Mastermind

Too afraid to lose 太怕失敗了

I cannot sleep, neither can I revise, and now it is way past midnight. Actually being able to sleep well is a blessing, or shall I say, not being able to sleep is a flaw? Can you recognise what flaws your personality? I am wondering what flaws mine, I mean, what makes me a worse person or makes me remain as mentally-ill. I have come to remember many words said by families and friends.

現在是半夜時間,我睡不著,又不能集中精神溫習。 其實能夠安睡,睡得好是一種福份,又或者我應該說,不能好好睡覺是一個缺陷吧。 你能說出你的性格有什麼缺點嗎? 我想知道我的性格缺點是什麼,我的意思是,是什麼讓我成了一個更糟的人,或使我保持著精神病患者的身份。 我就想起許多家人和朋友說過的話。

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I might have talked about this point I want to make slightly in many past posts already. When I was little, teachers and parents praised me that I would never give up till the set goal is reached. The most vivid memory is when I got stuck with a piano piece. I was crying whilst I kept playing those few bars over and over again, and my tears did not stop till those bars in the piece got up to my standard, the standard that I would call it satisfactory; I was only about five or six years old. If time were to go back, I would wish my mum get me to a psychiatrist at that age because no kids should act like this. Recently a friend told me that she would start studying a music therapy programme mostly for the sake of helping the others than to get a certificate in that field. I cannot put into words how much I wish I grow up with an attitude to play the piano for the purpose of helping those in need; I am ashamed because I play the piano in order to prove to myself that I am musical and so I can link myself to the concept of what a successful person would be capable of doing.

我可能已經在許多過去的帖子中略略談過我想說的這個問題。小時,老師和父母都讚揚我,因為我永遠不會放棄直到達到既定的目標。最清晰的記憶是當有一次無論如何都彈不好一首樂曲。我一邊哭一邊不斷地重複彈那好幾個小節,一遍又一遍,我就這樣沒有停止哭著,直到那些小節可彈到我的標準,或是我稱之為令我滿意的標準; 我那時只有五,六歲吧。如果時間可以重來,我希望我的媽媽讓我在那個年齡就去見精神科醫生,因為沒有孩子應該是這樣的。最近一個朋友告訴我,她將開始學習一個音樂治療的課程,主要是想去幫助別人,而不是在該領域獲得證書。我不能說出我是多麼我希望我從小不是用一種去證明我是音樂才能的態度去彈鋼琴,我該當懺愧。我一直想以彈鋼琴去證實我是一個成功,有能力的人。

 

I want to be successful in everything, and I want to be good at everything which is impossible. I just can’t quite accept it. Let’s say if in the end I fail my master a few months later, I cannot accept it even I might have succeeded at other aspects in life. For example, I can choose to call myself successful because I have achieved a diploma for piano recital, I have managed to get an undergraduate degree, I can dance now although I only started learning it properly when I was at university, I know French. So when everyone has a different benchmark to define successfulness, and I keep feeling that I fail myself. Whatever I do, I need to pass it if this is something that has exams and criteria to meet, for otherwise, I would feel like a loser. So anything and everything makes me a loser because I am trying to achieve what is unachievable, that means wanting to be perfect and wanting to be great at everything when apparently no humans can do so.

我想在一切事情上都成功,不過當然是不可能的, 但我竟然不能接受。 就用我的碩士學位為例,如果幾個月後我失敗了,不合格,手空空地回香港,我是不能接受的,即使我可能在生活的其他方面可說是成功我也不會接受的。 我可以選擇自己叫我自己做一個成功的人,因為我已經取得了鋼琴演奏級的文憑,我那裡本科學位,雖然我只是在大學時才正式學習舞蹈,我現在也可以算是會跳舞,我也會法語。 所以當每個人都有不同的基準來定義成功,我只是不停感覺我失敗了。 無論我做什麼,如果這是有考試和標準的事,我一定要合格,否則,我會覺得我是失敗者。 所以任何東西和一切都使我失望,因為我試圖實現不可實現的,想要完美,想要在一切都好,就算我知道,根本沒有人有這個能力。

 

For after a long while since I fell sick, I am more than certain that one huge reason causes my depression is this unachievable demand I put on myself to make sure that I will get everything that I want. For instance, I look at the others getting a maser degree and I tell myself that I would be shameful if I don’t get it; of course people would call me nonsense and say shamefulness should relate to something like committing crimes or behaving immorally, stuff like that, you know.

因為我病了一段很長時間了,我好肯定,一個大的原因導致我的抑鬱是我想將不可能實現的實現,以確保我會得到我想要的一切。 例如,我看到其他人又過碩士學位,我告訴自己,如果我沒有得到它,我會很丟臉吧; 當然人們會叫我廢話小說,說「丟臉」應該涉及到像犯罪或行為不道德這樣的東西,你知道我甚麼意思就好。

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I am practicing to look at myself in the mirror and sometimes look at my own Instagram photos more in order to accept my physical appearance. I am trying to accept that I just look so ordinary. I cannot ask for more beauty, and perhaps similarly I cannot ask for a master degree, and then in the future when I see something that others have of which I don’t have, I have to find it acceptable too. I just have to try so hard to consistently teach myself that by this age, I must accept that life is never perfect or spotless. Hard to accept this reality leads me hating myself and results in a vicious cycle of emotional breakdown.

