As I was getting better from my cough and my cold in general, a friend of mine came to visit me and so I toured her to different places in London or in other cities in the U.K. I thought supposedly I should be very merry over those days with her as I made a thorough itinerary to take my friend to different places, and on top of that I would have a friend to talk to me, not just by myself. I had been happy and occupied in visiting places in day time, but I just ended up crying at night which I found so embarrassing in front of my friend. I asked myself again why would I always direct myself automatically to negative thoughts when I was simply just chatting with an old friend.
My friend of course did not make any attempts to get me into any emotional breakdowns, but still, tears fell which not only annoyed me but also brought me down, made me look weak. The night before my friend arrived I cried, I cried for a few times already with her witnessing those tears of which I would have rather kept to myself. Then on the day she left, I cried again at night. I knew I kept recalling bad memories, and then anticipating for punishment on me in the future.
我的朋友當然沒有做任何嘗試刺激我讓我去情緒崩潰，但仍然，淚水總是流下來，這不僅惹惱了我，而且使我看起來軟弱。 在我的朋友到來之前的一夜，我哭了，而她也目睹了我哭了好幾次，可以的話我真的寧願自己躲起來流眼淚。 然後在她離開的那一天，我在晚上又哭了。 我知道我一直想起不好的回憶，然後預期未來我會有的懲罰。
As to what I call as ‘punishment’, maybe not many people could easily get why I think that way. I have been thinking about things that I did in the past, I almost wanted to make a list of what I thought I did that were my regrets. Could it be because I was not generous enough to people, not kind enough, not obedient enough, or not morally upright? Of course I made mistakes in my life. I feel that the future will come after me which will bite, and will bite me so hard that there is not much hope for me to look forward to more possible happiness. For example, recently I got a wedding invite from a friend and as we may all agree getting married is a joyful stage in a person’s life, then someone like me will not ever have such experience. Or I can also say if getting a very satisfactory career brings about happiness, I don’t see how patient-me can ever reach that stage of reaching a high-up career goal when I cannot deal with pressure easily. There are more examples that I can make, all I am saying is just that happiness doesn’t seem to make its way to me, and I find it crazily difficult to reach for it either. Tears always drop before I can comfort myself or before I can use my brain to think.
I hate tears but they are getting stronger at attacking my emotional state these days. I feel weak, ashamed, powerless each time when I cry, even though crying is a habit. I have been a good patient. I take my medication regularly, I listened to my psychiatrist’s advice to exercise regularly too. As to why I still can’t hold back those tears, I am afraid this is beyond what medicine and medical professional do – it is about how I think. I cannot not think about bad stuff before and bad stuff to come, I feel that for everyone, the world is spinning, the clock is ticking, except for me, I get locked in regrets and guilt.
我討厭眼淚，但他們越來越強大，這些天都在攻擊我的情緒狀態。每次當我哭，我感到虛弱，慚愧，無力，即使哭都是一種習慣了。 我一直是一個好乖的病人。 我定期服用我的藥物，我聽我的精神科醫生的建議，定期做運動的。 至於為什麼我仍然不能擋住那些眼淚，恐怕這超出了醫學和醫療專業人士可以幫的忙裏 – 這是我的想法態度的問題。 我不能不想到壞東西和將會來的壞東西，我覺得對於每個人，地球繼續運轉，時間也繼續滴答滴答的過，除了我仍然被鎖在後悔和內疚裏面。
Moreover, I don’t want to study anymore that now I always tell myself to skive my classes. ‘Come on, I have paid the school fees already, how can I leave’, I said to myself, and in the next second, I know that I am most likely to be wasting time here in London even this is not what I am supposed to be doing. My heart has no such passion to learn from what are taught in classes. I would just sweat in front of my desk whenever I need to revise.
此外，我也不想再上學念書，現在我總是告訴自己去逃課。 「我已經支付了學費，我怎麼能離開呢？」我對自己說，不過在下一秒，我知道我很可能在倫敦只是浪費時間，即使這不是我應該做的。 我的心沒有了那份熱情去學習課堂上教授的東西。 只要我溫習，我就會在坐著在出汗。
I have been longing to quit this degree, and then I bumped into a coursemate of my who was in my class before I deferred. She told me everyone from our course managed to graduate last year, and I told her I am continuing with this degree one year after them as a returning student. When my coursemates are people all enjoyed their studies, I made myself a joke by forcing myself to study a lot since many years ago, as the truth is studying a lot dose not give me the ability to defeat my own emotional problems, neither dose it say that it guarantees me a happier life than someone who quits school very early. I really have been thinking hard that I may be quite happy being a tutor working with toddlers, like a kindergarten teacher. This may be happier than me now reading due diligence to know how one company acquires another company for Corporate Finance Law. I remember this is no longer the first time I complain that I am doing a degree that is just making me feel sad, stupid and meaningless.
Am I really making any progress on my studies besides the fact that I must be able to live independently, or have I just been killing time day by day without improvement on my studies, and gone worse on my emotional control? What am I even doing here by myself spending money each day with a heart that cries for home, feels locked up by guilt and shamefulness? When will my punishment end or when will I feel shameless? I feel lonely in the sense that even I don’t need to be physically surrounded by people, because it is my heart that is empty. More tears that I drop, more that I feel shameful.
除了我必須能夠獨立生活，我是每天一直在等時間過，究竟有沒有改善的學習進度，而其實是不是我的情感控制比以前更糟糕，學習不太有任何進展？ 我在這裡每天花錢在為不在家而哭泣，感覺內疚和羞愧感到把我好好鎖住了。 我的懲罰何時結束或者，什麼時候我會不用感到羞愧呢？ 在某種意義上，即使我身體不需要被人包圍著，我感到孤獨，因為我的心是空的。 更多的淚水又滑下，更讓我覺得羞愧，丟架。
Right now sitting in my room(I typed this post on a Friday night), hearing through the window that people who have apparently been drinking hard from my neighbourhood shouting outside, I can’t type anymore; I feel too annoyed and too pressurised. I want to slap them hard into their faces. Yeah, why have I forgotten that actually my bipolar still sticks around.
現在坐在我的房間裡（我是在星期五晚上打這個帖子的），通過窗戶聽到那些顯然是我的鄰居因為喝了酒就大聲喧嘩，我不能再打字了; 我感到太心煩和太大壓力。 我想給他們都一下耳光。 是的，為什麼我忘了，實際上我的燥鬱症仍健在呢。