Mastermind

Apologies to myself 我對不起我

For the past three days, I have dramatic emotional changes that I decide I must re-write what I have already written back on the first day when I had one of those usual episode of emotional breakdown. I was alone in my studio on the first day dealing with shamefulness that I felt about myself, followed by the second day when I thought that I could restore hopes for my future, then was down and distressed on the third day because I felt that I could not even do the one of those simplest things in life, which was to get up and go to class. I do realise I repeat what I say a lot in those previous posts, but it won’t be the same case in this post. I have discovered something new about myself. Maybe I have got rid of my mental problems already, but what still turns me into tears so regularly is due to my personality.

在過去三天,我情緒變化得好激動,所以我決定必須重寫我在第一天本來已經寫好的帖文;那天,我又像平時一樣,突然情緒失控。第一天,我獨自一人在我的房間裡處理我的羞恥心,到第二天,我卻恢復對自己未來的希望,然後在第三天,我又感到好痛苦,原因是我覺得我竟然不能做到生活中最簡單的事情之一,那就是起床去上課。 我知道我在以前的帖文我會重複了很多我說過的話,但在這次不會了。 我發現了我自己新的一面。 也許我其實已經擺脫了我的精神問題,但仍然這麼定期常常流淚的可能是因為我的個性問題。

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Going back to talk about the first day, I was feeling guilty towards my parents whilst I wanted to pretend that it always makes sense to justify my own wish over theirs. I have a friend who stays behind in Canada after she has finished her studies, like many other families from Hong Kong. An old friend of mine also decided to stay in U.K. after finishing studies because he thought he already got used to living in U.K. but find Hong Kong more unfamiliar. I can loudly sat that I have grounds to say that since I started my boarding life in U.K. when I was a kid, and let’s say if I die this year by becoming 24 this month, I would be the one who should be more used to life in U.K. – I am spending my eleventh year in U.K. which equals to having spent half of my life in the country, plus one year in France if I have to be very precise.

先談論第一天,就是我對我的父母感到好內疚,而我想假裝選擇自己的而不是他們的願望是合理的。 我有一個朋友在她完成在加拿大的學業後,像來自香港的很多其他家庭一樣就留在那邊了。 我的一個老朋友也決定英國畢業後留下,因為他認為他已經習慣了生活在英國,但發現香港更陌生。就從我當我還是一個孩子就在英國開始我的寄宿生活,說,如果我今年這個月24歲然後死了,我可以大聲地說,我有充分理據說我會是比誰都應該更習慣生活在英國 – 今年是我第十一年在英國了,相當於在我生命的一半,如果我必須非常精確地說,那就加上一年在法國的生活。

 

employee-engagement

So I have heard many different reasons provided by people that I know explaining why they don’t go back to Hong Kong. It wouldn’t be fair for me to say U.K. or Hong kong is the better place to live in, but the sudden thought in my memory when once upon a time that my parents expressed that same intention of wanting a home in U.K. makes me cry. I was placed with the expectation to make the dream come true, but learning that in reality I lacked this ability to provide them this home, they had no choice but to give up on having hopes in me. I fail to be a good child who may be about to fail her master exams, whose ability to get a well-paid job as the foundation to start building up this dream is also unforeseeable. The worst about me is that I know I would not have to take special care of them as long as they live in Hong Kong. I just don’t want to take on this responsibility where they would rely on me on every single thing if they really end up living in the U.K.

所以我聽到很多不同的原因讓我知道為什麼好多香港人最後不再回香港生活。 我沒資格也不能說英國或香港才是更好的居住地,但在我的記憶中我突然想到,我的父母曾經表達了同樣的意願,說在英國想要一個家,想到這,我就只能哭。 我被置於期望使這夢想成真,但他們發現了在現實中我缺乏這能力為他們提供這個家,他們才別無選擇,只能放棄對我懷有希望。 我不是一個好孩子,可能會快考試不合格,而那能力去得到一個高薪工作作為開始建立這個夢想的基礎也預見不了。我最壞的是,我知道只要他們住在香港,我不會需要特別照顧他們。 如果他們真的最終生活在英國,他們生活上的一切都將依靠我,我不想承擔這個責任。

 

Besides guilt, I am sad that we dream a different dream. I find living in U.K. painful from time to time because it reminds me of the bad memories I have in this country despite of the good memories. I am unable to adapt myself to share their dream, I have many apologies owed to my parents. I cry each time when I am reminded that I cannot provide them with what they want. I cry because I know I am selfish and incapable. This has nothing to do with my mental problems but is just a matter of fact. To continue with my medical treatment will not make me smarter or more able to come up with money.

除了內疚,我很傷心我們作不一樣的夢。 我不時發現住在英國好痛苦,因為住在英國會有時提醒我在這個國家的壞記憶,儘管在這裡也是有好回憶的。 我不能改變自己去分享他們的夢想,我欠我的父母許多個道歉。 每次當我被提醒我不能提供他們想要的東西,我就只懂得哭。我哭,那也是因為我知道我的自私和無能。 這與我的精神問題無關,這只是一個事實。 繼續我的醫療不會讓我更聰明或更能夠拿出錢來。

 

The second day, I was surprisingly hopeful. I meditated at the fact that at my age, people I know have been on a proper job or even getting married. What am I doing? Am I just simply staying in U.K. for preparing myself to fail my exams, like how I failed an exam before I  was back to U.K.? I have never really failed any exams in my life but now things seem to be different, Like how I have wasted the entrance fees for taking the exam that I failed, together with the money on buying text book, am I about to waste my master tuition fees? A friend of mine said she has realised that my memory seems to be worse off than the past asking if this is a side-effect of taking those anti-depressants.

