Mastermind

Heart-broken self-review 心碎的自我審查

maxresdefaultMy original draft was in fact ready to publish on Sunday the 10th instead, but I decided to be more truthful about my inner feelings, as I really want to release my fear, sadness, anger, and try to fix my heart. Now my reader, you are reading the updated version of 12 July typed at 1 am. I could feel my palm all sweat right now, I am feeling anxious, but I can’t just go to bed right now, I feel too overwhelmed with grief.

實際上,我原來的草案的帖子已準備好,想於週日,即10號就發布它,而不是待到現在,但我決定要更誠實地說出我內心的感受,因為我真的想釋放我的內心感覺:恐懼,悲傷,憤怒,並嘗試修復我的心。現在。我的讀者你正在閱讀我在12號凌晨1點打出來的版本。現在,我能感覺到我的手心都是汗,我感到焦慮,但我不能睡覺,我感到悲傷不堪。

 

Even earlier this week, I could sense that something would happen, and what was built up over a long time, then all crumbled down in one day.

即使是在本週早些時候,我能感覺到會有事情發生,建立了好久的,在過了很長的一段時間後,到了崩潰的一天了。

 

About a week before, I sensed this issue. I kept asking many questions to people over and over again. I asked why, why I had depression, why due to depression brought an end to a humanly mutual relationship, and left me in tears everyday; I feel trapped in a prison of tears, not to mention that my eyes are so painful everyday. To be honest, I would want police to arrest me so I can free my parents from the troubling me if possible.

大約一個星期前,我覺得有問題會來訪了。我一直在問很多人,一遍又一遍。我問,為什麼,為什麼我得了抑鬱症,為什麼因抑鬱症結束了一個相互的人與人之間的關係,讓我在每日落淚; 我覺得自己被困在淚水的監獄,更別說我的眼睛因為這事每天都好痛。說實話,我希望警方逮捕我,所以我可以釋放被我困擾著的父母。

 

I had to keep reminding myself that the universe dose not take orders from me, so when things happened between people in any humanly relationships which would be outside of what I had expected in mind, I shall not reacted crazily. Yet I have bipolar, I could not do it. Everyone told me that things had changed, I am to move on.

我必須時刻提醒自己,宇宙不會聽我指令,因此當人與人之間發生的事情將變成在我心目中預期之外的時候,我不會反應得瘋狂。然而,我做不到,我有狂躁症。每個人都告訴我,事情發生了變化,我要繼續向前看。

 

Although the issue was growing since weeks before, it was when I got a lot worse on Thursday, when the bad news came to me, and I thought I would be ok all by myself at the very beginning. That day, I danced a lot, so much more than usual, because it is through being able to focus on doing something but not allowing my mind to relax, like this, I won’t immediately turn to think about the bad news in my head.

雖然該問題是前兩週前已開始蘊釀,這是在週四,噩耗的消息傳來了,而我本來以為我會全部事情都可由我自己解決的。那一天,我跳了很多舞,比平常多好多,因為是通過能夠集中精力做一樣事情,不讓我的頭腦放鬆,就是這樣,我才不會馬上轉去思考那壞消息。

 

In the end, during a late night coffee time with a friend at around 11ish, tears flooded my eyes and I was like a recorder, kept asking my friend why a depression costs losing my trust in humanity. I was crying to an extent that I must look like I have lost my vision, so my friend insisted that she had to send me home herself; I could not even go home myself but just standing on the street, I just felt so heart-broken and I needed her to hold my arms to take me home, and then she took a taxi to go home.

最後,在深夜11點左右的與朋友在喝咖啡,淚水淹沒了我的眼睛,我就像一個錄音機,不停的問我的朋友,為什麼一個抑鬱症使我失去對人性的信任。我哭到一定程度,我必是看起來像我失去了我的視野,我的朋友堅持要送我回家; 我自己甚至不能回家,只是站在街上,我只是覺得好心碎,我需要她握著我的胳膊帶我回家,然後她才坐的士回家。

 

The same thing happened on Friday. It was a hot yet supposed-to-be happy day as my friend and I went to the theme park. Once my mind was relaxed when we were on the bus to leave the park, I cried like the day before, and my friend had to hold my arm to take me to get on the bus with her to go home, even requiring my mum to wait for me at the bus stop to bring me home, even the distance between home and the bus stop was just 10 minutes. I simply could not accept what had happened, which kept leaving me in tears.

同樣的事情在星期五再發生。那是一個炎熱但應該是快樂的一天,我和朋友去了遊樂場。可是當我們上車離開公園,因為我的心放鬆了,我像前一天一樣哭了,我的朋友只好握著我的胳膊帶我去上巴士跟她回家,甚至要求我的媽媽在巴士站等待我帶我回家,雖然家和巴士站之間的距離僅有10分鐘。我就是無法接受發生了的事,這一直讓我以淚洗面。

 

I knew I had to accept that people and things would change and would come and go, but I really wanted to imagine that things were to be stay the same like how they were in their optimal level in the past. I reviewed myself, did I do something wrong so I deserved to have all these heart-breaking episodes up to this second that I am typing? I don’t know, I just know I am left with nothing but the feeling of heart-brokenness.

