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Please instruct me how to be a ‘good person’ 請教我如何做一個「好人」

Sometimes those behaviours of mine during my emotional breakdowns are very similar, and even one full day had passed, the negativity I got from the day before yesterday still seemed to last till yesterday; I am thankful that today I feel better. I think a lot, and tend to think about unhappy stuff a lot, which is, well, just super bad. Don’t mind me being negative as you read on.

有時候,在我情緒崩潰期間,我的行為好像每次都非常相似,而我從前天得到的消極感好像雖然過了一整天,仍似乎持續到昨天; 我感謝今天的我感覺好了。 我想很多,並傾向想不快樂的東西,唉。閱讀下去的你不要介意我的負能量呀。

good20dream20bad20dream1

The day before yesterday at midnight, I tried my best to study and revise for my upcoming exams, and then for over 4 times during my all-nighter revision, I couldn’t resist to recall upsetting past events, and I could not stop blaming myself for all the regrets I had; I could have not made that many mistakes or simply could have done better. The sun rose, I apologised for the fuss for everything that I did to my parents, I told myself off, I felt so guilty.

前天在午夜時,我盡力為我即將到來的考試溫習,然後在我整夜通宵時,超過4次,我竟然不能抵擋自己回憶過去不快樂的事件,我不能停止責備我自己有的所有遺憾; 我可以沒有犯這麼多錯誤,或者可以做得更好。 太陽升起,我為我對父母所做的一切都感到非常抱歉,我責備自己,我感到內疚。

 

I leaned against the window, with sunlight gently beaming to me and birds humming from the outside, I felt as as if for the first time in my life that I have forgotten the gift of nature, although typing this out I could give you the impression that I was faking some kind of poetic image for myself, but I really just felt that way. Having listened to the birds for some time till I found that it was finally sufficient enough to move on, I however only moved on to run tears down my face but nothing else. Recently I could easily get anxious about being in a confined space in a city environment. For example, I didn’t mind the cold weather and the much time-consuming long walk home because I would be happy by walking than to be confined in a bus or train compartment in order to reach home.

我靠在窗戶上,陽光輕輕地向我照過來,鳥兒從外面哼唱著,我覺得彷彿在我生命中第一次忘記了大自然是一份禮物,雖然將這樣的感覺打出來,我可能給了你的印象是我為自己偽造了某種偽詩意偽文青的形象,但我真的只是有這樣感覺。 聽鳥兒唱歌,直到一段時間後我發現我要前進不停流在這感覺上,我卻只是可以讓淚水滾到我下巴,但沒有別的可做到。 最近,我很容易因為在城市環境中的密閉空間感到焦慮。 例如,我不介意在寒冷的天氣,漫長地步行回家,因為走路我會很高興,相反,我不要被限制在巴士或港鐵車廂內。

 

I cannot change the history, I cannot change all the mistakes that I have made, I feel really helpless and worthy of condemnation. I know how I am annoying, impatient, quick to throw tantrums etc etc. If I am someone in the bible, probably I would be the woman who got stoned since I think people all judged me in contempt, or someone who was punished in some sorts of ways.

我不能改變歷史,我不能改變我所做過的所有錯誤,我感到真的好無奈和值得譴責。我知道我好煩人,不耐煩,易發脾氣等等等等。如果我是一個聖經人物,也許我會是那個被扔石頭的女人,因為我認為人們都蔑視我, 我要被某種方式懲罰。

 

sick-and-tired

I am very tired. Some religious people for example would try to present themselves as very morally righteous, and people with high standards and demands on their own actions often do the same. I don’t get this thing called morality anymore. I just know if putting myself on a tight scale, I could be morally degrading, and even my faith says people shall start again after they have seriously repented, dose someone ever understood that I am not the type of people who can go along with the flow? Deep down, I don’t want to repent anymore, and I ask, how much longer can I be free from repenting and scolding myself to re-start my life without guilt again? Yet if people then say to me that no one is judging me, I can’t believe it though. To be honest, I don’t actually comprehend what is my mind doing.

