🛬 🛩 Landed at 4:30 a.m. in London, I am finishing this post off before I set off to my accommodation which dose not open till 10 a.m.
Being on the plane to Heathrow, and because of the distress inside my heart, I’m typing again in the air, this time, it is about my intention to still believe in but no longer commit to my religion, I believe it’s a true religion and god and Jesus and the bible, but not commit to the rules it laid down, before I get over pressurised again. So because of me being a generally skeptical person against others, it has made me to have chosen and grabbed tight on the religious faith as my cure. But I’m not so sure if I can still think do the same anymore.
在往希思羅機場的飛機上，我心裡面好痛苦，我就在空中打帖文了，而這一次，我想說的是我仍然相信我的宗教，我相信這是一個真實的宗教和神，耶穌和聖經都是真的，但不想再以服從，投入的態度去對待。不想再遵守它規定的規則，因為帶給我好大壓力。 我是一個平常對人疑心重的人，我以前選擇和緊緊抓住我的宗教信仰作為我的治療良方。 但是，我不確定我會不會仍然可以這樣下去了。
I don’t like that I have to go through trials, which means basically having difficulties in life planned by the Lord God. Supposedly, Christians believe that things are under His plan, but not out of luck or out of the blue, although this cannot really be explained in words.
I know that I worship for both being thankful and faithful and when I’m in hardship. I think that things should not be taken for granted, so I have many things to be thankful as given by Him, let’s say loved ones.
I have been more faithful one day after another. I wouldn’t bother praying before I started my life alone but when a human is put to a helpless situation where you know no one person can be there for you 24/7 or worse, there are people who you must face who like to play mindful games to harm you; you just naturally seek for the a higher force. I prayed, I started to see positive changes, so even I met Christians and have been to quite many churches that I don’t like, I know I trust Him, so whoever dose not matter if I don’t get on with him/her while being in a same religious community.
我一天比一天更加確信（信仰）。在開始獨自生活之前，我當時並不會願意祈禱，但當一個人被帶到一個無助的情況，你知道沒有一個人可以每天24小時幫你，或更糟，有些人你一定要面對，而他們又愛攻心計去傷害你; 你自然地就會尋求一個在上面的力量。 我祈禱，我開始看到正面的變化，所以即使我到了很多教會遇到我不喜歡的基督徒，我知道我相信祂，所以無論如何，和那一個他/ 她在同一個宗教社區內並不重要。
The most significant hardship came, I did not bombard him with complaints. I just cried a lot. I accepted that I don’t get an explanation of why I got mentally ill, I was still holding a strong faith, because I used to think, even He saw this abnormal me, He provided the good stuff in this long period to me too, because He cared and so I only just begged for his healing! I am an extremely insecure person even I may not look like one as I don’t like this kinda image shown on my face, so the thing that I would want the least is his abandonment of me.
到最大的困難來了，我沒有轟炸祂去投訴。 我只是哭個不停。 我接受解釋不了為什麼我患有精神病，我仍然堅持好強的信念，因為我曾經認為，即使祂看到這個異常的我，祂在這段好長的日子裏，提供了好東西給我，是也因為祂關心，所以我只是求祂醫治我！ 我是一個非常沒有安全感的人，即使我可能不像，因為我不喜歡這種形象顯示在我的臉上，所以最不會想要的事就是祂放棄了我。
How could He do this to me? The night I ran away to the pier, looking at planes flying out at the other side across the sea, I finally got the chance to let my feelings out. As my mum correctly pointed out, if I were to scream inside the flat at home, neighbours and security guards of the building would come to complain about my noise nuisance for sure and worse I know I could end up inviting police to visit me.
祂怎麼能這樣對我？ 那天夜裡我跑到碼頭，看著飛機在對面海起飛，我才終於有機會讓我感覺放鬆。 正如我媽媽正確地指出，如果我在家裡的單位裡尖叫，鄰居和大樓的保安肯定會來抱怨我的噪音滋擾，更糟的是，我知道我可能最終邀請警察上門。
It felt ever so good to just scream and cry with the deepest part of my lungs, stumping my feet. After all no human presence could be seen. Like a homeless person, but I kept crying to squeeze out the word to ask how could it make sense that the all loving God allowed me to breakdown like this, the all powerful God did not cure me but let me continue to live in guilt.
