Mastermind

New Year Resolution 新年目標

After almost 3 weeks, so entering my fourth week when Monday comes, things finally seem to settle: from buying all the necessary stuff for my dorm, organising my notes into different folders and planning ahead for a revision schedule, getting used to the tube and the buses, how to walk from here to there etc. Actually, I also went for a chilled interview at an education centre too. I wanted to see if I can get a part-time job teaching kids like I did in Hong Kong. Only after that I had a few emotional breakdowns so basically after crying crazily at my dorm again for a few times, I guess to think about earning pocket money whilst keeping up with my studies is too much for me to take; the priority is my mental state, then studies. I can’t afford to take more, although I always feel that I want to do more.

已經過了三星期,進入我回到倫敦的第四個星期了。要處理的事情終於似乎都被我解決了:從為我的宿舍房間買齊所有必要的東西,分類我寫的筆記到不同的文件夾,提前計劃一個溫習的時間表,習慣了坐這裡的巴士和地鐵,如何從一個地方走到另一個地方等等。其實,我去了一次補習社的簡單面試。 我想看看我能不能像我在香港一樣有教書的兼職工作。 但因為面試之後,我有幾次情緒崩潰,基本上自己不停在房間裡發狂哭泣了好幾次後,我想要去賺取零用錢而又跟上我的學習進度對我來說真的是太多了,我不能駕馭好; 我認清我的精神狀態優先,然後是上學讀書。 雖然我總是覺得我想做更多,我不能承擔更多。

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It’s sad that I can no longer bear as much pressure as I could in the past, but at least I kind of get away with it by saying to myself that the wage here to teach kids is lower than in Hong Kong. I think it goes without me explaining that I get better paid in Hong Kong because back home, I have the background of having lived in an English-speaking place for ages, unlike in England that I am the foreigner but not the native reducing my wages. Living costs in London are so high but since I am sick, I just have to pretend that I don’t actually know how much I have spent in less than a month. Then I come to remember how the French people love those little phrases such as ‘c’est la vie’ and ‘c’est comme ça’. To say ‘that’s life’ and ‘yeah yeah that’s how it is like’ bla bla. They really know the reality well rather than romance, at least according to what I felt during my year in Lyon.

很遺憾,我不像以前可承受壓力了,但是至少我可以這麼說,告訴自己在這裡做補習老師工資比香港低。 不用我解釋的,我在香港得到更好的報酬,因為我有多年在英語地方生活背景,不像在英國,我是外國人,就可減少我的工資 。 在倫敦生活消費好高,但因為我都生病了,我唯有假裝我不知道我在不到一個月花了多少錢。 然後我想起法國人如何愛將某些話掛在嘴,如「c’est la vie」和「c’est comme ça」。 說「這就是生活呀」和「就是這樣的啦」bla bla。根據我在里昂一年的生會,我的感覺是他們真的很了解現實,而不是浪漫。

 

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Last year at this time, I was still doing those NHS (the U.K. National Health Service) procedures to discharge myself from their unbelievably unhelpful psychiatric service, sorting out all the trivial stuff like cutting the water and electricity bills whilst I was so annoyed with all these due to my bipolar. No one could help me to do such trivial things, one, because my parents had all the way just lived in Hong Kong, two, it was me who was in charge over all the bills than my ex-flatmate. I still remembered I had to force myself to be patient on the phone hearing ‘please hold’ or something like that for so long that I felt that I wanted to become violent, i.e. slap someone or at least slap myself. Since I could not actually hit anyone, I just cried all the time. Ok, the reason I am saying all these is to remind myself that after a year, I have improved. I don’t feel belonged to my surroundings, but at least I could still sit here alone in front of my desk without tears on the first day of the Chinese New Year.

去年的這個時候,我仍然在做這些NHS(英國國家的醫療務)程序,從他們令人難以置信的無益的精神科服務把我除名,整理好多瑣碎的東西,如停水電費,而我當時又有燥鬱症了,很惱火要做所有這些。沒有人可以幫助我做這些微不足道的事情,其一,因為我的父母一直住在香港,其二,一向都是我,而不是和我舊合租的那位負責為公寓所有的賬單。我還記得我不得不強迫自己在電話聽到「請等候」或類似的東西,非要有耐心好久,我覺得我想一秒變得好暴力,像是書打人或至少拍自己。因為我實際上不能真的去打任何人,我所有時間就是哭了吧。好吧,我說所有這些的原因是要提醒自己,一年後,我改善了吧。我不覺得我屬於我的周圍環境,但至少在農曆新年的第一天,我仍然可以坐在這裡獨自在我桌前,沒有流眼淚。

 

I must mention that this year, I am pleased to live in another area of London than living in East London. Not only it makes it much easier to get to classes, I am living in a more safe area in terms of having lower opportunity to encounter crimes; this is so important for me since I am a very insecure person about everything. By the way, there was like this one day, I think a fortnight ago, I witnessed a robbery in the Westfield in East London when I just wanted to get some grocery inside the mall. East London frightens me basically since I also got molested three times there. I am just more than thankful that I don’t live there. Actually why was I so bad luck there? I really don’t know why.