第二天,意外的我感到我是有希望的。我冥想在我的年紀,我認識的人已經在全職工作或甚至結婚了。我在做什麼啦?我只是住在英國,準備自己考試不合格,就像我在我回英國之前也考試不合格了嗎?我的人生裡沒有太多次考試不合格的,但好像現在事情都已不一樣了。像我浪費了之前考試的學費,以及購買教科書的錢,我是要一樣也浪費我的碩士學費嗎?我有一個朋友說她意識到我的記憶似乎比過去差了,問我這是不是服用抗抑鬱藥個副作用。

 

I calmly talked to myself that it is a probably a matter of having already reached a certain limit in my academics irrespective of my mental condition. However I was able to tell myself, it is OK to not go with the flow. Why do I also have to strive to be a lawyer like most other law students? Why do I have to share the concept that getting married is a something that a person has to do in her life in order to make her life complete? Why do I have to be happy on the definition of the happiness as recognised by the others? I was feeling so smart on this second day that I honestly did not expect that I would crumple on the day after.

我冷靜地跟自己說,不管我的精神狀況如何,這可能是我的在學術能力已經達到一定限度。然而,我能夠告訴自己,這是隨波俗流的想法。為什麼我也必須像大多數其他法律學生一樣的拼了命去成為律師?為什麼我必須分享這樣一個概念:結婚是一個人在她的生活中必須做的一件事才能使她的人生完滿呢?為什麼我的快樂是要對照被大家都認可的快樂的定義呢?在第二天,我感覺自己好聰明,我真的沒想到,之後那天我又崩潰。

 

On the third day, I missed a whole day of classes – I woke up at 6 P.M. I couldn’t get up because I could not maintain a good habit of sleeping and waking up at roughly the same time everyday, and the night before I kept revising till dawn. Even I sleep late, it gives me no excuses of not going to classes anyways. I heard the lark-cant-wake-to-traditional-alarm-clockalarms but it was also my subconsciousness that allowed me to choose to stay in bed. It was because I truly wanted to skive classes. Even just attending classes gives me pressure, not to mention exams. I don’t know how to face myself because to turn up to a class is already the most basic duty of a student, and it is not my first time skiving classes anyways. I have made myself a coward by keep repeating this same pattern of living and I don’t even bother describe how bad my mood is thanks to myself, and I deserve it. Maybe this is laziness or procrastination too. If I want to see improvements in myself as a human being, this has to be done by making my own effort to face the everyday pressure but not by medication.

第三天,我沒去上一整天的課也- 我下午6點才醒過來。我不能起床,因為我不能保持一個良好的習慣,讓自己每天睡覺和醒來在大致相同的時間,而前一晚上我不斷溫習,直到黎明到來。即使我睡得很晚,我也是沒有藉口不去上課的。我聽到了鬧鐘聲,但是我的潛意識讓我選擇留在床上。我真的好想曠課。即使只是去上課也會給我壓力,更不用說考試了。我不知道如何面對自己,因為去上課已經是一個學生的最基本義務,這也不是我第一次曠課。我通過保持並重複著這相同的生活方式使自己成為一個膽小鬼,可真要感謝自己讓我也不想描述我的心情是多麼糟糕,但也是 我應得的。也許這也是懶惰或在拖延吧。如果我想看到自己作為一個人類有改善,這必須通過我自己負出努力去面對日常的壓力,通過藥物是不可能的。

 

I would be due to see my psychiatrist in April and I will tell him, you know what, I know it is due to all my weaknesses instead of my mental state that has resulted in my failures and I have each time unable to stop my tears running when I discover I still have not improved from acting in ways that I should not have chosen. Instead of pushing myself to become a better person, I only know how to cry each and every time.

我將在四月份要看精神病醫生,我到時會告訴他說,你知道嗎,我知道這是因為我所有的弱點,而不是我的精神狀態導致我失敗。當我發現我仍然沒有改善,還是維持我不應該選擇的方式生活,我每次都無法阻止我的眼淚滾下來。不止沒有促使自己成為一個更好的人,每次都只知道如何哭泣。

 

I am seriously doubting whether I need medicine or counselling anymore. What I am certain about is that I owe apologies to myself for still not having the courage to change how I am living my life now. First thing first, I need to stop crying.

我真的懷疑我是否還需要吃藥或諮詢醫生。 我可以肯定的是,我好對不起我,因為我仍然沒有勇氣改變我現在的生活。 不過首先,我需要停止哭泣。

❤ Lala

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2 thoughts on “Apologies to myself 我對不起我

  1. i think you put too much pressure on yourself! its useless to keep thinking in bad way!
    You don’t need to care what other people think, coz there is only one person responsible for your life, and this is you. I know its not easy.
    Stop crying, and smile. when you smile, the world is totally different, use your smile to change the world! dun let the world change your smile. =)

    Like

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