Mastermind

The unfamiliar London 陌生的倫敦

I did not have a good start for this returning trip to London. I felt so lonely, or shall I say I am just simply alone? But I am used to living alone before, so why do I feel so upset and helpless? Why it seems to me that everything just didn’t go smooth since the second I landed on the ground of U.K.?

這次返回倫敦,我好像沒有一個很好的開始。 我感到孤獨,還是說,我只是單獨而已? 但我本來習慣了獨自生活好久,為什麼我現在感到如此的不安和無奈?為什麼在我看來,由我降落在英國的地面上的那一秒,一切都能順利呢?

 

Even the week before, I realised that my mentality was outside of my control, and I was only left to accept that it was quite obvious that I cannot deal with exam stress anymore. Maybe I really need to use the word ‘fate’ – I have no choice to continue because my whole mental and physical state put a stop in front of me. I guess in the future, this means I cannot work in very competitive environment, but if so, where comes sufficient income for every single thing? Just look at how much I have spent in London recently is no difference than a horror show, so I really can’t just end up quitting this degree but to finish it this time – this is a one way trip.

即使在一個星期前,我已意識到我的心理狀況超出了我的控制,我只剩下接受,接受顯然,我不能再處理考試壓力了。 也許我真的需要使用「命運」這個詞語了 – 我沒有繼續的這個選擇,因為我的整個心理和身體狀態都停下來了。 我想在未來,這意味著我不能在非常競爭高的環境中工作,但如果是這樣,哪裡有足夠的收入去支付每一件事情? 看看我最近在倫敦花了的錢,簡直跟看恐怖表演沒什麼區別,所以我真的不能不念下去,而這次只能把這學位完成 – 這是只有單程路的旅行。

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Just two days before I was supposed to put myself on the plane, I did crazy stuff like I mentioned in my previous post ‘不想再信了 Quit the religion‘ walking to the seaside shouting out the name of God, scolding Him for his lack of response to my traumatised mental state, sat in the cold, eventually home when the sun arose and left with shame, unable to face my parents. I suddenly have a very religious way to talk about this: I am the sheep who hates community life and I get very angry with everyone around me worrying that they may harm me. As a result, I called God the shepherd to come look for me, like He promised He is a good shepherd which won’t abandon anyone. I don’t feel too much from Him, but at least not as resistant against Him now.

在我應該把自己放在飛機上的兩天前,我又做了瘋狂的東西,我在上一篇文章「不想再信了 Quit the religion」已提過了。走到海邊喊著上帝的名字,罵他的不回答我,不管我精神創傷,讓我坐在寒冷之中,最後太陽出來就回家,因為帶著恥辱,無法面對我的父母。 我突然有一個非常宗教的方式來說這個感受:我是討厭社區生活的一隻羊,我對周圍的每個人都很生氣,害怕他們可能傷害我。 結果,我呼召神,以牧者的身份來尋找我,祂答應過人說祂是一個好牧人,不會放棄任何人的。 可是我從祂身上感覺不到太多,但至少現在也不那樣想抵抗祂了。

 

The day I arrived London, I couldn’t get an Uber, I took the tube and was unable to carry all my suitcases all by myself but thanks to the help of people around me, I managed to climb all the stairs with their help in lifting up my suitcases to the exit or places with escalator. I then had a problem with Google Map that I could not locate the accommodation I had to look for, and wasted more than an hour, carrying all the stuff with my both hands, I arrived almost in tears; I was preparing to scream and give up and lie on the floor to roll around to cry on the street and declared that I was helpless. I sound nonsense, irrational just like how people who had treated me meanly had described me, but they didn’t know that just being on my own to survive is already a goal for me.

