Mastermind

The imagined funeral 夢中的葬禮

If I ask you to imagine the ideal world for you, what would it be? Would it be the utopia kinda world like in the song named ‘Imagine’ by Beatles? To Beatle fans, sorry, no offence but you know there are countries right? So the impact of the rest of the lyrics on me, I simply won’t comment about then. Yet, the most important thing is there is love between people (plus creatures like our pets), would you agree with me?

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When I hiked in Munich

如果我叫你想像你理想的世界,那會是什麼樣的呢?難道是烏托邦世界般的,就像在Beatles的’Imagine’ 裏嗎?Beatles的粉絲,對不起,但你知道我們有國家的吧?所以,其餘的歌詞對我的影響,我就不予致評了。然而,最重要的是還有人與人之間的愛(加上我們和寵物之間的),你同意嗎?

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I was reading a Hong Kong leisure magazine, and one author wrote, ‘love is when you only want to say hello to that particular person but not goodbye’. Yes, I think he is so spot-on. He is one of my favourite writers, named ‘Alton Yu’, just in case if you wanna know. He gave this short phrase as an answer to a reader who wrote to him about romantic relationship, but actually, this phrase applies to all kind of other humanly relationships. But what if, I don’t want to say hello to myself but goodbye to myself instead?

我之前讀一本香港的休閒雜誌,一位作者寫道,「愛就是當你只想和那特定的人打招呼,但不是說再見」。是的,我認為他一針見血。如果你想知道他是誰,他是我其中一個最喜歡的作家,叫 「余迪偉」。他這句短短的話其實是他寫來回答一位讀者給他寫關於愛情的問題,但實際上,這句話適用於所有類別的的人與人關係。但是,如果,我不想和自己打招呼,但說再見呢?

 

Yes, this week, like last week, the suicidal thoughts still stuck around, and I could have done better, and yet I felt like a complete failure. I still got grumpy easily, and I tried so hard to control myself, took meds, did many exercises, and thanks to a recent job which I had started working at just part-time, the fact that I got to interact with different kids who were aged below 11 made me smile. Although I don’t want to be a mum myself one day, I still like hanging out with kids of others, ‘cos they are naive but true; adults love office politics, mask their emotions, and we tell both white and mean lies. I remember I was simply happy each time when I got to help out my aunt to babysit her granddaughter Yannis (so my cousin’s baby girl). Kids are magicians who always provide me the potion of positivity. In their eyes, the world doesn’t seem so bad.

是的,這一週像上週,我自殺的想法還在,我可以做的更好吧,但我覺得自己徹底失敗。我仍然好容易脾氣暴躁,我就努力控制自己,吃藥,做了很多運動,並感謝我剛剛開始兼職的工作, 讓我與年齡11歲或以下的不同的小孩子可以進行互動,感謝他們使我可以有笑容。雖然我並不想自己有一天成為一個母親,我還是喜歡與其他孩子玩耍,因為他們天真,卻真實; 大人喜歡辦公室政治,掩飾自己的情緒,我們又會說好意和惡意的謊言。我記得每次我幫我的阿姨照看顧她的孫女Yannis(我表哥的BB女),我都是開心的。孩子是魔術師,給我提供做人要正面的魔法藥。在他們眼裡,這個世界似乎並不太糟。

 

For girls, maybe most of them fantasise a little about their wedding, or at least hope for a marriage, so they may own the love not just from blood-related families and close friends, but also from their other half. For me, I sometimes ask myself, what is a wedding. This is because I think no one would care for me in the end after a long time, as I always said and did abnormal and annoying words and acts, and I would become a notorious depressive person. Except my poor parents, for they gave birth to me, their conscience said they cannot just kick me out of their home, which, when I have reached to the notorious day in the future, I should not be part of their home. Will I be cured?

