Mastermind

Those mentally troubled kids and me 那些精神困擾的孩子和我

 

IMG_7873
photo taken as I was in the queue to get to book fair

I think every reader of mine has enough of me talking about ‘the ghosted person’, because suddenly the click rate dropped dramatically only for the previous post named ‘The aftermath of ghosting 被幻影的後遺症‘. LOL. Please bear with me, I am still focusing on mental health. Thanks to a few hours of volunteering on Friday, I know it is time to pick up on sharing the awareness of mental health and its related issues. Hong Kong, as usual, is forever packed with people and vehicles, and I don’t know how to put in words to stress the fact that this is why Hongkongers, or people in other capital cities like Londoners can really easily develop a mental problem, without realising it.

我想,我的每一位讀者都已經厭倦我談論「幻影人」,因為上次的帖子,就是「The aftermath of ghosting 被幻影的後遺症」的點擊率突然急劇下降。LOL。請見諒,我仍然着重寫關於心理健康的話題。由於週五做了幾個小時的義工,我知道是時候開始分享和宣揚心理健康及其相關問題的認識。香港,像往常一樣,永遠擠滿了人與車,我不知道如何用言語去強調,事實上,這就是為什麼香港人,還是在其他首都城市,像倫敦的人們,也一樣能容易蘊釀精神的問題,只是沒有意識到。

 

I remember over this past week, I seemed to have forgotten all about how to get well from my mental problems, but only keep thinking of why, or just simply trying so hard to resist to accept that I was dumped by ‘the ghosted person’. I only think about what if I become the next ‘Candy’ as the character in the Cantonese drama I have been talking about for quite a few times, the ‘Candy’ in ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’.

我記得於過去的一周,我似乎忘記了要如何去讓自己能把我的精神問題醫好,但只一直在想,或者只是不停抗拒接受我被「幻影人」甩了的事實。我只是想,如果我變成什麼下一個像在我一直在談論了好幾次的廣東話電視劇,「瑪格麗特與大衛 – 綠豆」裏的「Candy」會是怎麼一回事。

 

Who is Candy? She did not know that the guy who started cohabiting life with her was using her for money, and although I am broke, unfortunately, LOL, what I felt was how is it ever possible to know if a person is trust-worthy or not? Since if a guy or a girl decides to cheat, or to lie to his/her other half, of course there is a way to do it. Thanks to having volunteered, I felt that this issue is no longer of concern: why shall I care about any romantic relationships which may not even happen anymore in my life? I could not really move on that quickly, and I admitted before that I felt like a loser as I still think of ‘the ghosted person’ from time to time, causing my heart to ache whilst he dose not concern me anymore. Yet, I really have better things to do than still thinking and even worrying about this person who is gone forever. It is not my fault that I have depression to end up having told that what was promised should be canceled. I attach a few youtube links of 2 Mandarin and 1 English pop songs which I recently felt quite relating to, so you can listen to them if you are interested.

誰是Candy?她不知道與她開始同居生活的傢伙,其實是利用她的錢,而我雖然好不幸的貧困,LOL,我在想,究竟如何可以知道,一個人是不是值得信賴的呢?因為如果一個男生或一個女生決定去出軌,騙他/她的另一半,當然總是有辦法做到這一點的。做了義工後,我覺得這個問題不再需要思考了:我為什麼要在乎甚至有可能不會再在我的生活出現的愛情關係呢?我不能真的很快放下,而且我之前也承認了覺得自己是個失敗者,因為我仍然會不時的想「幻影人」,導致我心疼,而他不卻對我莫不關心。然而,我真的有更多好的事情去做,已不是還在想著,甚至擔心這個人。有抑鬱症不是我的錯,被承諾過的都被推反,難道就因為有抑鬱症就可以被食言嗎?我附上幾個YouTube的鏈接,是我最近感到有共鳴的2首普通話和1首英語流行歌曲,如果你有興趣可以聽聽。

[Youtube] JC – 說散就散

[Youtube] 原來愛情這麼傷 – 梁詠琪

[Youtube] Maroon 5 – Maps

 

So I start teaching myself, of course it is better off to use my time thinking about how to get better as soon as possible, and one important thing to do to achieve this would be to avoid anything that triggers me, which I will not detail, but rather, I am to remind myself to remember to stay away from triggering factors. I am to tell myself, I am OK, I am not afraid of the future that when I will be back to London for 8 months to finish off my master, I am to be able to live alone with a sound mind, not to harm or kill myself. This is the correct spirit, right? I also had the words from my psychiatrist this week that I should be able to live alone in London to finish off my master, with a low likelihood of relapse, and so I shall just prepare myself to go back in January.

