Speaking of last night, I felt nothing else but frustrated . Looking at the notes in front of me to prepare for classes, I simply had no clues at all to find any answers at all. My academic results have always been quite good ever since a young age, which ironically transformed into pressure that I found to be too much for me to bear, and I can’t quite accept that I now got to a stage that I am stuck. Anyways, I ended up with a high temperature after having cried for an entire night. When I was a kid, being over-anxious gave me eczema, now my whole body would sweat whenever I revise, and in the end, I discover an emotional breakdown could give me a fever, although I have the nicest excuses to rest now.
I don’t dare to not to be hard-working on my studies since childhood because I believe that it is my duty to do so when I firmly believe my family is not wealthy but has chosen to send me to private school. Ever since I started having private education, I constantly blamed myself that I must study hard so I would not end up wasting the money spent on school fees. Today I can only laugh it off bitterly that I spent most money on medical treatment. The psychiatrist has medicine to give, but he cannot offer me the teaching to let me learn the way to stop myself from crying and accept failures.
After spending one night crying, I am certain that studies is a great trigger leading me to emotional breakdown. When I made an attempt to open my eyes the next day, it was so painful that even to open my eyes wide was difficult to do so. I had a think and I knew I could not continue to live in this state. I talked to myself asking has the time come of which I am due to embrace failures but to pack things for returning to Hong Kong.
The fact that I know I always spread negativity in the air gives me the fear that many people hate me without me realising. In my heart, I have been so afraid that in the end all people would leave me, and this me of today has never been that afraid of criticisms. I feel so inferior that I would want to keep my head down. Unlike the past, I would rather be on my own but better not asked me to please anyone.
I already know my writing by this time is very awkward and loses the flow in a readable manner, so I will just wrap it up. I am scared of what others think of me. There is an aftermath that since I have been turned away and got stuffed with nasty words targeting me the mentally-ill, I feel that I have to be extra careful as there will be more and more people on their way to come to hurt me. I would devote time to guess what everybody thinks of me, and gradually I feel that I am getting paranoid. I think many and many will come to harm me, bring me down.
I was not happy at the day of my undergraduate graduation when everywhere was full of laughter. I felt emptied. I hid my feelings not wanting to disrupt the atmosphere, until I got to a point that I really had enough and demanded that my family stopped asking me to take any more photos. My parents at the time brought along relatives who I aren’t even close with which irritated me but out of manner, I kept a fake smily face till the end. Eventually, everything is meaningless.
Recently I read an article. An actress wished that she could keep getting the Gold Horse Award each year although it is impossible. She only realised this grudge against not getting the award is meaningless when her mum fell sick. When now I am having a high temperature, I feel even more encouraged from the inside of me to want to give up. It is meaningless to study or to work. Look at myself, there is nothing meaningful except health. Families won’t always be around, no one is trust-worthy, to avoid death, then I have to live in the name of a loser.
As to the meaning of living like a ‘loser’, I cannot be too sure. The input of a certain level of effort in doing something does not give the same proportional amount of output, I see it as people who did not treat me well may be living a loving life whilst I am considered mentally-ill, and this means that in this world, there is no such obvious boundary as to fairness and justice. What does ‘loving’ mean, that’s the next question. When I am angry with people and things and these people are feeling very happy, I lose again. Failed to forget and ignore them, I have lost. Because I care them being able to be so happy when I cannot, I am losing again and again. A friend once said to me, don’t bother to ‘hate’ because I cannot be chilled when the target person I hate is chilled, and the truth is I gotta accept that target persons are really having a better life than me, this is the reality. I know my English language this time makes not much sense, what I want to say is just that life is unfair, but this is what I have to accept.
In sum I am getting paranoid and dissatisfied with my current state, my bad mood, but so what? I don’t get blessed and cannot demand what I won’t have, this may include all these problems in my heart. I care so so much that those who discriminate me live better than me but in return it offers me no right to affect their everyday life; they feel so good about themselves.
Recently the arson case on Hong Kong’s MTR has been a conversation topic right? I wonder is this an act of revenge against the society, an act to scare off people who discriminate the arrested person or he who set fire wanted some attention only. I am not a psychiatrist but this doesn’t stop me from guessing a person’s intention to commit crime/mens rea. If he did this as a revenge on the society, he lost. He didn’t target specific persons and would just end up in prison or mental hospital, failed to such a a great extent that now people in Hong Kong could make gossips about all of us who are mentally-ill being problematic, scary and troublesome; extremists may say let’s imprison all of us. If he could not control himself to set fire, we are just witnessing how shameful our Hong Kong government can be.
Spending thousand millions or billions to build a third airpot runway besides many useless projects, the psychiatric services remain lack of resources. For each patient, their consultation time with a psychiatrist is 5 minutes, then they don’t get another appointment till half a year later, and then the media continues to focus on gossiping about the mentally-ill, those who have never experienced mental health problems continue to feel good about themselves. Are we all great and merry now?