對於女孩們,也許他們大多都會幻想一下自己的婚禮,或為至少希望結婚,所以他們可能自己不只是擁有和由血源相關的家人和親密的朋友的愛,但還有和另一半的愛。對於我來說,我有時問自己,什麼是婚禮。因為我認為在很長一段時間後,最終沒有人會關心我,因為我總是說和做了不正常的或惱人的言語和行為,我會成為一個臭名昭著的抑鬱人仕。除了我可憐的父母,因為他們生下了我,他們的良心說,他們不能踢我出去他們家,但我其實又覺得,當我已經達到了臭名昭著的一天,在未來,我不應該是他們家的一部分。我會很快病好嗎?

For a few times already, I don’t understand why, in my daydreams, I have been seeing myself as the corpse in my own funeral. I saw myself so clearly as a corpse one midnight this week. In short, that night, I didn’t manage to catch the last train home. I was at first still acting like a normal human being, by thinking about what could be the alternative transports. I decided to ask my Dad to drive to the station directly to pick me up, and this marked the commencement of my shameful emotional breakdown in public.

已經幾次,我不明白為什麼,在我的白日夢中,我一直看到自己的屍體在我自己的葬禮裏。我這週的一個零晨明確地看到自己如何作為一具屍體。簡單來說,那一夜,我沒能趕上末班車回家。我起初還像一個正常的人,思考有什麼可以替代的交通公具。我決定叫我爸直接開車到車站來接我,這也標誌著我羞愧的於公眾場所情緒失控開始了。

 

I have been abroad for so long in the past, I have been out late at night for countless times, yet, this time, in one of the safest cities in the world called Hong Kong I felt that I am in danger. The station was closed so I could only stand outside. Almost no other persons except those taxi drivers with their taxis and a few persons with yellow helmets on, so for sure they are those staff who have to check out the railway; no one was there, except 3 other persons . I felt breathless, heartache. My logic said nothing bad would come to me because at least there were around 10 taxi rivers around, so if I scream they would know. I had to clarify that there were no racism issues for what I am saying next: but there were 3 Middle-Eastern guys who were clearly staring at me, but not in a friendly way. I felt like they would do something bad to me, for I had been been molested 3 times, of which each time was when I was in a crowded place which people might touch one another both accidentally and intentionally was possible, and each time was done by an Middle-Eastern guy touching my body part for a few seconds, and yet I can’t prove them having harassed me in that kind of environment; I am not narcissistic, I can tell the difference between touching by another in terms of normal social contact and by unlawful intention.

我過去一直在國外這麼長時間,已經無數次深夜在外面,然而,這一次,在世界上被稱為最安全的城市之一的香港,我覺得我有危險。車站被關閉,所以我只能站在外面。幾乎沒有人在那裡,除了的士司機和他們的的士,少數戴著黃色安全帽的人,所以肯定他們是那些檢查鐵路的人;此外還有3個人。我覺得喘不過氣來,心口痛。我的邏輯告訴我說沒什麼不好的事會發生的,因為至少有大約10輛的士在近,所以如果我叫喊,他們會知道。我必須澄清,我下一步說的沒有種族歧視的問題: 但有3中東的男人在顯然盯著我,而不是用一個友好的目光。我覺得他們會做一些對我不好的事,因為我已經被非禮3次,其中每次,我也在可能發生相互不小心接觸到別人的擁擠地方,每次也是中東的男人摸我的身體幾秒,而在那種環境我又證實不了他們的騷擾行為; 我不是自戀,我可以分到正常的社會接觸和非法的意圖觸碰的區別。

 

In short, crying, shaking, walking around, muscles all tensed up, I felt useless and couldn’t help but to look down on myself. About 10 years ago, I also once missed the last bus at night with a friend, and I remember all that I did was crying, following my friend who was calm and led me to find alternative transport and then to stay-over for a night at a person who she knew; I was 13 or 14. 10 years later, I missed the last train, and what I did was crying publicly, unable to catch my breath, and nonetheless knowing that Dad was on his way but reacted in this manner, and I am 23.

