Since I did not die by walking into the sea the other day (see ‘The failed suicide attempt 自殺未遂‘), I am back to blogging again.
由於我步入海的那天自殺未遂，（見「The failed suicide attempt 自殺未遂」），我又回來再寫博客文章了。
Even I would have to say I am not feeling so well this week comparing to how I was last 2 weeks, it is still worth mentioning that by today, I think I have almost revealed to nearly anyone that I know in my life, perhaps even those who I don’t even meet in person but maybe on social media that in fact, I have mental problems, of which I was shameful about, and then now I feel OK to let the world know should someone ask me if I am mentally ill.
There was a day I was hanging out with my friends, and we had to pick up a card in turn in a card game, and the card would direct us to play a kind of ‘truth or dare’ game. I turned them into silence for 2 times, as if I was destined to get those 2 cards. There was a card which dared me to act like a mentally sick person. I said that I am already one, I don’t even need to act, just look at me and here you go, the mentally sick person. The all 4 of them became silent, and the game went on. Then one other card I got asked me to talk about one recent thing which was touching for me. I answered that it would be I was still alive playing this game with them without getting properly drowned in the sea that day; again, silence seemed to knock my friends off. They were trying to be careful with my feelings, but really, I wanna say that it is no big deal anymore for me to admit I am one of those ‘crazy’ people you wanna associate with, although you will find me just a very negative person instead.
Not only I am reiterating to you that I have mental problems today, I decide to go deeper and answer the question which was almost asked by everyone, ‘do you know what are the possible reasons which may have caused your mental problems (from depression, anxiety, bipolar etc.)?’ I think I know the principle cause now, besides those general causes such as academic and work stress, the perfectionist personality, the anxious attitude in general, and so on. I shall be honest and probably offensive to some extent towards certain people in this post, but I promise I am not lying about the facts that I will be talking about, for exposing what some people did – I am just striving to find the root of my illness and then see if I can dig the damn root out from the bottom of my heart.
我不僅是要今天再次向你重複說我精神有問題，我決定更深入的說，並回答這幾乎每個人都問我的這個問題，「你知道是什麼可能因素造成你的心理問題（抑鬱症，焦慮，狂躁症等）？」除了那些一般的原因，如學習和工作壓力，完美主義的性格，一般焦慮的態度等等，我想我現在知道主因了。我說實話可能會對某些人在一定程度上有所冒犯，但我保證我不會說謊，而我將談論和揭露一些人所做過的事 – 我只是努力尋找我的病根，然後看看能不能從我的心臟底部挖起這該死的根源。
I read a book recently which was a follow-up of the book I once recommended when i first started my blog ὈμορφιάOmorhpia (please see ‘There is a gift called pain有一種禮物叫痛苦‘). So ‘There is a gift called pain 2’ is out. One thing which was written in the book really has moved me. One very beautiful thing about the deceased author, Constance was that she could face her rare cancer very directly and honestly, which was noted by the author, Nicolas in the second book. Do you know that many cancer patients try to lie to themselves that they weren’t diagnosed with cancer, and may reject getting treatments, thinking that anyways the sun would still rise tomorrow? Of course the sun will rise each day, but this dose not mean that problems also disappear by themselves as the moon comes out at night. This is particularly common among mentally ill peeps: who would want to be tagged with a mental problem? Don’t we always associate crazy acts with mentally ill people, um…let’s say, you think about that joker in Batman movies. That’s not me, and that’s not most of the mentally ill people are like, just so you know. The best side of me is probably on my instagram [jen_omorhpia], and I am going to honestly tell you about my dark side.
