Mastermind

I am just tired 我只是累了

I feel a little sentimental these days I guess; I don’t feel furious or annoyed. I feel light and calm in my heart, and I can feel blessed. Yet at the same time, I want to prepare for the worst. The worst I mean, just in case I die in the next second. I never know when I will die, no one knows when they will die too.

這些天,我猜,我有點太多愁善感; 我不覺得憤怒或煩躁。我覺得心裏輕盈和平靜,我能覺得幸福。然而,在同一時間,我想做好最壞的打算。最壞的打算的意思是,萬一我在下一秒就死了。我是不可能知道我什麼時候會死,沒有人知道他們何時會死的。

sweat_tiredathlete

 

There are things I want to do on this Earth, of course. I tried to schedule my time, postulating how to make it possible to succeed my future career path, and as a result, I got extremely anxious. I remember anxiety as a mental problem has stopped affecting me for quite some time, but recently, once I think about things that are related to studies or work, it comes back to visit me. Automatically, my palms, my feet, my armpits would always be the first three body parts which start to produce sweat, and worse, I could go into a blackout condition and collapse on the floor within a split second according to my past experiences. I also remember I used to be over-sensitive to noise and to darkness, so an experience of being in a cinema was once so daunting and haunted. I have to go back to narrate that there was this one time, by chance, a little kid sitting just right behind me in the cinema kicked my chair. This almost made me scream in the cinema and so to resist screaming, I sweated so badly with my heart palpitating crazily – this is an incident of around March or April time.

當然,在這個地球上,我有我想做的事情的。我試圖安排我的時間,推想如何使自己有可能實踐未來的職業道路,因此,我非常焦慮。我有焦慮症這個心理問題,但已經很久都再沒影響我了。最近,有一次我思考涉及到學習或工作的事情,它竟回來探望我了。自動地,我的手心,我的腳,我的腋下往往是首三個身體部位開始產生緊張的汗水,更糟的是,我可以進入一個眼前一黑的狀態,根據我以往的經驗,也有可能突然暈倒在地上的情況。我還記得我曾經對於噪音和黑暗過度敏感,就以電影院作為一個例子來說,電影院可一度讓我感到鉅怕。我要回去講述有一次去電影院,一個偶然的機會,一個坐在我身後的小孩踢我的椅子,這幾乎讓我在電影院要忍不住的尖叫起來。為抵抗尖叫,我手心狂流汗,心跳瘋狂的過快 – 這是大約三,四月時的事件了。

 

I like to train myself to appreciate natural and simple things, to apprehend how all things are bright and beautiful. I could have managed to end my life when I was still in London in January and early February time this year, before my mum’s arrival to London to get me back to Hong Kong, of which I had already talked about in those earlier posts of my blog. This week, I just suddenly came to remember there was this trivial conversation between my friend and I on Whatsapp, on the day I was to take the flight back to Hong Kong. Being inside the Uber car which took me to the airport, I looked at the white clouds and the light blue sky, the sun beaming, what an ordinary afternoon. I whatsapped my friend, I said to her that I must be so blessed because I got see the white clouds and the light blue sky; she answered me that if I felt that seeing such kind of ordinary nature as a blessing, I must be a happy person who can feel satisfied easily, and all things would be OK for me.

我喜歡訓練自己欣賞自然和簡單的事情,學習所有的東西都是光明和美好的。當我今年一月和二月初還在倫敦的時間,我其實應該可趕在我媽媽到達倫敦前,成功地結束自己的生命的,這些我在我博客早期的帖子都談過。這一周,我只是突然想起我的朋友和我在WhatsApp想的一個瑣碎的對話。當天我要坐飛機回港了,在Uber車去機場的路上,我看著白雲和第有陽光的藍天,太陽照耀著,是一個尋常而普通的下午。我whatsapp我的朋友。我對她說,我一定是非常幸福了,因為我看到了白雲和淺藍色的天空; 她回答我說,如果我覺得看到這自然景象是一種福氣,我一定是個容易滿足的快樂人,所有事情都會好起來的。

 

One winter afternoon in London, I knew I was already developing my mental problems, although at the time I had chosen not to face my sickness. It was so cold, I was wearing my scarf, feeling in danger everywhere I went as I was just walking in the neighbourhood area. Then, I was suddenly enlightened by a squirrel. It sprinted out and ran way quickly, and I claimed to myself for this cutie that I got to meet on a freezing day. It was unusual to see a squirrel in that neighbourhood full of shopping centres, people, and transports. I was in London, but I would not forget how I enjoyed the relatively high frequency of seeing squirrels as I walked to school from my boarding house as a high school student under the age of 16, those days spent in a much less developed city in the U.K.

在倫敦的一個冬日的下午,我知道我已經有心理問題了,不過當時的我選擇不面對我的病。當時好冷,我戴著我的圍巾,儘管我只是走在我住的社區附近,我卻覺得街上危險無處不在。然後,我突然被一隻松鼠逗得我心都微笑了。它從某地方突然衝出來,又趕緊跑掉了,好可愛,讓我在那寒冷的日子得到了滿足。在這充滿商場,人和交通工具的地方,看到松鼠不是尋常事。我當時在倫敦,但我不會忘記我以前作為一個寄宿生,因為住在一個沒那麼發達的英國城市,我總會很高興在宿舍走去學校的路上,有比較高的頻率看到松鼠,那是我還是個16歲也沒有的中學生。

 

Yeah, so why am I suddenly talking about the nature? Then I had to talk about how I saw two cats sitting lazily at the entrance of a small stall just this week. I discovered them as I would anyways walk past this small stall each time after work. They looked so cute and with the encouragement of the stall owner who could read my desire of stroking them from my face, I played with one of the cats for a little while. I love going to zoos too, by the way. Thanks to those cats, I recall things like clouds or squirrels I saw in my past; I do have things that I should feel thankful about in my past, right?

