Mastermind

Gossip about the mentally-ill 說精神問題的人是非

話說起來,由昨晚開始真的好失落。望著面前的筆記,要準備的課堂,我束手無策。就算隨便猜也猜不到答案。小時候我成績不錯,其實反而現在發現是念好多書會制造太大壓力,因為接受不了突然卻念不下去吧。反正哭了一整晚之後,竟就發燒了。小時候,過度緊張可以使我皮膚敏感,現在一溫習就滿身出汗,最後,原来失控一個晚上就可以讓我發燒,不過同時讓我大條道理休息。

Speaking of last night, I felt nothing else but frustrated . Looking at the notes in front of me to prepare for classes, I simply had no clues at all to find any answers at all. My academic results have always been quite good ever since a young age, which ironically transformed into pressure that I found to be too much for me to bear, and I can’t quite accept that I now got to a stage that I am stuck. Anyways, I ended up with a high temperature after having cried for an entire night. When I was a kid, being over-anxious gave me eczema, now my whole body would sweat whenever I revise, and in the end, I discover an emotional breakdown could give me a fever, although I have the nicest excuses to rest now.

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明明從小都不敢在讀書上鬆懈,因為我一直都認為家裏並不富有,但我又竟然不是接受免費教育的,由開始至今都不停罵自己,要知道不能浪費錢財就只可用功讀書。諷刺的今天,就是我花最多錢去看醫生。醫生收我醫藥費但是也教不會我不流淚,教不會我接受自己失敗。藥物治標不治本。

I don’t dare to not to be hard-working on my studies since childhood because I believe that it is my duty to do so when I firmly believe my family is not wealthy but has chosen to send me to private school. Ever since I started having private education, I constantly blamed myself that I must study hard so I would not end up wasting the money spent on school fees. Today I can only laugh it off bitterly that I spent most money on medical treatment. The psychiatrist has medicine to give, but he cannot offer me the teaching to let me learn the way to stop myself from crying and accept failures.

 

哭了一整晚,也很確定念書一定是其中一個會使我情緒失控的因素。隔天再一次張開眼睛,眼睛好痛,不太能好好睜開。我又想了一想,其實再這樣下去不行的。接受失敗的話其實是收拾行李回香港。

After spending one night crying, I am certain that studies is a great trigger leading me to emotional breakdown. When I made an attempt to open my eyes the next day, it was so painful that even to open my eyes wide was difficult to do so. I had a think and I knew I could not continue to live in this state. I talked to myself asking has the time come of which I am due to embrace failures but to pack things for returning to Hong Kong.

 

我這個人因為總是宣泄壞情緒,我好怕其實我早已教大家討厭了。我心裏總是在怕,怕其實最後都會給所有人離棄,現在的我,好怕別人的批評和指責,總覺得,真的是好自卑。反而以前會認為,要老去討好別人的話,我寧願自己一個。

The fact that I know I always spread negativity in the air gives me the fear that many people hate me without me realising. In my heart, I have been so afraid that in the end all people would leave me, and this me of today has never been that afraid of criticisms. I feel so inferior that I would want to keep my head down. Unlike the past, I would rather be on my own but better not asked me to please anyone.

 

現在跟以前比,原來是怕別人的眼光。後遺症吧,因為之前被某些人因為我病的事嫌棄我或用人身攻擊的話語傷害我,一直覺得有好多人準備來再傷害我,好多人會傷害我,一定要好小心,我總是花時間想想大家對我有什麼想法和印象。我都發現自己越來越愛妄想,想要知道別人的心思。這樣下去如何是好。這樣是不是我有被害妄想呢?

I already know my writing by this time is very awkward and loses the flow in a readable manner, so I will just wrap it up. I am scared of what others think of me. There is an aftermath that since I have been turned away and got stuffed with nasty words targeting me the mentally-ill, I feel that I have to be extra careful as there will be more and more people on their way to come to hurt me. I would devote time to guess what everybody thinks of me, and gradually I feel that I am getting paranoid. I think many and many will come to harm me, bring me down.

 

我記得學士學位畢業的那天處處都充滿著人們的笑聲,我卻覺得好空虛,我只是避免破壞大家氣氛而不說出口,後來我沒心情,但又不想家人不高興,不過最後都說出口,要求可不可以停止要我拍照。當時父母還帶上不熟悉的親戚,想發火也當然賣笑地帶過了。其實所有,一切都是空虛。

I was not happy at the day of my undergraduate graduation when everywhere was full of laughter. I felt emptied. I hid my feelings not wanting to disrupt the atmosphere, until I got to a point that I really had enough and demanded that my family stopped asking me to take any more photos. My parents at the time brought along relatives who I aren’t even close with which irritated me but out of manner, I kept a fake smily face till the end. Eventually, everything is meaningless.

