Mastermind

Please wait 請你等待

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I was watching a very cheesy drama on TV at night when I came back from my volunteering work. Even though anyone would have laughed at the cliché storyline, the part where the main actress was seeking suicide and after that every other actors cry madly for her pathetic death made me think of myself. Then, I immediately thought about how much I would have hurt people who care about me if I had really successfully killed myself.

有天晚上,當我義工的工作結束回家以後,我在電視上看著一個非常狗血的電視戲。 即使任何人都會對故事情節嘲笑一番,但女主角自殺的部分,再跟著看下去看到每個其他演員要演好一個瘋狂地為她那可悲的死亡的部分,我想起我自己。 我立即想到,如果我以前真的成功殺死了自己,我可會讓那些關心我的人帶來好大的傷害。

 

I came to remember about a fortnight ago when I was in the consulting room seeing my psychiatrist. I told him that I did not want to die, as I had already come to understand that there are many things that I can do in life, but just that a had an unresolved issue made me feel that I had no choice other than suicide; I was too afraid if the issue would result in to the worst it can get and at the same time, I felt like I had been letting myself down by behaving insensibly to have arrived at such situation. The psychiatrist prescribed me with some meds and suggested ways to sort out my issue and the feelings that derived from it. I was fortunate. I convinced myself that I would not go back to think about suicide even if the worst of the worst really happened, and in the end, it turned out the unresolved issue was easily solved.

我想起約兩個星期前,我去看我的精神病醫生,坐在他的診症室裡。我告訴他,我不想死,因為我已經明白,在生活中我可以有許多事情做,但只是一個我沒法解決的問題,使我覺得除了自殺,我別無選擇; 我好害怕,如果這個問題會真的得出最糟糕的結果,而在同一時間,我覺得我一直讓自己失望,沒有理智的自我行為使我自己走到這樣的情況。 精神科醫生給我一些藥物,並提出一些解決我的問題和因為這個問題所得到的感覺的解決方法。 我很幸運。 我說服自己,即使最糟糕最糟糕的事情最後真的發生了,我也不會回再考慮自殺,而最終,結果那本來未解決的問題很容易地解決了。

 

I have always known that my death would bring great agony to anyone who loves me, but  I still longed for suicide in the past because I thought they would move on in the end anyways, which in other words means that I better not stayed alive to exist as a burden for them. Now I understand that this mindset is totally wrong. Like I recently wrote about how I tell myself that there are better things to do, I really have many things to do on Earth, and I don’t think my life ending at this moment shall do any good. No good to me, and no good to people who care about me.

我一直知道我的死亡會給任何愛我的人帶來巨大的痛苦,但過去的我仍然渴望自殺,因為我認為他們能過渡的。換句話說,我最好不要活著去作為他們的負擔。 現在我明白這種心態是完全錯誤的。 就像我最近寫關於我如何告訴自己有更好的事情要做,我在地球上真的有很多事情要做,所以我不認為我的生活在這一刻結束將帶來任何好處。 對我沒有好處,對那些關心我的人也沒有好處。

 

Earlier this week, I actually had an episodic emotional breakdown again. It was quite shameful as I did something quite silly and stupid, but I did not go back to suicidal thought, which was quite a blessing. When I calmed down later on that day, I recalled those who offered me help to take care of me in different ways in this year knowing that I suffer from depression. Their effort spent on me should not be wasted, and I know by now who are the friends that I can rely on too, as they helped me when I was so mentally ill. Just like in the cheesy drama that I watched where it depicted the family members and friends were so upset by the fact that the main character in the storyline killed herself, how could I do this to my family and friends?

本週早些時候,我實際上有一次情緒失控了。 其實還真挺羞愧,因為我做了一些相當儍和愚蠢的事,但我沒有回到自殺的想法,那以是一個祝福了吧。 當我在那天晚些的平靜下來後,我回憶起那些因為知道我患了抑鬱症,在今年以不同的方式幫助我照顧我的人。 他們花在我身上的努力不應該被浪費,而我現在知道也誰是我可以依靠的朋友,因為他們在我精神病上給予我幫助。 就像我看的那部電視劇裏的演員們都以家庭成員和朋友的身份在故事情節裡,因為主角殺了自己感到非常悲傷,我怎麼能這樣對我的家人和朋友?

