Master-key

Review to reflect 回顧而反思

c其實今天是想寫書評和劇評,因為這些作品對我看待自己的精神病有所啟發。因為今次看的書和劇也是香港/亞洲的作品,所以我就破例先用中文寫這個帖子吧(其實是不是人人都知道我每個帖子都是先用英文寫,之後再翻譯成中文的呢?)LOL !啟發我今次寫書評和劇評的人其實是我精神科醫生,和某位朋友。我被啟發如何要自救自己的精神病:原来習慣了丟架,不問面子是甚麼,一切就容易多了。

In fact, this post is about how I compare two books, and how I compare two texts. Since all 4 items are written in traditional Chinese, I will provide in the way of summary in the English version to make my points. My psychiatrist and a friend of mine were the 2 persons who inspired me to write this post actually. I got an inspiration: getting used to be shameful and embarrassing, things become easier to deal with.

 

 

我深信醫生和病人之間一定要有基本的信任,而我發現自己和我精神科醫生好像除了最私人的秘密,應該都無所不談。有一次,我又情緒失控,於是我坐了在西鐵讓人平時可以坐的地方;我當時是選了一個角落位。我同時情緒糟透了,覺得如果事情要是不如我所想的發生,我就去死好了;我想甚麼都依我,但我也幾實知道宇宙又不是我做的,所以我還未瘋透吧!當時,我只是一個人,心感到撕裂了的疼痛,除了哭,就只有哭,後來爸媽要親自來把我帶回家。我23歲了,竟然要人帶回家,還哭到沒氣力的在下樓梯時,就在快要爬上,準備上爸爸的車前眼前一黑的倒了在地上,才再被爸爸撿起。丟架吧,唉!我到今天已習慣了丟架,所以也不怕寫出來。死不了,就夠了。反正,面子換不到錢。

I had a strong trust relationship with my psychiatrist, who almost knew everything about me unless those things that are most secret to me. Well, there was once I broke down emotionally crying hard. so I told him that once I was crying at a rail station where people could find themselves a place to sit, and I was unreasonable enough to ask that whatever I wanted at that moment should be fulfilled, even though I know I was not the one who created universe and owned it. Alone, heart torn apart, tears came after tears. I was shameful enough to need to be picked up by my parents to take me home, at the age of 23. I even collapsed as in having a sudden blackout when I was going down a stair with no strength, then fell before I could climb up to my Dad’s car. I was picked up by my Dad. Just so shameful. Whatever, I am used to see myself being shameful, to an extent that now I even write about it. Shamefulness dose not kill, then that’s enough. Practically speaking, being shameless doesn’t bring about money.

 

我後來將當時的事情和我當時有的那個無理的想法覆述了給醫生聽,他問我,我那時候提出的要求是,我要一個人,那人要立刻趕來去出現在我面前,但其實可以嗎?醫生可真是會套話,這明明是我的說話方式!以醫生可叫他做伯伯的年資,他看透一切,還會學別人說話,我可真的是:少年人,你太年輕了! LOL 好了,我回答說,我知其實不可以的,沒有人會為我,或需要為我隨時候命,因為自己也沒可能為任何人隨時候命吧;當然,如果病得好重,都在醫院了插好喉的樣子,那我就可以這樣要求了。醫生點點頭,意思是,我原来還有理智吧(苦笑!)。然後就是我朋友了。有天我問她有像其他女生瘋狂追捧,看那 「太陽的後裔」嗎?我說我覺得「太陽的後裔」太超乎現實了,朋友卻說,她覺得也算是不錯的韓國偶像劇呀;她好像挺喜歡看吧。就這樣,我想劇評一下我看了幾集的「太陽的後裔」,去比較我追看的「瑪嘉烈與大衛系列 綠豆」。作為病人,我從對比這兩套劇集悟到一些道理了,雖然是愛情的為主;劇集不談情說愛還可以如何。之後,我想對比兩個純文字的作品,由它們我悟到一些有關親情和愛情的道理。

