Mastermind

I want to give up 我想放棄

giveup

Perhaps by now, it is only He who is up there who knows how I truly feel, and I wanna give up. No more human beings understand my pain, my parents said I look comfy sitting on my sofa when they have no idea how much pain I am feeling inside my heart. I just found a way to describe this: so you tie a knot to your heart using a needle and a string, like how you would sew something, and there is a knot which is tied to your heart, under your skin, but someone uses all his strength to pull your heart out, try to get your heart to break out of your skin just by his mere act of pulling on that string to his body. This is what my heart feels right now, at this second exactly. I feel like I have no guts to give up on my life, but I also have no guts to put myself together. I just can’t feel happy, if you want tears, pass me a bucket and I will cry in order to supply you with as many drops of tears as you would have wanted.

也許現在,只有在天上的那位祂才知道我真的感覺,知道我想放棄。沒有人可了解我的痛苦,我的父母說,我看起來就是很舒適的坐在沙發上,他們並不知道我我的心臟裡面,那種痛的感覺。我找到了一個方法來描述這東西:就像你縫東西那般,你用針和線,在你的心臟綁一個結,你皮膚下的心臟有一個打好了的結,但有人使用他所有的力量,去拿着線,拉你的心臟出來,盡量讓你的心臟拉到他的身體,試著讓你的心臟甚至穿過了你的皮膚都要離開身體。這就是我在這一秒,現在此刻的感覺。我覺得我沒有膽量放棄我的生命,但我也沒有膽量叫自己面對現實。我只是覺得不開心,如果你想要眼淚,遞給我一個水桶,我會一直流淚,去供給你無數滴淚水。

 

I try hard to be a role model to tell people to seek treatment, but really, I have always wanted to give up, and I might really, truly give up this time as I don’t see how things would eventually work out; my faith has been worn out by time already. I might sound or look tough facing my mental problems, but the true fact is I wish death can put an end to this so I don’t have to encounter any further problems, one of which being I don’t even know what I truly want and do not want. Strangely enough, for now, I find death scary, even though it would be a good solution.

我努力嘗試成為一個榜樣,告訴人們要尋求治療,但說真的,我一直想放棄,我也許真的,這個時候真正放棄治療,因為我看不到這病最終會好;我的信心已經被時間耗盡,乾旱了。我聽起來或是看起來可能好像能硬朗地面對我的心理問題,但真正的事實是,我想死以杜絕我再不需要遇到任何進一步的困難,其中一個問題就是,我甚至不知道我真正想要和不想要的是甚麼。奇怪的是,就目前而言,我覺得死亡是可怕的,即使這是解決問題的一個很好的方法。

 

I hate myself to have mental problems, I hate myself to have mental problems so I could not finish my studies on time, I hate myself to have mental problems so I got dumped, I hate myself to have mental problems so I discover I have a mixture of complex feelings, both loving and hating my parents, I hate myself to have mental problems so I lost all my self-confidence, but to act like I am fine in front of people, and lastly, I really hate myself to have mental problems so I am always repeating things that I have said.

我恨自己有精神問題,我恨自己有精神方面的問題,所以我不能按時完成我的學業;我恨自己有精神方面的問題,所以我就被男生拋棄了;我恨自己有精神方面的問題,所以我發現我有一個複雜的混合情感,就是對我的父母又愛又恨;我恨自己有精神方面的問題,使我失去了我所有的自信,但我在人前會裝作我很好;最後,我恨自己有精神方面的問題,所以我總是重複我說過的事情。

 

In conclusion, I just really hate myself, and I have no more patience for myself.

最後,我真的很恨我自己,我也對自己沒有更多的耐心了。

 

Wish you never have to become like me.

祝你永遠也不會像我一樣。

🙍🏻  Lala

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