我都有在練習在鏡子裡看看自己,有時看我自己Instagram的照片,以接受我的外貌。 我試圖接受,我只是看起來很平凡很平凡。 我不能要求更多的美麗,也許類似地,我不能要求碩士學位,然後,當我看到其他人有的東西,而我沒有,我就必須接受。 我只是不得不努力不斷地教導自己,在這個年齡,我必須接受生活從來不完美或者一定是美中不足的。 因為很難接受這種現實,這導致我討厭自己,導致情緒崩潰的惡性循環煩擾著我。

 

I understand the reality as I break it down to three parts: there is something that I have and will have, there is something that I will never have, and sooner or later I will also lose something like I have experienced losses in the past. I have certain abilities and certain loved ones while there are something or skills that I will never be able to master. I will lose some people who used to be in my life who either will leave the world before me or who either have personally chosen to turn away from me. Surely I will also lose anything that I cannot foresee. Because there are things or people that I will lose or I cannot keep, this may be why I have anxiety for being so afraid of facing what would happen in the future.

去理解現實,我把分為三個部分:有一些我已經和將會有的東西,有一些東西我永遠都不會有,有一些東西遲早也會失去,像我在過去經歷過的「失去」一樣。 我有一定的能力和有某些親人,而有些東西或技能,我永遠都不能夠掌握。 我會失去一些曾經在我生命中出現過的人,是因為他們在我之前離開了世界又或者選擇性離開,避開我。 當然,我也會失去我無法預想的東西。 有些事情或人,我總會失去或不能keep的,這可能是為什麼我害怕面對未來,好焦慮。

 

Maybe by now it is obvious that I am too obsessed with the intangible feeling of being successful and a life-winner, too scared about losing anything. A friend once said to me in our relationships with the others or when two people are in a relationship, there is no such thing as crowning who would be the winner. Again what she said dose not manage to convince me, but if I were to take her advice whole-heartedly, I might be very happy by now. I am trying to imagine how it would be like if I had accepted that I can lose, meaning that it is fine for me to not meeting many standards in many things, believing that this is because those standards are set by the others when I shall rather apply my own standards to live.

也許現在很明顯,我太痴迷於無形的成功感覺和要做一個人生贏家,太害怕失去任何東西。 一個朋友曾經對我說過,在我們所有人與他人的關係中,或者當兩個人在一個戀愛關係中時,沒有冠軍也沒有贏家。 其實她不能說服我,但如果我可以全心全意地聽取她的意見,我現在可能很快樂。 我試圖想像如果我接受了我可以輸,接受我不能在許多事情中達標,可能就會過得好好;去相信標準是由其他人設置的,我自己就要用自己的標準來生活。

 

If I am a sample for people to assess mentally-ill people, I guess I have demonstrated why it is so bad to be a perfectionist. ‘Perfectionists’ is a very pretty term; in truth it is a bunch of people that tend to classify everything that they do into either one of the categories: the winning basket or the losing basket. Extreme minds think alike? OMG that’s quite scary. By the way, why is it always hard to forgive either myself and those who mistreated me?

如果我是人們用來評估精神病患者的樣本人版裏的一個,我想我已經證明為什麼做一個完美主義者是如此糟糕的一回事。 「完美主義者」是一個非常漂亮的詞語; 事實上,只不過是一群人,傾向於將他們所做的一切分為兩類:勝利的籃子或失敗的籃子。 英雄所見略同, 那麼我們就是極端思維略同了。天呀,想想這麼極端可是相當可怕的。 順便問一下,為什麼我總是難以原諒我自己和那些對過我不好的人?

 

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Besides medical treatment, I don’t think I can get away with switching and adapting to a different mindset should I wish that I can get a full recovery. However, I just can’t do it! If i or anyone were to force myself to do it, it just makes me wanna cry right away because I want to be who I am. A dilemma again: to force myself to make changes to my personality in order to accept that things cannot turn out as expected and I am constrained from the thought of wanting to get more VS the freedom to keep my true feelings thus my original attitude to perceive things and people although this may put myself into an extremist position forever.

我希望我可以完全康復的話,除了醫學上的治療,我不認為我可以逃避切換去適應一個不同的心態。 但是,我就是做不到! 如果我或任何人強迫我這樣做,我只會想哭,因為我想做自己。 再一次有讓自己有兩難的局面了:我要限制自己別老是想得到更多,強迫自己改變我的個性以接受事情不能會如預期的發生 VS 保持我的真實感受,自由地保留原來的態度和對人與事的本身態度,不過這樣的話,可能我就會永遠極端思想了。

❤ Lala

 

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