哭泣,顫抖,走來走去,肌肉繃得緊緊的,我覺得自己好無用,忍不住看不起我自己。大約10年前,我也曾經在晚上和一個朋友錯過了末班車,我記得我當時也是哭了,就跟著我冷靜的朋友去尋找可替代的交通公具,然後留在她認識的人的地方先過了一晚; 我那時是13或14歲。10年後,我錯過了末班車,明明知道爸爸在他的路上,而我所做的就是在公共地方哭,呼吸都沒能回氣; 我23歲, 我竟然是這樣反應。

 

I felt like a loser. If an incident like this could turn me into a breakdown, how am I qualified to have a job, to have the right to interact with kids without bringing them bad influence, to qualify to interact with any humans to build up new social relationships and to maintain the old ones, and to have hope for anything else in the future?

我覺得自己是一個失敗者。如果像這樣的事件可教我失控,我怎麼有資格去有一份工作,去有權利和孩子們互動,而不帶給他們不良影響,有資格與任何人交流,建立新的社交關係,並保持舊的,並對未來有任何其他希望?

 

I just remember this was the time I saw my funeral in its clearest form ever in my brain: with my hair dyed back to its original colour, in a white lace dress, the makeup on my corpse came with some rosy-coloured blush on my cheeks, I looked peaceful in the small coffin. I saw my Mum, crying silently and she lost two sizes of weight, dressed in black. I saw my Dad and in his eyes there was nothing but a sense of emptiness. A few friends came to pass their condolences in person, including a friend, who once taught me that the worst thing a kid can do on her parents is to die before them, and I am this kid in the end. I saw everyone in tears, except baby Yannis who could not understand what was going on so she was so busy handing tissues to each person. I saw myself felt like tied in the corpse, yet I could not get out to talk to all these people and stopped them from crying. As I type about this now, I can’t believe my mind would have automatically ‘gifted’ me images of my own funeral. I can’t believe I was having such a strong urge to run into cars to die; it was still most scary to remember that I once heard myself to tell myself to die in London, by jumping down to the rail track of the tube.

我只記得這次是我的大腦有史以来最清晰的看到了的我葬禮畫面:我的頭髮染回原來的顏色,穿了白色蕾絲禮服,我的屍體臉頰上帶著一些紅潤色腮紅,我在小棺材裏顯得平淨。我看到我媽媽,默默地哭了,瘦了2 sizes,穿著黑色的衣服。我看到我的爸爸,他眼中有的只不過是空虛感。有幾個朋友來親自來慰問,包括一個朋友,曾經告訴我,一個孩子可以對父母做的最糟糕的事情就是比他們先死,而最後我就是這孩子。除了小BB Yannis不明白發生了什麼事情,她忙著給每個人遞上紙巾。我看到自己感覺就像被綁在屍體裡,但我無法走出去跟這些人說話,阻止他們哭。我現在在打字,我不敢相信我的腦海竟然 「送」我自己的葬禮的影像給自己。我不能相信我之前有這樣一個強烈願望,去跑去車路尋死; 最可怕的記憶,仍然是我己在倫敦時曾經聽到自己告訴自己去尋死,要跳下去地鐵的軌道。

 

Perhaps I shouldn’t have, but I still went for a group interview for a non-profit organisation, as to get selected to be trained as a volunteer who will help out on mental health issues, involving getting in touch with people of my kind who are also mentally messed up, but only maybe they are the senior and I am the junior, as they are more messed up than me, so that’s why this kind of organisations exist.

也許我不該,但我還是去了一個非營利組織的一個小組面試,以被選擇要受訓成為一名義工,去對心理健康問題作出幫助,包括接觸像我心理上搞砸了的人,但只是也許他們是前輩,我是後輩,因為他們的心理比我更糟了,所以這就是為什麼這種組織存在吧。

 

In brief, the group was to speak in turn and hearing about my reason of wanting to volunteer was dramatic enough for the other candidates whose reasons, mostly involve personal interests. I may appear to all as a joke: a patient with suicidal thoughts tries to convince others that she wants to help other patients, so when two patients come together, will they end up fixing a date of suicide to leave this world together?

