Mastermind

Bye bye tears 眼淚再見了


Guess it is a good idea to start off with a good news, ta da! My psychiatrist in yesterday’s appointment confirmed that I have entered a much more stable stage, because I STOPPED CRYING! At around the first week of April, I remember I was still crying regularly, just like I did in my last three months. I always had so much supply of tears that each time when something triggered myself into an emotional breakdown, I cried non-stop for at least 6 hours. Now think about it, I find it sad, scary and stupid; it was so sad and scary that I could cry for this long damaging my health, and it was stupid that my common triggering factor is each individual person who mistreated me or who let me down without me being able to foresee it at all. I know I have to live for my own freedom to be free from tears, and it was last Monday that I was determined not to cry for others anymore.

我想,由聊聊一個好消息去開始這次的帖文會是個好主意,ta da!我的精神科醫生在昨天的診症裏確認我已經進入了一個更加穩定的階段,因為我停止哭了!在四月的第一個星期,我記得我還在哭泣,就像過去的三個月裡一樣。我總是有這麼多的淚水。每當有人觸動自己陷入情緒崩潰時,我不停地哭,每次至少6個小時。現在想想,我覺得這可真是教我悲傷,害怕,但又感覺愚蠢; 哭泣這樣長的時間是如此悲傷和可怕,也損害我的健康,而這是愚蠢的,因為我的觸發因素之一竟是那些每個對我壞的人所給的回憶,或是那些讓我失望的人。我沒有能夠預知他們所帶來的傷害,誘發了自己情緒失控。我知道我必須為自己的自由而弄掉流淚,而上星期一,我決心不要為別人哭泣。

 

Of course, I don’t mean it is not OK to cry for people when it is in the sympathetic way. Only by feeling people’s pain should I be able to help them. So what I mean is I determined not to cry because of these bad people who appeared in my past. I was stretching my legs last Monday night and suddenly I thought I need to install this determination. I silently prayed in my heart that I was promising my Heavenly Father I would not cry for these people anymore, and also made the same promise for myself. I also switched to new meds on this same Monday. For what I believe, my own determination, prayer and medicine worked together. Since last Monday, I just focused on meeting my essay deadline without crying. By this second, I feel so impressed about myself for the very first time.

當然,我並不是說以同情心的方式為別的人們哭泣不可。只有感受到人們的痛苦才能幫助他們。所以我的意思是我決心不要因為過去出現的壞人而哭泣而已。星期一晚上,我正在伸展拉根,突然間,我覺得我有需要下定這個決心。我默默地在心裡祈禱,我承諾我的天父,我不再為這些人哭泣,也為我自己做了同樣的諾言。我也在同一個星期換到一批新藥去服用。我相信,我自己的決心,禱告和醫學共同合作。自上週一以來,我只是專注於在要交的功課論文截止日期前努力把它做好,而沒有在哭。時至這一秒,我第一次對自己感覺良好。

 

I also asked my psychiatrist whether I could quit taking meds soon. He said, it all depends. Oh well, why am I not surprised. The same old stuff: it depends on how I progress, but it can also be that I need medicine to be calm at all times so I need to be on meds for life, who knows.

我也問我的精神科醫生是否可以很快就不需服用藥物了,他說這一切都要「看著辦」。我也其實不驚訝。像已前說的一樣:這取決於我的進程,但也可能是我需要藥物才可在任何時候都保持冷靜,而所以我需要終生吃藥,分正沒有人知道我會怎樣吧。

 

I am in the mood of gratitude. I stopped crying and managed to do different stuff. I managed to meet my essay deadline, I had a nice time catching up with my friend dining at a very nice restaurant after seeing my psychiatrist (man, it has a Alice and the Wonderland theme hehe, check out my food album on the Facebook page!), I still can exercise and have become more focused on my studies (not like I am very very focused but at least more focused than before). This contrasts so greatly as to how I cried regularly, and even more greatly to the time I would just lie on the sofa, switching between crying and sleeping.

