When it comes to romance, I wanna write in Chinese. I would always write all my posts in English first and then get them translated to Chinese, but this time, I am doing it the other way round. It feels like it is finally time to ‘show off’ my Chinese which is of primary school level (applause please LOL). I began getting schooling out of Hong Kong since I began studies at secondary school/high school, so in other words, I have not been taking any Chinese language lessons since then. Today’s post might be just about my personal thoughts, and would be a bit long and I might digress a little at some times, please bear with me.
Three months already, for goodness sake, I write about my relationship breakdown again, and I still remember someone once said to me, ‘I need you’, and all those shared memories. Can’t believe that I am writing about my failed romantic relationship again. I still haven’t fully moved on. I cannot accept that I was forced to become a victim who was dumped. On the other hand, I can’t help but blame myself for having been classified as a mentally ill person, and so the logic goes, I won’t be a good girlfriend, and I am about to lose my breath whilst living in guilt. I did tell others that I got dumped, and yet I realise the importance of respect; only those who are closest to me know his true identity.
I thought I got to write a post which would be unrelated to my mental problems this time, for my mental sickness shall be written about next time. Actually this is not what I would manage to do. Since every person has certain criteria when they look for in a person in a romantic relationship, when it comes to me, they would consider the fact that I have the possibility of relapse of my mental problems in the future and so I expect that they would have to take care of me on this aspect. So in other words, I already score low in terms of my attractiveness as a girl.
我最近好喜歡看中文小說和雜誌，這些讀物好多時都離不開提起「愛情」。先說我剛看完的小說，是張小嫻 寫的「三月裡的幸福餅」。裏面說到，愛情的意思是，害怕沒有了那個人，會想常常見到那個人。我的第一反應是，不應該去說害怕失去一個人吧，應說成害怕一個人不會再固定的出現在自己的生活裡，因為，沒有人可以擁有一個人的，人人都是一個獨立的個體呀! 不能擁有，自然就不能失去或沒有了一個人的說法。所以，我要好精確的說：害怕一個人因為不再愛自己，所以不會再固定的出現在自己的生活裡！好像這類寫給女生看的書都會比較文藝感强一點，我就拿男作家寫的來對比。
Recently I have been enjoying my reading of Chinese novels and magazines, which always have some kind of links to ‘romance’. Let’s talk about the novel which I have just finished reading. The novel’s author defines romantic love as having the fear of losing the particular person, and the desire to always get to see that particular person. My first reaction to this is wanting to correct her from saying that there is a fear of losing someone. Instead, it could be phrased as the fear of not having the particular person to always stay in one’s own life, because no person can own another person since each person is an individual being. Since owning a person is impossible, then it follows to say that there is no such thing as losing someone. So let’s be precise: the fear that one particular person will not love me anymore, so that this person will not appear in my life regularly! Novels written for girls such as this kind often bears a stronger artistic sense, and I compare them to those of male authors.
I actually prefer reading stuff written by male authors, because they are more realistic; in terms of my attitude, I have gone past upholding of unrealistic romance, so I cannot really watch idol drama, for I will point at the TV and scold in order to criticise the storyline. I like a book named ‘Hong Kong sex secrets’, also written in Chinese, but it dose not actually talk about sex. It talks about how people today materialise romantic love, for they would oversee the worldly criteria of a targeted potential partner, and also talks about some real thoughts of the people living in the city. For e.g. parents in Hong Kong are in general much more conservative even though they live in an international city, and are restrained by traditional believes: whether directly or indirectly, parents are afraid to talk about this topic called sex with their kids, or brainwash them sex is a behaviour found in bad people. The last author I won’t really go on to talk about him much, but I will talk about his definition of romantic love, as his definition is by far the most agreeable to my liking. He defines it as liking a person so to have the hope that the life ahead bears the possibility to spend with this person. However, definitions are not so important because the more important issue is about the demands we place on our partners once we get into relationships.
As a girl, most of my girl friends would long for a day when they get married to a guy and give birth to kids, so they would have a home, becoming the so- called ‘life-winners’ portrayed by the Hong Kong media; the fact that a husband is found plus the existence of your own kids, this proves that you are ‘blessed’ with the identities, one named ‘wife’, the other named ‘mother’. Even girls may not necessarily demand a wedding to the extent of it being extravagant, they still would say they want a wedding, and cannot accept that they only sign the contract of marriage and then begin their cohabiting life. Some girl friends of mine mention that they find speed dating as a possible option, for they want a boyfriend.
