Mastermind

Tears&jealousy 嫉妒&眼淚

This time I will be really quick and honest in spilling out what I want to say – I think my jealousy kills me. Have you ever hated some people for they have broken or burdened your heart and then you have discovered that they end up now living a better life than you? That’s exactly what I feel and I don’t see why as I thought there is justice on earth.

這一次,我會超級快速和誠實地吐出我想說的話 – 我覺得我的嫉妒毀了我自己。 你有沒有討厭過因為某些人教你內心臟難過或沉重,然後你發現他們竟現在生活得比你更美好? 這正是我的感覺而我不明白為什麼,因為我本認為地球上是有公義的。

jealous_tears___animation_by_ally_tan-d7bj0pl

 

Actually it’s a pretty stupid thing to do to myself because these people wouldn’t even bother to shed one drop of tears for me if I die, I’m making myself to become the biggest joke ever to still care and get all furious and sad to cry over their seemingly success over me.

其實我這樣是對我自己做著一件非常愚蠢的事情,因為如果我死了,這些人甚至不會為我流下一滴淚水,仍然在乎别人看來似乎比自己成功的我因為感到很傷心和憤怒而痛哭,我只是將自己成為一個最大的笑話。

 

 

Sadly, I just can’t control myself from feeling so sad about this and jealously was one of many factors which triggered me into emotional breakdown. I had been having a routine of crying for 5/6 hours weekly for over three months now. Even now I’m on new medication, this routine maintains and I m tired of living a life with this routine. I had missed quite a number of classes over the last 3 months due to my inability both at emotional control and academics, and if this routine remains, I won’t be able to go to work in the future as I cannot just suddenly decide not to show up at work. But eventually there would be bills to pay and it won’t be possible to rely on my parents like a kid forever.

可悲的是,我無法控制自己對此感到如此悲傷,而嫉妒是引起我情緒崩潰的諸多因素之一。上三個月,我有一個每週一次哭泣5/6小時常規。 即使現在我正在服用新的藥物,這個例行常規維持著,而我厭倦了這常規是我生活的一部分。 由於我在自我情緒控制和學習難力上都無能為力了,過去的3個月內我期實都逃了不少課,如果這個常規繼續去存在,我將來會無法上班,因為我不能突然失控就不去想班的。 但最終我也會有賬單要去支付,不可能像一個小孩子般永遠依靠我的父母。

 

So I ask myself, where can I find a future for myself, whilst at the same time, I ask why those who do bad deeds live such a great life.

所以我問自己,在哪裡我可以找到自己的未來,同時我也問為什麼那些做壞事的人過著如此好的生活。

❤ Lala

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