於是,我開始自學,灌輸自己要更好用我的時間思考如何盡快康復起來,而實現這事情的一個重點是避免任何可誘發我的誘因;這我就不詳細說了,我只需提醒自己要記得遠離誘因。我要告訴自己,我可以的,我不要害怕將來將回倫敦一個人生活8個月,去完成我的碩士學位,我將能夠有健全的頭腦,不再自殘或自殺。這就是正確的精神,對吧?就是今個星期我的精神科醫生說,我應該能夠獨自住在倫敦去念完我的碩士,復發的可能性低,所以,我只是應該去準備自己一月份回去就好了。

 

Thanks to a friend, I got to do some volunteering work to spend time with kids who have mental problems. Whether their condition is mild or severe, my task was to play games with them, and helped them to learn to communicate with others in the appropriate manner. I saw how these kids needed help so greatly that I knew this is a volunteering job that I could not quit. Although my psychiatrist said that I felt that I saw different parts of me in each kid is not true since my mental problems are not the same to relate to theirs, at the least, I learnt so much from them.

多謝一位朋友的介紹,我就開始了花時間參與了和情緒有問題的孩子相處的義工工作。無論孩子們的情況是輕微或嚴重,我的任務就是和他們一起玩遊戲,幫助他們學會用適當的方式與人溝通。我看到這些孩子是有多麼的需要幫助,我知道,這份義工工作,我萬萬不能放棄。雖然我的精神科醫生說,因為我的心理問題和孩子們的心理問題並不相同,所以我覺得我於不同的孩子們身上看到我的精神問題是不合理的,但至少,我從他們身上學到好多好多。

 

There is a little girl who has a strong desire to only play with one particular little boy and she would stop other kids from playing with the little boy. Then I see how as adults, we teach her that she can’t just own the little boy as hers, but shall rather allow the boy to have the choice to play with other kids. Seeing how simple this logic is, how am I supposed to ever imagine that ‘the ghosted person’ will come back to find me as the old him, for I don’t own him, but rather he has the choice to leave me? I realise, adults however still try hard to not let others to leave us when they want. If a person can ignore the other person in regards of the harm that he or she can do by leaving the person, this means, the person dose not love the other person anymore.

有一個小女孩擁有強烈的願望,就是只要一個特定的小男孩跟自己玩,於是她會阻止其他孩子和這小男孩玩耍。然後,我想起我們作為成年人,我們教她,她不能擁有小男孩的,應允許小男孩有選擇去與其他孩子玩。此邏輯是多麼的簡單,所以,我又怎可能去想像「幻影人」會回來找我呢?因為我不擁有他,而他可選擇離開我。我知道,大人也盡量想要去要求不要讓別人離開我們自己。如果一個人能忽略他或她可以因為自己的離開,可於對方留下的傷害的話,這意味著,那一個人以不愛對方了。

 

There are some kids who would not listen to instructions, or they could not concentrate, so they might either be daydreaming or running around non-stop. This looks a little like how I began to suffer from depression, how I could not concentrate on things said by professors in class, how I could not concentrate on my studies. Some kids could not control their emotions, so when things did not go well as they expected or they were simply in confusion and did not know what to do, they screamed and cried; when I in the past felt that there were no hopes in curing my mental problems and my progress of recovery was not going great, I did the same thing: screaming and crying. Then gradually, I was worse, I would seek ways to harm myself and to commit suicide.

