Mastermind

Not a weirdo, at last 原來我不怪

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Over these last 3 to 4 days, all I did was lying on the sofa at home and eating congee, as I was told by the doctor that I got both throat inflammation and diarrhoea, which was why I had a high temperature. Of course these few days, being so physically unwell really sucks, but this is nothing compared to that mental pain.

前3至4天,我所做的就只有躺在家裡的沙發上,吃粥,因為醫生說我同時喉嚨發炎和腸胃炎,這就是為什麼我也發燒了。當然,這幾天的身體不適真的很不好過,不過這跟精神上的痛苦根本不能相題並論。

 

For a few nights, I had a sudden moment of realisation that I was still mentally sick, I feel so weak. Looking at the different shapes and colours of different pills I had to take, and then reading my physical appearance using my own eyes, I asked myself: how could I be so weak both physically and mentally? So I tried to do some thinking, as a way to check whether I was still mentally sound or not; after all, I delayed my appointment with my psychiatrist to a week later due to my fever over these last few days. Sitting on my bed, my tears drowned my eyes again, dripping down from my eyes, to my throat, to my duvet; as usual, this was no way what I wanted. I wanted to see myself appearing confident, independent and strong. I am a perfectionist who do not like to lose, yet tears betray me to make me give in to those 3 big names which I just can’t help, but have to recall them over and over again: depression, anxiety, bipolar.

那幾個晚上,我總會有一個突然的時刻,想起自己精神上有病,我就感覺渾身無力。看著不同形狀和顏色的藥片在我的眼前,又用自己的眼睛好好閱讀一下自己的外貌,我問自己:我怎麼會身體和精神上都這麼弱呢?於是,我就試著去好好思考,檢查一下我是否仍然思想健全;畢竟,因為之前我發燒,我與我的精神科醫生本來的覆診延後了一個星期。坐在我的床上,我的眼淚再次淹沒了我的眼睛,從我眼裡滴下來,流到我的喉嚨,再去到我的被子上;像往常一樣,這可不是我想要的情況。我想看到自己表現得自信,獨立和堅強。我是一個不喜歡輸的完美主義者,但眼淚出賣我,我不能自救,老輸給那三個大大的名字,不得不一遍又一遍地回憶起它們:抑鬱症,焦慮症,狂躁症。

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Not that I tried to do this on purpose but rather, automatically, my brain could associate a strong sense of sadness with anything that was actually not related to me. This has been ongoing for me. Basically, when I hear a very sad song, I can feel that the lyrics are describing me, and worse, once I felt that the the singer really gave the song such an impressive expression, conveying such a strong depressive mood, I googled the singer, and Google told me that the signer is a depression sufferer. When I watch a movie or read a book with a sad storyline, I feel that all these storylines come together as an indirect reflection of my own-self.

這並不是自己想這樣的,而是,自動的,我的大腦會將一種好悲傷的感覺去和任何東西連繫起來,那些東西明明與我無關。這「自動化」已經持續了好一段日子。比如說,當我聽到一首很悲傷的歌,我覺得歌詞描述的是我,更糟的是,有一次我覺得歌手真的給了這首歌一種令人印象深刻的表達,傳達了強烈的抑鬱情緒,我Google搜索那歌手,就被告知那歌手可是抑鬱症患者啊。當我看電影或讀一本書,故事情節若是悲傷的話,我又覺得所有這些故事情節拼在一起,其實是間接反映我自己。

 

I have always defined to myself that the day I recover from my mental problems would be the day that the psychiatrist says that I can come off all the medication, no more anti-depressants. This is one of the reasons why I am still upset almost everyday, since I am taking medicine each day, and day after day. There were days when I blamed my psychiatrist right in front of him questioning his professional skills, asking him why I am still on medication, and I considered over and over again about stopping all medication. What I wanted to do was not actually to offend or insult him, I just don’t want to lose the battle against all my mental problems, but to have a totally sane mind.

