I feel a little sentimental these days I guess; I don’t feel furious or annoyed. I feel light and calm in my heart, and I can feel blessed. Yet at the same time, I want to prepare for the worst. The worst I mean, just in case I die in the next second. I never know when I will die, no one knows when they will die too.
There are things I want to do on this Earth, of course. I tried to schedule my time, postulating how to make it possible to succeed my future career path, and as a result, I got extremely anxious. I remember anxiety as a mental problem has stopped affecting me for quite some time, but recently, once I think about things that are related to studies or work, it comes back to visit me. Automatically, my palms, my feet, my armpits would always be the first three body parts which start to produce sweat, and worse, I could go into a blackout condition and collapse on the floor within a split second according to my past experiences. I also remember I used to be over-sensitive to noise and to darkness, so an experience of being in a cinema was once so daunting and haunted. I have to go back to narrate that there was this one time, by chance, a little kid sitting just right behind me in the cinema kicked my chair. This almost made me scream in the cinema and so to resist screaming, I sweated so badly with my heart palpitating crazily – this is an incident of around March or April time.
當然，在這個地球上，我有我想做的事情的。我試圖安排我的時間，推想如何使自己有可能實踐未來的職業道路，因此，我非常焦慮。我有焦慮症這個心理問題，但已經很久都再沒影響我了。最近，有一次我思考涉及到學習或工作的事情，它竟回來探望我了。自動地，我的手心，我的腳，我的腋下往往是首三個身體部位開始產生緊張的汗水，更糟的是，我可以進入一個眼前一黑的狀態，根據我以往的經驗，也有可能突然暈倒在地上的情況。我還記得我曾經對於噪音和黑暗過度敏感，就以電影院作為一個例子來說，電影院可一度讓我感到鉅怕。我要回去講述有一次去電影院，一個偶然的機會，一個坐在我身後的小孩踢我的椅子，這幾乎讓我在電影院要忍不住的尖叫起來。為抵抗尖叫，我手心狂流汗，心跳瘋狂的過快 – 這是大約三，四月時的事件了。
I like to train myself to appreciate natural and simple things, to apprehend how all things are bright and beautiful. I could have managed to end my life when I was still in London in January and early February time this year, before my mum’s arrival to London to get me back to Hong Kong, of which I had already talked about in those earlier posts of my blog. This week, I just suddenly came to remember there was this trivial conversation between my friend and I on Whatsapp, on the day I was to take the flight back to Hong Kong. Being inside the Uber car which took me to the airport, I looked at the white clouds and the light blue sky, the sun beaming, what an ordinary afternoon. I whatsapped my friend, I said to her that I must be so blessed because I got see the white clouds and the light blue sky; she answered me that if I felt that seeing such kind of ordinary nature as a blessing, I must be a happy person who can feel satisfied easily, and all things would be OK for me.
One winter afternoon in London, I knew I was already developing my mental problems, although at the time I had chosen not to face my sickness. It was so cold, I was wearing my scarf, feeling in danger everywhere I went as I was just walking in the neighbourhood area. Then, I was suddenly enlightened by a squirrel. It sprinted out and ran way quickly, and I claimed to myself for this cutie that I got to meet on a freezing day. It was unusual to see a squirrel in that neighbourhood full of shopping centres, people, and transports. I was in London, but I would not forget how I enjoyed the relatively high frequency of seeing squirrels as I walked to school from my boarding house as a high school student under the age of 16, those days spent in a much less developed city in the U.K.
Yeah, so why am I suddenly talking about the nature? Then I had to talk about how I saw two cats sitting lazily at the entrance of a small stall just this week. I discovered them as I would anyways walk past this small stall each time after work. They looked so cute and with the encouragement of the stall owner who could read my desire of stroking them from my face, I played with one of the cats for a little while. I love going to zoos too, by the way. Thanks to those cats, I recall things like clouds or squirrels I saw in my past; I do have things that I should feel thankful about in my past, right?
I did mention before that all of my students are below the age of secondary school and some are just of kindergarten age. They can be noisy, they can be naughty, but yet, they can be cute, and most importantly, they are true in their actions and words. One student who dislikes me just directly spoke to me upfront saying that he hates me, whilst a few little girls who like me will always smile and call out my name sweetly. They can be cunning even at such a young age, but sometimes they are just so hilarious and almost humorous in my eyes as they try so hard to pretend to speak like adults. Some students could really give me headache, but after all, they are just kids, so true in their actions and words, I can let my guard down in front of them. What I am trying to say is, despite those mental problems I have, things are still not so bad in life, right?
My mind is not so organised as I type this post. I am getting better and better, is this correct? But what if…I ask, what if something happens and then I die tomorrow, or I die in just the next second? So this week I also tried hard to give a more memorable celebration for my mum’s birthday. Why? Because I might not be on this Earth anymore next year this time. Don’t ask me why, anyways, I just have this sixth sense, and this sixth sense is so strong like a force that is trapping me, then dragging me, and at last, sucking me to feel this way.
I heard stories of people who could just suddenly stop taking anti-depressants but were recovered nonetheless. I am distrusting and questioning my medical treatment again. Why can’t I just be one of them? If I can do the same, that proves that I have a strong mind and save up the expensive medical fees right?
I am feeling calm even I was diagnosed with bipolar. I have had enough good memories gained being on this Earth, so I feel that I am prepared for a sudden moment to get myself into a grave. Then I had this night where I watched a drama which has the background of mentally ill people being killers. I don’t feel like killing people, I have never wanted to kill anyone, but it ignites my desire to kill myself again. After that, I could not stop myself from crying, from having an emotional breakdown again. I am scared of myself, I don’t like myself: I always have suicidal thoughts, so I am tired and exhausted. Every time I hear negative experiences of people that I know, I wanna cry for them. I think about myself, then I cry harder. I am just extremely tired, that’s all.