我知道我必須接受的人和事會改變,並會來來去去,但我真的很想想像事情會一直一樣,在過去他們的以前最佳水平的時候。我回顧我自己,我做錯事,所以我理應有這一切的心碎的事件直至到我現在打字的一刻?我不知道,我只知道我一無所有,除了心臟破碎的感覺。

 

I got to my worst on Monday 11th, which was technically just 1 hour before this second that I am typing. I saw the psychiatrist, we talked about discrimination, we talked about humanly relationships. He said I had to let go, because, I would be too poor should I beg for a humanly relationship to form in the way that I hope that it would be. So I asked him instead, how’s his family, and I got to learn a little bit the fact that he is a Dad to 3 children who are in their early twenties like me, and he said he has a generally OK relationship with his wife. We talked about how a patient of his in the past revealed that he was living in a mental hospital, and then his boss fired him, and the patient chose to end his life by jumping into the sea. For me, I lost a humanly relationship, and also all the past memories which were basically negative incidents between me and my family all came back to mind.

我最糟糕是11日,就是我開始打字的1個小時前。我看了我的精神科醫生,我們談到了歧視,我們談到了人與人的關係。他說,我只好放手,因為,我乞求想去形成一段我希望的關係的話,真是太可憐了。於是我問他有關他的家人,知道了一點點他的事。他是3個孩子的爸爸,孩子像我都是二十出頭,又說他與妻子的關係算一般,正常。我們談到了他在過去一個病人如何因為透露他住在精神病院,然後他的老闆解僱了他,病人就選擇跳進海中結束自己的生命。對於我來說,我失去了一段人與人的關係,同時也將基本上我和我的家人過去的負面事故的記憶又帶回到了腦海。

 

I am a puzzle, where there is a huge piece of it missing, leaving me uncompleted. I know I need to stop myself to be in the state that crying is like breathing, but at night, I had nothing but only the desire longing for suicide, and I saw my funeral in my head again. I had beautiful make-up on my corpse, which was wearing a lace-white dress, lying in a coffins full of flowers. Some cute angels came to take my soul away from my physical body. I put up my arm, wishing like in the past that the angels would come on my way home. I am so sorry for the psychological harm I have done on my parents, by keep asking for death, they must be torn apart by my crazy wish and behaviours that followed.

我是一個puzzle,有巨大的一塊不見了,留下我,一個不完整的我。我知道我需要停止自己哭泣到像是呼吸的狀態,但到了晚上,我就只有渴望和嚮往自殺,而我又看到了我在我腦海的葬禮。我的屍體是身穿蕾絲白色禮服,還有美麗的彩妝,躺在開滿鮮花的棺材裏。一些可愛的天使來把我的靈魂從我的身體接走了。在回家的路上,我舉高我的右手,像過去般希望天使會來接我走。我已經對我父母造成心理傷害,我好對不起他們,他們必是由我瘋狂的斷地想死亡的願望和瘋狂的行為被撕裂了把。

 

I remember I screamed all the way home in my Dad’s car, and I could not stand properly when I was about to get into the lift to get to the level of where my home flat is. What have I become? Nothing but a burden to all, and this explains why it was due to my mental sickness that I lost a humanly relationship. Somehow, don’t know why, I stopped and remembered I had to teach tomorrow, so I stopped lying on the floor at home, headed for a shower, but again, I screamed. My heart is in so much pain. It is broken, I don’t know how to fix it. When will I be recovered from depression and bipolar and all these mental problems then? Again, I don’t know. I reviewed myself again, I still don’t know what to do with myself. I also feel that I lose trust in humanity; never trust people’s words and promises.

我記得我在回家的路上,在我爸爸的車,尖叫著,而當我正要進入電梯去我家的那層樓,我實在受不了而站不穩。我變成了什麼了?一個對所有人的負擔吧,這就解釋了為什麼這是由於我的精神疾病,我失去了一段人際關係。不知何故,不知道為什麼,我又突然停了下來,記得我明天要授課,所以我停下來不再趴在家地上,前往洗澡,但我又尖叫起來。我的心臟是多麼的痛苦。它碎了,我不知道如何拼好它。我什麼時候會從抑鬱症和狂躁症,所有這些心理問題康復呢?同樣,我不知道。我再次審查自己,我仍然不知道自己該怎麼辦。我也覺得我對人性失去信任; 永遠不要相信別人的話和承諾。

 

There are some people that I saw them out of manner in these past few months. When I got home, all I felt was pressure and sadness for the rest of the day. Why did I force myself to see people that I don’t bother to meet? Why instead, can’t people that I want to see come to see me?

還有一些人,在這過去的幾個月,我跟他們碰面是因為覺得是禮貌。當我回到家,我覺得感到壓力和悲傷了一天。為什麼我強迫自己見不想見的人?為什麼反而我想見的人不能來找我?

 

I conclude for today that I start to feel like going back to the past, the wish for suicide really grows. I don’t know what I can control and what I can’t, what I can demand from people and what I can’t. At last, I just want to ask, what am I?

我為今天結論,就是我開始覺得好像回到了過去,自殺的願望有長芽了。我不知道我能和我不能控制甚麽,我可以和不可以從人要求甚麼。最後,我只想問,我是什麼?

❤ Lala

Advertisements

One thought on “Heart-broken self-review 心碎的自我審查

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s