I remember in my previous post, ‘Heart-broken self-review 心碎的自我審查‘, I talked about how I felt that I lose trust in humanity. This time, I would just write about myself in this post to tell myself that having trust issue with certain people, shall not make me believe that I have trust issue with the whole humankind. I have been feeling so heart-broken, and the truth is because I spent lots of time having cried over a person, which just recently is ‘ghosted’ from my world. This means, someone who used to always be part of my life disappears completely willingly, and without signs that this will happen, the person becomes like a ghost that I cannot reach to. If you are interested about how ‘ghosting’ make people feel, click below a link to read a brief psychological journal about how it hurts.
我記得在我上一次的帖子，「Heart-broken self-review 心碎的自我審查」，我談到了我對人人都失去信任。這一次，我只想告訴自己，與某些人有信任的問題，不應使我相信，我要與全人類都有信任問題。我一直感到很心碎，是因為我花了很多時間為一個人哭，一個最近剛剛從我的世界裡變了「幻影人」了。這意味著，一個本來一直是我生活的一部分的人，完全心甘情願的消失，之前沒有跡象會出現這種情況，所以這個人變得像「鬼」，我怎也抓不住。如果你有興趣想知道「被幻影」是甚麼感覺，點擊以下鏈接，了解它的傷害。
One person has become ghosted in my world, with reasons which I found too hard to take; if to phrase this more simple but badly, I got left behind and abandoned. With this sudden loss of someone’s presence, including hearing the person speaking, seeing the person, touching the person, all together I feel truly empty: my heart whispers to me that someone hurts me so badly, someone breaks my hopes.
After almost a week of crying, my family helps me to realise it is time to stop. Today is the 4th day that I managed to hold back my tears. I am amazed that wow, I could care about the ghosted person so much that even my tears have now stopped, my heart still has this indescribable feeling that tickled me to feel the pain about the same person over and over again. I know deep down, I still want to beg for a humanly relationship to re-form in the way that I hope that it would be. This has to come to a stop, otherwise I will become too cheap and low. I don’t want to look down on myself.
I guess it is just myself being vulnerable in general. I could not help but still get heart-broken that the ghosted person decides to become the ghost in the first place, and in terms of dealing with this matter, I cannot move forward to move on to say a proper goodbye to this ghost, who also without giving me a proper goodbye but just claims over and over again that I am a pressure, a responsibility which is too hard to be taken. I don’t know how is it that I am supposed and be able to deal with a broken heart, my depression, my bipolar, my anxiety, which are still attached to me all together.
Me and my broken heart both know that by now, there is no certainty; promises can be vanished, like legal contracts can be breached. The ghosted person can leave me, words said can be turned back. However furious and upset I am concerning the ghosted person, I cannot deny that at least, this person had been offering help in the past, but decides not to continue anymore from few weeks ago.
I remember I promise myself that I need to get well, for my parents’ sake at the very least. I need to be all recovered one day, even the ghosted person will not even know about and see this day coming.
There is this one night, I cried so much to an extent, mainly due to this ghosted person that I could not stop shivering in midnight, when in fact I was covering myself with duvets without fans or air-conditioning turned on, and it was more than 30 degrees Celsius outside.
Besides crying, I still go to work, go to dance practices, see families and friends, do different kind of other things. I am still hoping to return to my academic studies next year, I need to be well as soon as possible, to finish my master off and to have the guts to live by myself in U.K. again.
However, the pain left behind in my heart by the ghosted person still can easily draw me to grieve almost regularly, and at random times daily. I have a very filled up timetable so far, because if I have so much to do, I can avoid being dragged down by the broken heart. I must have been a coward, because it was only me who looked for this ghost over and over again solely, even though this ghost turns back on his words and brings about tears. I need to restrain myself from doing so. I need to learn that each loving moment in the past has already collapsed.
What would the ghosted person think if by chance he comes to read this post: it is unlikely this person would regret to have become ghosted in my world as he chose to be the ghost, so would he be very pissed off that I talked about my broken heart story publicly? How can I still care and get upset, when this person who remained ghosted for a month already just calls me ‘pressure’? It was never my choice to have all these mental problems, it was never my choice to become a source of pressure, and it was never my choice to be left with a broken heart.
Lastly, I would still remind myself that at the least, the ghosted person had been offering help in the past. Thank you for the past, and I am now telling myself: past is the past, so goodbye my past.