Master-love · Mastermind

My inability to let logic supersede emotions 無力讓邏輯駕馭我的情緒

Sometimes it is truly daunting when I heard about the scary power of a breakup in a relationship for people who are emotionally weak or if you are nice, call them sentimental then. When I was out of my mind and wanted to die at a beach earlier this year, the life guards dragged me back and one of them told me a story about his sister getting depression because of a breakup. Although the reason with him mentioning this was to encourage me as he witnessed his sister’s recovery, this makes me find it sad that romance could actually lead to depression.

失戀有種可怕的力量,對於情緒疲弱的人,其實真的好令人生畏,或者如果你比較有同理心,那麼也可以稱他們為多愁善感的人吧。 想起在今年早些的時候,我去海灘尋死,救生員把我拖回來了,而其中一個告訴了我一個故事,就是他的姐姐被甩了,失戀,就患上抑鬱症。目睹他姐姐康復了,所以他告訴我他姐姐的事是想鼓勵我,但也使我發現悲傷的事實,就是浪漫可能導致抑鬱症。

 

With such factual evidence, I am now saying that a broken relationship can be triggering factor to depression, but hold on a second; the stress studies, financial difficulties, health issues, to put it right, anything can be a triggering factor! But if it is possible, don’t let a breakup drag you down, and don’t allow it to cause mental problems for you.

有了這樣的事實證據,我現在可以說失戀可以是一個觸發抑鬱症的因素,但等等; 學習的壓力,財政困難,健康問題,正確來說,任何東西都可能是一個觸發因素!但如果可以的話,就不要讓失戀把你跨倒,不要讓它給你造成精神問題。

 

After having undergone treatment with my psychiatrist for this entire year, I am able to see progress in dealing with my mental problems. Mostly I am still quite logical but these two weeks made me even question my ability to stay calm. To be honest, I am  quite ashamed that I still can’t get out of my breakup after almost seven months now, so I have worked hard on doing different things not only because logically I know life has to go on, I don’t want this unpleasant breakup experience to trigger me into an emotional outbreak, like I shall avoid stay away from anything that can be triggering materials.

接受了我精神科醫生這一年的治療後,我能夠看到我的精神問題方面的進展。 大多數時候我還是很理性的,但這兩個星期讓我懷疑我可以保持冷靜的能力。 老實說,我很懺愧,因差不多七個月了,我仍然未能離開我失戀的陰霾,所以我努力做著不同的事情,不僅因為從邏輯上我知道生活必須繼續,而我不想要這不愉快的失戀體驗觸發我進情緒失控,像我會遠離任何可以觸發我的因素。

 

helpless

My depression was not caused by a breakup but only that the breakup is one big reason among many that lengthens my recovery progress. I am not here to publicly criticise the person who dumped me because it all comes down to me; I could have put aside the pain I get from being dumped and all the memories from the past relationship. It is still to hard for me to accept that I was dumped in the name of my sickness.

我的抑鬱症不是由失戀造成的,但只是失戀是在許多原因中裏的一個,舉足輕重,延長了我的康復進展。 我不是要在這裡公開批評不要我的人,因為一切都歸於我; 我可以放下因為被甩和過去由這段愛情的所有回憶所帶來的痛苦。 因為生病而被逼失戀,我還未能釋懷。

 

Last few weeks, as if I was brought back to a short period in the first half of this year, the fear I had for the temper of the person that I liked came back to me. In that period, I was just so anxious even by thinking of him; I worried that he might scold me even though he did apologise each time after having scared me. Last few weeks, I dreamt of this person involuntarily telling me off loudly in my nightmares, and I got woken up with my heart pumping.

最近幾個星期,我好像被帶回去到今年上半年的一個短暫時期,我對於那我曾喜歡的人的脾氣感到的恐懼感回來了。 在那個時期,我只要想起他就會焦慮;即使他每次嚇怕我之後都會道歉,我好擔心他可能會罵我。 最近幾個星期,我不由自主地在我的惡夢中夢見這個人大聲罵我,我就會醒來,心跳好快。

 

Then this week another upsetting memory came back to hit me; with the same person, I thought of him this time in anguish. One night this week, I missed a train stop and had to get off at a station where once I was having an emotional breakdown there. The night of my breakdown at this station, it was really scary for me to be stranded at this train station finding out that the last train departed already. Except three men who stared at me from a distance suspiciously, no one was really on the street outside the station. In tears, I rang and call ‘that person’ who lived at a walkable distance to this station to come to find me, just right after I rang my Dad to come to drive me home. I however found out that this person has actually been very sick of dealing with my breakdown episodes, just like how he had to come out to meet me at the train station, and so dumping me is his ultimate response to me.