我有著感激的心情。我停止哭泣,也有能力做不同的事情。我設法趕功課,在看完醫生可以去好好去一頓(餐廳有著愛麗絲夢遊仙境的主題,查看這個博客的Facebook頁面上的食物相冊就可以看看照片hehe。 )再之後,我仍然可以去做運動,並更加專注於我的學習(不是說我很集中念書,但至少比以前更集中了)。這與我如何經常哭泣的以前對比很大,也跟我只會躺在沙發上,只能切換於哭泣和睡覺之間的那更早的以前對比更大。

 

c54e9f07ab6c898a76c8fa09c6a68899_maybe-i-should-indeed-find-i-know-myself-clipart_300-300

I want to end with saying that I believe I need to confirm with myself, only I know myself the best. This thought comes from my conversation with my psychiatrist earlier. I told him that I would no longer seek to become a lawyer as this was too tiring. His response back then was feeling sorry that I gave up. I told him I don’t actually have a ‘lawyer dream’ so it is Ok. Just in yesterday’s appointment, he told me that when I am healed, I would have the ability to endure the hard process of getting qualified as a lawyer. Like before, I repeated that I would not try to become one, even though I know my friends who also do law like me and who will become lawyers will be earning more than me as a result. So it was not a surprise that he insisted saying I should do the same too. I said I wanted a life. I want to be able to get out of work at a reasonable hour. Nonetheless, he just chose to tell me that I may not think the same and may be back on wanting to become a lawyer, and it was kinda funny for him to say that because I will never know what my mind would decide in the future, and I might still insist not to right?

我想在最後說,我相信我需要自己確認,只有我才是最認識自己的人。這個想法來自我早些時候和我的精神科醫生的對話。我告訴他,我不會再尋求成為一名律師了,因為太累了。當時他的回應是感到遺憾,因為我放棄了。我告訴他,我實際上並沒有一個「律師夢」,所以沒關係。就在昨天的診症中,他告訴我,當我都被完全治愈時,我將有能力忍受去考律師資格的艱難過程。像以前一樣,我重申,我不會試圖成為一個律師,即使我知道像我一樣念法律的朋友,成為律師的他們將會比我有更多的收入。所以醫生他堅持說我也應該這樣做一樣的事,也不能說他奇怪。只是,我說,我想要有生活。我想能夠在一個合理的時間下班,但他只是選擇告訴我,我將來可能就不會這樣想,而是想要成為一名律師。他說,這是因為我不會知道我日後的想法會使我決定什麼。這樣說的他可真有趣了,因為我不知道我日後的想法,那我就可能堅持我現在的決定啊。

 

Even my psychiatrist always has been listening to different parts of my life since I have become his patient, including career thoughts, he can’t get it anymore now that I have told him my mindset is different. I am aiming to look for jobs that require a law degree, but just that I don’t go down the route to become a lawyer.

打從我是病人以後,我的精神科醫生一直在聽我生活不同部分的故事,也包括了對事業的想法。但他現在不能明白我了,因為現在我的心態不同了。我正在尋找需要法律學位的工作,但是我不會走那成為律師的路。

 

I have now got this heart which I don’t know where from, but I feel that I want to devote my spare time to volunteering outside of work in the future. This will make one’s heart’s work hard, and it is happy to just remember how I had enjoyed volunteering last year. When busy people who want to be charitable, they may write cheques to donate money. For me, I want to be physically active in being charitable instead, and only I know this is what I prefer. It’s all right when my psychiatrist or others don’t get me. I know what I want to do, my psychiatrist checks on my emotions and gives me my meds, and that’s all I really need anyways,

我現在有了這個我不知道從哪裡來的心,就是我覺得我未來工作之外,要把閒暇時間去投入義務工作。這樣的心使人變得更加努力,並且回想去我去年如何享受義工服務也好高興。當忙碌的人想要為慈善做些甚麼時,他們可能會寫支票捐錢。對於我來說,我想要身體力行去活躍於慈善,而只有我知道這是我喜歡做的。也許醫生或別人很難理解我。沒關係的,我知道我想做什麼,醫生檢查我的情緒,給我我要的藥物,這就夠了。

 

Being active than indirectly providing money is so different that it makes you feel truly useful to others in need or to those who are happy to receive help from you. You feel so morally good about yourself too. Being thankful to be on track of healing, I want to return the favour to those who want me to help them. But for now my priority is to finish my master degree first.

活躍而不是間接地提供資金是非常不同的; 它使人感到,原來自己對有需要的人或樂意接受自己的幫助的人是有用的。還有,對自己也有道德上的好感。我能感激自己在康復的軌道上,我想回禮去希望我能幫助需要我的人。但現在來說,首要還是要先把我的碩士念好。

❤ Lala

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s