My original draft was in fact ready to publish on Sunday the 10th instead, but I decided to be more truthful about my inner feelings, as I really want to release my fear, sadness, anger, and try to fix my heart. Now my reader, you are reading the updated version of 12 July typed at 1 am. I could feel my palm all sweat right now, I am feeling anxious, but I can’t just go to bed right now, I feel too overwhelmed with grief.
Even earlier this week, I could sense that something would happen, and what was built up over a long time, then all crumbled down in one day.
About a week before, I sensed this issue. I kept asking many questions to people over and over again. I asked why, why I had depression, why due to depression brought an end to a humanly mutual relationship, and left me in tears everyday; I feel trapped in a prison of tears, not to mention that my eyes are so painful everyday. To be honest, I would want police to arrest me so I can free my parents from the troubling me if possible.
I had to keep reminding myself that the universe dose not take orders from me, so when things happened between people in any humanly relationships which would be outside of what I had expected in mind, I shall not reacted crazily. Yet I have bipolar, I could not do it. Everyone told me that things had changed, I am to move on.
Although the issue was growing since weeks before, it was when I got a lot worse on Thursday, when the bad news came to me, and I thought I would be ok all by myself at the very beginning. That day, I danced a lot, so much more than usual, because it is through being able to focus on doing something but not allowing my mind to relax, like this, I won’t immediately turn to think about the bad news in my head.
In the end, during a late night coffee time with a friend at around 11ish, tears flooded my eyes and I was like a recorder, kept asking my friend why a depression costs losing my trust in humanity. I was crying to an extent that I must look like I have lost my vision, so my friend insisted that she had to send me home herself; I could not even go home myself but just standing on the street, I just felt so heart-broken and I needed her to hold my arms to take me home, and then she took a taxi to go home.
The same thing happened on Friday. It was a hot yet supposed-to-be happy day as my friend and I went to the theme park. Once my mind was relaxed when we were on the bus to leave the park, I cried like the day before, and my friend had to hold my arm to take me to get on the bus with her to go home, even requiring my mum to wait for me at the bus stop to bring me home, even the distance between home and the bus stop was just 10 minutes. I simply could not accept what had happened, which kept leaving me in tears.
I knew I had to accept that people and things would change and would come and go, but I really wanted to imagine that things were to be stay the same like how they were in their optimal level in the past. I reviewed myself, did I do something wrong so I deserved to have all these heart-breaking episodes up to this second that I am typing? I don’t know, I just know I am left with nothing but the feeling of heart-brokenness.
I got to my worst on Monday 11th, which was technically just 1 hour before this second that I am typing. I saw the psychiatrist, we talked about discrimination, we talked about humanly relationships. He said I had to let go, because, I would be too poor should I beg for a humanly relationship to form in the way that I hope that it would be. So I asked him instead, how’s his family, and I got to learn a little bit the fact that he is a Dad to 3 children who are in their early twenties like me, and he said he has a generally OK relationship with his wife. We talked about how a patient of his in the past revealed that he was living in a mental hospital, and then his boss fired him, and the patient chose to end his life by jumping into the sea. For me, I lost a humanly relationship, and also all the past memories which were basically negative incidents between me and my family all came back to mind.
I am a puzzle, where there is a huge piece of it missing, leaving me uncompleted. I know I need to stop myself to be in the state that crying is like breathing, but at night, I had nothing but only the desire longing for suicide, and I saw my funeral in my head again. I had beautiful make-up on my corpse, which was wearing a lace-white dress, lying in a coffins full of flowers. Some cute angels came to take my soul away from my physical body. I put up my arm, wishing like in the past that the angels would come on my way home. I am so sorry for the psychological harm I have done on my parents, by keep asking for death, they must be torn apart by my crazy wish and behaviours that followed.
I remember I screamed all the way home in my Dad’s car, and I could not stand properly when I was about to get into the lift to get to the level of where my home flat is. What have I become? Nothing but a burden to all, and this explains why it was due to my mental sickness that I lost a humanly relationship. Somehow, don’t know why, I stopped and remembered I had to teach tomorrow, so I stopped lying on the floor at home, headed for a shower, but again, I screamed. My heart is in so much pain. It is broken, I don’t know how to fix it. When will I be recovered from depression and bipolar and all these mental problems then? Again, I don’t know. I reviewed myself again, I still don’t know what to do with myself. I also feel that I lose trust in humanity; never trust people’s words and promises.
There are some people that I saw them out of manner in these past few months. When I got home, all I felt was pressure and sadness for the rest of the day. Why did I force myself to see people that I don’t bother to meet? Why instead, can’t people that I want to see come to see me?
I conclude for today that I start to feel like going back to the past, the wish for suicide really grows. I don’t know what I can control and what I can’t, what I can demand from people and what I can’t. At last, I just want to ask, what am I?