Master-love

Don’t tell him I still think about him…… 別告訴他我還想他。。。

 

寫愛情就會好想不用英語去寫。平常我總會用英文寫我的帖子,今次我會先用中文寫,再翻譯為英文 -我「表演」我只有小學的中文水平的時間來了!我可是由中學開始就不再在香港上學,再沒有上過中文科的課呢。今次的帖文只是我的個人想法吧!可能有點長和有時候離題,請見諒。

When it comes to romance, I wanna write in Chinese. I would always write all my posts in English first and then get them translated to Chinese, but this time, I am doing it the other way round. It feels like it is finally time to ‘show off’ my Chinese which is of primary school level (applause please LOL). I began getting schooling out of Hong Kong since I began studies at secondary school/high school, so in other words, I have not been taking any Chinese language lessons since then. Today’s post might be just about my personal thoughts, and would be a bit long and I might digress a little at some times, please bear with me.

 

我竟然又寫失戀的事,都三個月了,原來還未釋懷,還是記得有人和我說過:「我需要你」,還有許多共同的回憶。我還是會不停的不甘心,我被迫成為受害者,因為突然的被拋棄了。而另一邊廂,我自責自己有病,所以不會是個好的女朋友,在內疚感裏活到快要斷氣。我想,拋棄我的人是不是很得意自己拋棄了我,過得更快樂呢?我會跟別人說我給甩了,但我也清楚尊重的重要,只有我最熟絡的人才知道他姓甚名誰。

Three months already, for goodness sake, I write about my relationship breakdown again, and I still remember someone once said to me, ‘I need you’, and all those shared memories. Can’t believe that I am writing about my failed romantic relationship again. I still haven’t fully moved on. I cannot accept that I was forced to become a victim who was dumped. On the other hand, I can’t help but blame myself for having been classified as a mentally ill person, and so the logic goes, I won’t be a good girlfriend, and I am about to lose my breath whilst living in guilt. I did tell others that I got dumped, and yet I realise the importance of respect; only those who are closest to me know his true identity.

 

以為終於又有一個新帖子是可以不用再只說我的精神病了,下次才再說好了,不是的呢。因為其實人總有擇偶條件,要考慮和接受我將來有精神病復發而要照顧我,這樣的我,早已被大大扣分。

I thought I got to write a post which would be unrelated to my mental problems this time, for my mental sickness shall be written about next time. Actually this is not what I would manage to do. Since every person has certain criteria when they look for in a person in a romantic relationship, when it comes to me, they would consider the fact that I have the possibility of relapse of my mental problems in the future and so I expect that they would have to take care of me on this aspect. So in other words, I already score low in terms of my attractiveness as a girl.

 

我最近好喜歡看中文小說和雜誌,這些讀物好多時都離不開提起「愛情」。先說我剛看完的小說,是張小嫻 寫的「三月裡的幸福餅」。裏面說到,愛情的意思是,害怕沒有了那個人,會想常常見到那個人。我的第一反應是,不應該去說害怕失去一個人吧,應說成害怕一個人不會再固定的出現在自己的生活裡,因為,沒有人可以擁有一個人的,人人都是一個獨立的個體呀! 不能擁有,自然就不能失去或沒有了一個人的說法。所以,我要好精確的說:害怕一個人因為不再愛自己,所以不會再固定的出現在自己的生活裡!好像這類寫給女生看的書都會比較文藝感强一點,我就拿男作家寫的來對比。

Recently I have been enjoying my reading of Chinese novels and magazines, which always have some kind of links to ‘romance’. Let’s talk about the novel which I have just finished reading. The novel’s author defines romantic love as having the fear of losing the particular person, and the desire to always get to see that particular person. My first reaction to this is wanting to correct her from saying that there is a fear of losing someone. Instead, it could be phrased as the fear of not having the particular person to always stay in one’s own life, because no person can own another person since each person is an individual being. Since owning a person is impossible, then it follows to say that there is no such thing as losing someone. So let’s be precise: the fear that one particular person will not love me anymore, so that this person will not appear in my life regularly! Novels written for girls such as this kind often bears a stronger artistic sense, and I compare them to those of male authors.

