Mastermind

Vicious thinking cycle 惡性思想的循環

happy-sad

As I was getting better from my cough and my cold in general, a friend of mine came to visit me and so I toured her to different places in London or in other cities in the U.K. I thought supposedly I should be very merry over those days with her as I made a thorough itinerary to take my friend to different places, and on top of that I would have a friend to talk to me, not just by myself. I had been happy and occupied in visiting places in day time, but I just ended up crying at night which I found so embarrassing in front of my friend. I asked myself again why would I always direct myself automatically to negative thoughts when I was simply just chatting with an old friend.

咳嗽和我的感冒總體上也康復得越來越好,而最近有一個朋友來探訪我,所以我就帶她參觀了倫敦的不同地方,也有去在英國的其他城市。白天的時候,我心情都挺愉快的,因為我做了一個好仔細的行程,要把我的朋友帶到不同的地方,而除此之外,我知道獨居的我會有一個朋友跟我談話,不是自己一個人。在白天,我一直很高興,去不同的地方到處逛,但我回到住所就會在晚上哭起來,我發現這樣的我在我的朋友面前好尷尬。 我再次問自己,當我只是和一個老朋友聊天時,為什麼我總是把自己直接引向負面的想法呢。

 

My friend of course did not make any attempts to get me into any emotional breakdowns, but still, tears fell which not only annoyed me but also brought me down, made me look weak. The night before my friend arrived I cried, I cried for a few times already with her witnessing those tears of which I would have rather kept to myself. Then on the day she left, I cried again at night. I knew I kept recalling bad memories, and then anticipating for punishment on me in the future.

我的朋友當然沒有做任何嘗試刺激我讓我去情緒崩潰,但仍然,淚水總是流下來,這不僅惹惱了我,而且使我看起來軟弱。 在我的朋友到來之前的一夜,我哭了,而她也目睹了我哭了好幾次,可以的話我真的寧願自己躲起來流眼淚。 然後在她離開的那一天,我在晚上又哭了。 我知道我一直想起不好的回憶,然後預期未來我會有的懲罰。

 

As to what I call as ‘punishment’, maybe not many people could easily get why I think that way. I have been thinking about things that I did in the past, I almost wanted to make a list of what I thought I did that were my regrets. Could it be because I was not generous enough to people, not kind enough, not obedient enough, or not morally upright? Of course I made mistakes in my life. I feel that the future will come after me which will bite, and will bite me so hard that there is not much hope for me to look forward to more possible happiness. For example, recently I got a wedding invite frompunishment a friend and as we may all agree getting married is a joyful stage in a person’s life, then someone like me will not ever have such experience. Or I can also say if getting a very satisfactory career brings about happiness, I don’t see how patient-me can ever reach that stage of reaching a high-up career goal when I cannot deal with pressure easily. There are more examples that I can make, all I am saying is just that happiness doesn’t seem to make its way to me, and I find it crazily difficult to reach for it either. Tears always drop before I can comfort myself or before I can use my brain to think.

至於我所說的「懲罰」,也許沒有很多人能輕易理解我為什麼這樣想。我一直在思考我在過去做過的事情,我幾乎想要列出我的遺憾與後悔。是不是因為我對人不夠慷慨,不夠善良,不夠服從,還是道德修行不夠呢?當然,我在我的生活中一定是有犯過錯誤。我覺得未來會咬我,狠狠地咬我,所以我對將來沒有太多的希望,也我、不敢期待有更多幸福的可能性。例如,最近我收到了一個朋友的婚姻邀請,我們大家可能都同意結婚是一個人生命中快樂的階段,那麼像我這樣的人就不會有這樣的經驗,這是懲罰。或者我也可以說,如果得到一個非常令人滿意的事業會帶來幸福,我不知道如何「病人我」可以達到這個階段,因為我不能輕鬆處理壓力,這是懲罰。還有更多的例子我可以說的,我其實只是想說,幸福似乎不會來找我,我也發現再瘋狂地去抓我也難以抓緊它。就在我可以安慰自己或我可以使用我的大腦思考之前,眼淚總是已經事先不停地滑下來。

 

I hate tears but they are getting stronger at attacking my emotional state these days. I feel weak, ashamed, powerless each time when I cry, even though crying is a habit. I have been a good patient. I take my medication regularly, I listened to my psychiatrist’s advice to exercise regularly too. As to why I still can’t hold back those tears, I am afraid this is beyond what medicine and medical professional do – it is about how I think. I cannot not think about bad stuff before and bad stuff to come, I feel that for everyone, the world is spinning, the clock is ticking, except for me, I get locked in regrets and guilt.