我一直給自己定義,當我的心理問題都康復的日子,就將是精神科醫生說我不用再服任何藥物的那天,開始不用再服抗抑鬱藥的那一天。這就是為什麼我仍然每天不高興的原因之一,因為我還是天天在吃藥。有天,我指責我的醫生,質疑他的專業。我質問他為什麼我仍然在服藥,我自己就一次有一次在盤算著要不要停止服用所有的藥物。我想做的事本來從不是要冒犯或侮辱醫生,我只是不想輸給我的心理問題,要有一個完全清醒的頭腦。

 

This week for many times, things in life seem to tell me to change my rules; the boundaries in my own rulebook maybe can be put down a little; maybe I am being too much of a perfectionist, or simply too harsh on myself. Maybe I can say to myself: hey, some people do need to take anti-depressants for the rest of their lives too, even if I do, I am just one of them, so I am not the odd one out! Then I by chance came to watch a TV programme where a few mothers were interviewed to talk about kids with mental problems. These mums were all once mentally troubled. One briefly talked about her painful experience of having to live in at the homes of others abroad for the purpose of schooling and got mistreated, whilst another mum talked about how she used to be in the elite group of students academically then almost could not face the upside down fact of becoming the bottom as she grew up. I was like: actually, I had very similar experiences like those of them!

本週多次,生活中的事似乎在告訴我要改變我的潛規則;在我的規則手冊裏,也許我可以把標準放低一點;也許我是過於完美主義,或者對自己簡直太苛刻。可能我可以對自己說:其實,有些人是需要終生服用抗抑鬱藥去過活的,即使我也變成這樣,我只是他們多人中的其中之一,所以我不是自己一個!然後,我碰巧看了一個電視節目,它採訪一些母親去談論有心理問題的孩子。這些媽媽自己都有過精神困擾的過去。一位媽媽談到她因為要到國外念書,有著寄人離下,因為不好的對待的不快經歷,而另一個媽媽談到她如何要面對曾經是精英組別的學生,在她長大後,要識應和面臨變成成績在尾尾組別的學生。我當時想:其實,我的經歷和她們的可真是相似!

 

Feeling more connected to the world, one more discovery almost blew my head off. My friend sent me a link, I guess my mental problems could even be traced back to me having a ‘boarding house syndrome’, for I was a boarder for 6 years since a young age. This syndrome briefly suggests that by living in a boarding house, a child could be mentally affected in many different ways which altogether bring about negative impact. I have copied the link here should you be interested (only English version available for now).

感覺自己好像更融入世界後,因為有一個發現,教我幾乎感到我頭也要被炸開。我的朋友給我一個鏈結去閲讀,我想我的心理問題甚至可以追溯到 「寄宿學校候群症」:我可是在好小的年紀就成為了寄宿生,一當就當了六年。這症狀基本上提出,生活在一個宿舍裏,一個孩子於精神上可能可以而很多方式上,接收到負面的影響。我在這裡複製了鏈結(目前只有英文版本)。

Link: Boarding House Syndrome

 

By the end of the day, I came to a ‘wow’ moment.

  1. I am not alone in taking anti-depressants for long term.
  2. I am not alone in being mistreated by having to study abroad, living at stranger’s place.
  3. I am not alone in adapting from being a top grade student and then to join a low grade group (and now in the average group I suppose?).
  4. I am not alone to be a boarder, and ‘boarding house syndrome’ may explain my causes of mental problems better, shield me from blaming words of not being a mentally strong person.

At last, I conclude that I have mental problems, but I am not a weirdo, for I am not the odd one out of the majority of the society. I have emotional breakdowns, I from time to time do silly things, but I am very normal too, and undoubtedly I am not crazy.

在一天要結束時,我真想說一聲,「哇」。

  1. 我不是一個人在長期服用抗抑鬱藥。
  2. 我不是一個人因為出國留學,而要寄人離下般生活,受到不好的待遇。
  3. 我不是一個人,由一個成績好的學生,然後變得成績差(現在我應該是中等的成績吧)。
  4. 我並不是唯一的一個寄宿生,而「寄宿學校候群症」可以更能夠解釋我的心理問題吧,也可抵擋人們怪責我不能做一個意志堅強的人等等的話。

最後,我總結自己有精神問題,但不是怪人,也不是跟社會格格不入。我會情緒失控,時不時會做些不太合理的事吧,但我也非常正常,而可以不用懷疑的是,我可不是瘋的。

 

  • Please don’t discriminate all those who suffered from mentally illnesses. We already have the triggering gene to get sick, and you don’t know what each of us has been through to have come to the stage that we are at.
  • 請不要歧視精神病患者。我們已經有著可被觸發精神病的基因,而你不知道是什麼經歷,讓我們每個人走到了我們今天所在的這一個處境。

 

  • Please never call us names or use negative terms like ‘scary’, ‘pressurising’, ‘crazy’, ‘useless’, ‘monster’ etc. Your understanding would really be appreciated.
  • 請永遠不要用一些好冒犯的名稱來形容我們,例如,「嚇人」,「壓力源頭」,「瘋子」,「無用」,「怪物」等等。我們會非常感謝你的理解的。

❤️  Lala

 

 

 

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