 

我其實較喜歡看男作家寫的東西,因為還是現實點好;我過了那個會幢憬超出現實的浪漫的心態了,也不太能看偶像劇,因為我會指著電視來罵劇情騙人。我很喜歡健吾在「香港sex secrets」扮成是寫sex,實際上寫人們的心其實物化了愛情,要算著交往對象的世俗條件,也說了一些社會現實,比如說,雖活在國際城市,香港家長也還是被保守的思想綁著:明示或暗示也好,爸爸媽媽還是害怕和孩子說有關性的話題,或灌輸孩子有性生活是壞人的行為之類的。我也好喜歡王貽興的作品,他也是寫一般社會上,人們對愛情關係的看法和心態等等。他定義愛情等於感到喜歡一個人,於是希望有和那個人可以將來也一起過日子的機會。我覺得他的定義是暫時最讓我讚成的。不過,定義不是那麼重要,重要的是,有了一個愛人後,我們要求對方要做得到甚麼。

I actually prefer reading stuff written by male authors, because they are more realistic; in terms of my attitude, I have gone past upholding of unrealistic romance, so I cannot really watch idol drama, for I will point at the TV and scold in order to criticise the storyline. I like a book named ‘Hong Kong sex secrets’, also written in Chinese, but it dose not actually talk about sex. It talks about how people today materialise romantic love, for they would oversee the worldly criteria of a targeted potential partner, and also talks about some real thoughts of the people living in the city. For e.g. parents in Hong Kong are in general much more conservative even though they live in an international city, and are restrained by traditional believes: whether directly or indirectly, parents are afraid to talk about this topic called sex with their kids, or brainwash them sex is a behaviour found in bad people. The last author I won’t really go on to talk about him much, but I will talk about his definition of romantic love, as his definition is by far the most agreeable to my liking. He defines it as liking a person so to have the hope that the life ahead bears the possibility to spend with this person. However, definitions are not so important because the more important issue is about the demands we place on our partners once we get into relationships.

 

我是女生的身份會發現,我的大多數女生朋友們都會渴望和一個男生有結婚生小孩的一天,就有自己的家了,也就成為香港媒體所形容的「人生勝利組」;因為有人娶,還有小孩的存在,就證明了會得到做媽媽和人妻的幸福。結婚典禮有好多時就算不會要求好華麗的程度,也會說要一個結婚典禮,不能只簽婚書就住在一起,就再沒有別的。有女生朋友們都和我提過speed dating對她們有點吸引,提過想要有一個男朋友。

As a girl, most of my girl friends would long for a day when they get married to a guy and give birth to kids, so they would have a home, becoming the so- called ‘life-winners’ portrayed by the Hong Kong media; the fact that a husband is found plus the existence of your own kids, this proves that you are ‘blessed’ with the identities, one named ‘wife’, the other named ‘mother’. Even girls may not necessarily demand a wedding to the extent of it being extravagant, they still would say they want a wedding, and cannot accept that they only sign the contract of marriage and then begin their cohabiting life. Some girl friends of mine mention that they find speed dating as a possible option, for they want a boyfriend.

heartbroken-breakup-quotes-278

 

愛情不是只是有一個固定的男朋友,是有一個固定的男生明白自己,自己也明白對方,然後指定了是一起可以有福同享,有難同當。我覺得有一個這樣的人,他也有這心態,你和他一起,這才是愛情。需要一個固定的男生不是愛情,這只是一個心裡寂寥,想有個男人在心裡面,那其實並不需要指定一個人。而當其中一方不能有福同享有難同當,就不是愛情。你喜歡一個人就會自動模式般想要分享快樂和苦難;能分享苦難的話,是因為喜歡所以才願意付出,要分享苦難的辛勞,愛就由辛勞表現出來了。

Love means more than having a stable boyfriend, it is about having a stable guy understanding you and then you also understand him, and the two together share both joy and pain. I believe when there is this person who has this attitude, then you dating him means romance. Requiring a stable guy is not romance, as this is about mental loneliness, the desire to want to have a guy in your heart, and so you don’t actually require a designated person. Whilst one of the two cannot share each other’s joy and pain, this is not romance either. You will be automatically share your joy and pain with someone if you love that ‘someone’, and the ‘someone’ being able to share your pain means this is a person who is willing to give such effort of offering to help out the partner’s pain: here you go, this is the proof of romantic love.

