*Before I begin, I wanna stress that I do not intend to offend any male readers in writing this post, please do not take what I write here personally. I am not trying to advocate or bring up any specific feminist goals either. 在我開始之前，我想強調，我不打算冒犯任何閱讀這篇帖文的男性讀者，請不要採取我在這裡寫的人們對號入座的態度。 我也不是想提倡或提出任何具體的女權主義目標。
OK, so originally, this post was named as ‘Girls’ survival talk on love’, and I was just gonna let the stress out about how I feel as I still have a broken heart when it comes to romantic relationships. Yet after a not particularly good fortnight, I nonetheless feel a new sense of blessing. I have an enlightened moment that made me realise there are better things to do.
When it comes to love and guys, there are many negative experiences of girls that I have been hearing about. I think I could feel what they feel even though I have never ever experienced what they had experienced. A ruined romantic relationship undoubtedly affects mental health. From my family, friends, colleagues, I have been hearing many personal experiences where many girls who used to be in romantic relationships with guys, despite having been in their relationships for a long long time already, got betrayed, got cheated and so on. When these experiences were narrated to me, I thought, my future would also become like theirs somehow, and together we form into a group of unfortunate women or something similar to that.
當談到愛情和男生們，我曾經聽到許多女孩的負面經歷。雖然我從來沒有經歷過他們經歷過的，我想我還是可以感覺到他們所感受的。 當一段愛情關係不再存在，無疑會帶來影響精神健康的後果。 從我的家人，朋友，同事，我已經聽到很多女孩們的個人經驗，她們曾經在和男生談戀愛，儘管已經維持了很長時間的愛侶關係，她們終究被背叛，被騙等等。 當她們給我描述這些經歷的時候，我想，我的未來也會變成她們的一樣吧，我們會一起變成一群不幸的婦女或一起變成都不會是正面的群體吧。
In fact, a family member of mine discovered herself being cheated, I guess by now she has come through. She told me that at first, she had to go to the doctor who prescribed her with sleeping pills. A friend of her took her to church hoping to cheer her up (perhaps both to know the religion and to know new people), but instead, she asked, why God did this to her. She has not been back to church again, at least not that I am aware of. There are many more sad stories like this, and even more appalling that I want to cry for what I have heard.
事實上，我有一個家庭成員，發現了自己在愛情上被欺騙了，不過我想現在的她已經過渡了不快的日子。 她告訴我，起初，她不得不去看醫生，要去服用安眠藥。 她的一個朋友帶她去教堂，希望能使她高興點（也許也想她認識一下該宗教和認識新的人吧），但她卻問，為什麼上帝對她做了這件事。 據我所知道的，她好像沒有再回到教會去了。 還有更多的悲傷的故事，像這樣的，或是更令人震驚的，我聽著聽著，其實想為我所聽到的一切流淚。
To be honest, I don’t wanna lose hope in romance and yet I find romance scary. In the end, instead of talking about love, I think it comes down to my lack of confidence. In my mind, I have a fixed mindset that I don’t deserve to be loved, and over this fortnight, in a few midnights, I asked my mum again and again in tears if she would abandon me or not. I have no confidence in my physical appearance, my intelligence, and as a whole I think I am very very unattractive. I see my mental condition making me unattractive.
說實話，我不想對愛情完全失去的希望，但我發現它的可怕之處。 最後，我發現不是應該討論愛情，而是了解我自己老是缺乏信心。 在我看來，我有一個固有的心態，就是我不應該被愛，以在這兩個星期，有幾晚零晨時份，我流著淚問我的媽媽，一次又一次，她會不會遺棄我。 我對我的外表，我的聰明才智通通都沒有信心，整體上我就覺得我很不吸引。 我也覺得我的精神問題使我沒有吸引力。
In front of my parents, I lack sufficient courage to admit that my past relationship made me feeling so ruined and damaged, and I forced myself so hard to get over it. I keep having nightmares or silly thoughts. I am ashamed of myself. In my rulebook of life where I set myself the rules to abide to for living my life, I have ordered myself since a young age that a strong and bright girl should not ever allow her mind linger on things like a past relationship, but focuses on other more practical things, such as studies, earning money, whatever that sounds meaningful and practical in the society.
在我父母面前，我缺乏足夠的勇氣去承認我對已過去的那段愛情關係感到非常崩潰，我強迫自己去努力地克服它。 我一直有惡夢或不理智的想法。 我對自己感到羞恥。 在我的生活規則中，我設定了我自己應遵守的生活的規則，那就是，打從年輕的時候，我強烈要求作為一個堅強和聰明的女孩，就不應該允許自己的腦袋停留在上像過去了的關係，但要重視其他更實際的東西，例如念書，賺錢，任何在社會上聽起來是更有意義和實際的東西。
I remember a close friend of mine once said to me, a girl would be merrier to have a husband and kid(s) than to have so many academic certificates thus become a very career-focused woman. Perhaps my friend is right, and I don’t want to say that women shall focus on their job over their families, it is that individual woman’s choice after all. I just need to buy some more time to move on from my past relationship, and recently I read a good book which talks about it.
我記得我一個親密的朋友曾經對我說過，一個女孩有一個丈夫和孩子會比擁有好多的學歷證書而因此成為一個非常專業的女人幸福。 也許我的朋友是對的，我也不想說，女人應該專注於他們的工作多於她們的家庭，這畢竟是每個女人的個人選擇。 我只需要花更多的時間從我過去的關係走出來就是了，而我最近讀了一本好書。
So about the book I read. A girl who was so torn apart, that pain of being dumped by the man she loves. She said to a wise man about how much she still hates the guy as she loved him so much. The wise man asked her to imagine herself to keep on hating him for another 20 years. 20 years later, the guy will find out about it this. The wise man told her to think who would be the ultimate loser. Sadly, the girl would be. This is because the girl devotes herself to pay so much attention and spend so much time to hate! So the girl asked the wise man how could she not hate this guy, and the wise man told her to remember that the opposite of ‘love’ is not ‘hate’, but it is ‘not loving’. Ah, so it is about practicing not to love someone, or in other words, not to care anything that is related to someone who doesn’t deserve your attention. Whether the guy becomes doomed or becomes a billionaire, the girl shall win by feeling that this guy is a nobody but a stranger, and there will be no hatred but peace in her heart.