然後這個星期,另一個令我不安的記憶也都回來了; 又是他,我這次在痛苦中想到他。 這個星期的一個晚上,我坐過了一個火車站,不得不在那我一度情緒崩潰的車站下車。 那個教我崩潰的夜晚真的很可怕,因為最後一班火車已經開出了,我就被困在這個火車站了。 除了三個帶著可疑眼神的男人在盯著我,沒有人真的在車站外面的街道上。 眼淚流下了,一打完電話給我爸爸來帶叫他駕車來接我回家之後,我打電話給 「那個人」叫他來找我,因話他是可用走來到這個火車站的。 但我發現,「那個人」實際上對於要處理我的情緒已經好厭倦了,就像他出來去火車站見我一樣,所以不要我是他對我的最終回答吧。

 

I felt so depressed that night this week when these memories came back to my head just by the sight of the same train station before my eyes. Telling myself to stay calm, I told myself that unlike before, this time there were still a number of trains waiting for departure so I would be able to get home. Supposedly I should be happy that this time, and to my surprise, I began crying on the train home. I felt so depressed that in the past, I dared to find it scary just by missing a train when I knew my Dad was on my way to pick me up, and to still got upset by the fact that I was dumped for my sickness even I took in the bad temper of a former lover. I am just very bad at moving on and leaving what had happened in the past behind.

當這個火車站一出現在我的眼前,那個晚上的記憶竟然突然在我的腦海裡播放。 我告訴自己要保持冷靜,我告訴自己,這一次不像以前,還有一些火車等待開出呢,所以我可以回家的。 顯然我應該很高興,我也不能相信自己,我在火車上開始哭泣了。 我對那個晚上的我感到很鬱悶,我當時竟然因為沒有火車服務,又知道我爸爸會接我,我還是害怕,而再者,我忍受了一個前情人的壞脾氣,我還會為他不要生病的我而傷心難過。 我在繼續前進,離開過去發生的事情的能力真的好低。

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When I got off the train, I asked myself again and again how could he do this to me repeatedly and in the end, I sat on the floor crying uglily. I could not think logically except feeling ashamed; how could I get let down by a person who I know was not worth my tears after he had dumped me for seven months? My logic tried so hard to instruct me to stay calm and be happy instead of letting my emotions about him to take over me, but I could not. My mum ended up having to come to the station to pick me up and I just felt more and more depressed by my ugly behaviour in public.

當我下火車後,我一次又一次地問自己,他怎麼能這樣對我,我最後坐在地板上醜陋地哭泣。 我不能邏輯地思考,感到好羞愧; 我怎麼能讓一個丟了我已七個月的人心痛,明知不值得,我還是淚流滿面呢? 我的邏輯努力地指示我保持冷靜和要快樂,不要讓我對他的情感駕馭我,但我又做不到。 我的媽媽最後不得不來到車站接我,由於我在公眾地方的醜陋行為,我只是感到越來越鬱悶。

 

I asked my Mum the stupid question whether she found me disgraceful for crying madly in public and she honestly said yes. The night after, I asked another stupid question whether she was not happy to be my listener and she said yes because I was telling her negative things. I decide that I will try my best to keep my negativity away from her. I also try to talk to friends less these days unless they approach me first; I am scared that I bring around negativity in the air.

我問我媽媽一個愚蠢的問題,問她會否覺得自己因為我於公共場合瘋狂地哭泣而感到蒙羞呢,她誠實地說是會的。 隔日晚上,我問另一個愚蠢的問題,問她是否不想做我的聆聽者,她說是的,因為我告訴她的東西都是負面的。 我決定盡我所能讓我的負面情緒遠離她。 我也試著不去和朋友聊天,除非他們先找我; 我害怕我在空氣中帶來負面情緒。

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I guess now by talking about how ugly I had been in public, I am at least honest to myself that I accept this side of me, and admit again that I am mentally ill in spite of the possible discrimination to come. I would also admit that it was just one day after my crying-in-public incident that I cried myself to bed, fell asleep till I felt drowsy from crying.

我想在這裡談論我在公共場合有多麼醜陋,我至少誠實地對自己說,我接受這樣的我。儘管可能會被歧視,我再次承認我有精神病。我也會承認只是在那在公共場合哭泣的事後的一天,我哭到自己睡著,哭到頭暈了就睡着了。

 

My behaviour pointed out beyond my inability to move on from a breakup, but about my inability to let my logic come before my emotions so as to stay calm before I cry in public. I doubt that I would be able to return to my studies in time by January. After another long talk with my psychiatrist, he said it’s my call, my decision. All right, let me re-consider it then.

我的行為指出,除了我無法從失戀裏走出來,其實是我無法讓我的邏輯走在我的情緒前去保持冷靜,免得在公共場合哭泣。 我懷疑我能否在一月份及時再上學去。 與我的精神病醫生進行了長時間的談話後,他說這是我的決定。 好吧,讓我重新考慮吧。

 

❤ Lala

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