Mastermind

The consequence to take when I confess I have depression 承認有抑鬱症的後果

Even though I am no way near to be called a popular or influential blogger, to encourage people to seek professional help when they are or they know people who are mentally troubled is one reason why I keep writing. I don’t want anyone to simply shed tears day after day or get into habitual suicidal attempts, and as a netizen, so far I am lucky that no one has really left me any nasty messages. Recently I find out people who keep seeing me in person when get told that I have some mental problems react differently. Since I own up to my depression myself, I seem to get an unwelcoming consequence just recently.

即使我不能稱為一個受歡迎或有影響力的blogger,鼓勵當人們自己或他們知道身邊有人有精神問題時邀尋求專業幫助,是我繼續寫作的一個原因。 我不想有人每天流淚,或者經常企圖自殺,而作為一個網民,到目前為止,我很幸運,因為沒有人給我留下甚忙討厭或攻擊我的信息。 最近我發現,當我親自面對面告知一些會與自己經常碰面的人,我其實有一些心理問題,大家反應不一。 由於我自己坦白去說出自己有抑鬱症,我最近似乎得到一個不受歡迎的後果。

 

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I will still be working as English tutor till the very last day of December. In general I quite like my workplace because I like children and my colleagues are mostly quite friendly. I am thankful that I get to be in a working environment like this as in the past I always had to intern in competitive places which brought me down. So I did not mind owning up to my depression to everyone at this place when I was still a newbie just one month after I began working there. I honestly didn’t expect I would get a negative consequence from a colleague of mine recently, just about two weeks before I quit this job.

我會做英語老師的工作直到12月的最後一天。 一般來說,我挺喜歡我的工作環境,因為我喜歡孩子,而我的同事大多都相當友好。 我很感激我能夠在這樣的環境中工作,而不像過去一樣,總是在競爭激烈的地方實習,讓我好失望。當我還是一個新人,只在這地方工作了一個月後,我已經不介意對這個地方的每個人去承認我有抑鬱症。 我真的沒想到在我只有大約兩個星期就要辭去這份工作時,竟然被一位同事帶來因為承認我有抑鬱症而要背負的後果。

 

So one colleague during lunchtime asked me what are the causes of my depression, I talked about briefly how my boarding experiences might have accumulated my sadness and loneliness. Unlike other colleagues who simply asked me questions about whether I am well enough to return to studies or suggesting ways to think positively, she used the term ‘princess syndrome’ to describe me in front of me and other colleagues, making the point that everyone has sad times but that does’t mean that people shall therefore live in sadness, lecturing me that I am fortunate compared to the children in Africa, and then told me to be thankful since I have no financial burden and I am fortunate to have the support of my family to fund my studies overseas.

有一個同事在午餐時間是問我,我患上抑鬱症的原因是什麼,我就簡要地談論了我當宿生的經驗,可能那段日子積累了我的悲傷和孤獨感。 不像其他同事問我的病是否真的好了可以讓我去再次上學去或建議我一些積極思考的方法,那位同事毫忌諱地在我和其他同事面前,用「公主症」一詞來描述我,指出每個人都有悲傷的時候,但這並不意味著人們因此應該生活在悲傷中,並說與非洲的孩子相比,我好幸運,然後告訴我要感恩我沒有經濟負擔,幸運有家人資助我在外國念書。

 

Did she upset me? Certainly yes. I cried. Her comments used to be exactly what I told myself day after day over years. Whenever I was upset since I started my boarding life at twelve, I was filled with guilt that I was pissed off with a community and foreign life. It was only closer to the end of this year that I had successfully taught myself that I fell sick and it is Ok. I am in the minority who has a grudge against such type of life who began a boarding life since a relatively young age whilst the majority who either had or hadn’t experienced a boarding life tends to recall lives abroad positively.