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My psychiatrist is a very experienced doctor, who is so good at understanding people’s personality and mentality or just thoughts of people. I told him what happened that day and about how I had a irrational demand. He asked me a question in the way which would be how I would usually get my way round to draw an answer from another person. So he asked, would I see that my request back then, to demand someone to appear in front of me so to come to me right away, in fact ok to ask so? He is too good and I’m apparently too young, and I shall be better off at admiring his speaking skills over mine. I said the answer is no, because no one will, or shall be on call, ready for me any time; of course, if I am so sick to an extent that I am connected to tubes on a hospital bed, my request makes sense. Then one day came my friend, with me asking her whether she was also a die-hard fan of a Korean idol drama, ‘Descendant Of The Sun’, which I found too fairytale-like and unrealistic, and I told her I was watching something much darker about the ugliness of humanity, which is a Hong Kong produced drama, ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’. As a patient, I want to compare these 2 drama, also compare 2 text writings, for the former comparison is mainly concerned about romantic love, the latter allowed me to do some thinking on family and romantic love.

 

我對比的兩個文字作品,一,是一本我一直都好喜歡的書,叫 「有一種禮物叫痛苦」,我也曾在這部落客提過我是這本書的粉絲(見There is a gift called pain有一種禮物叫痛苦)。想對比的是一份最近才出品的週刊,香港01的一篇報導。兩個文字的作品都關於一個有病的人,不同的,是命運,是態度,是遇上的人。

In the two texts that I compare, the first text, which is published as a book, is called ‘There is a gift called pain’, which I had in the past talked about how I was a fan to the writer in an ancient post of my blog . (seeThere is a gift called pain有一種禮物叫痛苦). The difference is that there are two patients, but differ in destiny, attitude, and people who they came across in their life.

 

「有一種禮物叫痛苦」裏面,還在瑞士念大學的香港女孩Constance突然得了一個罕有的癌病,學校同學叫她加油,好好醫病,回港有家人陪著她醫病,還有馬來西亞的男朋友特地飛到香港去醫院陪她。Constance的媽媽更勉勵讀者,Constance就算有病,跟一般女孩一樣,更一樣可以談戀愛,其他病人和家屬也一起正面吧。其實今天,Constance已經離開了這個世界,可是整本書都是正面的氣紛。她勇敢面對每次治療,她不問為什麼自己會得這個病,身邊的人都疼愛她,照料她,可她還是離世了。香港01 裏說的是一個殘疾人仕,這個她說,她家人對她說,別輕易以為別人對她好是真心的,反而要小心是來騙財的。她有一前男朋友,最後還是嫌棄她的殘疾,還臨離開前說了非常難受的話。可是現在的她,在媒體上呼籲大家停止歧視殘疾人仕,並還有位新男朋友,常照顧她。看了這對比,我想,如果要我選,我也不知道寧願做那位好。我想想我自己,就只知還好自己家人雖沒像她的家人一樣正面,但都起碼不會讓我覺得沒有人會愛我,人都是來騙財的,其實我媽媽還常說我有知己好友;說愛情的話,誰也好,總之,時間會證明一個人的戀愛運吧!

In ‘There is a gift called pain’, the author Constance wrote about how she was having a rare cancer, but she got lots of support from her family, her Malaysian boyfriend flew to Hong Kong to visit her at hospital to give her encouragement, her mum wrote in the book that her daughter was just like other girls capable of doing many things, including to have a romantic relationship, other patients’ families shall not grieve so much but to be positive. Although Constance was no longer on this Earth, she wrote a book full of positive atmosphere before she left, without asking why she had such a disease. As for the lady interviewed in Hong Kong 01, she was told by her families that those who would get close to her could be cheaters of money, so she had to be careful, and she had an ex-boyfriend who threw harsh and nasty words at her, about her disability when they ended their relationship. Now, she spoke out on media, telling people to reject discrimination, and now she has a new boyfriend who takes care of her. Having read these, I cannot imagine I am either of them. I just know, even my family is not as positive as Constance’s, at least they won’t let me to learn a concept that no one loves me, people are money-cheaters; at least I have Mum from time to time says that I have intimate friends; in terms of romantic love, whoever you are, time will prove your fate.

