I think every reader of mine has enough of me talking about ‘the ghosted person’, because suddenly the click rate dropped dramatically only for the previous post named ‘The aftermath of ghosting 被幻影的後遺症‘. LOL. Please bear with me, I am still focusing on mental health. Thanks to a few hours of volunteering on Friday, I know it is time to pick up on sharing the awareness of mental health and its related issues. Hong Kong, as usual, is forever packed with people and vehicles, and I don’t know how to put in words to stress the fact that this is why Hongkongers, or people in other capital cities like Londoners can really easily develop a mental problem, without realising it.
我想，我的每一位讀者都已經厭倦我談論「幻影人」，因為上次的帖子，就是「The aftermath of ghosting 被幻影的後遺症」的點擊率突然急劇下降。LOL。請見諒，我仍然着重寫關於心理健康的話題。由於週五做了幾個小時的義工，我知道是時候開始分享和宣揚心理健康及其相關問題的認識。香港，像往常一樣，永遠擠滿了人與車，我不知道如何用言語去強調，事實上，這就是為什麼香港人，還是在其他首都城市，像倫敦的人們，也一樣能容易蘊釀精神的問題，只是沒有意識到。
I remember over this past week, I seemed to have forgotten all about how to get well from my mental problems, but only keep thinking of why, or just simply trying so hard to resist to accept that I was dumped by ‘the ghosted person’. I only think about what if I become the next ‘Candy’ as the character in the Cantonese drama I have been talking about for quite a few times, the ‘Candy’ in ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’.
我記得於過去的一周，我似乎忘記了要如何去讓自己能把我的精神問題醫好，但只一直在想，或者只是不停抗拒接受我被「幻影人」甩了的事實。我只是想，如果我變成什麼下一個像在我一直在談論了好幾次的廣東話電視劇，「瑪格麗特與大衛 – 綠豆」裏的「Candy」會是怎麼一回事。
Who is Candy? She did not know that the guy who started cohabiting life with her was using her for money, and although I am broke, unfortunately, LOL, what I felt was how is it ever possible to know if a person is trust-worthy or not? Since if a guy or a girl decides to cheat, or to lie to his/her other half, of course there is a way to do it. Thanks to having volunteered, I felt that this issue is no longer of concern: why shall I care about any romantic relationships which may not even happen anymore in my life? I could not really move on that quickly, and I admitted before that I felt like a loser as I still think of ‘the ghosted person’ from time to time, causing my heart to ache whilst he dose not concern me anymore. Yet, I really have better things to do than still thinking and even worrying about this person who is gone forever. It is not my fault that I have depression to end up having told that what was promised should be canceled. I attach a few youtube links of 2 Mandarin and 1 English pop songs which I recently felt quite relating to, so you can listen to them if you are interested.
So I start teaching myself, of course it is better off to use my time thinking about how to get better as soon as possible, and one important thing to do to achieve this would be to avoid anything that triggers me, which I will not detail, but rather, I am to remind myself to remember to stay away from triggering factors. I am to tell myself, I am OK, I am not afraid of the future that when I will be back to London for 8 months to finish off my master, I am to be able to live alone with a sound mind, not to harm or kill myself. This is the correct spirit, right? I also had the words from my psychiatrist this week that I should be able to live alone in London to finish off my master, with a low likelihood of relapse, and so I shall just prepare myself to go back in January.
Thanks to a friend, I got to do some volunteering work to spend time with kids who have mental problems. Whether their condition is mild or severe, my task was to play games with them, and helped them to learn to communicate with others in the appropriate manner. I saw how these kids needed help so greatly that I knew this is a volunteering job that I could not quit. Although my psychiatrist said that I felt that I saw different parts of me in each kid is not true since my mental problems are not the same to relate to theirs, at the least, I learnt so much from them.
There is a little girl who has a strong desire to only play with one particular little boy and she would stop other kids from playing with the little boy. Then I see how as adults, we teach her that she can’t just own the little boy as hers, but shall rather allow the boy to have the choice to play with other kids. Seeing how simple this logic is, how am I supposed to ever imagine that ‘the ghosted person’ will come back to find me as the old him, for I don’t own him, but rather he has the choice to leave me? I realise, adults however still try hard to not let others to leave us when they want. If a person can ignore the other person in regards of the harm that he or she can do by leaving the person, this means, the person dose not love the other person anymore.
There are some kids who would not listen to instructions, or they could not concentrate, so they might either be daydreaming or running around non-stop. This looks a little like how I began to suffer from depression, how I could not concentrate on things said by professors in class, how I could not concentrate on my studies. Some kids could not control their emotions, so when things did not go well as they expected or they were simply in confusion and did not know what to do, they screamed and cried; when I in the past felt that there were no hopes in curing my mental problems and my progress of recovery was not going great, I did the same thing: screaming and crying. Then gradually, I was worse, I would seek ways to harm myself and to commit suicide.