她的話有傷了我心嗎? 那是當然的吧。 我哭了。 她的評論就是以前的我日復一日地告訴自己的說話。 當我從十二歲開始了我的寄宿生活,我就充滿了內疚,覺得我不可以不喜歡在外國的這種群體生活。 其實是接近今年年底的時候,我才終於可以成功地教自己,我只是生病了。 我是少數人對從這樣的一種生活有一點怨恨的感覺,因為相對其他也是年輕小小就到外國念書的人,大多數人曾經有或沒有經歷過寄宿生活的他們,往往會正面地評價著在外國的生活。

 

I spent time doubting myself like I used to do in the past after I heard what my colleague said. It could be pictured as me moving side to side in my head, not sure if I should repent and lecture myself for not appreciating the opportunity to be arranged by my parents to seek better quality of education through living the boarding life. Actually I don’t know how many times exactly that I have been talking about my guilt for being a boarding-life hater anymore since I started blogging. Hope I don’t start attracting haters from this moment onwards for being over-repetitive.

之後我就花時間懷疑著自己的想法,問我自己是不是一個就像我同事描述的那樣的人。 有種感覺就是我就在我的腦裡就左右兩邊搖晃著,不知道我是否應該懺悔和教訓一下自己,有多麼不懂感謝我父母安排了我有通過寄宿生活從而尋求更好的教育的機會。 事實上,由我開始了blogging,我已不知道有多少次一直在談論我對宿舍生活的厭惡而產生的內疚感。 希望我雖然過度重複,我不會從這一刻開始吸引haters吧。

 

Over consecutive days after the comment I received from my colleague, I started to name people who I personally know in my life, from very close, quite close to not very close. Since I own up that my mental health is problematic myself, I take the consequence that my colleague is by so far the third person to join the list to despise me reasoning how problematic I am to have such kind of mental health. I am critical with myself which means that one of my very obvious short-comings is that I am very afraid of criticisms made my others about me. My logic says I do not have to care what is said by those are not very close, or maybe not even those are quite close.

在從我的同事評論我之後的連續幾天,從非常親近的人,挺親近的人,到不是很親近的人,我開始數著我在生活中所應識的人的名字。 因為我是自己去坦白說出我心理的問題,我就要接受後果,就是我的同事是迄今為止第三人因為我有精神病推去理我多麼有問題,或因為我的精神病鄙視我的第三人。 我會批評自己,也就是說我非常明顯的一個缺點是,我很害怕其他人對我的批評。 我的邏輯思維說,我不必關心不是很親近的人的說話,或者不必關心那些和自己挺親近的人。

 

I ended up re-teaching myself that I fell sick is a reality but it is Ok; I was brought down by my colleague and I would be lying if I say I wasn’t affected. It is just that having been in a friendly working environment for more than half a year, I forget that there will always be people who is bad to me wherever I go. I think if possible, I want to refer my colleague to read my post, ‘Self vanity kills(+movie review) 做人別太自大(+影評)‘.

我最後重新教自己,我生病了是一個現實,但無關係的; 我的同事讓我好低落,如果我說我沒有受到影響,我只是說謊罷了。 只是,在一個友好的工作環境已經半年多了,我忘記了無論我走到哪裡,總會有人對我不好的。 我想如果可能的話,我想邀請我的同事閱讀我的一篇帖文,「Self vanity kills(+movie review) 做人別太自大(+影評)」。

 

I have decided to remain open and own up to my depression if mental illness is brought up as a topic, be prepared for the possible consequence that I will get prejudiced or despised in the future again. When depression is not a moral punishment or a law-breaking outcome, I rather talk about it even more if this is something brought up in a conversation with somebody, in case the listener in front of me would find what I say useful for themselves or people they know.

如果精神疾病在我和別人談話時成為一個話題,我決定保持開放,承應和談論我的抑鬱症,也準備可能的後果,就是我會在未來再次受到偏見或鄙視。 當抑鬱症不是道德懲罰或違法的果實,我寧願談論它更多,萬一在我面前的聆聽者會發現我說的話對自己或認識的人有用, 。

 

Each time when I take that initiative to tell someone who dose not know I have depression about it, I do feel blood pumping to my heart much more rapidly. I normally just shock people saying ‘hey, I am mentally ill’, like this, Haha. But whether or not someone like me feels ready to openly admit to their mental state, there is nothing to lose to go get a mental health checkup first.

每次我採取主動告訴本來不知道我有抑鬱症的人我有這個病,每次我都會感到血液比平時更快的泵送到我的心臟。 我通常只是嚇了人們一下說,「嘿,我精神病」,就這樣,哈哈。 但是,不管像我的人是否願意開放承認他們的精神狀態,先去造一個精神健康檢查吧,反正沒有什麼可失的。

❤ Lala

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