 

這樣的人不易找到呢,就由我來説,我情緒失控起來可不是一般的瘋狂,要制止我,照顧我,看顧我,耐性一定要非一般高,也要有足夠的冷靜。所以,如果你要求的是男朋友有錢給你花,你要的就不是愛情,是錢。我要求愛情的話,就是要求自己和對方可以一同經歷快樂和苦難,我的苦難也就包括了我那還未完全康復,或是未來又可能復發的有精神病的我。你可以說,不一定是一個男生才能和自己經歷一快樂和苦難,家人也可以吧,那我也可被說成要的,就只是要一個情緒看顧者,但非愛情嗎?我就可以告訴你,愛情的最終關鍵是:「心動」。我們愛家人,朋友,動物都不會有那個愛情專有的心動,那個為一個人有一種屬於你對他的心跳。

It is hard to find such a person, talk about my case for example: I am no ordinary patient when I start a breakdown emotionally, so to restrain me, look after me, watch over me, high level of patient is required. So if you demand your boyfriend to give you money to spend, what you want is money but not romance. If I ask for romance, I would be asking for both myself and the partner to be able to share love and pain of each other, and my pain includes my still existing mental problems, or those possibilities of a future relapse. You can tell me that I don’t need a guy to share the experience of joy and pain, my family can do this same thing with me, so I actually need an emotional carer rather than romance, right? Then I will tell you, the key to romantic love is ‘the fluttered heart ‘. We love our families and friends and animals, but we cannot gain that feeling where our heart flutters in such an unique way, and for an unique person.

 

長輩教過大家的,找個愛自己比自己愛他多的人,那樣就會幸福了。但就算一個人有多愛自己,自己卻不喜歡別人,沒心動的感覺,有什麼意思呢?其實就假設,要我去照顧一個有精神病的男朋友,我會怕自己照顧得不夠周到;當然,大多數人拒絕精神病的男或女朋友的真正原因是從一開始就不想要負起照顧的責任,不是去問自己是否有能力照顧好對方。有想過,我根本就不應再相信和希望愛情會再在自己身上出現,除非大家都有過精神病吧,但又不是大家都有過精神病就會適合。一句到尾,不要多想了。

Don’t we get taught by those who are older that we would be joyful and blessed if we find someone who loves us more than we love them? Yet even one person loves you so greatly, and you in return cannot feel your heart flutter for him, what’s the point to keep going on then? Let’s assume that I have a boyfriend with mental problems to be taken care of, I would be afraid of not being a carer who is good enough for him; of course, the true reason why most people turn down boyfriends or girlfriends with mental sickness is because even right from the start, they don’t wanna bear any responsibilities of taking care of the specific person with mental issues. I have been thinking, I should stop believing and hoping that romance will knock on my door ever again, or I should find someone who also has a mentally ill history? Well, but having this in common dose not arrive at the conclusion that two mentally ill persons being put together would be a suitable match for each other. Anyways, it is better off to stop further thinking on this topic.

