Not a weirdo, at last 原來我不怪


Over these last 3 to 4 days, all I did was lying on the sofa at home and eating congee, as I was told by the doctor that I got both throat inflammation and diarrhoea, which was why I had a high temperature. Of course these few days, being so physically unwell really sucks, but this is nothing compared to that mental pain.



For a few nights, I had a sudden moment of realisation that I was still mentally sick, I feel so weak. Looking at the different shapes and colours of different pills I had to take, and then reading my physical appearance using my own eyes, I asked myself: how could I be so weak both physically and mentally? So I tried to do some thinking, as a way to check whether I was still mentally sound or not; after all, I delayed my appointment with my psychiatrist to a week later due to my fever over these last few days. Sitting on my bed, my tears drowned my eyes again, dripping down from my eyes, to my throat, to my duvet; as usual, this was no way what I wanted. I wanted to see myself appearing confident, independent and strong. I am a perfectionist who do not like to lose, yet tears betray me to make me give in to those 3 big names which I just can’t help, but have to recall them over and over again: depression, anxiety, bipolar.



Not that I tried to do this on purpose but rather, automatically, my brain could associate a strong sense of sadness with anything that was actually not related to me. This has been ongoing for me. Basically, when I hear a very sad song, I can feel that the lyrics are describing me, and worse, once I felt that the the singer really gave the song such an impressive expression, conveying such a strong depressive mood, I googled the singer, and Google told me that the signer is a depression sufferer. When I watch a movie or read a book with a sad storyline, I feel that all these storylines come together as an indirect reflection of my own-self.



I have always defined to myself that the day I recover from my mental problems would be the day that the psychiatrist says that I can come off all the medication, no more anti-depressants. This is one of the reasons why I am still upset almost everyday, since I am taking medicine each day, and day after day. There were days when I blamed my psychiatrist right in front of him questioning his professional skills, asking him why I am still on medication, and I considered over and over again about stopping all medication. What I wanted to do was not actually to offend or insult him, I just don’t want to lose the battle against all my mental problems, but to have a totally sane mind.



This week for many times, things in life seem to tell me to change my rules; the boundaries in my own rulebook maybe can be put down a little; maybe I am being too much of a perfectionist, or simply too harsh on myself. Maybe I can say to myself: hey, some people do need to take anti-depressants for the rest of their lives too, even if I do, I am just one of them, so I am not the odd one out! Then I by chance came to watch a TV programme where a few mothers were interviewed to talk about kids with mental problems. These mums were all once mentally troubled. One briefly talked about her painful experience of having to live in at the homes of others abroad for the purpose of schooling and got mistreated, whilst another mum talked about how she used to be in the elite group of students academically then almost could not face the upside down fact of becoming the bottom as she grew up. I was like: actually, I had very similar experiences like those of them!



Feeling more connected to the world, one more discovery almost blew my head off. My friend sent me a link, I guess my mental problems could even be traced back to me having a ‘boarding house syndrome’, for I was a boarder for 6 years since a young age. This syndrome briefly suggests that by living in a boarding house, a child could be mentally affected in many different ways which altogether bring about negative impact. I have copied the link here should you be interested (only English version available for now).

感覺自己好像更融入世界後,因為有一個發現,教我幾乎感到我頭也要被炸開。我的朋友給我一個鏈結去閲讀,我想我的心理問題甚至可以追溯到 「寄宿學校候群症」:我可是在好小的年紀就成為了寄宿生,一當就當了六年。這症狀基本上提出,生活在一個宿舍裏,一個孩子於精神上可能可以而很多方式上,接收到負面的影響。我在這裡複製了鏈結(目前只有英文版本)。

Link: Boarding House Syndrome


By the end of the day, I came to a ‘wow’ moment.

  1. I am not alone in taking anti-depressants for long term.
  2. I am not alone in being mistreated by having to study abroad, living at stranger’s place.
  3. I am not alone in adapting from being a top grade student and then to join a low grade group (and now in the average group I suppose?).
  4. I am not alone to be a boarder, and ‘boarding house syndrome’ may explain my causes of mental problems better, shield me from blaming words of not being a mentally strong person.

At last, I conclude that I have mental problems, but I am not a weirdo, for I am not the odd one out of the majority of the society. I have emotional breakdowns, I from time to time do silly things, but I am very normal too, and undoubtedly I am not crazy.


  1. 我不是一個人在長期服用抗抑鬱藥。
  2. 我不是一個人因為出國留學,而要寄人離下般生活,受到不好的待遇。
  3. 我不是一個人,由一個成績好的學生,然後變得成績差(現在我應該是中等的成績吧)。
  4. 我並不是唯一的一個寄宿生,而「寄宿學校候群症」可以更能夠解釋我的心理問題吧,也可抵擋人們怪責我不能做一個意志堅強的人等等的話。



  • Please don’t discriminate all those who suffered from mentally illnesses. We already have the triggering gene to get sick, and you don’t know what each of us has been through to have come to the stage that we are at.
  • 請不要歧視精神病患者。我們已經有著可被觸發精神病的基因,而你不知道是什麼經歷,讓我們每個人走到了我們今天所在的這一個處境。


  • Please never call us names or use negative terms like ‘scary’, ‘pressurising’, ‘crazy’, ‘useless’, ‘monster’ etc. Your understanding would really be appreciated.
  • 請永遠不要用一些好冒犯的名稱來形容我們,例如,「嚇人」,「壓力源頭」,「瘋子」,「無用」,「怪物」等等。我們會非常感謝你的理解的。

❤️  Lala




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