A singer who I really like once said, ‘feeling depressed is a sickness and is grey, feeling blue is a fate and is blue’. I like this description. If you are born to be pessimistic, then it is blue, it is your destiny which can also be so cool, yet depression is a sickness to be cured.
I cannot describe how much I wanna call myself as feeling blue rather than feeling depressed instead. I have been thinking about shutting down my blog for a few times, and each time when I wanted to do this, I would receive some encouragement from one or two readers telling me to keep writing, and the blog survives till today. Being so open with my mental problems recently creates stress for me: I could easily be labelled as a recoverer from whatever mental problems, causing people to step back from making friends with me, from being my bosses or colleagues, from dating me, or other kinds of fear which are all based on the rejection of establishing a relationship with me. Then the vicious cycle of questioning myself whether there is anyone who loves me goes round and round and round, and whether I should be guilty for anything or anyone also goes round and round, like that kiddy when you sing ‘the wheels on the bus go round and round’.
我無法描述我有多麼想叫自己為憂鬱，而不是抑鬱。我一直有好幾次想把博客關了，每次我想這樣做的時候，我都會收到一個或兩個讀者給我寫些鼓勵的話，告訴我要繼續寫，博客就生存到今天。我開放了談我的心理問題最近好像對我造成壓力：我可以很容易地被標籤為任何心理問題的康復者，引起人們不和我交朋友，嚇跑我的老闆或同事，想和我約會的人也後退一步，或基於其他種類的恐懼，人們都拒絕與我建立關係。我又惡性循環，質問自己一遍又一遍 (go round and round) 有沒有任何人愛我，一遍又一遍問我是否應該內疚，像小孩子唱的那首兒歌：「the wheels on the bus go round and round」。
My depression is said to have become bipolar, which I don’t see how. I demanded my psychiatrist to explain this to me, he said, my mood is now like the weather which is about to set off a great storm, so I am about to have a great breakdown, thanks to bipolar. Sometimes I really just ask him how dose he make his predictions about my reactions and emotions, but it ends up I don’t understand his explanations.
I still have very bad sleeping patterns: to be honest, sleeping causes me pressure sometimes, as I would have to face the next day to come. Sitting on my bed after crying and seeing myself with an unsatisfactory physical appearance, I feel like beginning to cry again. I am tired of everything, and after all, tired of myself. That feeling of looking at myself in the mirror and finding myself in disgust has begun, and to be honest, I am very scared, and eating makes me feel scared about myself in particular; I am so guilty about eating that I feel like I have bulimia whilst my family said rather I lost weight. In the end, I got to this point that I don’t know what I am doing, I don’t know what I am thinking, I don’t know what I am feeling, and I can’t sleep.