 

無論如何,為甚麼對比兩個文字作品,我讀了後覺得心好痛呢? 有時,我會覺得好像有人悄悄在我耳邊說,我也快將離開這個世界,要不就被所有人拋棄,因為連家人也會受不了我的;好多時,在家,我不是哭,情緒低落,就是發有點孩子氣的脾氣。我還有焦慮症!我覺得我著緊的人可能好快也和我一起死。我一個死好了,放過我著緊的人吧!我一個死好了,那我可以舒服的離開嗎?我當時又一邊寫這帖子一邊哭了,還好,我以習慣丟架。我因為怕我著緊的人會出事,我已經可以哭起來了。我好像已丟架到我也無言了:我又抑鬱症,又焦慮症,又某類聲音恐懼症,又燥狂症。

Anyways, why is it that after reading the two texts, my heart becomes so painful? Sometimes, I think that as if some people have whispered into my ears, saying that I will leave the world very soon, for if not, I will be abandoned by all, ‘cos even my families will fail to withstand my temper. For loads of the times at home, either I was down and just dropped tears, I threw a kiddy kind of tantrum grumpily. I also have anxiety! I think people who I care about will soon die with me together. Let me die alone, don’t seize the lives of those I love! So can I leave the world comfortably by myself? I was crying as I was writing this post, but fortunately, I am used to shamefulness and embarrassment. As I am worried that people I care about will face any sorts of accidents, just by imagining those accidents to be taken place, I can burst into tears already. I think I made myself fallen into a speechless stage as I am filled with shamefulness and embarrassment: I have depression, anxiety, phobia to certain noises, and even bipolar.

 

哭也想寫下去,就是我想對比「太陽的後裔」「瑪嘉烈與大衛系列 綠豆」「太陽的後裔」,完美的俊男美女,命中註定,偶像劇的美好,在現實的話可不得了!「瑪嘉烈與大衛系列 綠豆」,最基本都有精神出軌,多角戀,現代人醜惡的心態全都曝露。相見好,同住難,男一和女一同居了。我想我一定是好老了吧,我也會問我爸媽年代的問題,問為甚麼好多人一輩子都同居,而沒有婚姻關係:為甚麼不直接結婚呢?不喜歡或金錢上有困難,就別擺酒也好吧!

Let the tears run down my face, I was so determined to want to compare ‘Descendant Of The Sun’ and ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’. With ‘Descendant Of The Sun’, the perfection of a hot handsome guy and a pretty girl, star-crossed lovers, such ideal couple in an idol drama, I cannot believe if it were true in reality. ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’ involves at its minimal level, cheating on one another ‘spiritually’, polygonal kind of love, revealing the ugliness of the mindset of the people of today. Cohabitation is entirely different from just seeing each other at each date, but anyways, the main guy and the main girl started their cohabitation life. I guess I must be so old, ‘cos I want to ask that question of my parents’ generation, which is, why would so many people choose cohabitation over marriage: why can’t you just get married? You don’t need to hold a wedding feast necessarily if you don’t like it, or if it is because money is posing you problems.

 

住在一起,那是要做實驗,相處好才去結婚,不好找分手嗎? 那同居了,需要有一定時候回家的責任,關心對方家人的責任嗎?同居?好像卡在中間了!

By cohabitation, is this some sort of experiment, if the two get on, then they will get married, and if they don’t, they will break up? After you have started your cohabitation life, do you have to bear the responsibility to be home for your other half rather than staying outside for fun, and also have to care about the other half’s family or not? Cohabitation? It seems to be putting yourself in the middle of nowhere, not one way or the other.