是啊,我為什麼突然說起大自然呢?我不得不說剛剛在本週,我在一間小店舖門口看到兩隻懶洋洋的貓,坐在入口處。因為我每次下班也都會路過這小店舖,也就發現了它們倆的存在。它們看起來很可愛,想必店主讀取到我臉上有著想撫摸它們的慾望吧,在她的鼓勵下,我與其中一隻貓玩了一小會兒。順便說一句,我也喜歡去動物園呢。由於這些貓,我才會想起雲呀,或松鼠這些我在過去看到的東西;我確實有於我的過去應該感到感恩的事情,對吧?

 

I did mention before that all of my students are below the age of secondary school and some are just of kindergarten age. They can be noisy, they can be naughty, but yet, they can be cute, and most importantly, they are true in their actions and words. One student who dislikes me just directly spoke to me upfront saying that he hates me, whilst a few little girls who like me will always smile and call out my name sweetly. They can be cunning even at such a young age, but sometimes they are just so hilarious and almost humorous in my eyes as they try so hard to pretend to speak like adults. Some students could really give me headache, but after all, they are just kids, so true in their actions and words, I can let my guard down in front of them. What I am trying to say is, despite those mental problems I have, things are still not so bad in life, right?

我之前提過我所有的學生都是中學生以下的歲數,有些是屬於幼兒園生的年齡。他們可以很嘈雜,他們可以調皮,不過也可以是可愛的,而最重要的是,他們在自己的言行上是出於真心的。有一個學生不喜歡我,就直接對我說他討厭我,而喜歡我的幾個小女孩,總是帶著微笑,甜甜的呼喚我的名字。他們可以在這樣小的年齡狡猾,但有時他們因為努力要裝作像大人一樣般去說話,他們就變得搞笑,在我眼睛都快變得幽默。有些學生可能真的讓我頭疼,但是畢竟,他們只是孩子,而他們的言行很真實,出於真心,我不用在他們面前架起我的防衛。我所想說的是,儘管我有精神問題上的困擾,在我的人生裡,事情仍然沒有那麼糟糕,對吧?

 

My mind is not so organised as I type this post. I am getting better and better, is this correct? But what if…I ask, what if something happens and then I die tomorrow, or I die in just the next second? So this week I also tried hard to give a more memorable celebration for my mum’s birthday. Why? Because I might not be on this Earth anymore next year this time. Don’t ask me why, anyways, I just have this sixth sense, and this sixth sense is so strong like a force that is trapping me, then dragging me, and at last, sucking me to feel this way.

我一邊寫這篇帖文,一邊知道其實我思緒不是太有組織。我的病已經越來越好,這是正確的嗎?但是,如果……我是在問,如果有什麼事情發生,然後我明天死了,或我就在下一秒就死掉呢?因此,這一周我也試著給我媽媽一個難忘的的生日慶祝。 為什麼?因為明年的這個時候,我可能不再在這個地球上了。不要問我為什麼,反正,我只是有這種第六感,這第六感是如此的強大,就像一個力量就是誘捕我,拖拉我,最後,我被吸吮於有這種感覺。

 

I heard stories of people who could just suddenly stop taking anti-depressants but were recovered nonetheless. I am distrusting and questioning my medical treatment again. Why can’t I just be one of them? If I can do the same, that proves that I have a strong mind and save up the expensive medical fees right?

我聽說有些人突然停止服用抗抑鬱藥,但仍然康復了。我再次不信任和質疑我接受的醫治。為什麼我不能是那些人的其中之一呢?如果我能做到跟他們一樣的話,那就能證明我有一個堅強的意志,和節省了昂貴的醫療費吧?

 

Tired businesswoman sitting at the table and covering her face in office

I am feeling calm even I was diagnosed with bipolar. I have had enough good memories gained being on this Earth, so I feel that I am prepared for a sudden moment to get myself into a grave. Then I had this night where I watched a drama which has the background of mentally ill people being killers. I don’t feel like killing people, I have never wanted to kill anyone, but it ignites my desire to kill myself again. After that, I could not stop myself from crying, from having an emotional breakdown again. I am scared of myself, I don’t like myself: I always have suicidal thoughts, so I am tired and exhausted. Every time I hear negative experiences of people that I know, I wanna cry for them. I think about myself, then I cry harder. I am just extremely tired, that’s all.

雖然我被診斷有狂燥症,我感覺平靜。在這個地球上,我已經得到了足夠的美好的回憶,所以我覺得我要讓自己準備好,某突然的時刻,我就會在墳墓裏。然後,有一晚我在看電視劇集,背景是說,有精神病的人去殺人。我不覺得自己會上殺人,我從來沒有想殺死任何人,但它點燃我想再次自殺的願望。在那之後,我控制不了自己不哭,控制不了自己不再次情緒失控。我很害怕我自己,我不喜歡自己:我一直有自殺的念頭,所以我好累,筋疲力盡。每次聽到我認識人的負面經驗時,我想替他們哭。我再想想我自己,然後我就哭得更厲害了。我只是累極了,僅此而已。

 

❤ Lala

 

 

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