This time I will be really quick and honest in spilling out what I want to say – I think my jealousy kills me. Have you ever hated some people for they have broken or burdened your heart and then you have discovered that they end up now living a better life than you? That’s exactly what I feel and I don’t see why as I thought there is justice on earth.
這一次，我會超級快速和誠實地吐出我想說的話 – 我覺得我的嫉妒毀了我自己。 你有沒有討厭過因為某些人教你內心臟難過或沉重，然後你發現他們竟現在生活得比你更美好？ 這正是我的感覺而我不明白為什麼，因為我本認為地球上是有公義的。
Actually it’s a pretty stupid thing to do to myself because these people wouldn’t even bother to shed one drop of tears for me if I die, I’m making myself to become the biggest joke ever to still care and get all furious and sad to cry over their seemingly success over me.
Sadly, I just can’t control myself from feeling so sad about this and jealously was one of many factors which triggered me into emotional breakdown. I had been having a routine of crying for 5/6 hours weekly for over three months now. Even now I’m on new medication, this routine maintains and I m tired of living a life with this routine. I had missed quite a number of classes over the last 3 months due to my inability both at emotional control and academics, and if this routine remains, I won’t be able to go to work in the future as I cannot just suddenly decide not to show up at work. But eventually there would be bills to pay and it won’t be possible to rely on my parents like a kid forever.
可悲的是，我無法控制自己對此感到如此悲傷，而嫉妒是引起我情緒崩潰的諸多因素之一。上三個月，我有一個每週一次哭泣5/6小時常規。 即使現在我正在服用新的藥物，這個例行常規維持著，而我厭倦了這常規是我生活的一部分。 由於我在自我情緒控制和學習難力上都無能為力了，過去的3個月內我期實都逃了不少課，如果這個常規繼續去存在，我將來會無法上班，因為我不能突然失控就不去想班的。 但最終我也會有賬單要去支付，不可能像一個小孩子般永遠依靠我的父母。
So I ask myself, where can I find a future for myself, whilst at the same time, I ask why those who do bad deeds live such a great life.