 

maxresdefault我再想,因為是現代人,就可以精神或身體出軌嗎?小三竟爭人家的丈夫,人家的丈夫想太太和小三都要,男二不要有家庭責任不跟任何人正式交往。那我想問,性格不合,要去磨合還是不合即分?大部分我爸媽年代的,會教我們八九十後,好好磨合吧。如「瑪嘉烈與大衛系列 綠豆」的男一是真實例子: 男一懷疑對方出軌,男一選不問好了,因為知道是真的可會game over!「瑪嘉烈與大衛系列 綠豆」有幾句對白好有意思的!我記錄了幾句:

So I think, could it be that now we live in an open society, it is acceptable that your other half cheats on your either in terms of their mind or their body? The mistress tries to get another’s husband, the husband wants to keep both his wife and mistress to himself, the second guy refuses to be in a proper relationship to escape from familial kind of burden. So let’s ask, when two different personalities of two persons clash, shall they learn to compromise, or break-up right away? Most people of my parents’ age would answer, ‘just compromise’. Let’s say the first guy of ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’ is a real life example: he suspects that his other half has cheated on him, he has chosen to stay silent than to know the truth. This is because, well, by knowing the truth may actually send a ‘game over’ message to the relationship. ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’ has a few good dialogues! I noted down a few:

女二(小三)說: 「所有嘢你擺係個心度,會唔夠位擺 !」於是男一說:「 咁你咩都講晒出嚟,係咪開心啲?。。你放唔低嘅,你走到天涯海角都放唔低㗎!(所以說女二出國走走也多餘)」

女二(小三)對人家的丈夫說:「人生最唔想要嘅係希望。(其實想怪人家的丈夫,希望他變成自己的丈夫)

The mistress says: ‘If you just keep everything to yourself deep inside your heart, your heart will run out of space!’ So the main guy replies: ‘Do you actually feel happier by speaking out every single thing then?…If you can’t move on, even you go to the most far end of the world, you will not move on (so he said the mistress is simply being ridiculous to decide to go for a trip).

The mistress then says to the husband of another, ‘The last thing I want in life is hope'(She actually tries to blame the husband of another, saying that he is still the husband of another woman but not hers).

 

我是接近女二性格的人吧! 我不是要去搶人家的丈夫, LOL,但我覺得,所有東西都擺在心裏?我會死的! 就算不會變開心,我如果連說也不可以說出口,我會認為自己連人權也沒了,那就真的死了好了。女二放不下的是男人;我放不下的是過去的不快經歷。前兩天在閱讀「火柴人」的小書本,是我十多歲的時候買的。我讀到連火柴人原来因現實環境不允許,放下做消防員的夢,去做魔術師,過去和朋友的不和也放下了。卡通也可以好有意思!我想我在向火柴人學習,把自己的心情好好管理,而我通過了去精神病院做義工的培訓日了!所以,我希望我可以幫幫那些於精神痛苦範疇是我’前輩’的人。

I think my personality is closer to that of the mistress actually. Not that I wanna be fighting over a husband of another woman, LOL, but I do feel that, when everything is embedded in the heart and muted, I will die, seriously! Even speaking out everything dose not make me happier, if I am not even allowed to speak what I want with my mouth, I feel being deprived of my humans right, then I will call upon death. As mistress cannot move on to leave the guy she loves, I cannot move on from my unpleasant past experiences yet. Two days ago, I was reading those tiny books featuring the cartoon ‘stickman’ of Hong Kong, bought when I was in my early teens. Stickman cannot fulfil the society’s requirement to become a fireman, so he decides to become a magician, and he moves on and be-friends again with friends he used to have issues with. Cartoons can have deep meanings too! I think I am learning from stickman, putting myself together, and I passed the volunteering training day at a mental hospital! So hopefully I could help those who I shall call them ‘senior’ in the world of mental sufferings.