有些孩子不聽指令,又或者他們不能集中精神,所以他們可能總做白日夢或周圍不停跑來跑去。這看起來像是我開始有抑鬱症的開端時,我是如何不能專心聆聽教授的說話,我是如何不能專心學業了。有些孩子無法控制自己的情緒,所以當事情不是他們預期的發生或他們只是覺得好混亂,不知道該怎麼辦,他們就尖叫和嚎哭; 當我過去認為自己的心理問題沒希望醫好,我的恢復進度又不理想,我也做同樣的事情:尖叫和嚎哭。然後漸漸地,我越来越糟糕,我就尋求各種方式傷害自己和自殺。

 

I do not think I could ever use words to describe how much having a trait likens to bipolar, which means one is easy to be provoked to anger, is dangerous for both the patient and those around him. I saw how a kid wanted things to be given to him immediately and if he did not get what he wanted right away, he was so quick to get too angry and wanted to use physical force to get what he wanted, pushed other kids, and if as adults we were not understanding at the time, we could simply find him as a kid who is too rude and shall not be taken care of. I remember that there was for some time that I could not queue at any places. I had no patience to wait but knowing that I still had to wait anyways, I ended up screaming crazily once I got to be on my own, rolled on the floor, and again to want to kill myself as I could not accept myself having become a person like this. Today, I seem to be all right except some sudden unexpected tears and negative thoughts, and so I want to witness kids like him to be able to walk out of bipolar-like problems whilst at young age.

我不認為我可以用文字來形容,有一個像狂躁症的特質對病人和他周圍的人都很危險。這是因為,有一個像狂躁症的特質意味著一個人是非常容易被激怒。我見證有個孩子,凡是自己想要的,他都要能立刻得到,如果沒有得到他想要的東西,他就馬上生氣,想用武力來得到他想要的東西,推其他的孩子,而作為成人,我們若在當下不去用心理解,我們可以簡單地說他就是一個好沒有禮貌的孩子,不值得被照顧。我記得,有一段時間,我不能在任何地方排隊。我沒有耐心等待,但知道我不得不等待,我就剩下自己時就瘋狂尖叫,在地板上滾,又一次想殺死我自己,因為我無法接受自己變了這樣的一個人。今天,我似乎除了一些突發的淚水和消極的想法,好像問題不太大,所以我想看到像他的孩子們一樣能夠在還是孩童的時候,就可以走出相似狂躁症的問題。

 

I did not expect that I also came to meet a kid with the hardship of controlling his emotions as a student in my English class, studying with those other kids with no such kind of problem. My colleagues warned me in advance that I shall watch out on his temper to try to make the class to be able to run smoothly, for them, there was a fear towards the kid which I could easily sense in the way they talked about him. I revealed that I had dealt with kids who even could be violent and I just had to catch him to force him to stand still, with the risk that he might hit me instead. So for this student, I don’t see any risks or fear at all, and in him, I could once again see myself.

我沒想到我會在我的英語課的學生中遇上不能控制自己情緒的孩子,他與沒有這樣的問題的其他孩子們一起上課。我的同事們事先告誡我說,我對他的脾氣要注意,盡量讓全班同學能夠順利上課,而我可以在他們談論他的方式很容易地感受到,對他們來說,這孩子是一個恐懼。我說,我處理過甚至可以是暴力的孩子,我還要抓住他,去迫使他站在原地,還有他可能會打我的風險。因此,對於這個學生,我沒有看到任何風險或感到擔心,而在他的身上,我又再次看到自己。

 

He worked way slower than the others in the class. He knew it himself, and he would keep muttering to himself, ‘I’m stupid’. I told him not to say that to himself, and he was always in a low mood as I could tell from his face. Being the only one left behind in the classroom when all other kids just ran out to go home once the class was finished, he was so slow and possibly also reluctant to pack his bag, and I could see that he was in a state of self-frustration. I remember I also used to react like this a lot, the difference being that I would try so hard to not to show frustration on my face as an adult. I helped him to pack and to put the straps of his little school bag on both of his shoulders, and he looked at me for a few seconds and walked out of the room himself. He knew what I was trying to do in those few seconds, for he is not stupid, but just another mentally troubled person like me. Even not so sure if doing this would do him any good, I think what he truly needs are extra attention, care, and love, and not paying my boss to attend English classes.

他比在班上別的孩子學習要慢。這他自己是知道的,他會不斷喃喃自語說,「我很愚蠢」。我告訴他,不要給自己這樣說,和我可以從他的臉上看得到,他總是情緒低落。當所有其他孩子都在課堂一結束時就跑出去要回家去,只有他一個留下還教室裏,而他是如此的緩慢,也可能是因為不願意收拾自己的書包,我可以看出,他是在自我消極中的狀態。我記得我以前也很多時候習慣有這樣的反應,不同的是,我會努力讓消極不顯示在我的臉上,是作為一個成年人的無奈吧。我幫他收拾,並把他的小書包的兩個肩帶放好在他的肩膀上,之後他盯著我看了幾秒鐘,走出了教室。那幾秒鐘,他知道我是在想做甚麼,因為他並不笨,只是另一個精神上陷入困境的人,像我一樣。即使不能肯定這樣做會不會帶來什麼好處,不過我想他真正的需要的是格外的關注,關懷和愛,而不是支付我的老闆,來出席英語課。