我必須提一下,今年我很高興我住在倫敦的另一個地區,而不是住在東倫敦。 不僅更容易去坐車上課,是我生活在一個更安全的地方,有較少的機會碰上有人犯罪; 這對我非常重要,因為我是一個對一切都非常沒有安全感的人。 順便說一句,有一天,我想兩個星期前的事吧,我目睹了在東倫敦Westfield裏有人搶劫,我只是想去那商場買一些雜貨都給我碰到了。東倫敦基本上好嚇我,因為我在那被非禮了三次。 我好感謝我不用再住在那裡。其實為甚麼我在那這麼倒霉?我真的不能理解。

 

The most significantly difference to be living alone now would go to the fact that it makes such a big contrast to how I would always return home having the presence of my parents. I live alone, and then I cannot stop myself from asking why I have mental problems again. I find it so scary that when I am alone since I naturally seek to ask this question.

現在獨居的最明顯區別是,我總是回到家裡有我父母的存在做了一個好大的對比。 我獨居後,然後我不能阻止自己問自己為什麼我有精神問題。 當我獨自一人我就自然提出這個問題,其實都有點教我害怕。

 

I made myself to go to church wanting to discover the answer, and I observed something about people’s happiness. When I used to go to a church in East London, quite a great number of them were blue-collared. Things are different here that now I live in Zone 1, this new church I found consisted of mainly white-collared people, and I observed them; I want to see whether I am wrong to have come back to U.K. to bring down my level of happiness, and I hypothesise that perhaps studying more may make myself worse. I found out that the white-collared are more reserved about their feelings, and even they don’t seem sad, they smile less than those in East London. They do mention that they have pressure from work, but they tend to have this hopeful attitude that things will eventually be all right.

我自己去教會想要找答案,我去觀察人們的幸福感。 我過去去東倫敦的一個教堂,多數人都是藍領的。 在這裡不同,現在我住在第一區,我發現這個新的教會主要是白領的人,我就觀察他們; 我想看看我回到英國是否錯了,回來會不會降低我的幸福程度呢。我假設,也許念更多書可能會使自己更糟。 我發現白領人們會不太去表露自己的感受,而雖然他們看上去不悲傷,他們的微笑少於那些在東倫敦的人們。 他們提到自己有工作壓力,但他們傾向於帶有希望的態度,說事情最終會順利。

Businessman do not know where to go

 

I know this assumption I make does not really make sense and psychologically my sample size is too small and narrow, but my assumption may be partly correct. I remember I have found it happier to volunteer back in Hong Kong to play games with kids or just talking to kids in general. I wonder it might just be wrong at the first place that I have chosen to study all money-related law modules for my master and now sarcastically, I am back for the sake to complete these modules. Thankfully, since I have got into a habit of reading all those financial related stuff for quite a long while than when when I first started this degree back in 2015, I seem to understand a bit more about what I am studying. Yet, perhaps I am not studying what I really like. To be honest, what I may enjoy the most may be tutoring toddlers and very young kids. However, I can never imagine myself studying something else rather than law though, because all I can do is writing essays. Let’s say that I always put myself into dilemmas.

我知道這個假設真的不是好合理,心理學上,我的樣本規模又太小和狹窄,但我的假設可能部分是正確的。我記得我很高興能夠在香港做義工與小孩玩遊戲,或是一般和孩子們聊天。可能我一開始選擇了念所有與錢相關的法律科目的碩士就是錯誤,而現在好諷刺的就是我回來為了完成這些。幸運的是,不像我第一次在2015年開始這個學位的那般,因為我讓自己養成了有一個習慣閱讀所有這些財經相關的東西一段時間,我似乎更了解我在學什麼。但是,也許我不是在學習我真正喜歡的東西。說實話,我最喜歡的可能是幼兒和很年幼的孩子的相關工作。但是呢,我不能想像自己學習別的是別的東西而不是法律,因為我所能做的只是寫作文章。其實我總是將自己放進一些兩難的情況裏面。

 

My Chinese New Year resolution contains a few: to stop crying, find the answer to the meaning of having mental problems(if there are really reasons).I am tired of being tired from thinking negatively.If I can be greedy and ask for more, I want to be completely healed with no relapse ASAP.

我的中國新年目標包含幾個:停止哭泣,找到有心理問題的意義或答案(如果真有原因的話)。我厭倦了有思想負面的那種厭倦感覺。如果我可以貪婪點,要求更多 ,我想要馬上完全康復和不會復發。

❤ Lala

 

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