I want to be an independent and strong-minded person, and even I was feeling empty inside to an extent that I thought I was so overwhelmed with loneliness in the past, I never dared to voice out loudly to my parents that I would want to quit my boarding house life. Those years at university were rather OK and I did not really reject or hate to live on my own, because I had freedom such as I could go out and come back to the accommodation at anytime; that period was quite all right. In fact, I did choose to hide my feelings and my intention about leaving the U.K. when I was at high school, because I was so afraid that others would think of me as a loser who could not get used to living in the U.K if I really left the country, and thus I would not be able to be the person that I wanted to be, the so called ‘independent and strong-minded person’. So I do have to take some responsibilities for having created those misunderstandings between me and my parents, and they played their part to have believed in the idea that they had fulfilled the tasks of being good parents by spending loads of money to put me to study overseas (they did this out of good intention, I could not really get mad at them……); my stupidity and self-torturing personality made me think that by staying alone in the U.K. to get good grades to get a degree in the end was the key to become an ‘independent and strong-minded person’. Bullsh*t! I just can’t help but to tell myself off. After all, a degree and some academic knowledge don’t mean much! I was just too stupid, as these things don’t follow me to heaven when I die.
To be independent really just means being able to live my daily life alone, and it in no way points to directing myself to have forced myself to be a boarder. Being strong minded doesn’t mean one is forbidden from crying, even though crying is very tiring, and yet I have always treated running in tears as an insult to myself. Moreover I feel that I am a loser who gives up half way if I don’t complete my master.I recently have finally come to learn that the truth about being strong-minded is about being able to let go, to stop doing what is not suitable for myself and to face myself with courage, just like I could face myself as a mentally-ill person who is waiting to be fully recovered. So I reflected and I found out that even though I could not say that I am very suitable to study that master degree, but I really want to get it, hoping that it proves my hard work, and tell myself that I am a master grad and I manage to get to this level. This time I shall not use a degree or academic knowledge to asses my self-value like before; a person’s value is way beyond these worldly conditions. I don’t need to prove that I am ‘independent’ by living on my own again next year, for I have always had this ability to deal with my everyday life on my own anyways. I will be ‘strong-minded’, for when I feel lonely by myself, I will first remind my self that my God is always with me, and if I come to have a relapse then I will give up on my studies and call my mum to take me back home. I didn’t know that being able to make a decision at the right moment is a way to be ‘strong-minded’ till today.
How regrettable, why had I forced myself to live in a way that I didn’t like in the past and didn’t insist on requesting my parents to let me go home? I could have been happy, what a shame. Oh and last time I talked about I had an emotional breakdown right? Actually it was a random comment by my mum which touched the wound in my heart, and I took what she said personally when I shouldn’t have. Mum just made a one-sentence comment about a writer who talked about how living a single life all by himself made him feel lonely, and then mum graded him as someone of a low level intellectually, and I was hurt. I had been very lonely all these years by myself, in addition to this I also get another kind of loneliness after I was dumped in a relationship, I feel that I can soon burst into tears just by talking about this feeling. It is apparent that I have friends and families, and despite the numberless conflicts I had with my parents, they were the one who stayed right next to me at the most critical times! I am just not used to believe in people and it is me who leave myself feeling lonely, and I take my mum’s comment as a comment made about me, me being an intellectually low graded person. My mum would have never expected me to think like this and she was left with no more words to say to me, and I felt bad for having thought this way too. Once I hear words and comments that I concern about, my heart immediately turns into breakable glass; I just have to remind myself that I cannot possibly please everyone, including mum; we were born of different generations so it just makes sense we think differently.
From today, I better learn about my personality in depth, and that is to admit all my shortcomings, instead of pretending that I can handle everything. Yes, I am such a cry baby and I really long for love, I want the triple package: friendship, familial love, romance. By the way I always like to fake that I am so strong that I blame myself each time I cry. I think what I can do is that if the circumstance allows then I can cry as I wish, and if it is not the right place and time to cry then I can bear till it is Ok to cry, and then to cry as much as I want to. I already have the love from my parents and good friends, I cannot demand that I must also be given romance too, for I can’t have everything. I need to also know that even I study loads and become a lawyer one day, it dose not mean that I will then become a better person. In others’ eyes, they will only think that I am a girl who is good at studying and supposedly I can earn more money, but really the truth is that in today’s society of Hong Kong, I guess this belief no longer applies. The most important thing is to discard my liking of torturing my own mental well-being.
Although I would rather not have mental problems, but in a way they do bring about some benefits. From my own volunteering experiences or what things about I heard about people or incidents through people I come across in my volunteering work, I know that I am obliged to volunteer because some people lives a more difficult life than me. Now I have a much better mental state, I need to give my heart to help the others, and don’t just do my work for the sake of it like those social workers who skive off from work, even criticising those targeted persons of whom they have to offer help to. Well, I do know that to some extent everyone skives when they’re at work, but I just hope that the social welfare sector can show a little more concern. This is because those with emotional problems tend to thirst for love more than the others, so do I, so are those ’emotional’ kids that I met. To compare them to those kids who go to my English classes, they want more attention by using illogical way to throw temper tantrums, since they are scared of not being loved or they want to be loved every second. Some adults with emotional problems are similar. Sometimes the newspapers report that some could not accept that they were dumped by their lovers gave their ex-lovers violent revenges, and if we think carefully, this is a result of a thirst of love finding its way up in an unreasonable method.