It was Monday that I just saw my psychiatrist and my problems remain complex and unresolved. I asked him if he could utilise his medical talent to make me heal sooner, of course he said he couldn’t do that. Didn’t he promise me one year would be sufficient to get me all healed? I remember I even noted this in my old post, ‘Seeing a psychiatrist 看精神科醫生‘.
週一，我去看了我的精神科醫生，我的問題仍然複雜和未解決。我問他，如果他能利用他的醫學才能，使我更快地康復就好了，當然他說他沒能力這樣做。他不是答應我一年就足以讓我到完全康復嗎？我還記得我在我的舊文章「Seeing a psychiatrist 看精神科醫生」中提及過這一點。
How would you react if you were me, being told that actually by the end of this year I might still not be completely cured, but your psychiatrist who had been seeing you for half a year already said that since you were already better, you could go back to your life abroad without seeing him on a regular basis, and strangely enough, you would survive? So I told him to stop playing evil at me, and my common sense says not being cured but still got told that I’m able to live alone abroad, is just totally nonsense. He said things don’t always turn out to be explainable, and I am a difficult case to deal with. I got a bit mad, and questioned him if I made it into the most 10 or 20 difficult patients to deal with list yet, and he said no, but told me this did not make me a simple case to treat. Ok, I managed to stay calm and talked slowly and softly, but it was in no way to be described as a merry meeting. I ended up asking him, was he fooling me around without acting on my best interest, and hadn’t I been a very cooperative patient since the very beginning?
I read a little about ‘borderline personality disorder’ (BPD). This kind of people want to stay safe in a way that they want to reject interacting with others, so that they will not have the possibility to experience heart-broken or any painful feelings mentally – they are afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of being abandoned too, especially since not so long ago I have become so negative about romance. With no doubt, the fear of being abandoned by those who are blood-related to me is doubled that of the fear of being dumped by a particular person.
我閱讀了一些關於「邊緣型人格障礙」（BPD）的刊物。這種人希望保障自己的心理安全，所以他們拒絕與他人互動，使他們不會有去體驗心碎或任何痛苦的感情的這個可能性 – 他們害怕被拋棄。我也好害怕被拋棄，尤其是因為就在不久前，我就開始對愛情感到很負面。毫無疑問，若是有血緣關係的人拋棄我，這份恐懼就比由一個特定的人棄置加倍可怕。
Sometimes I have some unreasonable thoughts about abandonment, let’s say, we tell pet-owners not to abandon their pets but to take care their pets for life, right? However, the act of mental abandonment of one human by another human dose not even require a proper justification, at least for the majority of time.
To be honest, I find out I need to decide for myself, because I find my psychiatrist speaking of stuff that I don’t see as logical or for my best interest, and I ought to reach for a more complex life. Simplicity is beautiful, but in practice, it cannot last forever, for I need more income, more self-satisfaction from studies and work, although kids have always lightened up my negative world over these past few months.
Not to go into extreme thoughts, I come to think of my friend, who has once suggested that I could have begun to write something that I am looking forward to in the future in my post, and he is right as this shall give me hope. Those who are close to me may be already sensing what I am getting at by this moment: I could have listened to my parents to quit my master degree, not returning to university to finish it off, then I can live a simpler life, so basically a life that should be close to my current state. I can remain as an English tutor teaching kiddy level English, and as a helper for those kids at my volunteering place. Another friend of mine also said to me one morning that she thinks I am living such an enriching life in having these regular activities: I have a part-time teaching job, I dance and do other physical exercises, I see loved ones frequently, I volunteer.
Most people who I am close with tell me to avoid the opposite complex life, the one of which may be my genuine life-long profession – yes, I am talking about law. Having always been a workaholic student since I was a kid, shouldn’t I strive to become a qualified lawyer? Now that other English tutors and even one of my 2 bosses at my workplace know a little about my mental issues, I am glad that they did not opt for discrimination against me, or maybe it is because I am over qualified and they want me to stay? They have told parents that they had a law graduate teaching English, I guess my degree kind of protects me from any possible nasty comments spilling out of their mouths. My current colleagues suggested to me that maybe I should stop being so ambitious in terms of my career perspective. They know that I am still in greed for a lawyer qualification, and I have never hidden my intention of quitting this part-time teaching job by the end of this year, so that I can go back to complete my master. So let’s imagine if I choose the more complex life, which means, I accept a future of getting inhuman long working hours, be part of the office politics of a law firm, and for sure no time for that many exercises or volunteering.
All those who love me dearly almost simultaneously expressed the same view: by choosing the latter, just by taking that first step to return to university, I already put myself at risk as this could bring me towards a future relapse, not to mention the worst where I may be putting my life at stake if I lose self-control and want to the seek suicide, triggered by academic or work related pressure, and I would be all by myself. Maybe people would ask me to seek advice from my psychiatrist, but over these last few weeks, I just could not come to any agreements with him except we both insist on going back for master studies, so I think I will confirm my return for now. Not sure was it his so-called sense of humour, he said I have pretty good survival ability and so I will live being on my own again. Ok, we shall see.
I am so blessed that people express their concern about my mental health out of good will, but the blessed me has to face difficulties in the end anyways: being a mentally sick person dose not justify myself from refraining to arrive at a harder career goal. My depression and bipolar have taught me the essence of patience, since I have been unable to control my thoughts at all since the end of 2015 till May 2016. From time to time I still went for some insane actions, and the excitement of self-harming could almost be described as enjoyable; now, I know I don’t succeed my postgraduate studies at the first attempt, I just have to keep trying till I get to that stage.
Is this called stubbornness? I only know that up to this second, I will try to be as determined as possible, to choose complexity over simplicity. In other words, yes, I am going back to university for January 2017.
Enough about me. Even I was suicidal, now I bother to push myself to encounter crazy hardship in life again, so can the mentally troubled kids and adults. If you suspect someone demonstrating traces of mental problems, get them to find a psychiatrist please, for they would be cured. PM the Facebook page of my blog if you need more information. Just to say, however I am discontent with my psychiatrist, I have never ever let myself not go back to my appointments, and I have for every single time taken all my medicine on time.