 

最近上網看了一文章。某個女演員一直都想保持自己每年金馬獎都可以獲獎,當然是不可能的。到她媽媽生病了,她才發現原來拿獎一點意思都沒有。所以當我都發燒了,就更想放棄。學習呀上班呀,都沒什麼意思。我的情況,身體健康就好了。家人不能時常陪伴左右,但沒有可以信賴的人,不要死的話,就是失敗的去生存,或「偷生」都好了。

Recently I read an article. An actress wished that she could keep getting the Gold Horse Award each year although it is impossible. She only realised this grudge against not getting the award is meaningless when her mum fell sick. When now I am having a high temperature, I feel even more encouraged from the inside of me to want to give up. It is meaningless to study or to work. Look at myself, there is nothing meaningful except health. Families won’t always be around, no one is trust-worthy, to avoid death, then I have to live in the name of a loser.

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「偷生」是不是說做個隱青不去接觸社會呢?我也不太確定。做人,不是做什麼就有什麼結果的,所以,對我不好的人們可能過著幸福美滿的生活,我繼續做精神科病人,也說明世事不是有明顯的公平或正義。當然,「美滿」的定義是甚麼?我再氣和惱某些人和事,對象們卻風流快活,那我又輸了。不能不在意他們,那已經輸了,然後非常在意的話,就是輸上加輸。有朋友跟我說,「恨」好辛苦的,因為我不風流快活,對方卻風流快活,接受別人就算可能比我都過得好,這是現實。我在寫甚麼呢?好像不太通順,反正就這樣,人生不是公平的。

As to the meaning of living like a ‘loser’, I cannot be too sure. The input of a certain level of effort in doing something does not give the same proportional amount of output, I see it as people who did not treat me well may be living a loving life whilst I am considered mentally-ill, and this means that in this world, there is no such obvious boundary as to fairness and justice. What does ‘loving’ mean, that’s the next question. When I am angry with people and things and these people are feeling very happy, I lose again. Failed to forget and ignore them, I have lost. Because I care them being able to be so happy when I cannot, I am losing again and again. A friend once said to me, don’t bother to ‘hate’ because I cannot be chilled when the target person I hate is chilled, and the truth is I gotta accept that target persons are really having a better life than me, this is the reality. I know my English language this time makes not much sense, what I want to say is just that life is unfair, but this is what I have to accept.

 

小器的我,不甘於現狀的我,怕被害又亂想的我,應要僅記有些福氣不是我可擁有的,可能包括了不能撇除心病。自己再在意因為我有精神問題而歧視我的人過得好過我,也不代表我有去影響他們繼續天天自我感覺良好。

In sum I am getting paranoid and dissatisfied with my current state, my bad mood, but so what? I don’t get blessed and cannot demand what I won’t have, this may include all these problems in my heart. I care so so much that those who discriminate me live better than me but in return it offers me no right to affect their everyday life; they feel so good about themselves.

 

最近不時說有個有精神問題的人在地鐵縱火的案件嗎。不知道縱火者是不是想報復社會,做些事警戒身邊那些愛歧視他的人,又或想得到關注呢。我不是醫生,但我就是喜歡想人家的犯案動機。如果是要報復社會,那他就輸了。又沒有真的描準目標人物,最後還要去坐監,不然就精神病院,輸了,還便宜香港人制造輿論又說我們有精神問題的人多麻煩,可怕,極端的就說把我們都關起來吧。如果純粹是不能控制自己於是放火去,這就見得香港政府多可恥。

Recently the arson case on Hong Kong’s MTR has been a conversation topic right? I wonder is this an act of revenge against the society, an act to scare off people who discriminate the arrested person or he who set fire wanted some attention only. I am not a psychiatrist but this doesn’t stop me from guessing a person’s intention to commit crime/mens rea. If he did this as a revenge on the society, he lost. He didn’t target specific persons and would just end up in prison or mental hospital, failed to such a a great extent that now people in Hong Kong could make gossips about all of us who are mentally-ill being problematic, scary and troublesome; extremists may say let’s imprison all of us. If he could not control himself to set fire, we are just witnessing how shameful our Hong Kong government can be.

 

多少憶花了去起第三跑道加無限個無聊項目,精神科就缺乏資源。每次覆診,病人只可和醫生說上五分鐘的話,半年後再覆診,然後媒體焦點繼續說精神問題的人是非,沒有體驗過精神問題的人又繼續天天自我感覺良好。真可笑。

Spending thousand millions or billions to build a third airpot runway besides many useless projects, the psychiatric services remain lack of resources. For each patient, their consultation time with a psychiatrist is 5 minutes, then they don’t get another appointment till half a year later, and then the media continues to focus on gossiping about the mentally-ill, those who have never experienced mental health problems continue to feel good about themselves. Are we all great and merry now?

❤ Lala

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