Embrace my contradiction 擁抱我的矛盾

I want to answer how I managed to put myself back on medical treatment, since I was giving up last week, as I shared in my old post, ‘I want to give up 我想放棄‘. So actually I did not plan to type a new post so soon, but fortunately, I could say that I had a good day . I took part in a dance performance, and I think it was not perfect of course, but at least it went well. I put up some photos on my Instagram as linked to my blog, feel free to have a quick look. By the way, having good mood means typing up a new post.

我想回應我是如何又讓自己再願意去繼續尋求醫療,因為我在舊帖文「I want to give up 我想放棄」本說了我不想再就醫的。所以,本來我並沒有打算這麼快就寫新帖文,但幸運的是,我可以說,我過得好。我參加了一個舞蹈表演,當然,我知道自己的表演不是完美的,但至少順利。我把一些照片放了在鏈接到我的博客的Instagram 【jen_omorhpia】,歡迎你瀏覽一下。順便說一句,有良好的情緒就是說我要寫新帖文了。


I have become a very contradictory person by essence, and this trait just got more and more serious since I got more and more severe with my mental problems. I used to be a very straight forward person, and today, I still do in some matters, and yet putting myself in dilemmas for so much of my time. I feel that I can criticise myself as being inflexible and stubborn. Yet, I found out the true me is the one who can either be positively described as straight forward in her talking, or either be negatively described as stubborn. Ok, am I speaking nonsense now already?



It is very hard for me to try to portray how my feelings play trick on me, but still, I will give it a try. So every nerve of mine knows that there are people who love me loads, and when this is a fact, I still feel that nobody loves me when I am feeling down. Let’s put it this way: I want to be loved, and even though by the factual reality there are people who love me, I am used to act as a bright and tough person; no one knows the true me.



I hate myself being so contradictory in thoughts and in acts, I hate that things get out of my control as in they are not completed according to my unwritten timetable. I want to be mentally sound, yet I want to be mentally sick as a means to protest all the hardship I bore all these past years. I want to go back to U.K. to study, yet I am scared to go back there all by myself. I like myself being a confident girl who can handle emotions and daily affairs orderly, and yet I don’t even have the mere confidence for teaching my kids at times when I feel that I am simply a useless person who cannot even take care of herself, so let alone teaching. There are many more contradictions like these.



Till one night, which was the night I wrote my previous post ‘I want to give up 我想放棄‘, I was getting the contradiction about wanting to live and wanting to die both at the same time. I wrote that post, then I started losing control at home, I wrote a will detailing how I would like my funeral to work out, and worse I wrote about my rejection to medical treatment and hid the medication from the eyes of my parents. Yet during that same night, I felt like I was a victim who did not deserve self-torturing acts but love and care from more and more people, or phrase it badly, ain’t I a qualified attention seeker?

直到有一天晚上,就是我寫了我舊帖子「I want to give up 我想放棄」的晚上,我得到的矛盾是,我希望在同一時間生存和死亡。我寫好了該帖子,然後我就開始在家中失去控制,我寫了一份遺囑,詳細說明我我對我的葬禮的要求,更糟的是我寫我拒絕就醫,並趁我父母不惟意,藏起我的藥物,不去服用。然而,在當天晚上,我覺得我是一個受害者,不應得到自虐行為,而是越來越多的人應給我愛和關心,或壞點的說法是,我不可以合格去成為一個渴望被關注的人吧?


The night after the first night, I shivered and sweated both at the same time physically, and I cried in guilt and in anger of being a depression patient; I do deserve to be ill, I don’t deserve to be ill. At last, I came to a moment I think at least one problem got solved, which is that by wanting to live and die at the same time, I favoured life in the end, I favoured medical treatment than not having it in the end.

那個晚上之後,身體同時顫抖和流汗,我為成為一名抑鬱症患者感到內疚和憤怒,同時的內疚和憤怒感令我哭了; 我的病是報應,我的病不是報應。最後,我來到一個時刻,我覺得至少一個問題得到有效解決方法,同一時間又想生又想死,我選了生非死,我要去繼續醫療。


I kind of realised I was sweating and shivering in my mum’s arm throughout the night, and then the sun rose again in the next morning, and I was ready to go and see my kids for English classes.



Perhaps life could be studied in such a simple way instead. Perhaps life was never complicated, and so as seeing my psychiatrist and taking my meds regularly. Financially it costs quite a lot, although not to the extent of being non-affordable, so at the very end, this is what I get out of my brain: like any patients in the world, now I am sick, I see a doctor and take my meds, and I stop doing so when I am all recovered.


❤️  Lala


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