 

我愛情這方面好不順利吧。我不想隨便很不認真的去拍拖就騙自己,新來的人代替了傷害我的那位,那位傷害我的他,弄得自己會因為他而失控和嚎哭。用新的去取代舊的,其實這不太正路,行的話,用得著我現在還會想起快樂和不快樂的往事,換來淚水,淚水和淚水嗎?愛情關係裏的說話就盡可能不要相信就好了,也是那位傷害我的他逼我學會的。但我要對得起自己,要喜歡才可有發展機會,不要人家做代替品。

Things just do not turn out well for me in terms of romance. I do not like the idea that I get into a relationship but not being serious about it, let’s say, to let the newcomer to replace the one who has hurt me to get me losing control and crying badly. Using the new to replace the new, it dose not make sense because if it dose, I would not have been recalling the happy and unhappy past experiences, offering myself tears, tears and again tears? Better not to believe words said in a romantic relationship, a reality that the one who has hurt me has forced me to learn. Yet anyways, I need to be responsible to myself, where I will only try to develop a relationship with a newcomer if I do have feelings of liking towards the person; never should I use a person as a replacement, this is what I tell myself, as I will be shameful if I really do so.

 

無論如何,像我部落客的cover最左面的圖片,說intelligence is beauty(智慧就是美麗)是真的,首要就是做個有腦的女生。去想想,「人生勝利組」這爛用語真的是教那些想要戀愛又沒有對象的女生傷心,所以要無視這用語。女生們,想要男朋友卻沒有,那就這樣先自欺欺人一下:「我不是沒拖拍,是我不去拍拖而已。」你可有心動過某個男生,但他可以一同經歷快樂,快樂,快樂和快樂,但不可以一同經歷苦難呢?還好,我們女生在為要上班上學忙碌,可以自我選擇不再多想愛情上的失敗,因為真的夠忙了,去晞虛也是浪費時間的行為吧,有intelligence(智慧)就算了,不再要求做「人生勝利組」好了。可能大家無聊時可以想一下,你想要的是愛情對象,其實本來只是一個你碰巧有心動,而這個人是有某些你所要求條件的人,日久就互相有感情了,就變成了你所指定的那位。其實,命中注定大多數時間都是個美夢。

Anyways, just look at my blog’s cover picture to the left, which says that ‘intelligence is beauty’, and it is a solid fact, and the primary job of a girl is to get smart. Think about it, doesn’t the term ‘life winners’ used in Hong Kong today hurts those girls who long for romance? So let’s ignore this term. Girls, you wish for the arrival of a boyfriend for yourself but you don’t, then why don’t you tell yourself a white lie, ‘it is not me who cannot get to fall in love, but rather it is me who has chosen not to fall in love’. Has your heart ever fluttered for a guy, who could share with you your happiness, happiness and happiness, but he could not share your pain? Fortunately, girls these days are busy for studies or work, and can choose to not reflect so much on the failure in their romantic relationships since life is busy enough, and to sigh or sob about it wastes time. Intelligence suffices, why dread to become a member of ‘life-winners’? Maybe we can daydream your ideal lover, and then the truth is by chance, there is someone, who gets you to have butterflies in your stomach but in the beautiful sense, and this person dose have those certain criteria that you require. Time passes, gradually there are feelings developed between the two persons, and so the ‘nobody’ becomes your ‘somebody’. In truth, destiny in most cases is only a myth.

 

我都覺得不只愛情,其實會不會是所有的人都不喜歡自己,因為我太負面了?我連哭也覺得是犯罪,我又會回到我覺得我生存是罪的想法上面,多可悲。釋懷這方面,要對所有人和事釋懷,就是我天天在要求自己做到,卻又做不到的難題。為甚麼老是覺得自己好卑微,好煩,好不討好呢?這樣的我,下一步做甚麼好呢?好苦惱。

I feel that besides the matter of romance, would it be that everyone hate me because I always bring negativity to the scene? I feel like it is a sin to cry, and I would keep coming back to the thought that my existence is wrong, how frustrating! To be relieved from all the people and things, this is exactly the thing that I demand myself to do each day, and the thing which I could not fulfil properly. Why do I keep finding myself feeling inferior, annoying, and not attractive enough? Seeing myself like this, what should I do next then? Such a pain.

