並且非常渴望告訴大家注意和關心精神上有困難的人們。 所以我告訴自己，即使在今天，我也要繼續這樣下去才可。
P.S Hopefully I can write about my travel next time. 希望下次可以好好寫下旅遊的經歷吧。