I have begun to wonder maybe my attractiveness is not that low, to think about how to control my anxiety such as hands-shaking, stomachache, headache, a sudden moment of blackout at stressful times, besides the building up of my self-confidence. Then I find reading something encouraging helps. Recommended by a friend, I am reading this French novel named ‘Comment survivre quand on est une fille’, which means ‘how to survive as a girl’ (plus I get to make sure that I refresh my memories on this crazily difficult language). The book just teaches people to think all things in live simpler. For me, I just remind myself that when things don’t turn out well in a girl’s life, those bad guys always leave, good guys stay.
我開始懷疑，也許我的吸引力不是那麼低，就想想如何控制我的焦慮症，如手震，胃頭，頭痛，在緊張的時刻突然眼前一黑，還要建立我的自信。 然後我發現閱讀一些鼓勵性的書籍可以有幫助。 朋友推薦的，我在讀這本法國小說叫做 「Comment survivre quand on est une fille」，意思是女孩子要如何生存（加上我也可好好喚起對這個瘋狂級困難的語言的回憶了） 。 這書只是教人們去感覺到生活中的一切可以變簡單。 對我來說，我只是提醒自己，當女孩的生活不佳時，那些壞的男生總是會離開的，好的就會留下來。
The 28th October, I went to my usual volunteering with the little kids, then a meeting at night for an organisation which works on anti-sexual harassment against women. First, I was disappointed with the social workers in the way that they were not so bother to interact with these kids who have mental problems like me; maybe they just don’t understand ‘us’. I feel blessed that it is through me having experienced mental hardship so even these kids cannot express themselves in words like I do, I could feel them and we could have interaction. I am still very happy that they seem to get very jolly as I bought them sweets as Halloween is approaching, and a few of them would come up to hug me or pull me towards them.
10月28日，我又去做義工了。先去接觸小孩子，然後在晚上去一個組織的會議，是一個有關於反對對婦女進行性騷擾的組織。 首先，我對社工們感到好失望，因為他們沒有心去和像這些被精神困擾的孩子互動; 也許他們只是不明白「我們」。 我感到幸福，原來通過我有精神困苦的經驗，所以即使這些孩子不能像我這樣用說話好好表達自己，我可以感覺到他們，我們可以有互動。萬聖節即將到來，我就給他們買了糖果，他們似乎很高興，我也很高興，而其中一些孩子會來擁抱我或拉我到自己身旁。
What I do at night is not a about emphasising feminism, because anti-sexual harassment is a different thing, and there is often so little that women can do about it. It upsets me when I hear women just bear with that mental and physical harm done to them by men(or by women on women). I remember myself just by taking London underground in peak hours, I was molested for three times by strangers for maybe one to two seconds, and there was nothing that I could do about it; maybe I could have grabbed on the man’s arm tight and called the police, but on what grounds could I establish my claims than to get them dismissed as normal social contact in the crowd? My close friend told me to stop wearing skirts but jeans, but is this fair? This kind of things happen everyday, I am glad that now I am mentally sound enough to even take on one more volunteering job.
我在晚上做的義工不是強調女性主義，因為反性騷擾是一個不同的事情，而且女性通常很少可以對性騷擾做些甚麼抗議。 當我聽到男人對女人（或女人對女人）所造成的精神和身體傷害時，這使我感到好困擾。 我記得自己只是在繁忙時段乘坐倫敦地鐵，我也被陌生人性騷擾了三次，一到兩秒，我也沒有什麼可以做的; 也許我可以緊緊地抓住男人的手臂然後找警察，但根據什麼理由我可以建立我的控訴，而不是讓他們被解釋為於人群中的正常社會接觸呢？ 我的好朋友告訴我停止穿裙子，穿牛仔褲，但這公平嗎？ 這種事情在每一天都發生，我很高興現在的我情緒不成問題，甚至可以多參與一個志願工作。
Basically I just know that since I still have a properly functional brain, I therefore have better things to do. My brain enables me to think about how to contribute myself to help others, to work, to exercise, to have fun, to even try to be part of a community again. From refusing to leave my home, to just seeing my close friends, to communicate with different people at work, to making new friends, , maybe later I may find it OK to even take a role in a big community, like I used to be part of different societies at university and be part of a church. I wonder when will I be OK to bring back the courage to speak in front of a crowd. Exercising, shopping, playing video games, cinema trips… all these things are also better things to do than for me to pay attention to bad guys. Call it confidence or positivity, I guess that’s what I need now.
基本上我只知道，因為我還有一個正常功能的大腦，因此我有更好的事情要做。 我的大腦讓我思考如何貢獻自己來幫助別人，上班，做運動，去享受娛樂，甚至試圖再次成為一個群體的一部分。 從拒絕離開我的家，到只願意見我親密的朋友，到可去上班和不同的人溝通，再結交新朋友，也許以後我可能會發現我甚至可以在一個大社區中有我所屬的一個角色，像我以前是大學裡不同的社團的成員，和是教會的一個成員。 我不知道什麼時候能夠會找回在眾人面前說話的勇氣。做運動，購物，玩視頻遊戲，看電影…所有這些事情也是更好的事情，一定比我去關注壞男生好。稱之為信心或正面思想，我想這就是我現在需要的。