Mastermind

Dependence and gratitude 依賴與感恩

thank_you_gratitude

It has been exactly two week since I last saw my psychiatrist. When I was little and when I had a bad cold, I would automatically feel better just by having seen the doctor at his clinic, even before starting to take his medicine. I know this is how my mentality works, and not having been able to see and speak one word to my psychiatrist who might either be busily working for the whatever medical conference that he had to attend abroad or he was just chilling and enjoying a holiday abroad, I don’t care – but I just do not feel well by not being able to see him.

離我上次看我的精神科醫生,剛剛隔了整整兩個星期。我小的時候,當我患重感冒,我每次去到醫生的診所看過他真人,還未開始吃藥,就感覺好像病情已經好了點。我知道我的心理就是這樣,現在未能夠看到我的醫生,跟他一個字也說不到,因為他忙著在外國參加甚麼醫療會議,或他只是在外國享受假期,我不在乎 – 總之見不到他真人,我就是感覺非常不良好。

 

Luckily I still know that I can resort to typing a post. Actually, typing a blog post really eases my grumpiness and my fear; yesterday, I was about to go grumpy by throwing things around at home. Now as I am typing, I know this grumpiness comes from my insecurity of having to bear three weeks without the counselling of my psychiatrist, and also the frustration that I could not finish my studies about teaching the kids in the pace that I expected. (I have started working as a substitute tutor teaching kids English for almost a month now). About the frustration relating to studies, this means my bipolar is still sticking around to invoke me into thoughts of wanting to destroy things, forgetting what dose patience mean to me.

幸運的是,我仍然知道我可以寫帖子打字。實際上,打一篇博客帖子確實可減輕我的壞脾氣和我的恐懼; 昨天,我脾氣暴躁,我差點就實現了在家裡四處去扔東西。當我現在在打字,我知道這個壞脾氣來自於我害怕3週沒有我的醫生的心理輔導而產生的不安感,再加上我未能如預期般完成關於我要教孩子的温習,所以覺得好受挫。 (我開始作為代課老師去教小孩子英語,將近一個月了)。關於温習而來的挫敗感,這意味著我的狂躁症還纏在我身上,引致我有上去毀壞東西的念頭,忘記什麼是耐心和耐心對我的意思。

 

My mum always tries to remind me that I am recovering very well, but I still lack the confidence in myself in doing many things. I wonder am I really in control of my clinical depression, my anxiety, my phobia, my bipolar. So I have already said that with bipolar I am still struggling to get rid of it, and sometimes, it exists in a way that I feel like as if something is trying to make me feel itchy every few seconds. If I were to find evidence for checking on my depression, I can say quite firmly that it has been better! I look forward to go to dance classes, to see people that I like, to earn some money as a tutor, to wait for calls to go volunteering, to pick up playing the piano at home again. The phobia about noises has calmed down a little that for one time, I heard noises that I hate, I frowned and moaned, but I did not have that past intention to kneel down and cover my head with the intention to scream from the bottom of my throat. Lastly, there is this ironic thing that turns on my anxiety, which is the likelihood that I may return to U.K. to finish off my master. Once I think about studying in UK, I start and keep on sweating, especially my two palms as they would become so wet.I am in such a ridiculous dilemma: I do want to get my master done, and at the same time, I am afraid of going back to U.K. to live my life without my loved ones around.

我媽媽總是試圖提醒我,我恢復進度好良好,但我自己仍然缺乏信心做很多事情。我不知道我是不是真的控制得到我的抑鬱症,我的焦慮症,我恐懼症,我的狂躁症。我已經說過我仍然在努力想擺脫我的狂躁症,有時,它存在得讓我覺得好像有什麼東西正試圖每隔幾秒就讓我覺得癢。如果我要找證據對我的抑鬱症程度審查一下,我可以相當堅定的說我已經比以前好了!我對事情有期待,會想去上舞蹈班,見我喜歡的人們,去做老師賺一些錢,等待電話叫我去做義工,在家裡開始彈我放下了好久都沒有碰的鋼琴。關於噪音的恐懼症,我已經有平靜下來了。當我聽到我討厭的聲音,我皺著眉頭去抱怨,但我沒有以前那意圖,那好想跪下來cover著我的頭,要從我的喉嚨底部尖叫的動機。最後,諷刺的,可以回英國完成我的碩士學位的可能性,觸發我的焦慮症。每當我想到自己要在英國讀書,我就開始不斷出汗,尤其是我的兩個掌心,都會變到好濕。我在這樣一個荒謬的兩難境界:我希望完成我的碩士學位,不過在同一時間,我好怕要回英國過沒有我愛的人們在我身邊的生活。

 

To sum up, I have become a little over-dependent on the counselling from my psychiatrist and on my loved ones. I keep feeling that there is a huge gap left unfilled, an indescribable sense of emptiness in my heart. Should my psychiatrist never return to Hong Kong to talk to me, should my loved ones not keep appearing constantly in my everyday life, I don’t know how to face my future to come. I have already talked about my negative experiences with the National U.K. health service before I moved back to my parents in Hong Kong (see Love & Guilt 愛&內疚 ) – don’t ask me why, but I have a random 6th sense that says to me, I will want to jump into the underground track as a method to end my life once I go back there, and without counselling from a medical professional to whom I can put trust on, without my loved ones who are always in my daily life, but to live in U.K. alone; I don’t see the way to survive back there. Yet, I still want my postgraduate degree.

