Mastermind

Embrace my contradiction 擁抱我的矛盾

I want to answer how I managed to put myself back on medical treatment, since I was giving up last week, as I shared in my old post, ‘I want to give up 我想放棄‘. So actually I did not plan to type a new post so soon, but fortunately, I could say that I had a good day . I took part in a dance performance, and I think it was not perfect of course, but at least it went well. I put up some photos on my Instagram as linked to my blog, feel free to have a quick look. By the way, having good mood means typing up a new post.

我想回應我是如何又讓自己再願意去繼續尋求醫療,因為我在舊帖文「I want to give up 我想放棄」本說了我不想再就醫的。所以,本來我並沒有打算這麼快就寫新帖文,但幸運的是,我可以說,我過得好。我參加了一個舞蹈表演,當然,我知道自己的表演不是完美的,但至少順利。我把一些照片放了在鏈接到我的博客的Instagram 【jen_omorhpia】,歡迎你瀏覽一下。順便說一句,有良好的情緒就是說我要寫新帖文了。

ballet-beautiful-shoes-tumblr-Favim.com-1971409

 

I have become a very contradictory person by essence, and this trait just got more and more serious since I got more and more severe with my mental problems. I used to be a very straight forward person, and today, I still do in some matters, and yet putting myself in dilemmas for so much of my time. I feel that I can criticise myself as being inflexible and stubborn. Yet, I found out the true me is the one who can either be positively described as straight forward in her talking, or either be negatively described as stubborn. Ok, am I speaking nonsense now already?

我已由骨子裡,本質上,成為一個很矛盾的人,而因為我的心理問題開始日益嚴重,這種特質也越來越嚴重,可我本是一個非常直接的人。而今天,我仍然在某些方面是直接的,但我老是有好多時間把自己放在兩難的困境。我覺得我可以罵自己是不曉變通和固執。然而,我發現真的那個我,正面說就是說話也直接,不轉彎抹角的一個人,負面說的就是頑固。好吧,我現在是不是已經說話有點胡說呢?

 

It is very hard for me to try to portray how my feelings play trick on me, but still, I will give it a try. So every nerve of mine knows that there are people who love me loads, and when this is a fact, I still feel that nobody loves me when I am feeling down. Let’s put it this way: I want to be loved, and even though by the factual reality there are people who love me, I am used to act as a bright and tough person; no one knows the true me.

要去描述我的情緒如何捉弄我是一件難事,但我會盡量試試。就是我每條神經線都知道有好多人好愛我的,這是事實,但我情緒低落時就感到沒有任何人愛我。這樣說好了:我好想有人愛,就算事實上明明是有人愛我的,因為我習慣了扮成一個開朗,堅強的人,其實沒有人認識真正的那個我。

 

I hate myself being so contradictory in thoughts and in acts, I hate that things get out of my control as in they are not completed according to my unwritten timetable. I want to be mentally sound, yet I want to be mentally sick as a means to protest all the hardship I bore all these past years. I want to go back to U.K. to study, yet I am scared to go back there all by myself. I like myself being a confident girl who can handle emotions and daily affairs orderly, and yet I don’t even have the mere confidence for teaching my kids at times when I feel that I am simply a useless person who cannot even take care of herself, so let alone teaching. There are many more contradictions like these.

我恨自己在思想和行為上都這麼矛盾,我恨事情都不受我的控制,因為它們沒有按照我的不成文的時間表內被完成。我想在精神上得到健康,但我又想用精神上的病來抗議我以前承受在過去的日子中所受過的艱苦。我想回英國讀書,但我害怕我自己一個回去。我喜歡自己做一個有自信的女孩,可以有序的處理好情緒和日常事務,但我其實連教我的孩子們的信心都會有時沒有的,因為我覺得我只是一個甚至不能照顧自己的無用的人,所以更別說做教師了。我還有更多這樣的矛盾。

 

Till one night, which was the night I wrote my previous post ‘I want to give up 我想放棄‘, I was getting the contradiction about wanting to live and wanting to die both at the same time. I wrote that post, then I started losing control at home, I wrote a will detailing how I would like my funeral to work out, and worse I wrote about my rejection to medical treatment and hid the medication from the eyes of my parents. Yet during that same night, I felt like I was a victim who did not deserve self-torturing acts but love and care from more and more people, or phrase it badly, ain’t I a qualified attention seeker?

直到有一天晚上,就是我寫了我舊帖子「I want to give up 我想放棄」的晚上,我得到的矛盾是,我希望在同一時間生存和死亡。我寫好了該帖子,然後我就開始在家中失去控制,我寫了一份遺囑,詳細說明我我對我的葬禮的要求,更糟的是我寫我拒絕就醫,並趁我父母不惟意,藏起我的藥物,不去服用。然而,在當天晚上,我覺得我是一個受害者,不應得到自虐行為,而是越來越多的人應給我愛和關心,或壞點的說法是,我不可以合格去成為一個渴望被關注的人吧?

 

The night after the first night, I shivered and sweated both at the same time physically, and I cried in guilt and in anger of being a depression patient; I do deserve to be ill, I don’t deserve to be ill. At last, I came to a moment I think at least one problem got solved, which is that by wanting to live and die at the same time, I favoured life in the end, I favoured medical treatment than not having it in the end.

那個晚上之後,身體同時顫抖和流汗,我為成為一名抑鬱症患者感到內疚和憤怒,同時的內疚和憤怒感令我哭了; 我的病是報應,我的病不是報應。最後,我來到一個時刻,我覺得至少一個問題得到有效解決方法,同一時間又想生又想死,我選了生非死,我要去繼續醫療。

wind-turbine-farm

I kind of realised I was sweating and shivering in my mum’s arm throughout the night, and then the sun rose again in the next morning, and I was ready to go and see my kids for English classes.

我有種意識到我當時同是顫抖和汗流浹背了整個夜晚,我在我媽媽的懷抱裏,然後太陽在第二天早上再次上升的定律不變,我又要準備去教小孩子英語了。

 

Perhaps life could be studied in such a simple way instead. Perhaps life was never complicated, and so as seeing my psychiatrist and taking my meds regularly. Financially it costs quite a lot, although not to the extent of being non-affordable, so at the very end, this is what I get out of my brain: like any patients in the world, now I am sick, I see a doctor and take my meds, and I stop doing so when I am all recovered.

也許生命可以這樣簡單的被審視。或許生活從來沒有複雜過,包括看醫生和定時服用吃藥。金錢費用上,雖然還未去到不能負擔的價格,要醫治真花費了不少,所以在最後,這就是我的大腦的結論:像世界上任何一個病人,現在我生病了,我去看醫生,並吃藥,待都恢復好,就停止這樣做。

❤️  Lala

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