 

I’m glad that the me of today know that people who care about me do not want to give up on me, especially with my family witnessing my breakdowns again and again. They still have not kicked me out of home and by all means, it is clear that they really want me to get better. They have been waiting for me to get rid of my suicidal thoughts and I have achieved this! Surely they are now waiting for my full recovery.

我很高興今天的我知道,關心我的人不想放棄我,特別是一次又一次目睹我失控的家人。 他們還沒有把我踢出家,而其實很顯然,他們真的希望我可以好起來。 他們一直在等我擺脫我的自殺想法,我已經做到了! 當然,他們現在正在等待我一切都康復。

 

I know the society is still a bit resistant against mentally ill persons, when illnesses like depression are actually quite common already. When I first meet a new person, I will not tell them I suffer from depression unless they find out through my social networking pages, or later on they get into more personal relationships with me. From time to time, I still think about why some persons have turned away from me and still decide to stay away from me till this present day; they could have get in touch with me again and I want to get them to witness that I am much better now and have a good look at me, but they still decide not to do so. I used to be filled with a mixed sense of sadness and anger when I think about this, but I am beginning to move on and switch to understand why.

就算像抑鬱症這樣的疾病實際上已經很普遍了,我知道社會對精神病患者仍有一定的抵拒。 當我第一次去認識一個人的時候,我不會告訴他們我患有抑鬱症,除非他們通過我的社交網絡頁面找到,或後來他們與我建立更多的個人關係。 不時,我仍然想到為什麼有些人嫌棄我,直到今天都要遠離我; 他們可以再次與我聯繫的,我想讓他們目睹我現在好多了,好好看看我,但他們仍然決定不會這樣做。 當我想到這一點時,我曾經充滿了悲傷和憤怒的混合感覺,但我開始想向將來想,而轉向了去想他們這樣做的原因。

 

I may be scary, or I may be both scary and annoying for them and I can’t force people to like me. So I had some time even find myself scary so what I did was to avoid looking at myself in the mirror; apparently I didn’t like myself, and I really hated my physical appearance. After a few months, I have now decided to ignore the judgment on me made out of people who I know that they don’t love me. Actually I have begun to get active on Instagram as a place to start. People may scroll down the app and feel that they don’t want to see my face or things that I post, then it would be their freedom to unfollow me. In real life, let’s become strangers as if we have never come across each other in our lives then. I can’t please everyone.

我可能是可怕的,或者我可能是又可怕又麻煩,而我不能強迫人們喜歡我。 我也有一些時間覺得自己可怕,所以我避免在鏡子裡看自己; 顯然我不喜歡自己,我真的很討厭我的外貌。現在經過了幾個月了,我決定無視那些我知道他們不愛我的人對我說做出的判斷。 事實上,我選了active地使用Instagram作為一個開始的地方。 人們可能向下滾動Ig這個app,覺得他們不想看到我的臉或我發怖的東西,那麼他們使用自己的自由去取消關注我就好了。 在現實生活中,讓我們成為陌生人吧,就好像我們從來沒有在我們的生活中遇到過對方。 我滿足不了所有人。

 

During the worst months of mine, I had been extremely negative that I now know it was truly very tiring for anyone to deal with me, since from them a high level of patience and love would be required for that period of time, which was not short. For crying too much, moaning too much, making too many suicidal attempts, doing too many crazy things, I have become too annoying to be taken care of. I know people with bodily illnesses could still make their best effort to tell themselves and people around them that they would stay hopeful to get healed, but with me, people just could not even get one positive thing out of my mouth, for what I got is called depression.