 

I don’t know how but somehow these days, I miss having a church life which I liked, for example, when I was in Lyon (I had talked about how and why I did not want to go to church anymore, please refer to the post ‘Trust or Distrust 相信和不相信‘ & Getting philosophical 哲學入門). Surprisingly, I have a desire to go to church again. I wanted peace in my heart, to pray that both me and all these kids would have a sound mind, by utilising resources which are medical treatment, attending specially designed activities. Then last but not least, pray.

不知何故,這些天,我有一點想有我喜歡的教會生活,比如我在里昂的時候(我以前談到了我怎樣和為什麼不想去教堂了,請參考「Trust or Distrust 相信和不相信」& Getting philosophical 哲學入門)。非我意料的是,我有再次去教堂的願望。我想有平安在我的心裏,祈禱我和這些孩子們將有一個健全的頭腦,利用醫療資源,參加特別設計的活動。最後但並非最不重要的就是:祈禱。

 

I hope that kids in Hong Kong can live easier in childhood. In fact, I worked part time as a teacher and I keep feeling that the materials I got assigned to teach the kids at my workplace are too hard for their age, and yet, they have to learn hard English so to not seem falling behind from other kids; on the other side, kids at my volunteering place require extra attention and affection. Doesn’t this show how kids in general would have a mental kind of burden to some extent?

我希望香港的孩子在童年的生活可更容易。事實上,我的兼職工作作為一名教師,我一直覺得我所用的教學的材料,對我所教的孩子來說,他們的年齡來說,太難為了他們,然而,他們必須學會困難的英語,所以顯得不是落後其他的孩子;在另一邊,孩子在我的義工服務的地方就需要額外的關注和愛心。這不是說明了,孩子在一定程度上,一般都會有個心理負擔?

 

When it comes to teaching, I see showing love to kids come first rather than how many English vocabularies they can learn, although my boss already told me off just few days ago on his discontentment on my teaching method.

當涉及到教學中,我的看法是愛孩子是第一位的,而不是他們能學會多少英語詞彙,雖然我的老闆已經前幾天給我「照肺」,說他對我的教學方法不滿。

 

My dear readers, always take great care of your mental wellbeing besides that of your physical. Please show your understanding: why sometimes some people, both adults and kids are less bearable to stress which leads to mental problem? Remember it is largely due to biological reasons at the first place. Let’s say, a patient needs to have that certain gene of depression, and then to be have triggering factors which set him on to arrive at a vulnerable state.

我親愛的讀者,除了你的身體健康,也要注意精神健康。請你理解一下:為什麼有時候一些人,大人和孩子,都不太能遭受壓力,而導致心理問題呢?記住這主要是由於生物學方面的原因。比方說,一個病人需要有抑鬱症的基因,然後有觸發因素,將基因啟動,病人才到達一個脆弱的狀態。

 

Lastly, if you notice you have symptoms of depression or other mental sicknesses, remember you have to get yourself to a psychiatrist right away – it’s ok, I understand how hard it is to make this first move, because it means you need to accept yourself that you are now mentally sick. I have been down that path, let me try my hardest to get well, so I may prove that others also really can get well, as long as there is the willingness to seek medical help (and please pray if you believe in the power of prayers). After all, 1 in 5/6 persons in Hong Kong have mental problems, so why should anyone feel ashamed to see a psychiatrist?

最後,如果你發現你有抑鬱症或其他精神的疾病症狀,請記住,你必須讓自己馬上去看精神科醫生 – it’s ok,我明白要踏出第一步好難,因為這意味著你需要接受自己,你現在是精神病患者。我一直沿著這條精神病的路走下去,也讓我盡我最大努力,來康復,所以我可以證明,其他人也真的可以康復的,只要有尋求醫生的幫助就對了(如果你相信祈禱的力量,也禱告吧)。畢竟,每5/6個香港人,就有一個有精神方面的問題,所以為什麼會有任何人要因為看精神科醫生而感到羞愧?

❤️  Lala

 

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