To be honest, I think I already have symptoms of some emotional problems back in my teen days, because the way I make decisions or my thought processes could often be too extreme, only one or the other, but on the good side, this personality trait was good for me to be determined to achieve my goals. Yet being someone with depression, bipolar and anxiety, this trait can easily trigger me to do or say things that are too extreme with no flexibility. For example, referring to my previous post, ‘The ghosted person 幻影人‘, I remember I was so skeptical about the ghosted person when I first knew him, and then I eventually put enormous amount of trust in him for something now I realise which would not come true. So for the current me, I am in this cycle: I either feel that I have a great sense of hatred against him, or, I would miss him so greatly that I would love to continue imagining that he would come back as the person who I knew in the past, who would worry about my feelings and health, to un-break my heart, and not as ‘the ghosted person’.
說實話，我覺得我早在我的青少年時期已經有一些情緒問題的症狀，因為我做決定，或是我的思維過程的方式往往可以太極端，不是一就是二，但在好的一面來說，這種個性特質讓我一確定好我的目標，我就會去堅持去實現。但現在的我患有抑鬱症，狂躁症和焦慮症，這種個性特質可以容易引發我做或說的事情沒有了改變性，而過於極端。例如，參考我以前的帖子，「The ghosted person 幻影人」，當我初認識「幻影人」，我記得我對他好存疑，然後我最終大量的信任他，而現在，我認清這不會成真。因此，對於目前的我來說，我在一個循環期裏：我要麼就覺得我恨他，要麼就是我會好想念他，很想繼續想像他會回來，像過去一樣，還會擔心我的心情和健康，修復我打破了的心，而不是作為「幻影人」。
Apparently the ghosted person would not have left me should I have no mental problems, and I do have to admit that I am someone who is hard to take because of my unpredictable sudden and episodic emotional breakdown. Even before he left, I have been thinking, if I revealed my mental health issue to my boss when he hired me, I would not have ever got the current part-time job, because my employer and colleagues maybe would assume that I can suddenly go mad attacking them or simply scaring them off, and so I represent a danger; no one at my current workplace knows that I am a depression patient up to this moment. People often know so little about depression, bipolar, and once they hear mental illnesses, they associate mental patients with violence. I repeat again, depression is about self-harming rather. Even one day I am fully recovered, I would be better off not to let the potential employers to know about my history of depression, so they would not make that same assumption, and hopefully, they just look at my abilities to decide if they hire me or not.
Since I underwent how the ghosted person found my mental sickness unbearable, and for the fact that I could have relapse in the future after I would have recovered, this means that the history of being a mentally sick person makes me a girl who would never have a Mr Right. You may say ‘why so serious’ about relationships, and say why I value promises so strongly; the fact that when promises cannot be fulfilled, it breaks me down into billions of tiny pieces. This is because I have a heart which I could possibly describe as a heart made of glass, and once broken, it is hard to put it back into its original state. I must be too ill. I find it hard to believe in people, but if I really choose to believe in a person, I would actually believe what the person said whole-heartedly even if the promise is a big one for life, however unbelievable that promise maybe. Perhaps, I can liken it to how I am a believer in terms of my religious faith; I believe and so I will always believe till the end of days.
因為我經歷了「幻影人」難以承受我的心理疾病，而事實是我的未來也可以有復發的機會，這意味著，作為一個精神病人的歷史，讓我變成永遠都會與不上一個Mr Right吧。你可能會說，「為什麼要對關係這麼認真」，並說為什麼我如此強烈的看重承諾; 事實上，當承諾無法被履行，我感到自己被打破成數十億小塊。這是我可能有個心臟，可形容為玻璃做的心臟，一旦破裂，就很難把它修理到原來的狀態。我一定是太病了。我發現我很難相信人，但如果我真的選擇相信一個人，我真的全情投入去相信那人說的所有，即使那承諾是一個令人難以置信的一生的承諾，我也相信。或許，我可以把它比作我如何在我的宗教信仰方面作為信徒; 我相信，我就會一直相信，直到世界末日。
By now, my family members are the only ones who I can believe in, because we are blood-related, so they would try not to break my heart. Yet today, I suddenly thought that, well, if the ghosted person who I used to believe in could take back his words, why couldn’t my family do the same thing on me? I got skeptical and at the same time very scared that I would be abandoned by them. Don’t laugh, but like a 3-year old kid, I turned to my mum and told her that I was so scared that she and the other family members would one day kick me out of our home, stop loving me, stop taking care of me. Obviously my mum realised it was my mental problems making me speak of nonsense stuff.
The ghosted person has said something which was cruel but actually well-said before he cut me out of his world, for he spoke of the truth: even married, there is always the possibility of divorce (and so I could be dumped). It leaves me with just this one conclusion: as a girl , do things now that can prepare myself to become a financially independent woman, so my basic everyday life would not be affected, then even one day my heart is broken into further pieces and even more broken, for I still have the necessary means to live, to endure another lover’s departure from my heart.
I understand that family is different than a lover, just by the fact that because me and them are blood related and so whatever that I become, they cannot leave me, even they could be suffering a great deal of stress due to me. As lovers can come and go, I feel that by this moment, I lose hope in romance. I tell myself that perhaps only familial love will last to endure difficult times with me. Friendships are reliable to an extent where some friends do last for life, but what a friend can help is so much less than what a family member can do, although I do appreciate each friend who cared or still cares me.
I am afraid, it would be almost impossible that there would be another person who will fall in love with me in the future, because he would have to be able to bear with my mental problems like my family dose if I have a relapse; of course, I can still make many new friends, for friends do not have that same responsibility expected of a lover. How would it be easy for a person to take the responsibility for me that in case of any relapses, he would have to help out by controlling me who would speak and act crazily, and stop me from doing self-harming acts or committing suicide?
So what more can I say? Life is cruel, and I have to accept it? But why do I have to come to this conclusion actually? Do people try to be cruel to me, either in words, or in actions? I know people are going to answer no, there are people who care about me and then they can go on and on. I am tired of this kind of words, and all I feel is that I am a loser. Perhaps just like ‘the ghosted person’ did, using both words and actions could leave me with scars in my heart, and others also either on purpose or not, say or do things which also brings about mental torturing, and accumulating each torturing, one by one, I feel so sick that I feel like perhaps I need to seek death; I must be too sick, time to go for an urgent appointment at the psychiatrist may be the wise thing to do before I lose my logical thinking.
Do I look that vulnerable and weak? Call me rude, since I can’t stop my tears running now, let me tell the world that I am a very ambitious person who likes to win, and to be honest, I don’t appreciate people having pity on me and say stuff like they are so sorry for me; you are sorry, so I should say thanks and then I will become happy? Or you really are wrong in a way that you owe me an apology or even more than that, and then how can you think that saying sorry would make me accept that I would answer you, ‘it is all ok’? The fact that I am a patient under treatment, so whatever that I say has no weight or what? I started crying even before typing this post, and for the harm brought by unexpected experiences or changes in humanly relationships and life experiences are already hard enough on me, so whoever that is, you can tell me that you think I am useless in finding so many things unbearable, and comment as you like.
People may expect that I want sympathy, but the truth is, the more people call me ‘a poor thing’, the more I feel vulnerable. Sometimes I find this no difference than getting mentally bullied. I am just having a very very bad day perhaps due to bipolar and depression again. If you think I really sound offensive suddenly speaking in a harsh tone, you may leave my blog post; you always have the freedom.