I do not think I could ever use words to describe how much having a trait likens to bipolar, which means one is easy to be provoked to anger, is dangerous for both the patient and those around him. I saw how a kid wanted things to be given to him immediately and if he did not get what he wanted right away, he was so quick to get too angry and wanted to use physical force to get what he wanted, pushed other kids, and if as adults we were not understanding at the time, we could simply find him as a kid who is too rude and shall not be taken care of. I remember that there was for some time that I could not queue at any places. I had no patience to wait but knowing that I still had to wait anyways, I ended up screaming crazily once I got to be on my own, rolled on the floor, and again to want to kill myself as I could not accept myself having become a person like this. Today, I seem to be all right except some sudden unexpected tears and negative thoughts, and so I want to witness kids like him to be able to walk out of bipolar-like problems whilst at young age.
I did not expect that I also came to meet a kid with the hardship of controlling his emotions as a student in my English class, studying with those other kids with no such kind of problem. My colleagues warned me in advance that I shall watch out on his temper to try to make the class to be able to run smoothly, for them, there was a fear towards the kid which I could easily sense in the way they talked about him. I revealed that I had dealt with kids who even could be violent and I just had to catch him to force him to stand still, with the risk that he might hit me instead. So for this student, I don’t see any risks or fear at all, and in him, I could once again see myself.
He worked way slower than the others in the class. He knew it himself, and he would keep muttering to himself, ‘I’m stupid’. I told him not to say that to himself, and he was always in a low mood as I could tell from his face. Being the only one left behind in the classroom when all other kids just ran out to go home once the class was finished, he was so slow and possibly also reluctant to pack his bag, and I could see that he was in a state of self-frustration. I remember I also used to react like this a lot, the difference being that I would try so hard to not to show frustration on my face as an adult. I helped him to pack and to put the straps of his little school bag on both of his shoulders, and he looked at me for a few seconds and walked out of the room himself. He knew what I was trying to do in those few seconds, for he is not stupid, but just another mentally troubled person like me. Even not so sure if doing this would do him any good, I think what he truly needs are extra attention, care, and love, and not paying my boss to attend English classes.
I don’t know how but somehow these days, I miss having a church life which I liked, for example, when I was in Lyon (I had talked about how and why I did not want to go to church anymore, please refer to the post ‘Trust or Distrust 相信和不相信‘ ＆ Getting philosophical 哲學入門). Surprisingly, I have a desire to go to church again. I wanted peace in my heart, to pray that both me and all these kids would have a sound mind, by utilising resources which are medical treatment, attending specially designed activities. Then last but not least, pray.
I hope that kids in Hong Kong can live easier in childhood. In fact, I worked part time as a teacher and I keep feeling that the materials I got assigned to teach the kids at my workplace are too hard for their age, and yet, they have to learn hard English so to not seem falling behind from other kids; on the other side, kids at my volunteering place require extra attention and affection. Doesn’t this show how kids in general would have a mental kind of burden to some extent?
When it comes to teaching, I see showing love to kids come first rather than how many English vocabularies they can learn, although my boss already told me off just few days ago on his discontentment on my teaching method.
My dear readers, always take great care of your mental wellbeing besides that of your physical. Please show your understanding: why sometimes some people, both adults and kids are less bearable to stress which leads to mental problem? Remember it is largely due to biological reasons at the first place. Let’s say, a patient needs to have that certain gene of depression, and then to be have triggering factors which set him on to arrive at a vulnerable state.
Lastly, if you notice you have symptoms of depression or other mental sicknesses, remember you have to get yourself to a psychiatrist right away – it’s ok, I understand how hard it is to make this first move, because it means you need to accept yourself that you are now mentally sick. I have been down that path, let me try my hardest to get well, so I may prove that others also really can get well, as long as there is the willingness to seek medical help (and please pray if you believe in the power of prayers). After all, 1 in 5/6 persons in Hong Kong have mental problems, so why should anyone feel ashamed to see a psychiatrist?
最後，如果你發現你有抑鬱症或其他精神的疾病症狀，請記住，你必須讓自己馬上去看精神科醫生 – it’s ok，我明白要踏出第一步好難，因為這意味著你需要接受自己，你現在是精神病患者。我一直沿著這條精神病的路走下去，也讓我盡我最大努力，來康復，所以我可以證明，其他人也真的可以康復的，只要有尋求醫生的幫助就對了（如果你相信祈禱的力量，也禱告吧）。畢竟，每5/6個香港人，就有一個有精神方面的問題，所以為什麼會有任何人要因為看精神科醫生而感到羞愧？