我的肺的最深的部分發出的尖叫和哭泣，外加瘋狂跺腳，這是從未有過的好感覺。 畢竟周圍都沒有人。 像一個無家可歸的人，但我不斷哭泣，擠出話去問一個充滿愛的上帝允許我這樣崩潰，萬能的上帝沒有治愈我，但讓我繼續生活於內疚裏面。
I have this conflict in my mind which always makes me feel that I can explode anytime. Read the bible, there are many more teachings, so kinda like requirements about what a follower should and shouldn’t do. For me, this constitute a whole load of unbearable pressure; my brain blamed me for not being up to standard as to be what was required by God, and at the same time I asked my brain so when can i be released from following these commands. I have enough.
在我心中我有這種衝突，總是讓我覺得我可以隨時爆炸。 閱讀聖經，裏頭有好多教義，有點像信徒去知道應該和不應該做的手冊般。 對我來說，這構成了一個無法忍受的壓力; 我的大腦指責我沒有達到上帝所要求的標準，同時我問我的大腦，所以我什麼時候可以從這些命令釋放。 我已經受夠了。
I know God in the bible has used people who made mistakes to do great stuff, people would say it’s ok if I repent. What if I don’t actually feel like that’s the need to repent and to call me to repent and live in guilt has done enough harm to me? Some churches may say with my case I must have walked down the wrong track towards the devil. I just don’t want to get pressure from this religion anymore, I wonder if people can understand what I’m actually saying.
我知道上帝在聖經中使用犯過錯誤的人做偉大的事情，人們就會對我說，如果我悔改就可以了。 如果我真的不覺得有什麼需要悔改，並覺得要我悔改和內疚的生活在已經對我造成了足夠的傷害呢？ 有些教會可能會說我的情況是我向魔鬼走下錯誤的軌道。 我只是不想再得到這個宗教的壓力，其實，有人能夠理解我實際上在說什麼嗎。
I would never deny His existence since I felt Him before but about staying committed is not the same. Thinking about reading biblical verses which talk about how God would never forsakes his followers, how He love us so much by sending Jesus to die on the Cross, I don’t reject all these believes.
What I actually feel is that I have no more strength to be forced to be a better person according to the biblical standards, neither can I still pray for repentance; I don’t think I’m demon-possessed, but just by the idea to have to listen to hymns, reading the bible like the story of job, socialise with religious community, to repent unwillingly etc, I need to breathe and quit. This week, every time I think about things that are related to Christianity, I get anger and heart-broken – he left me in this mental state that I suddenly feel that He dose not love me anymore, but I’m a clown who He sees doing ugly and crazy acts like that day.
我實際上感覺到的是，根據聖經標準，我沒有更多的力量迫我成為一個更好的人，我也不能祈禱悔改; 我不認為我被惡魔上身的，但只是因為想起要聽聖詩，閱讀聖經，像約伯的故事，與宗教困體社交，我又不願意悔改等等等等，我需要呼吸和離開。 本週，每當我想到與基督教有關的事情，我就會感到憤怒和傷心 – 祂讓我處於這種精神狀態裏，突然覺得祂不愛我了，但我像是一個小丑，祂看著這樣醜陋和瘋狂的我。
I want an answer. Is it because I have not been a good person so now I am expelled? If not, why have I never felt that disappointed with Him for over 10/11 years till this week? Just please stop forcing me to repent, to have to think about what mistakes I have made so regularly that I keep calling myself sinner and I already tried to act my best in front of everyone. I did everything to the greatest extent that I could why still blamed me so badly?
我想要一個答案。 是因為我不是一個好人，所以現在我被驅逐了嗎？ 如果沒有，為什麼我超過10/11年都從來沒有感到失望，直到本週？ 只是請停止強迫我悔改，要我考慮我所犯的錯誤，不斷呼喚自己是罪人，和我已經試圖在大家面前表現最好的我了。 我做了一切我可做的最高程度，為什麼仍然責怪我得這麼重？
So since the Lord abandoned me, I just hope that sooner or later, apart from God, it would not be that families and friends also begin to hate me.
I used to think leaving this religious faith will take my life but now I want to do the opposite to break free. A church I once went to talk about how a former church goer later on quite the religion and this shall be deeply discouraged which marked the sermon of the day.
Seems that I’m jointing this list, but I welcome solutions or explanations offered to me if you can give me any. Just one think I ask of you politely, suggest but no lecturing or provoking please. I have enough from my bipolar episodes this week already.