我很累。 例如一些宗教人士會試圖將自己表現得道德正義之士,或者那些對自己行為有好高標準和要求的人往往也這樣做。 我不知道甚麼是道德了。 我只是知道如果把自己放在嚴格的規條上量度,我可能會在道德上墮落吧,雖在我的信仰說,人們他們認真悔改後就將可重新開始,有人明白我不是go with the flow的類型的人嗎? 心底深深處,我不想悔改了,我問,我還要多長時間才不需再悔改和責罵自己,重新開始我沒有內疚感的生活呢? 然而,如果人們對我說沒有人在批判我,我又不能相信。 說實話,我實際上並不理解我的心理在做什麼。

 

Let’s come back to talk about the day before yesterday then. Having finished with crying, I ate out and watched a movie at the cinema. I felt so empty in my heart, I think I just wanted to eat, and reflected how alike I might be to those unfortunate characters in the film. Home for revision, my head was then getting dizzy and marked the end of the day. I remember the next day which being therefore yesterday, I felt so great when the sun rose, knowing that I made myself through to live for one more day. I hope that whenever from now on, every time when I open my eyes, I would see sunshine and no more punishment on my mentality.

讓我回來談談前天。 哭夠了,我出外吃飯,看電影。 我在心裡感到空虛,我當時只是想吃東西,並且反思我與電影中那些不幸的人物有多相似。 回家溫習,我就開始頭暈,標誌著一天的結束。 我記得之後那天即是昨天,當太陽升起時,感覺真是太好了,因為我知道我又過了一天。 我希望從現在開始,每次我睜開眼睛,我都會看到陽光,我的心不用再受懲罰。

 

The clock for counting down the days to go back to university is ticking fast now, and it’s good they I finally don’t have to bother my family members and any others to take care of me, at least not physically. I beg for guidance to get some improvement on my typical and habitual life, on many many things. I’m not a good person, I don’t know what is the definition of ‘a good person’, but I really have enough from forcing myself into repenting day after day. May the Lord bless me even He may have plans to punish me.

計時的話,回到大學的日子真近。這是件很好的事,因為終於不必打擾我的家人和任何其他人去照顧我起碼身體方面都不用了。 我懇求指導,以獲得在一切,所有東西上都可有一些改善,改善我一路以來的生活。 我不是一個好人,我不知道「一個好人」的定義是什麼,但我真的受夠了強迫自己日復一日的悔改行為。即使主可能有計劃懲罰我,願祂也祝福我。

 

alice-facepalm

I would finish this post by telling you something light and funny though. So this morning I went to see my psychiatrist for the very last time before I head back to U.K. He had to write me a medical certificate in a letter form, and guess what, he was so grammatically nonsense. I had a skim-read of the letter and I found that he spelt ‘Easter’ as ‘Ester’, then when he printed out a new copy, he made the most basic grammar mistake where the verbs referring to a ‘she’ all miss the ‘s’, let’s say, he wrote ‘she begin’ not ‘she begins’. He still did not stop here. For one more time, another new copy, he wrote ‘Your faithfully’ and I bursted into laughter; I said, ‘I am literally gonna faint, are you actually a doctor?’ In the end, the consultation room was filled with our laughter. Hands up and face palm. LOL

完結這篇帖文前,告訴你一件好笑的事情。 今天早上,是我回英國前最後一次去看我的精神科醫生。他要寫一份像信的診斷書,又有誰會想到他是語法白痴。 我快速地把信讀了一編,我發現他寫「Ester」不是「Easter」,然後當他打印出一份新的副本時,他又犯了最基本的語法錯誤,其中動詞指的是一個「她」,「s」卻都沒有了!比方說,他寫「she begin」而不是「she begins」。 再一次,另一個新的副本打印好,他寫了「Your faithfully」,我大笑了; 我說:「我要暈倒了,你真的是醫生嗎?」最後,診症室充滿了我和他的笑聲。真的看不下去了。LOL

❤ Lala

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