我最近看了一本書，這是我曾經在我剛開始寫我的博客 ὈμορφιάOmorhpia推薦過的一本書的後續（見「There is a gift called pain有一種禮物叫痛苦」）。「有一種禮物叫痛苦2」出版了。這本書裏所寫的一件事讓我好感動。關於以逝世的作者，Constance，她所做的一件非常美麗的事情是，她能非常直接坦率地面對她罕見的癌症，這是由作者 Nicholas 在第二本書指出的。你知道許多癌症患者其實嘗試騙自己，告訴自己沒有患有癌症，並可能會拒絕治療，以為反正太陽仍然會在明天照常升起嗎？當然，太陽每一天都升起的，但是這並不代表因為月亮在夜晚會出來，問題也會跟著自行消失的。這種事於精神病患者中也超級常見：誰願意被標記有心理問題？難道我們不是總是將精神病人與瘋狂行為聯繫起來，嗯……比方說，你想起在蝙蝠俠電影的那個小丑。只是你要知道，那小丑不是我，也不是大多數的精神病患者。我最好的一面可能就是在我的Instagram [jen_omorhpia] 吧，我現在就要誠實地告訴你我黑暗的一面。
Now I give my summary of my past. So in short, I had some failed suicide attempts and frequent suicidal thoughts, I could cry from day to night, cried myself to bed, random phobia about certain noises and objects, unable to be alone but managed to wear a ‘mask’ and smiled in front of everyone, self-isolation if possible, unable to stop myself from producing negative thoughts, some kind of persecution mania, no motivation for everything and anything, no longer able to focus on anything, almost lost self-control in front of the public. I lost all my self-confidence, and I remember only accusations from others, only able to recall negative memories. If going back to just around 2 to 3 weeks ago when I was to attend exams, I seemed to have experienced panic attacks. (See ‘All is uncertain 一切都不確定‘)
現在我給我的過去做個總結。我有一些失敗的自殺行為和頻繁自殺的念頭，我可以從白天哭到晚上，我哭到睡著，對某些噪音和對象隨機的有著恐懼症，無法獨處，但設法戴上「面具」，用微笑去見每個人，如果可能的話就自我孤立，無法阻止自己生產消極的想法，又有被害罔想症似的，沒有動力去做任何事情，不再能夠專注於任何東西，幾乎在公眾場合失去了自我控制。我失去了我所有的自信，我只能記得別人的指責，只能回憶起負面記憶。如果回去2至3個星期前，當我去參加考試，我似乎已經經歷了自發性的驚恐發作 (見「All is uncertain 一切都不確定」)。
I somehow find out how I fell ill could actually be explainable. Firstly, the contrast of the very loving childhood against an insecure and fearful teenagehood. When I was a baby and a toddler, I always lived with my aunt’s family, with my aunt being my mum’s elder sister who took care of me most of the time, because my mum was out there busy at work. As a housewife, my aunt gave birth to 4 kids who were my older cousins, and I could still recall many moments of simple joy. One day, the father of these 4 kids, meaning my uncle came home to give the youngest son and me each a puffy Doraemon doll, the two daughters of my aunt who are of much older age than me would introduce to the toddler me nail polish, red lipsticks, and sometimes, one of them took their youngest brother and me to cinema to watch animated movies. The youngest son would often play toys with me and we cycled a lot together. I must be the most blessed child on Earth that what I have are not just an aunt and some cousins, but a second mum and four siblings.
I did not understand even today, why since my childhood, my mum would describe me in a way to say that I owed my aunt’s family, for being a noisy baby crying extremely loudly in at her home the past. When I questioned my mum recently, she said she did not mean so even back in the past, and I wonder if it was because I had another problem with my receptor in terms of thinking due to my sickness or what? I never seem to understand myself or people around me properly. I could name another example. So my mum once said that the older son of my aunt would have got better grades in the open exam if not for my nuisance. The naive me told my aunt, and my aunt said it was rather my mum giving her a chance to have some extra money each month as my mum paid her each month a sum, almost like a salary for thanking my aunt to have to take care of me; my aunt said this sum contributed to ease her financial hardship back then, so she said there was no such thing of me owing her or her children.
Time flew and I was put to study abroad once after I finished my primary school studies in Hong Kong, and I became a student of an all girls boarding school in the U.K. I was there, all by myself, did not know much English, witnessing girls gossiping and bullying people, became a sufferer of serious eczema, with my head down as I walked around the school most of the time. I was forced to grow up, and the worst out of the worst, I had to live with a home-stay family from time to time, who mentally abused me, whether they realised it or not.
I witnessed how the mother of 3 daughters fell sick physically, and so I naturally had to take in her random criticisms about me whenever she liked to speak such kind of words. I was there between the age of 12 to about 14 years old. I witnessed how she had a sense of hatred against her husband, an arrogant man who loved to host his male friends feasts so often that his wife had to cook for all these people unwillingly – would you want to cook if you were diagnosed with cancer? The eldest daughter was said to be so busily in love with a guy that she was never home, and the other 2 daughters never spoke a word to me, but always speaking among themselves in their British accent, and lived their lives as if there was nothing bad going on in the lives of their parents. Their parents had this business that they offered delivery service of stocks of cold meats to different restaurant owners, and they would not allow me to be alone at their home, but made me follow them to do their delivery work; I wonder why my Dad paid them for taking care of me. I wonder why this happened to me, why the mother would give me instant noodles and just an egg as my meal whilst her husband was not home, got me sitting in the corner, but she and her two daughters eating proper dishes and steamed rice placed on a dining table.
