I honestly thought I was not going to write anything more for this post after ‘If only… 如果。。。 ‘, because in fact that post was my will, should I not have failed to kill myself today.
在「If only… 如果。。。」裏說過，我真的以為我以後不會再寫任何東西了，因為事實上，要不是今天自殺未遂，那帖子就是我的遺書。
It started on Saturday the 13th August 2016: I had a great headache and I was tired of myself. I tried to dial 999 but got stopped by Dad, I used fan to hit my head till parts of it fell out, I wanted to hide inside the washing machine, I wanted to die or hit myself hard with hangers. I was back to the old me who was so scared of light, sleeping inside my wardrobe where it was both dark and confined providing me with great security. I remember I even lacked energy to climb myself to bed due to over-crying. I could not find useful stuff to harm myself, and eventually I resorted to write ‘If only… 如果。。。‘.
始於上週六2016年8月13日：我好頭痛，我好累了。我試著撥打999，但後來爸爸阻止了我，我用風扇來打我的頭，直到零件掉下來，我想躲在洗衣機內，我想死又或者用衣架打傷自己。我又回到了以前的我，害怕光線，在衣櫃裡睡覺又黑暗又狹窄，給我提供了極大的安全感。由於過度哭泣，我記得我甚至缺乏能量去自己爬上床。我找不到有用的東西去傷自己，最終我唯有去寫「If only… 如果。。。」。
14th August 2016: I still woke up as agreed to see 2 friends for a day trip out, and then just as we were queuing to get on a ferry, my tears bursted out like a waterfall. I kept crying, I asked, why someone could have done something to me which made me feel so bad that with my language ability, I am limited to truly describe how hurtful this was. Then as we were still on the ferry, I finally stopped crying all of a sudden, and I was even fine to spend a day with them.
Once I was home at around 9:30pm, things went mad again. I started hiding under the dining table where it was dark, and then I hit myself with the greatest strength using a stand-still fan on the floor; funny enough, the parts of the fan fell out before I could see blood on my head. I suddenly recalled all the unpleasant teenagehood plus current upsetting memories, and I got into an emotional breakdown where I desired suicide so greatly. Unsuccessful, after a few hours, all I got was disgust about myself, for I am not strong enough; I thought of another person, even though we aren’t truly that close, but I want to say goodbye, and a goodbye message was sent.’If only… 如果。。。‘ was my will; I had nothing, no money, just nothing. So all I wanted to express in my will was a proper apology, for anyone that I had ever bothered in my life, due to my notorious mental problems.
我在晚上9:30左右回到家，我又瘋了。我開始了藏到黑暗的餐桌下，然後我用地板上一台風扇，使出最大的力量，去打我自己; 好可笑，風扇的部分跌出之後，我都還未可以看到在我頭上有血。我忽然想起一切青少年加上近期的不愉快回憶，我就情緒失控，強烈希望自殺成功。可惜沒有成功，幾個小時後，我得到的是厭惡我自己，因為我不夠堅強; 我想起另一個人，儘管我們不是真正的那麼熟路，但我要說聲再見，這再見的訊息就發送出去了.「If only… 如果。。。」是我的遺書;我一無所有，沒有錢，什麼都沒有。因此，我想的就只是去表達一個適當的道歉，因為我臭名昭著的心理問題，對那些曾經生活被我打擾的人說對不起。
15th August 2016: there was nothing left desired from my heart, with the exception of death. I was supposed to have boxing and stretching classes, beauty treatment with my mum, for all these, I could not make it. I brought myself to the beach, and I looked at the sea, one step followed by another, step by step, I was going into the water more deeply as I walked down into the sea, and the more I cried crazily, the more I walked into the water. I wanted to enter heaven as soon as possible, I want to quit the constant desire of suicide by staying on this Earth; in fact, I don’t even know myself anymore except that I wanna die.
I kept walking and my guilt grew, encouraging me want to walk faster and faster into the water: I owe my kids English classes, my other kids behavioural controlling classes, I owe my parents, relatives, friends to have to face my negativity, for only if I were not sick, no one had to endure this so it was all my fault. I felt so wronged that I was said to have depression as a ‘fault’ of mine by someone who really harmed me to the guts; I left him a goodbye message for I knew I would never have to be troubled by this person again, who without any signs made me keep living in the guilt, and me to bear all the faults but for him, he justified himself for doing all those things to me. Again, when I have left the world, I can already senses that he would justify himself that he had left me in good time, for he did not have to witness my death – for the fact that I meant nothing to him . Of course, I also wanted to release my parents off the burden of taking care of me, for the fact I am an adult but they always had to prepare for my breakdowns.
我繼續往前走，我的內疚就增長，鼓勵我想走快點入水裏去：我欠我的孩子英語課，我欠我其他孩子的行為控制課，我欠我的父母，親戚，朋友，因他們不得不面對我的消極，只是如果我沒有生病的話，沒有會要忍受我，所以都是我的錯。我覺得很委屈，被一個真的傷害我好深的人把我有抑鬱症說成是我的錯誤; 我留了一個goodbye的訊息給他，因為我知道我永遠也不會要因這個人煩惱，這個沒有任何跡象就讓我活在內疚中，而我得承擔所有的錯誤，但對他來說，他辯解去合理化自己對我做的任何事。同樣，當我離開這個世界，我已經可以感覺到，他將自己辯解說，他是於好時機離開我呢，因為他就不用親眼目睹我的死亡 – 事實是，我對他來說甚麼都不是。當然，我也想釋放我的父母要照顧我的負擔，因為我是一個成年人，但他們總是要準備處理我的情緒失控。
I felt that I was going to succeed and leave this world for good, yet a team of life guards grabbed me back to the shore, and there was my mum, crying as I was crying. I knew I am such a burden to anyone who had to take care of me. I felt the sea inviting me, I don’t understand why the life guards would have spotted me there, and ended up telling me stuff like I don’t have disability, what was up that made me trying to end my life. Of course they would not understand, but it is normal, for how is it that someone’s head could be so occupied with that one thing only, which is suicide, except me? Psychiatrist or medicines would not work, for if they truly had worked on me, why was it that all I felt from head to toe was suicide only? Don’t tell me things like I should switch to another psychiatrist, for I was in fact seeing another one before I switched to this one; he is basically the authority of psychiatry in Hong Kong, if he could not cure me, then this marks my fate. I just know by now, I failed my suicidal attempt, but that now the whole team of lifeguards of that beach knew I had mental problems.
So now I am left with shame, left with the fact that I failed to kill myself. At first, all that I wanted to say was that if no more posts written by me in the coming days, please visit me with a pink rose, if you bother. Yet now I feel even more wronged: I already feel like a victim diagnosed with mental problems, after my death, those that used to treat me badly would have won the game. They would applause at my death, mocking me happily. I don’t know what to do from stop wanting to die, but I just know I won’t give them this chance to applaud for my suicide.