I need to learn, learn to lose. By losing, I mean, to let my guard down. People in Hong Kong or other big cities are always stressed out by working in those sky-scrapers. When the whole world discusses Brexit, I am still talking about how do I deal with my familiar clinical depression. In fact, I have always found that in many past occasions living in Hong Kong or other cities, I would put on a ‘mask’ which was a combination of gestures, facial expressions, words spoken out of my mouth, for the purpose to socialise with people just out of manner, rather than out of my truthfulness.
Back to me, the trivial and ordinary citizen. To be honest, I love to be stuck at home a lot as I call this privacy, which I could not enjoy during my 6 years living at a boarding school during teenagehood. I did say similar things about privacy and tired of socialising in my former posts, but I am finding myself harder and harder to accept myself, and I returned to living in guilt. In the past, I want to be on my own completely, now, I am afraid to be on my own completely. I hate tears but I can produce many, and I can’t explain how annoying this is for me. I am an annoying person and I admit to this. When I cry, sometimes I want privacy, so no one sees how ugly I have become in a turmoil; sometimes, I want attention from people to come to me right away with hugs.
Any words said to me by anyone, possibly just neutral in their mindset, sound hurtful to me, and these 3 days, I cried over words said by people instead of just accepting people’s comments. I know that logically, accepting doesn’t equal to agreeing. For example, maybe someone can come up to say to me, I am the ugliest girl ever. Then even I am not beautiful, I accept but I don’t agree to say yes, and not to get so upset about it. I think I just failed to apply this logic these days.
I only wanted good, positive words out of people’s mouth said to me, but this would be impossible, especially when it was me myself who talked negatively and behaved in a negative manner. So let’s say, I cry a lot so that is already a negative behaviour, because I could have smiled instead. Actually, if there was really someone who tried to just speak good words to me, actually he was not speaking out of his true heart, but just try to please me, either out of good or bad intentions. This is called ‘the reality’.
My psychiatrist is finally back today, after spending 3 weeks abroad at a medical conference according to his own words (not sure did he go on holiday so he took so long being away from Hong Kong). He simply said to me today, I don’t seem to have any improvements compared to 3 weeks ago, and to be honest, I was already getting a little sad after he said this. Then I bursted out into tears after I left the clinic; when my Dad heard about what was said by my psychiatrist and so he asked, why didn’t I improve then? Why? I don’t know why either, maybe just because I am not good enough, but not good enough at what? At recovering? Well, I did ask my psychiatrist if I could be cured sooner by having those treatments using electricity to stimulate my brain instead of taking medicine, and he said no. He only said that I still live in guilt so he had to change the medicine that I have been taking. Of course I live in guilt; I feel guilty about bothering all the closed ones.
I had an issue with myself, which is that I would always pretend to be tougher than I seem to be, even in front of my parents; maybe this is a result of being abroad for too long at an all girls’ boarding school, and from time to time sleeping over-night at strangers’ places when the school was shut. I feel weak to have tears run down my face in front of basically, I guess every single human. I would feel too insecure and unsafe if I don’t wear my ‘mask’.
我與自己有一個問題，就是即使在我的父母面前，我都總是假裝比真實的我要強; 也許這是在國外全女子寄宿學校活太久了，又在當學校關閉的時候不定期去陌生人的地方睡覺過夜。我在每個人類面前流眼淚都會覺得軟弱無能。如果我不戴我的 「面具」，我會覺得太沒安全感，人身也不安全。
I took a long time before I stopped asking ‘the destiny question’: God, why did you make me a mentally ill person? Although now I no longer think and ask this kinda questions, I still want to ask why is my recovery process so slow. After crying so hard, my mum suggested that I would be better off grabbing a bubble tea on my way home to cheer myself up, and now, I know I need to learn how to lose: I don’t have to get everyone to agree with my views on everything, and I don’t have to take negative words from anyone so seriously, except my closest loved ones. However, even those who love me did not realise they said words that hurt me to my guts, then the same theory still applies, which is that I shall not have to take negative words from them so seriously. Yet, it will be a very difficult task for me to learn actually.
So far, I found out my mum is the only one who always has this skill to know how to speak to me without hurting me, as well as my aunt, whilst almost all the others at some point did trigger me to get an emotional breakdown at least once or twice, which made me guilty and felt like a complete loser, a loser who is slow at recovering and unable to bear hard and bad things commented on me. However, they don’t actually want to hurt me, it is me, the listener’s problem.
My aunt once taught me, whatever that I do, I can lose (she means not being able to complete a task) a million of times, but as long as I don’t let my heart get defeated by failing to do something, the thing that I want to achieve will come true. She said that she is used to losing, so it is also no big deal that I lose now. I guess this could mean it is no big deal that I am recovering slowly, dose that include troubles I bring to people around me?
I lose in being as a part of the majority.
- So when the majority of the girls who went to a boarding school enjoyed their life abroad, let’s say in U.K., in the States, Canada for example, I was the odd one out that although I did have some good memories, negative ones were of the greater proportion.
- When I’m religious like many others, I find church life tiring to have to socialise with other Christians, unlike the majority who strengthens their religious faith through attending churches.
- When many of my girl friends at my age already talk about their dream weddings and wanna have kids in the future, I said no to being a mum and no to have a wedding.
- Last but not least, when the majority of people I knew in life are free of mental sicknesses, or just at a mild level of some stress-related sicknesses, I have a mid-level kind of clinical depression, anxiety, some weird phobia and mild bipolar.
I lost in many ways, but I have to put myself together again, because I still have stuff to do, however trivial those stuff may be ,e.g. I still have to give classes to kids tomorrow, and I still haven’t finished watching my favourite drama, ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’.
我在多方面都輸了，但我不得不又爬起來再來過，因為我還有事情要做，就算瑣碎的也好吧，例如，我明天還是要給孩子們上課，我還沒有看完我最喜歡的電視劇，「瑪格烈與大衛 – 綠豆」。
Most importantly, there are people that I still have to see, so no coffins to be chosen for me please, at least not now. However, this is all I feel for now: I don’t get myself, I don’t get my loved ones, I don’t get what and why my psychiatrist said certain things, I don’t get what anyone said.
P.S. If I hadn’t been spending my time crying, I would have gone swimming already today, like I said on instagram. Perhaps rather than thinking about what is going on in my world, I just think about when shall I go swimming next.