Please scroll down to the bottom for the English translation! 英文版在中文版下面！
當我以前，就是在在2015年底認為我是唯一一個想到這個跳軌的「厲害想法」的人去殺死自己，然後又在一個星期前看到這個新聞，我似乎忘記了有精神問題的人其實沒有權利讓任何人因為我們的去世後離開得到創傷的精神狀態。 由於我們的死亡，別的人們受苦，或者也許我們可以說，由於那些試圖通過跳入路軌來殺死自己的人，駕駛員因此而受到精神問題。 這是一個「雙輸」的局面; 有些人死亡，有些就有精神問題了。
下面是我發給一個朋友的訊息，我突然想到要去分享這個訊息的內容，因為這真的說明了我在這整個星期的想法。 恐怕我曾經或我還是好自私，我打擾了在我生命中認識我的人，他們受到我不穩定的精神狀態影響。 我生病了，但是如果聲稱我生病了，所以我不斷要求人們更多地要和我說話，或者要經常在我身邊出現，結果我打斷他們在做什麼，那我不是好自私嗎？
我覺得自己讓我周圍的人感到挫折或沮喪其實好自私。 我生病的事實已讓我很煩惱了，我也不想自己自私。 但是，除了保持安靜和不要在任何人面前流淚之外，我不知道該怎麼做。
我可以大膽地說，我從來沒有傷害任何人，但我可能對自己好不誠實。 當我每隔幾天自己就哭泣的時6個小時後，我還能臉上掛上一個微笑，恭維我在外面見面的人。 事實上，我的心感到像分裂了一樣，我從來沒有接受過我好像怪物，因為我比一個嬰兒哭得更厲害。 當我的情緒沒有引起我腦海中一片混亂時，我就使用我的Instagram像投影機一樣，只是投射著我如何享受生活。 至今，我還沒有傷害任何人，但在自己眼中，我好虛僞。
I want to talk about a piece of news I read, I have put the link here:
- There have been nearly 600 suicide attempts on the Tube since 2003.
When I used to think I was the only one who came up with this ‘brilliant idea’ to jump into the rail-track to kill myself near the end of 2015, and then 1 week ago I saw this news, I seem to have forgotten that having mental problems does not give a right to any of us to leave others with traumatised mental state after our death. Due to our death, people suffer or maybe we can say due to those who tried to kill themselves by jumping into the tube track, the drivers suffer mental problems as a result. This is a ‘lose-lose’ situation; some died, some caught mental problems.
Below it was actually a message I sent to a friend and I suddenly thought I would share this as this really speaks about what I think over this entire week. I am afraid that I have been or I am still so selfish that I bother people who know me in my life, who get affected by my unstable mental state. I am sick, but if by claiming that I am sick so I keep asking people to say to me words of concern just more often, or to be present by my side more often and as a result I interrupt them from what they are doing, ain’t I selfish？
I understand that friends come and go, they may simply be people who pass by in my life. A few words of concern would be sufficient, and those who take it in action to come to me in person would be precious friends – after all, they have no duty to do this.
Each friend has her own life so I am not supposed to bother a friend each time when I get emotionally unstable, as this would be too much. For once or twice it is acceptable to do so, but not for a long-term illness. Being sick does not mean that I may affect my friend’s life, and I am not saying that friends do not treat me well but rather, I remind myself, I need to know the boundary, to not to cross the line to demand what a friend may do for me as this is selfishness. I always think that could it be that having this sickness that sicks around is a type of punishment, but if instead it is a trial for me, then I just want to put my hands up and declare that I lost.
The relationship of romance is even more fragile, since a person has to carry a burden that is larger than that of a friend’s, and yet human nature is selfish, human heart is deceitful, thus romance is a luxury to those with a long-term illness. Humans are born mean but not kind, and when a person is not blood-related to a long-term sick person, why would one person be willing to take up this responsibility to be kind and nice to the sick person? It may be fair just to say that this kind of people simply manifest their inborn nature to decide treating the other half selfishly, so why should I be surprised? I can just accept this truth and stay away from these people and I would be fine. I guess this is why volunteering work is so important as it serves as a reminder to prevent people in general from manifesting such inborn nature.
At last only family members remain there and reach out their hands to me, because they understand very well that however frustrating or annoying the sick member may be, they cannot change the fact that they are linked by DNA. When the church says ‘we are in the the same family in Christ’, this simply means they are letting people to enter the church, but the home that actually allows me to take shelter in would be the home where presence of my biological is present. Having triggered by family into emotional outbreaks, I have come to understand that although the door of home remains open for me, from now on I am to be aware of my words, my behaviour. This is because I have already bothered them too much and I also don’t want to make them feel troubled. As there is no one who can change my current situation, then at the least I would be better off at not making others to worry about me for my sickness.
I guess it is better to keep my thoughts to myself and zip up my mouth.
I guess it is better to be aware to not to speak too much about my sadness, as speaking about it does not make a difference to my condition, and it’s better not to bother any others.
I want to let you know that in the past, I could not understand why would people do volunteering work without getting paid, but I finally know why until I fell sick. If everyone thinks like this, sooner or later, everybody would say to cure any sick people would be a waste of resources, and only those who are healthy both physically and mentally would be qualified to exist in our society.
I feel so frustrated that I may bring frustration to the people around me. I am already very troubled by the fact that I am sick, and I do not want to be selfish. But I do not know what to do, except to keep quiet and not to cry in front of anyone.
It’s such a paradox. When I am normally encouraged to express my emotions rather than remain silent, I have to hide my tears in order to avoid affecting the others negatively.
I can be quite boldly to say that I have never harmed anyone but I may not be honest about myself. Tired from crying for 6 hours every few days when I am on my own, I could still put up a smile and compliment people that I meet when I am outside. In fact, my heart feels torn apart and I have never accepted that I cry like a monster, worse than a baby. When my emotions don’t stir up chaos in my mind, I use my Instagram like a projector just laying out how I am enjoying life. I still haven’t harmed anyone up to this moment, but this is how fake I may seem, at least in front of my own eyes.