Guess it is a good idea to start off with a good news, ta da! My psychiatrist in yesterday’s appointment confirmed that I have entered a much more stable stage, because I STOPPED CRYING! At around the first week of April, I remember I was still crying regularly, just like I did in my last three months. I always had so much supply of tears that each time when something triggered myself into an emotional breakdown, I cried non-stop for at least 6 hours. Now think about it, I find it sad, scary and stupid; it was so sad and scary that I could cry for this long damaging my health, and it was stupid that my common triggering factor is each individual person who mistreated me or who let me down without me being able to foresee it at all. I know I have to live for my own freedom to be free from tears, and it was last Monday that I was determined not to cry for others anymore.
我想，由聊聊一個好消息去開始這次的帖文會是個好主意，ta da！我的精神科醫生在昨天的診症裏確認我已經進入了一個更加穩定的階段，因為我停止哭了！在四月的第一個星期，我記得我還在哭泣，就像過去的三個月裡一樣。我總是有這麼多的淚水。每當有人觸動自己陷入情緒崩潰時，我不停地哭，每次至少6個小時。現在想想，我覺得這可真是教我悲傷，害怕，但又感覺愚蠢; 哭泣這樣長的時間是如此悲傷和可怕，也損害我的健康，而這是愚蠢的，因為我的觸發因素之一竟是那些每個對我壞的人所給的回憶，或是那些讓我失望的人。我沒有能夠預知他們所帶來的傷害，誘發了自己情緒失控。我知道我必須為自己的自由而弄掉流淚，而上星期一，我決心不要為別人哭泣。
Of course, I don’t mean it is not OK to cry for people when it is in the sympathetic way. Only by feeling people’s pain should I be able to help them. So what I mean is I determined not to cry because of these bad people who appeared in my past. I was stretching my legs last Monday night and suddenly I thought I need to install this determination. I silently prayed in my heart that I was promising my Heavenly Father I would not cry for these people anymore, and also made the same promise for myself. I also switched to new meds on this same Monday. For what I believe, my own determination, prayer and medicine worked together. Since last Monday, I just focused on meeting my essay deadline without crying. By this second, I feel so impressed about myself for the very first time.
I also asked my psychiatrist whether I could quit taking meds soon. He said, it all depends. Oh well, why am I not surprised. The same old stuff: it depends on how I progress, but it can also be that I need medicine to be calm at all times so I need to be on meds for life, who knows.
I am in the mood of gratitude. I stopped crying and managed to do different stuff. I managed to meet my essay deadline, I had a nice time catching up with my friend dining at a very nice restaurant after seeing my psychiatrist (man, it has a Alice and the Wonderland theme hehe, check out my food album on the Facebook page!), I still can exercise and have become more focused on my studies (not like I am very very focused but at least more focused than before). This contrasts so greatly as to how I cried regularly, and even more greatly to the time I would just lie on the sofa, switching between crying and sleeping.
I want to end with saying that I believe I need to confirm with myself, only I know myself the best. This thought comes from my conversation with my psychiatrist earlier. I told him that I would no longer seek to become a lawyer as this was too tiring. His response back then was feeling sorry that I gave up. I told him I don’t actually have a ‘lawyer dream’ so it is Ok. Just in yesterday’s appointment, he told me that when I am healed, I would have the ability to endure the hard process of getting qualified as a lawyer. Like before, I repeated that I would not try to become one, even though I know my friends who also do law like me and who will become lawyers will be earning more than me as a result. So it was not a surprise that he insisted saying I should do the same too. I said I wanted a life. I want to be able to get out of work at a reasonable hour. Nonetheless, he just chose to tell me that I may not think the same and may be back on wanting to become a lawyer, and it was kinda funny for him to say that because I will never know what my mind would decide in the future, and I might still insist not to right?
Even my psychiatrist always has been listening to different parts of my life since I have become his patient, including career thoughts, he can’t get it anymore now that I have told him my mindset is different. I am aiming to look for jobs that require a law degree, but just that I don’t go down the route to become a lawyer.
I have now got this heart which I don’t know where from, but I feel that I want to devote my spare time to volunteering outside of work in the future. This will make one’s heart’s work hard, and it is happy to just remember how I had enjoyed volunteering last year. When busy people who want to be charitable, they may write cheques to donate money. For me, I want to be physically active in being charitable instead, and only I know this is what I prefer. It’s all right when my psychiatrist or others don’t get me. I know what I want to do, my psychiatrist checks on my emotions and gives me my meds, and that’s all I really need anyways,
Being active than indirectly providing money is so different that it makes you feel truly useful to others in need or to those who are happy to receive help from you. You feel so morally good about yourself too. Being thankful to be on track of healing, I want to return the favour to those who want me to help them. But for now my priority is to finish my master degree first.