總括來說,我已經變得有點過分依賴從我的醫生所得到的輔導,和依賴我愛的人們。我一直覺得,在我的心臟裏有一個巨大的空位,給我一種說不出來的空虛感覺。如果我的醫生永遠不會返回香港跟我說話,和我愛的人們不能在我的日常生活中不斷出現,我不知道該怎麼面對我的未來。我之前在我搬回香港和父母生活前,我已經談過我與英國醫療服務的負面經驗(見 Love & Guilt 愛&內疚) – 不要問我為什麼,但我就是有一個無法解釋的第六感,告訴我當我回到英國,我會想跳進地鐵軌道作為我來結束我的生命的方法,沒有一個醫學專業的人是我可以信任,去得到輔導,沒有了我愛的人們在生活裡,但獨自生活在英國;我不知道如何在那地方生存。不過,我還是希望要我的碩士生學位。

 

Somehow I wish Hong Kong or the U.K. would celebrate ‘Thanksgiving Day’ like in the U.S. I read a few articles this week on Internet about forgiveness and thankfulness, I want to be a little positive, and so I decide to share restaurants and cafés that I have been to over these last few months, which I would recommend to my readers. (Again, I have no profits earned, not even 0.000000000001 dollar gained by talking about these places.) To talk about nice places, I am reminded of what dose gratitude mean. After so many failed suicidal attempts, as today I am no longer suicidal, one way to remind myself that life is good, is the fact that I can enjoy going to all these different people with people that I like,  and I am to repeat to myself,  there are things waiting for me to enjoy, and people who I want to spend time with at different places. When I think about places that I like and people that I like, I feel that there is greater hope in life, and my religious scriptures also tell me to have joy, and please remember joy is even greater than happiness(see The imagined funeral 夢中的葬禮).

我覺得香港或英國如果可以像美國般慶祝 「感恩節」會不錯的。由於這週我在互聯網上讀了幾篇有關原諒和感恩的文章,我就正面點,就決定分享我在過去幾個月去過的餐廳和café,推薦給我的讀者。(談論這些地方,我連0.000000000001元的收入也沒有過。)說說nice的地方,我可以題醒自己什麼是感激之心。經過這麼多次失敗的企圖自殺,今天我不再自殺,一種方式去提醒自己生活是美好的,就是我可以享受和我喜歡的人們去這些不同的地方的事實。我重複對我自己說,有事情等著我去享受,有人們我想見,去和他們去不同的地方。當我想到我喜歡的地方,我喜歡的人們,我覺得生活中有更大的希望,而我的宗教經文還告訴過我,有幸福/joy;請記住幸福比快樂大(見 The imagined funeral 夢中的葬禮

 

I have a list of places in Hong Kong for food and beverages in mind, please go to ‘Food Album’ on the Facebook Page of Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia to look at the photos and my short descriptions for each one of them if you are interested. And of course bilingual as usual (Link to ‘Food Album’:‘Food Album’ [Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia]) *Meanwhile, the photos will be updated gradually.

我有一個在香港地區吃喝的列表在腦裏,如果你有興趣,請去ὈμορφιάOmorhpia的Facebook頁面,去‘Food Album’看看照片和我簡短描述了每一個地方。和平時一樣,中英對照 (Link to ‘Food Album’:‘Food Album’ [Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia]) *這些照片將逐步更新。

 

The message which I truly want to get across is that today, 1)I still want to live with my loved ones, to do something as simple as eating some good food with them. 2)I still want to have hopes in helping those whose brains can randomly fail to control their own actions like me. Whether or not I will go back to U.K., I don’t know, but I know for now, I still lack courage to do so. I am scared about just living alone in U.K. where I have been living there basically like a local for so many years, with no language barrier or whatsoever. I suddenly miss ‘the old me’ who could even travel alone. Once I  almost arguing with other French people at a train station using my poor level of French back at the time as a foreigner for a train ticket, because trains got canceled and everyone went into a panic, not having a new ticket to travel back up to Lyon or Paris from Marseille, which is at the bottom South of France. However, by keep asking people for help and to gather information, I even got a new train ticket to go back to Lyon faster than many people who were still stranded at the train station.

我今天真正想要說的是,1)我還是想和我愛的人們住在一起,做簡單的事,像是和他們一起去吃一些好吃的。2)我還是希望可以幫助那些像我的,大腦可以沒原因的非預期的無法控制自己的行為的人。會不會回到英國,我不知道,但我現在仍然缺乏勇氣回去。雖然我基本上像一個本地英國人,一直生活在那裡這麼多年,又沒有語言障礙或任何別的問題生活,我害怕獨自生活在英國。我突然很懷念 “舊的我”,可以獨自去旅行。一次因為火車被取消了,大家都陷入恐慌,怕沒有新火車票由馬賽,法國的南部返回到里昂或巴黎,而我就用我當時還是好差的法語,一個外國人在火車站與其他法國人差不多吵架,不過問左問右的,於是比好多滯留在火車站的人更快拿到新火車票回里昂。

 

I am out of words already, I just hope that I will keep having hopes, and get to find out when is it that I will have the courage to deal with going back to U.K. and every little thing that is to happen in my life in a chilled mood.

我再沒有話說了,我只是希望我會繼續有希望,並找出什麼時候,我會有勇氣回英國,和可輕鬆的處理我生命中發生的每一件小事。

 

Wishing you all to understand the gift of being able to feel thankful, because for me, it has been hard to be thankful to things since I fell mentally ill. But thankfulness comes back to me all of a sudden today, telling me that first, say thanks for the fact that I am still alive.

希望大家能了解,知道有能力去感激,感恩,或知足,其實是一份禮物,因為對我來說,患有精神病後,要我去感恩變得困難了。但感恩它突然今天回來了,告訴我,首先,我要為我還活著的事實說聲感謝。

❤️  Lala

Link to ‘Food Album’, Facebook Page of Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia‘Food Album’ [Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia]

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