These days I happened to read a book written by a female psychiatrist, who has dealt with a number of different patients who are also female. Biologically, women has a greater possibility to suffer from mental problems, but I see there are somehow some common triggering factors that develop or worsen one’s mental state, especially that of a woman. Being in my early adulthood right now, I also see how I shall actually understand myself better as a female patient, how gender difference may make me associate myself with negative descriptions. Possibly, it is just me having a sudden desire to talk about the female gender this time, but I wanna start off by talking a bit about what has been going on with my mental problems.
Since my psychiatrist feels that I am on track of getting better and better with my emotional control, I only get to see him once every 2 weeks now. I still lack so much confidence in myself and just few days after seeing him, I had some kind of panic attacks which I could not even believe that these happened on me. I was to do a 2-day exam, which could be retaken if the mark was not of satisfaction, so in other words, it is not a too stressful exam after all, since retaking is always possible. Yet, there was an accident on the first day of my exam: due to a misunderstanding of its address, so I was basically running late in the end to reach the exam venue, and could not arrive at the right place in time. I was rushing, I guess I was close to running to the correct venue. When I finally saw the entrance of the correct venue, my brain seemed to let my guards down, and then, just all of a sudden, out of control, I could not stand still and just collapsed and fainted on the floor. My brain just naturally began to talk to myself, hyponotised myself that that I must get up to take the exam. Without knowing where I got some kind of adrenaline, I managed to get up and rushed myself to take my exam. As I walked out of the venue after having finished the exam, I literally fainted for a few seconds and just lied on the floor close to the car park. I heard a voice by a cleaning lady who asked me if I were OK, before Dad finished paying the parking fee, and I was dragged to his car to go home. At night, I kept on sweating before bed and just could not help panicking for the exam to come in the morning.
由於我的精神科醫生認為我的情緒控制越來越好了，我現在每2週才去見他一次。我仍然缺乏自信心，而在看了他僅僅幾天後，我我雖不能相信，但自發性的驚恐發作(panic attack) 就發生了在我身上。我要做一個為期2天的考試，如果成績不滿意，我可以重考，因此換句話說，這並不是一個太教人緊張的考試，因為是可以重考的。然而，我考試的第一天出了點事故：由於誤解了考場地址，所以我基本上是無法在指定的時間去到正確的地點，我遲到了。我在趕著走，我想我是接近用跑的去到達正確的地點。當我終於看到了正確的地點的入口，我的大腦似乎讓我的警覺鬆了下來，然後，突然地，我不能站好，只是暈倒在地上。我的大腦就竟然自然就開始自言自語，催眠我自己必須站起來去參加考試。不知道在那裡我得到一些腎上腺素，我就爬了起來，衝去考試。當我考試完了和走出試場後，在爸爸支付完停車費前，我真的在靠近停車場的地方暈倒了幾秒鐘，只是趴在地上。我聽到了一位清潔工嬸嬸的個聲音，問我是否OK，而我最後被拖到他的車，回家去。到了晚上，我一直在睡覺前都忍不住流汗，對翌日會來的上午考試驚慌起來。
Similarly on the next day, I almost fainted before and after the exam. This incapability to endure exam stress upsets me greatly. This makes no sense to me and yet it happened out of my control. I had done many more exams of much higher stress in the past, yet I never had any panic attacks. I ask myself: how is it that I can go back to U.K. myself to finish off my master? To finish the master has always been my top priority. Now, what a threatening uncertainty for me! I keep on expecting that I can go back next year, but should this kind of physical reactions continue, this just simply dismisses my expectation except telling me how things in life are uncertain.
Somehow, to love someone in a romantic relationship is all about uncertainty, as I reflect on the book that I read this week, and perhaps, also from my own experience. The book is written in traditional Chinese, please see the book details at the end of the post. In comparison, female patients may always have greater mental problems than male, and the problems seem to be rooted from similar sources:
- the dependence in terms of financial ability, and
- the lack of courage to move on.
Many of these women are housewives, so they actually gamble on their lovers to be of the certainty that they would not bring them any mentally harm. Yet, since it is not guaranteed, and when things go wrong, the women do not have sufficient provision financially for either just themselves or both themselves and the children to live their everyday life, should they actually take action to leave their husbands at fault. This put them to end up getting stuck in their individual mentally traumatised situation. As time passes, they remain in a kind of mental suffering, which can be depression, schizophrenia or other mental problems. In fact, those who have the financial ability could have left their husbands, and yet they often lack the courage to move on and accept that their marriage is broken, and the same goes to those unmarried girls who could not accept that their relationships are broken down – they wanted those male lovers to stay unchanged with certainty. Of course, to be able to move on is never easy, and those with mental problems only think about the opposite -suicide.
許多這些婦女都是家庭主婦，所以他們實際上是在賭博自己的愛人是不會給她們帶來任何精神上的傷害的這個確定性。然而，因為確定性是無法保證的，出問題時，女性沒有足夠的經濟條件讓自己或自己和孩子去應付日常生活，就不能採取實際行動去離開犯了過錯的丈夫。這讓他們最終被陷在個人精神受著創傷的情況。隨著時間過渡，他們仍然處於一種精神痛苦的境界裏，這可能是抑鬱症，精神分裂症或其他精神問題。事實上，那些有足夠的經濟條件的女性是可以離開自己的丈夫的，但他們往往缺乏勇氣向前看，接受他們的婚姻失敗，而這對那些未婚的女孩來說也是一樣的道理，就是不能接受關係被打破了 – 她們希望那些男性愛人有肯定不變的這個確定性。當然，能夠繼續前進是不容易的，而那些有精神問題的女人們只考慮了相反的去做-自殺。
For some male patients, they normally have the financial ability, and they think that their mental problems are caused by their wives/girlfriends, but only, they find out that their childhood experiences affect the development of their mentality. Basically, unpleasant childhood affects both gender greatly, bears a great role to damage one’s ability to deal with their romantic relationships.
After all, there is nothing or no one who is ever worthy enough to make one person to exchange one’s life or anything too great, in order to gain that particular thing or person. Things and people change, there is nothing else to do than to accept it and move on to love ourselves first, just because all is uncertain. Today, with thankfulness, I find out at least I can give more than to take: I even have the ability now not only to work and see different loved ones to do things that I like, but also to volunteer.
A person who can volunteer is a very blessed person, because she can still help people rather than just receiving help from others – that also means I must be stepping away further and further from my uncertain emotions but to seize complete control of myself soon. I am learning to lose, to move on, to start again, to have gratitude; I believe this is possible for other emotionally troubled people too.
I am thankful for the fun I had over this last 2 weeks. For example, to go to book fair to buy novels that I like, cosplayed at Ani-Com & Games Festival (photo can be found on my instagram jen_omorhpia), reading religious scriptures, or simply dining out with families and friends. Would you do a thankful list too?
我感恩我在這過去的兩個禮拜有快樂的時候。例如，我可以去書展買我喜歡的小說，在動漫節cosplay (可去我instagram jen_omorhpia 看相片)， 閱讀宗教經文，或只是簡單的可和家人和朋友外出吃飯。你也可以做一個感恩清單吧？
May you appreciate the art of gratitude.