我親眼目睹了3個女兒的媽媽怎麼生病，所以我自然只好接受她對我隨機般的批評，只要她喜歡講，我就聽。我12歲到約14歲也會要時不時住在那。我親眼目睹了她怎麼仇恨她的丈夫。她的丈夫是一個傲慢的人，老喜歡邀請他的男性朋友來家作客吃大餐，所以他的妻子不情願也常要做飯給這些人吃- 如果你被診斷為癌症病人，你會願意做飯嗎？聽說大女兒是一個忙於戀愛的女生，從來不回家，另外有兩個女兒，從來沒有跟我說上過話，但總是在她們之間用她們的英國口音私聊，過着好像父母的生活並沒有壞事情般的自我生活。他們的父母有這樣的一個生意，就是提供不同的餐館老闆送遞凍肉的服務，而他們不會讓我在他們家獨自留下，但讓我跟著他們工作去; 我不知道為什麼我爸爸付錢給他們去照顧我。我不知道為什麼這些都發生在我身上，為什麼那位媽媽趁她的丈夫不在家時，會給我方便麵和一個雞蛋作為我的晚飯，讓我坐在角落裡，但她和她的兩個女兒吃放在餐桌上的餸菜和米飯。
I complained over the phone to my parents who were at the other side of the world , and what I got was accusation, ‘why don’t you show sympathy towards her cancer but moaned about your own feelings instead?’ Then I became the mean and inconsiderate child in the eyes of adult. I became more and more afraid each day of the mother, in the fear that she might turn mad and throw me out of her house in the cold winter time, then me without a roof in the snow. There are many more stories about them, but I don’t want to write a one million word essay so I would just write one last story about them.
My eczema stayed with me, tears ran down my face when their family was sleeping, and here came a day the father made up a story about me not returning to their place at night one day, funny enough, he said it was because I went clubbing and became a very bad kid. He called my parents up who echoed him, and only at the very end, they found out and accepted that the truth was that I got on a wrong train by mistake on my way back, and by the time I wanted to return in time, it was too late with no more transports running.
Since then, I started to want to become a Christian as I would pray and pose questions after questions to God. I asked God if He understands all the pain and scars across my heart and how much I was undergoing. One vivid example was how my parents, although out of genuinely good intention, kept on doing things that harmed me mentally but thinking they got things so right: for I was nothing but just a kid who could not even understand much English to start with. I said to God, I should have known long long ago that no humans are trust-worthy, except You who are up there, but so far away from me even I know the word ‘Emmanuel'(God with us).
My boarding school life turned so much worse during the last 2 years at another high school, I guessed it was also because of ‘Emmanuel’ that I lived through those 2 years. I always get accusations from teachers, e.g. I was told to be a student who damaged my school’s reputation for my bad result at public exam, before I retook the exam and returned my school with an A Grade. As for boarding house staff, they always told me off for no reasons, I never understand why they wanted to bully me mentally even today.
去了另一所寄宿學校就讀高中的最後兩年，我的生活變得更壞了，我猜是因為「以馬內利」我才能過渡那兩年。我總是得到老師的責罵，如在我重考，還給我的學校Grade A 前，老師會指責我，我在公共考試成績差，我損害了我學校的聲譽。宿舍的職員總是不明不白的責罵我，而到今天，我也從來不明白為什麼她們要選上我，在精神上欺負我。
I finally realise, I was always a kid who got wrongful accusations from those who are of an elder generation to me, being blamed for things they saw me as the wrongdoer in their eyes; I swallowed all accusations, but never was able to absorb them and moved on, because this is not justifiable. I was not the wrongdoer for things they blamed me for.
I arrived at university, where for the first time after so many years at 2 boarding schools, I smelled the air of freedom, and lived in freedom. When most university students loved to rent a place to live with their friends, I had the best time ever when I lived alone in a studio.
