Since tonight I really don’t feel that well and just lie on my bed after work, I guess it makes it a good timing for me to finish off this post.
It has been a long time, well, maybe for a month or two, I had so much pressure everyday when I thought about the fact that I would have to return home at the end of the day, taking that last bus home at around half 12 a.m. I know it was my way to try to hide from my my parents; I don’t feel belonged to my home, for which I referred to ‘their home’ instead, and my psychiatrist said the same thing, and he said, there isn’t a medication which can make me feel belonged, but it should be me who naturally try to get to be part of that home again. I could not stay calm at home, and I would easily cry or get into emotional breakdowns at home, so I chose to go out everyday, so that I could have my private time to meditate.
I believe that everyone to a certain extent needs some quiet time just to be on their own and meditate, whether it could be daydreaming a little, or to think about something of a big deal. So where would everyone try to hide when they need time to meditate all by themselves? For me, I either go to Mong Kok or the gym. If you only daydream, then I would call your hiding place as being inside your own brain.
Don’t laugh, but I like hiding the most at Mong Kok, and in particular its video arcades or loiter in its shopping malls. Have you heard of the idea that roughly says, where it is the most noisy place, this place is in fact the quietest place you can be on Earth? For me, this means I go to a video arcade, and make sure mostly I go there by myself. Playing video games with noises that would so obviously harm my ears was surprisingly the place I managed to meditate; I could think about many things by immersing myself in a virtual world that is not home, I guess that’s how I shall explain this. I loiter at the same shopping mall over and over again too, so my eyes could have all the products that are to be sold to be focused on, and my mind could finally come to a halt to free my from my headaches. I had enough crazy thoughts day after day produced by my brain.
My aunt once asked me, how on Earth I can bear with the noises of all different kinds of video games going on all in one place and stay at video arcades, and I just shrugged and laughed it off. I like to be part of a community of which its people seem to be indulged with video games and losing track of reality. The only difference might be that when they just focused on gaming, I was not that concentrating on playing the dancing machine or shooting down virtual zombies, but I managed to meditate, and sometimes even get light bulb moments where I even manage to think of solutions to my problems in life. No one cares who I am there, as long as I don’t get into quarrels with people there or get myself into any other troubles. Sometimes just sarcastically speaking, I just joke with myself, maybe besides a psychiatrist, a social worker will be needed as well to concern about my problem of lingering in video arcades.
Can someone just tell me how much do people wanna hide themselves? I have two questions. First question: would religious people also hide themselves due to shame, guilt, or what? I really want to feel ‘Emmanuel’ every second, and hide in His arms for every second. Yet sometimes, I really don’t feel Him, and I would have to remember the basic faith: believe in Him by faith but not by sight. However, I really do not enjoy community life to the extent that not only I hide at video arcade or do shopping on my own, I am literally fed up to be part of a religious or a non-religious community: I feel all right sharing here about my mental problems online, but I really don’t bother sharing about my issues by mouth, in front of the community’s people or in their small groups. I don’t wanna socialise with new people, I only wanna socialise with people who I have already known for ages, I would rather resort to a video arcade. Sometimes, I just don’t wanna see human beings at all.
Second question: would people see the sea at a beachside and get agitated to hope for suicide? This is because I do, but rather, I have this imagination of how I would get to float lightly and gently in the sea like a ball full with helium, with my face facing up the sky, eyes closed, not knowing where I would float to. All I would know is that I have finally left the land of sorrow to search for the true freedom in an unknown world. I really wanna keep floating till I die naturally in the middle of the sea. I also ask myself what the heck is this.
Things just suddenly changed last week. I find myself being able to sit still at home, and I even have the concept that every night after finishing my exercising time, I wanna be home as soon as possible to have a shower to get myself clean, and now I think that I can save more money by not eating out but eating at home and not playing video games outside. Don’t know why, all these just happened naturally.
So when I thought that things would continue to go fine, the day of Mid-Autumn Festival and its following day, I got into emotional breakdowns, repeatedly and publicly. I was just holding a lantern in the park, and I could not uphold my dignity to show tears on the street. I hate crying and yet I cannot stop myself from crying. Crying non-stop for five or six hours, rolling around on the floor, all these are already of no big deal for me. Sometimes, however hard I want to appear tough and guard up myself without dripping tears after tears, this would only be a mere hope that I can dream about; not having sufficient self-control on my emotional behaviour has always been the key to my mental problems, and so as to put the past behind and move on.
Not only I always joke with my friends that I am a loner, I am just simply a qualified loner with no doubt. I do virtual gaming by myself at video arcade, I loiter for hours in shopping mall not really spending money on buying things, and I could even sing karaoke on my own one night after my friend left early. I remember that night I got a very coarse voice, but I didn’t give a damn about it, and I kept singing over and over again on those same love songs and hymns (yes, don’t be surprised, you can find hymns at karaokes).
I used to do many things all by myself, and I used to enjoy this privacy which I also used to name it as ‘independency’. Now, I grieve at the fact that I am a loner who from time to time can only put up my mask again to face everyone.
So far, what I can truly manage is just that I have begun reading academic materials to want to put myself together to get ready to be back to school in January. Of course, I still teach, and exercise four or five times per week. I just know that I need to pick myself up, not too sure how, but somehow I shall live. I should learn to love my loneliness or what? Or this is not called loneliness? Whatever, I am sick and too tired to type more for today.