在我最糟糕的幾個月,我一直非常消極,所以我現在知道,任何人面對我都非常累,因為他們要有好多的耐心和愛才可照顧我下去,而這時段不短。 對於我哭泣太多,抱怨太多,做太多自殺的事,做太多瘋狂的事,我已經變得太煩人了,別人也不想照顧我了。 我知道身體上有疾病的人仍然可以盡力告訴自己和他們周圍的人,他們能保持希望會痊癒,但是我的話就使人們從我的嘴裡聽到一句積極的話語也沒機會,因為我得到的病就如它名字表達的,稱為抑鬱症。

 

I cannot deny that I was annoying, but I still feel sad that I was turned away when there was the alternative to wait for me to survive till today, and to see me in a much better condition now. Not loving me enough, that’s the true reason why I was turned away and the alternative to wait for my recovery was not chosen, but at least, now I understand that waiting for me to reach to today’s state is not easy.  After all, how can I make a person to give me so much love except from my parents? As I was so annoying, I am extra-thankful and more than grateful to those who have not turned away from me; thank you that I have these people who love me.

我不能否認我很討厭,但我仍然對自己被嫌棄感到難過,因為不是有另一種選擇,就是等待我生存到今天,並看到我現在已於更好的狀況了嗎? 不夠愛我,這就是我被嫌棄和沒去等待我康復的真正原因,但至少,現在我明白,要去等待我走到今天的狀態是不容易的。 畢竟除了我的父母,我怎麼能要求一個人給我這麼多的愛? 因為我以前很討厭,我特別感激和更感謝那些沒有離開我的人; 謝謝你們愛我。

 

Guess what? I have been coughing for almost two weeks, but I am happily typing this post, for the fact that I can now affirm to myself that my mental health is getting back on track, despite some sudden ups and downs.

其實我一直咳嗽了兩個星期,但我卻很高興地在寫這帖文呢,因為我現在可以向自己確認,儘管心情還是會有一些突然的起起伏伏,我的心理健康正在恢復正常的軌道上了。

 

There is just this one last thing I will talk about in this post. I remember my psychiatrist once told me that actually some mentally sick patients are not as ill to the extent that they have to live in the well-known psychiatric hospital in Hong Kong. They could have lived at home and just see a psychiatrist on a regular basis for their treatment, provided that they are watched over at home as to be protected from doing crazy acts. It turns out I am among the lucky ones who had the luck to be watched over by my family.

最後我想在這篇帖文談多一個感受。 我記得我的精神科醫生曾經告訴我,一些精神病患者的病的程度未有深度要有需要入住在香港著名的精神病醫院。 他們可以住在家裡,定期看精神科醫生去得到治療就可,但前提在於他們要有人在家看顧著他們,保護他們不去做些瘋狂的事。 我原来是與幸運的人中呢,因為我有幸被我的家人看顧。

 

If you have a loved one having mental problems and you have the time to watch over him, please do so rather than leaving him all alone in a hospital. On top of that, please bear with his crazy temper and behaviour which may last for a long period of time, and wait for his recovery. He may annoy you to the extent that you just want to punch him into his face, give up on him, or to have given you the pressure by forcing you to witness him going all mental. However, if you could just bear with him and stay to give your support, I assure you that he will really get better and better eventually. I am the living example and the living evidence for this claim, Haha. Although I still shed tears and burst into some emotional scenes, I manage to carry on with many different activities in daily life, basically with stuff to do everyday and no difference than anyone else in general. Yet I get anxious easily and my hands can keep shaking.

如果你有身邊有一個你愛的人有精神問題,有時間的話就請你務必看顧他,而不是把他獨自一人留在醫院裏住著。除此之外,請忍受他瘋狂的脾氣和行為,就算可能持續很長的一段時間也好,等待他恢復吧。他可能會惹惱你,你可能會想一拳打到他臉上或放棄他,又或看著他的你因要常常見證他發瘋,讓你背負着壓力。但是,如果你能給予他忍耐並留下來給予你的支持,我向你保證,他最終會真的好起來。我就是這個舉證的活例子和活證據,哈哈。雖然我仍然會流淚和制造一些情緒不好色場面,我仍可在日常生活中做好多不同的活動,基本上每天也有可做的東西,一般来说和任何人沒有甚麼區別。但我很容易焦慮,我的手可以老是顫抖。

 

I think I have nothing more to say than to say, please wait; please wait with your patience to love and care about the mentally unwell buddy that you know of.

我想我沒有什麼別的想說了,但是,請你等待; 請你以耐心等待,去愛和關心你認識的那位在精神上生病了的伙伴。

❤ Lala

 

 

 

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