 

好了,就是說,我也要放下以前的不快記憶,我要我愛的人們留在我身邊,不要走;現在的我,最怕自己一個,我好需要常常有人陪,不過我有抗拒獨立的這個問題 -每次當我有回到英國的想法,我是真的好害怕 —又獨自一人了。

Ok, what I want to say is that, I need to move on from unhappy memories, and to those who I love, will you stay beside me instead of leaving me? The ‘me’ now is most afraid of loneliness, I need to have people to stay with me so badly. I have this problem of anti-independence – I get so frightened now each time when I have the thought to go back to U.K., alone again.

 

大人可以善於說謊,要騙人,方法總有!看「瑪嘉烈與大衛系列 綠豆」(叫「羅生門」的那集)吧!現代人呀,這叫做開放,或是出軌呀?要是我是男一,我會因為自己有精神病,一定自動去想自己的另一半騙我,我是受害者,而不敢相信我在這方面會有類似Constance的福氣;可能,醫好了抑鬱症,焦慮症等,我就會相信別人,不再黑暗的想人與人之間的關係。如果有對我好的人看到這帖子,不要生我氣去猜度每個人呀!我在看醫生了,可能好快就知到你是真心!而最近我好像真的覺得這個世界的人和事也不是壞呀,就還可以吧。

Adults are good at lying, and there are many ways to do this! Watch ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’! Is it better to call people of today as open-minded or cheaters? If I am the main guy, I will automatically think that my other half must be lying to me due to my mental illness, and I am a victim,  and I will never be as lucky as to things that happened to Constance in the aspect of a romantic relationship; perhaps, when depression, anxiety are cured, I will start to believe in people, stop having my dark thoughts about humanly relationships. If by chance a person who treats me nicely has come to read this post, don’t be angry with me as I speculate a lot about each person. I am seeing the psychiatrist, I will soon find out your truthfulness to me. Recently, I feel that people and things in this world don’t seem that bad, and actually, they seem OK.

 

做人,不只愛情,有時甚麼也好,沒有希望倒好,那就不用失望了。 不過,如果我不去希望自己會有天,由病人變做精神病康復者,那我應該每天做甚麼好?去哭到暈,醒了又再去哭到暈嗎?唉,到頭來,原来又是要面對我的精神,面對的過程又要丟架吧!

To live, in terms of in a romantic relationship, or whatever, once without hopes, then no disappointments. Yet, are you asking me that I stop hoping for a day that I am all cured, and then what shall I do now everyday? Cry till I faint, then once I am awaken I cry again to get fainted? Well well well, in the end, I still have to face my mentality, and the process is gonna be full of shamefulness and embarrassment, I know.

 

只能說,請各抑鬱症患者也和我一起醫病,我們一起丟架好了! 不要理會情緒失控時做過的丟架事,因為我發現,原来,哭泣,是會停止的。

Other depression peeps, join me to cure this illness then! We can be shameful and embarrassed together! Ignore those past shameful and embarrassed things we did when we got emotional breakdowns. It’s because I find that in fact, the crying out of tears, is something that is able to come to a stopping point.

❤️  Lala

附:我不會翻譯下面我從粵語流行歌曲裏挑出來的歌詞,如果我試圖給我的翻譯,原歌詞會失去了意思。總之,你有一個人了,珍惜就好了;如果你是單身,等待the one好了。 好吧好吧好吧! 我想,我要聽的是「紅日」(李克勤),LOL! (在想著那些低低BB的歌詞,已引我發笑!)

P.S. I won’t translate the below the lyrics I picked out of Cantonese pop songs, the original lyrics lose their meaning if I try to give my translation. In sum, cherish the one you have if you are in a relationship now; wait for the one, if you are single. Well Well Well! I think what I need to listen to hear is “Red Day” (Hacken Lee), LOL! (just think about the lame lyrics makes me laugh!)

  • 在談戀愛的:「人比人」 (Twins)

難道今天 才明白何謂真愛 就是要
能承受對方的不理想 他始終有自己
優點跟缺陷 誰也沒法 共誰來比
若叫他將我們比 或者他會揀你

  • single的:「找對的人 」(張敬軒) !

一早編好的情人
早晚 始終會等到

 

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