Perhaps by now, it is only He who is up there who knows how I truly feel, and I wanna give up. No more human beings understand my pain, my parents said I look comfy sitting on my sofa when they have no idea how much pain I am feeling inside my heart. I just found a way to describe this: so you tie a knot to your heart using a needle and a string, like how you would sew something, and there is a knot which is tied to your heart, under your skin, but someone uses all his strength to pull your heart out, try to get your heart to break out of your skin just by his mere act of pulling on that string to his body. This is what my heart feels right now, at this second exactly. I feel like I have no guts to give up on my life, but I also have no guts to put myself together. I just can’t feel happy, if you want tears, pass me a bucket and I will cry in order to supply you with as many drops of tears as you would have wanted.
I try hard to be a role model to tell people to seek treatment, but really, I have always wanted to give up, and I might really, truly give up this time as I don’t see how things would eventually work out; my faith has been worn out by time already. I might sound or look tough facing my mental problems, but the true fact is I wish death can put an end to this so I don’t have to encounter any further problems, one of which being I don’t even know what I truly want and do not want. Strangely enough, for now, I find death scary, even though it would be a good solution.
I hate myself to have mental problems, I hate myself to have mental problems so I could not finish my studies on time, I hate myself to have mental problems so I got dumped, I hate myself to have mental problems so I discover I have a mixture of complex feelings, both loving and hating my parents, I hate myself to have mental problems so I lost all my self-confidence, but to act like I am fine in front of people, and lastly, I really hate myself to have mental problems so I am always repeating things that I have said.
In conclusion, I just really hate myself, and I have no more patience for myself.
Wish you never have to become like me.