Love means more than having a stable boyfriend, it is about having a stable guy understanding you and then you also understand him, and the two together share both joy and pain. I believe when there is this person who has this attitude, then you dating him means romance. Requiring a stable guy is not romance, as this is about mental loneliness, the desire to want to have a guy in your heart, and so you don’t actually require a designated person. Whilst one of the two cannot share each other’s joy and pain, this is not romance either. You will be automatically share your joy and pain with someone if you love that ‘someone’, and the ‘someone’ being able to share your pain means this is a person who is willing to give such effort of offering to help out the partner’s pain: here you go, this is the proof of romantic love.
It is hard to find such a person, talk about my case for example: I am no ordinary patient when I start a breakdown emotionally, so to restrain me, look after me, watch over me, high level of patient is required. So if you demand your boyfriend to give you money to spend, what you want is money but not romance. If I ask for romance, I would be asking for both myself and the partner to be able to share love and pain of each other, and my pain includes my still existing mental problems, or those possibilities of a future relapse. You can tell me that I don’t need a guy to share the experience of joy and pain, my family can do this same thing with me, so I actually need an emotional carer rather than romance, right? Then I will tell you, the key to romantic love is ‘the fluttered heart ‘. We love our families and friends and animals, but we cannot gain that feeling where our heart flutters in such an unique way, and for an unique person.
Don’t we get taught by those who are older that we would be joyful and blessed if we find someone who loves us more than we love them? Yet even one person loves you so greatly, and you in return cannot feel your heart flutter for him, what’s the point to keep going on then? Let’s assume that I have a boyfriend with mental problems to be taken care of, I would be afraid of not being a carer who is good enough for him; of course, the true reason why most people turn down boyfriends or girlfriends with mental sickness is because even right from the start, they don’t wanna bear any responsibilities of taking care of the specific person with mental issues. I have been thinking, I should stop believing and hoping that romance will knock on my door ever again, or I should find someone who also has a mentally ill history? Well, but having this in common dose not arrive at the conclusion that two mentally ill persons being put together would be a suitable match for each other. Anyways, it is better off to stop further thinking on this topic.
Things just do not turn out well for me in terms of romance. I do not like the idea that I get into a relationship but not being serious about it, let’s say, to let the newcomer to replace the one who has hurt me to get me losing control and crying badly. Using the new to replace the new, it dose not make sense because if it dose, I would not have been recalling the happy and unhappy past experiences, offering myself tears, tears and again tears? Better not to believe words said in a romantic relationship, a reality that the one who has hurt me has forced me to learn. Yet anyways, I need to be responsible to myself, where I will only try to develop a relationship with a newcomer if I do have feelings of liking towards the person; never should I use a person as a replacement, this is what I tell myself, as I will be shameful if I really do so.
無論如何，像我部落客的cover最左面的圖片，說intelligence is beauty(智慧就是美麗)是真的，首要就是做個有腦的女生。去想想，「人生勝利組」這爛用語真的是教那些想要戀愛又沒有對象的女生傷心，所以要無視這用語。女生們，想要男朋友卻沒有，那就這樣先自欺欺人一下：「我不是沒拖拍，是我不去拍拖而已。」你可有心動過某個男生，但他可以一同經歷快樂，快樂，快樂和快樂，但不可以一同經歷苦難呢？還好，我們女生在為要上班上學忙碌，可以自我選擇不再多想愛情上的失敗，因為真的夠忙了，去晞虛也是浪費時間的行為吧，有intelligence(智慧)就算了，不再要求做「人生勝利組」好了。可能大家無聊時可以想一下，你想要的是愛情對象，其實本來只是一個你碰巧有心動，而這個人是有某些你所要求條件的人，日久就互相有感情了，就變成了你所指定的那位。其實，命中注定大多數時間都是個美夢。
Anyways, just look at my blog’s cover picture to the left, which says that ‘intelligence is beauty’, and it is a solid fact, and the primary job of a girl is to get smart. Think about it, doesn’t the term ‘life winners’ used in Hong Kong today hurts those girls who long for romance? So let’s ignore this term. Girls, you wish for the arrival of a boyfriend for yourself but you don’t, then why don’t you tell yourself a white lie, ‘it is not me who cannot get to fall in love, but rather it is me who has chosen not to fall in love’. Has your heart ever fluttered for a guy, who could share with you your happiness, happiness and happiness, but he could not share your pain? Fortunately, girls these days are busy for studies or work, and can choose to not reflect so much on the failure in their romantic relationships since life is busy enough, and to sigh or sob about it wastes time. Intelligence suffices, why dread to become a member of ‘life-winners’? Maybe we can daydream your ideal lover, and then the truth is by chance, there is someone, who gets you to have butterflies in your stomach but in the beautiful sense, and this person dose have those certain criteria that you require. Time passes, gradually there are feelings developed between the two persons, and so the ‘nobody’ becomes your ‘somebody’. In truth, destiny in most cases is only a myth.