 

43-160314152517

我只知道,自己被甩也應該是無可避免,是我的病剛好成就了一個拋棄我的絕世好時機。 那位想要扔下我,就算我做得再好,身心再健康,他總會可以找到他的方法去將我趕走。我當然有做一般女生會做的事,求他回來,想要他回覆我的電話和短訊,想他兌現永不離開我的承諾。不用腦袋想也知道,我只得到冷淡,嫌棄,失望,背叛,我去自殺,還說,我應該去自己好好超顧自己呢。我的生死對他來說也不算是甚麼了。為什麼我以前會為他去跪下禱告,求用我擁有的去換給他所想要的呢?這樣去擔心他的我可真夠笨。但純粹想說,我會談戀愛的機會的確被有病這事實降低了,不是零,不過好微好微, 現實就是如此。我還未有失去理智,有關考試,上學,平時工作,要保持運動等等的事,我一邊失戀,也有一邊在計劃的。不竟,我還要做別的事,生活要過,所以忙就不會去想被甩了。

I should have known that being dumped is an unavoidable fate, and being sick creates the perfect timing for me to become the dumped subject. The one who dumped, I should know that he would dump me in using any methods, even if I was in fact of good mental and physical health and behaved well. Of course I did all the things that an ordinary girl did, begging him for his return, wishing that he would reply my calls and messages, hoping that he would not cancel out his promises. Even a brainless person can foresee that in return, all I got was being treated coldly, being despised, got disappointed, feeling betrayed, and all he said was that I should take good care of myself when he learnt about my suicide, and I discover that my life or my death mean nothing to him now. Why was I so stupid, praying on my knees, wishing that I could use what I have, in order to exchange for what he wanted? Why I devoted so much time worrying for him? Just to say, the possibility that I can ever fall in love from now on is greatly reduced factually, with a figure which is not zero, but so low, low enough that I can sigh to the harsh reality that lies ahead of me. After all, I still have other stuff to do. Live still goes on, keeping myself busy is the key to not remember I got dumped.

 

 

如果你問我,當我看到身邊好友都拍拖順順利利,恩恩愛愛,反而自己卻成了一個被甩的失敗者,我會妒忌嗎,還是會好好接受自己沒有愛情呢?我會說兩者皆是。會妒忌別人的好,像做學生時妒忌另一個同學考試比我高分,長大了就妒忌別人事業比我好,拍拖失敗也會妒忌別人,其實同一道理。我太愛勝利吧,是不是愛情真的沒有可能分勝負呢?是不是被甩不代表我成了失敗者呢?維持在愛情和我沒關係的狀態也好,不用再冒險會被甩,但就會繼續妒忌別人。我就是一個好矛盾的人。

If you were to ask me, seeing my friends all are happily and sweetly in love, whereas I am a loser who got dumped, would I be jealous, or would I call it ok to not get to fall in love again? I would answer that both are correct. As a student, there is the jealousy against another student who gets higher marks than me, then jealous of people who perform better at workplace than I do, so for a failed relationship, the same logic applies. I love winning so so much, and may be I should not have wondered whether there are a winner and a loser in a relationship? Maybe I don’t actually become a loser by being dumped? It sounds good that I will bear no risks of being dumped again by isolating myself from romance, but on the other hand, I will be jealous of the others who are happily in love . This is me, what a  contradictory person.

 

想像你的另一半有非暴力的心理問題,你認為你能處理她的行動去制止她傷害自己,還要和她一起過她的壞時光,保持冷靜,不會對她持續的負面態度感到煩厭嗎?就都看你有多愛她吧。

Imagine your other half has mental problems but which are not violent, but do you think you can handle her acts to stop her from harming herself, and then to go through all her bad times with her, staying calm instead of feeling annoyed about her continual negative attitude? It all depends on how much you love her.

 

我們不能選擇父母是誰,所以可以的話都要努力跟他們關係良好,反而,戀愛對象和朋友就可選,選完又選。請珍惜這個禮拜四會來的中秋節吧。

We cannot choose our parents, so always try to be in good relationship with them if possible. Yet in contrast, we can choose lovers and friends again and again. Treasure the Mid-Autumn Festival which is to come this week on Thursday.

 

各位中秋節快樂。 Happy Mid-Autumn Festival.

 

❤️  Lala

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s