我討厭眼淚,但他們越來越強大,這些天都在攻擊我的情緒狀態。每次當我哭,我感到虛弱,慚愧,無力,即使哭都是一種習慣了。 我一直是一個好乖的病人。 我定期服用我的藥物,我聽我的精神科醫生的建議,定期做運動的。 至於為什麼我仍然不能擋住那些眼淚,恐怕這超出了醫學和醫療專業人士可以幫的忙裏 – 這是我的想法態度的問題。 我不能不想到壞東西和將會來的壞東西,我覺得對於每個人,地球繼續運轉,時間也繼續滴答滴答的過,除了我仍然被鎖在後悔和內疚裏面。

 

17d4babd55ef85ff228ede8fca75062bMoreover, I don’t want to study anymore that now I always tell myself to skive my classes. ‘Come on, I have paid the school fees already, how can I leave’, I said to myself, and in the next second, I know that I am most likely to be wasting time here in London even this is not what I am supposed to be doing. My heart has no such passion to learn from what are taught in classes. I would just sweat in front of my desk whenever I need to revise.

此外,我也不想再上學念書,現在我總是告訴自己去逃課。 「我已經支付了學費,我怎麼能離開呢?」我對自己說,不過在下一秒,我知道我很可能在倫敦只是浪費時間,即使這不是我應該做的。 我的心沒有了那份熱情去學習課堂上教授的東西。 只要我溫習,我就會在坐著在出汗。

 

I have been longing to quit this degree, and then I bumped into a coursemate of my who was in my class before I deferred. She told me everyone from our course managed to graduate last year, and I told her I am continuing with this degree one year after them as a returning student. When my coursemates are people all enjoyed their studies, I made myself a joke by forcing myself to study a lot since many years ago, as the truth is studying a lot dose not give me the ability to defeat my own emotional problems, neither dose it say that it guarantees me a happier life than someone who quits school very early. I really have been thinking hard that I may be quite happy being a tutor working with toddlers, like a kindergarten teacher. This may be happier than me now reading due diligence to know how one company acquires another company for Corporate Finance Law. I remember this is no longer the first time I complain that I am doing a degree that is just making me feel sad, stupid and meaningless.

我一直渴望退出這個學位,然後我在街上踫到了一個我的同學,我未休學之前我和她同一個班級。她告訴我,我們班的每個人去年都順利畢業了,我也告訴她,我現在是一年後繼續這學位。當我的這些同學們都享受學習,我自己就是一個開玩笑,很多很多年前就在強迫自己學習,但真相是學習很多不給我能力打敗我自己的情緒問題,也不保證我比一個很早就放棄念書的人有更快樂的生活。我真的一直在努力,我可能會很高興作為一個導師從事幼兒工作,像是說當一個幼兒園老師。這樣可能比我更快樂,不是現在正在閱讀要如何調查知道一個公司如何買下另一家公司的財務法。我記得這已經不是我第一次抱怨我的學位,一個讓我感到悲傷,愚蠢和無意義的學位。

 

Am I really making any progress on my studies besides the fact that I must be able to live independently, or have I just been killing time day by day without improvement on my studies, and gone worse on my emotional control? What am I even doing here by myself spending money each day with a heart that cries for home, feels locked up by guilt and shamefulness? When will my punishment end or when will I feel shameless? I feel lonely in the sense that even I don’t need to be physically surrounded by people, because it is my heart that is empty. More tears that I drop, more that I feel shameful.

除了我必須能夠獨立生活,我是每天一直在等時間過,究竟有沒有改善的學習進度,而其實是不是我的情感控制比以前更糟糕,學習不太有任何進展? 我在這裡每天花錢在為不在家而哭泣,感覺內疚和羞愧感到把我好好鎖住了。 我的懲罰何時結束或者,什麼時候我會不用感到羞愧呢? 在某種意義上,即使我身體不需要被人包圍著,我感到孤獨,因為我的心是空的。 更多的淚水又滑下,更讓我覺得羞愧,丟架。

 

Right now sitting in my room(I typed this post on a Friday night), hearing through the window that people who have apparently been drinking hard from my neighbourhood shouting outside, I can’t type anymore; I feel too annoyed and too pressurised. I want to slap them hard into their faces. Yeah, why have I forgotten that actually my bipolar still sticks around.

現在坐在我的房間裡(我是在星期五晚上打這個帖子的),通過窗戶聽到那些顯然是我的鄰居因為喝了酒就大聲喧嘩,我不能再打字了; 我感到太心煩和太大壓力。 我想給他們都一下耳光。 是的,為什麼我忘了,實際上我的燥鬱症仍健在呢。

❤ Lala

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