I feel that besides the matter of romance, would it be that everyone hate me because I always bring negativity to the scene? I feel like it is a sin to cry, and I would keep coming back to the thought that my existence is wrong, how frustrating! To be relieved from all the people and things, this is exactly the thing that I demand myself to do each day, and the thing which I could not fulfil properly. Why do I keep finding myself feeling inferior, annoying, and not attractive enough? Seeing myself like this, what should I do next then? Such a pain.
我只知道，自己被甩也應該是無可避免，是我的病剛好成就了一個拋棄我的絕世好時機。 那位想要扔下我，就算我做得再好，身心再健康，他總會可以找到他的方法去將我趕走。我當然有做一般女生會做的事，求他回來，想要他回覆我的電話和短訊，想他兌現永不離開我的承諾。不用腦袋想也知道，我只得到冷淡，嫌棄，失望，背叛，我去自殺，還說，我應該去自己好好超顧自己呢。我的生死對他來說也不算是甚麼了。為什麼我以前會為他去跪下禱告，求用我擁有的去換給他所想要的呢？這樣去擔心他的我可真夠笨。但純粹想說，我會談戀愛的機會的確被有病這事實降低了，不是零，不過好微好微， 現實就是如此。我還未有失去理智，有關考試，上學，平時工作，要保持運動等等的事，我一邊失戀，也有一邊在計劃的。不竟，我還要做別的事，生活要過，所以忙就不會去想被甩了。
I should have known that being dumped is an unavoidable fate, and being sick creates the perfect timing for me to become the dumped subject. The one who dumped, I should know that he would dump me in using any methods, even if I was in fact of good mental and physical health and behaved well. Of course I did all the things that an ordinary girl did, begging him for his return, wishing that he would reply my calls and messages, hoping that he would not cancel out his promises. Even a brainless person can foresee that in return, all I got was being treated coldly, being despised, got disappointed, feeling betrayed, and all he said was that I should take good care of myself when he learnt about my suicide, and I discover that my life or my death mean nothing to him now. Why was I so stupid, praying on my knees, wishing that I could use what I have, in order to exchange for what he wanted? Why I devoted so much time worrying for him? Just to say, the possibility that I can ever fall in love from now on is greatly reduced factually, with a figure which is not zero, but so low, low enough that I can sigh to the harsh reality that lies ahead of me. After all, I still have other stuff to do. Live still goes on, keeping myself busy is the key to not remember I got dumped.
If you were to ask me, seeing my friends all are happily and sweetly in love, whereas I am a loser who got dumped, would I be jealous, or would I call it ok to not get to fall in love again? I would answer that both are correct. As a student, there is the jealousy against another student who gets higher marks than me, then jealous of people who perform better at workplace than I do, so for a failed relationship, the same logic applies. I love winning so so much, and may be I should not have wondered whether there are a winner and a loser in a relationship? Maybe I don’t actually become a loser by being dumped? It sounds good that I will bear no risks of being dumped again by isolating myself from romance, but on the other hand, I will be jealous of the others who are happily in love . This is me, what a contradictory person.
Imagine your other half has mental problems but which are not violent, but do you think you can handle her acts to stop her from harming herself, and then to go through all her bad times with her, staying calm instead of feeling annoyed about her continual negative attitude? It all depends on how much you love her.
We cannot choose our parents, so always try to be in good relationship with them if possible. Yet in contrast, we can choose lovers and friends again and again. Treasure the Mid-Autumn Festival which is to come this week on Thursday.
各位中秋節快樂。 Happy Mid-Autumn Festival.