I never dare to be so honest in talking about my hatred against my parents, for I had once experienced my friend’s mother telling me that my parents were simply doing what most parents would do. I knew that the whole wide world would tell me not to openly show my discontent against what my parents did in the past, because normally the world expects the child to be thankful towards their parents.
So I once asked my psychiatrist if I had schizophrenia, for I am always on two extreme sides. For one moment, I love my parents who would not give up on getting me to medical treatments to stop killing myself, and they would bear the pressure of witnessing all my crazy self-harming acts, time after time. For another moment, I hate them, as I feel like an orphan in Les Misérables to have to live a life which I did not like – I hate living with other students or my host family so much that in the past. When I was upset during my high school life, I would look at the calendar, counting down days till I could next return to Hong Kong for holidays, so I would still have motivation to live and to strive for getting good grades.
所以我曾經問我的精神科醫生，我會不會有精神分裂症，因為我總是在兩個極端徘徊。有時，我愛我的父母，就只有他們不會放棄我，帶我去得到醫療去停止殺害自己，又要經歷去目睹我不時的所有瘋狂的自殘行為，很大壓力吧。可有時，我恨他們，因為我覺得有點像在「悲慘世界」的孤兒 – 我討厭與其他同學或我的寄宿家庭生活，所以在過去。當我在我的高中生活不高興時，我會看看月曆，倒數著還有多少天就到我能在回港放假的那天，所以我仍然有活下去和爭取獲得好的學業成績的動力。
Now comes the worst of me: to be honest, although I hear the sea telling me that it is of no danger to step deeper and deeper into the water that day I was seeking my suicide, the main reason I really wanted to end my life was because I saw my mum watching me at the shore, and I wanted to punish her for witnessing the entire process of me drowning myself to death, and for my Dad, he shall only see my corpse in the end. They shall live in guilt for losing their only daughter. When I saw the sea in the past, it always loved to wave at me and invited me to get into the water, but I never knew why. Today, I know that this is because I am such an ATTENTION SEEKER who in an unreasonable manner put my life at stake to gamble for the fact that my parents would finally loved me in the right way, not their own way. Then I hoped that my aunt and her family would love me more and never get tired of me being sick and crying day after day, and lastly to get my friends missing me after my death. This was described as my ‘hostility’ by my psychiatrist, who suggested that I am to think about if death is the final goal of my life or not.
The night of my failed suicide attempt, I on purpose wanted to make known to two persons in particular to learn about my suicidal act, with one not bothering about my death, the person of whom I grieved about, with one crazy week crying over him. I guess he stopped caring about whether I would live on or not since the day he dumped me due to my mental problems; I call this discrimination against mentally ill persons. I already mean nothing to him, and I cannot say I wish he finds someone who would be better than me, for I admit that I can’t be forgiving at this moment, since I never agree that being mentally sick making me being dumped an justifiable consequence. There is this other person who was as I have predicted, made the decision of telling me, ‘let’s stay as friends’.
I have become brave enough to put my life to gamble for the love from others, however stupid this is. In fact, I am very pleased with myself. I have been a coward for just bearing with everything that I disliked in the past 11 years, saying that ‘I am sorry’ whenever I received accusations by those who were just mentally bullying me, did not stop myself from seeing people that I disliked, and stayed sheepish. Now nothing poses fear to me, for I don’t even fear death, as long as death will in return give me ‘love’, let me become a successful attention seeker. The world will say that I should feel sorry for my parents for having such logic to put them at guilt, but the world did not understand how the adults from time to time spoke abusive words to toy around my mind, besides many others who were once my friends, once my lovers. I hope medication can stop me from feeling this way, for my common sense tells me using my life as a chip of gambling is an extremely stupid thing to do.
My conclusion: normally words do not kill, but they kill when the listener has mental problems, a listener like me. To remain honest, I admit that I have become so much more vulnerable to people’s comments, the word ‘over-sensitive’ would not be sufficient to describe my feelings.
Of course I thought about giving up on medical treatments, but since I always repeat and repeat in my post that people should see a psychiatrist right away when they don’t feel quite OK, I feel that I also have to see my psychiatrist again and again, so I have grounds to keep advocating as a mental health awareness blogger. The fact that I put myself into this blogging mission, I am to be the role model to stand firm to say there is hope and people who need me: I never missed any attendance of my sessions as the English tutor and as the volunteer.
Some prayers for me please if you bother. Thanks for reading about the devil living in me. Being honest about my dark side is not easy.