我到達倫敦的那天,我連Uber也call不到,我就去坐地鐵,我自己吃力地拐著我所有的行李箱,但感謝路人的幫助,我才有本事爬上所有的樓梯,有他們的幫助,我的行李和我最終能夠一起到達出口或有扶手電梯的地方。 然後我的Google地圖竟然耍到我團團轉,我找不到的住宿,但又不得不尋找呀!最後浪費了超過一個小時,我的雙手緊握所有的東西,我幾乎又惹出淚水了; 我準備尖叫,放棄,躺在地板上滾來滾去在街上哭泣,並宣布我無奈好了。 我聽起來就是廢物,不合理的物體,就像曾經對我差的人描述我的一樣,但他們不知道原來能夠自己生存已經是我現在的一個目標了。

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So I spent the first few days just walking out back and forth, receiving delivery of things, basically spending the money to get everything I need to live in a new place. My bipolar rumbled apparently, because, I had so many little problems of sorting everything out from living to administration work to re-enrol at university, the feeling that I could not bear stress came back like how I could not do exams. I planned to give up everything and just flew back to Hong Kong especially after the London tube strike on my first school day -standing in the cold for over an hour for a bus, too fed up with everything being overpriced and inefficient in the U.K. in general, and the lack of companions since most people I know are not in the U.K. anymore, and I haven’t got to easily know people like how people got connected to each other when the first term began. I began now as a second term new-comer. All the trivial yet necessary stuff waiting for me to sort out, leaving me in distress and anger. I used to have to deal with all these in the past anyways, just somehow they have now become hard to be done.

所以我花了前幾天只是走來走去,去買東西或收包裹,基本上花錢來買生活上我需要的一切來住在一個新的地方。我的燥鬱症顯然又發作,因為,我有很多小問題,從生活到去大學重新註冊,我不能承受壓力的感覺又回來了,像我不能考試的感覺一樣。特別是因為在我的第一個開學天就倫敦搞個地鐵大罷工,我好沮喪,我計劃放棄一切,快快飛回香港 — 在寒冷的街上用上超過一個小時等一輛公共汽車,太忍無可忍英國一般來說的一切物價過高和效率過低,我認識的大多數人也不在英國,所以現在也缺乏同伴了,同時間,我是插班生,也不能像以前跟所有人一起入學那般, 很容易就認識大家了。所有瑣碎但必要的東西都在等待我整理,我覺得好痛苦和憤怒。這些以前都要處理的事現在都變成難事了。

 

These two/three days, I am finally closed to all packed, mostly sorted regarding matters with my university, I forced myself to dance. I must release the so-called happy hormones from exercising before mental breakdowns attack me.

這兩/三天,我終於接近把東西都收拾好,解決了大部分我大學有關的事情,於是我強迫自己跳舞。 我必須在精神崩潰之前,以運動來釋放所謂的快樂激素。

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My ballet shoes

Recently I have been spending so much within this short period of time just to settle down, and even extra money by buying food from outside since after going around London to sort each thing out and unpacking, I really could not have the ability to cook anymore. Dose anyone remember how much money they have spent for moving house? Was the process also disastrous? Or, was it just me after all.

最近我一直在這麼短的時間內花費這麼多,只是為了安頓下來。也甚至花了額外的錢,從外面購買食物,因為去到倫敦以後就一直在處理事情和收拾東西時,我真的不能夠做飯了 。 有人記得他們以前花了多少錢搬家嗎? 這個過程是否也這麼災難性呢? 又或者,是不是到頭來都只是我的問題。

 

I am hoping to feel better and better soon about London, as this place was once so familiar to me. Now, I don’t think actually know it anymore. And of course, hope I can deal with the workload unlike last semester when I was feeling so certain that I would be on the list to re-sit the exam. Actually better prepared for re-sit; I am still too scared I am about exams disappointing myself.

我希望對倫敦的感覺可以愈來愈好,因為這是我曾經那麼熟悉的地方。 現在,我都不認識這地方了。 當然,希望我能處理好我的工作量,不像上個學期的感到我確定自己會在考試要重考的名單上。 實際上就準備重考好了; 我仍然太害怕考試,真讓我失望。

❤ Lala

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