總之,小組每人輪流說話,聽到我希望做義工的理由已足夠戲劇性,因為其他候選義工想做義工的原因,主要是涉及到個人利益。我可能對大家來說會是一個笑話:有自殺想法的患者試圖說服別人她竟然希望幫助其他病人,所以當兩個病人一起,他們最終將相約一個自殺的日期,一起離開這個世界嗎?

 

I consider myself amusing too, but at least, those people and me are on the same boat, and I know not that I will be capable of cheering them up, but I would be able to cry with them from the bottom of my heart, if this helps. To reduce troubles for any others, I had a quiet word with the interviewer one-on-one at the end when everyone had left, telling her that me having depression and bipolar might fail their expectations on what volunteers could fulfil, and so asked her to consider my mental state as a factor of selecting me or not, although I would be honoured if I can help out. The interviewer spoke in a social-worker tone and thanked me for coming even I was mentally troubled. Her face said to me that I made her speechless, as she could not immediately let out some nice and formal words out of her mouth to me, the patient.

我認為自己好可笑,但至少,這些人和我都在同一條船上,而我知道我是沒能力哄他們開心,但我將能夠從我的心底裏與他們一起哭,一起哭可算是幫助嗎?為了減少麻煩任何人,大家都離開後,我與面試官一對一的說,我告訴她因為我有抑鬱症和躁鬱症,可能會不能夠滿足他們對義工的期望,所以我請她記得考慮我的精神狀態,作為選擇我與否的一個因素,但我如果我可以幫忙那將是我的榮幸。面試官用一個社會工作者的語氣說,感謝我有著心理問題卻也來了。看她的臉,我知我讓她無語,因為她無法立即由自己的嘴給我,給一個病人,去說出一些友善和正式的話。

 

I wonder if I have the ability to be a volunteer or the ability to do many other things, and most critically, for me, I wonder if I deserve to be loved, when I recently guess, could it be that in my subconsciousness, I am very attention seeking so I always see myself dying and want people to come and see me and cry for my death, as I feel so lonely and empty in my heart? I only have myself to blame for having said yes to leave home and to bear to live a life which I don’t enjoy but to be suppressed by such life-style voluntarily, for 10 years. If only I were braver to stand up against my parents and said I wanted to go back to Hong Kong to live with them but not to live in boarding houses, host families. I still have not yet managed to move on.

我不知道我有還有沒有要成為義工或做很多其他事情的能力,最關鍵的是,對我來說,我不知道我是否值得被愛,當我最近在想,會不會是在我的潛意識,我很渴望別人注意,所以我總是看到自己死去,希望人們來看看我,為我的死哭,因為我的心裡覺得好孤獨和空虛?我只能自己責怪自己,在當時答應離開家,去過我不喜歡的生活,自願被這種生活方式壓抑了10年。如果我以前有勇氣的反對我的父母,說我想回去香港和他們一起住,但不是住在宿舍和寄宿家庭,會好點兒吧。我仍然還未能放下過去。

 

To be honest, to have the courage to admit that I am a mentally-sick person to many people who I know through the blog or my own mouth or WhatsApp, is already a miracle, because I still feel that having mental problem shows that I am not a strong-minded person who is unable to overcome mental pressure, maybe too spoiled since childhood. Some people inherit mental DNA from their parents (so I better not to be a mum and pass on such genes), but I am the only mentally sick person in my entire family. I have no excuses.

說實話,要有勇氣通過博客或我自己的嘴或WhatsApp跟自己認識的人,承認我是個精神病人,已經是一個奇蹟,因為我還是覺得有心理問題,說明我我是無法克服心理壓力,自幼也許太被溺愛的人。有些人繼承其父母的精神病DNA(所以我最好不要成為一個媽媽,去延續這些基因),在我的整個家庭我是唯一的精神病患者。我沒有任何藉口。

 

Is it a very severe disease if one’s brain cannot control mental processes and thoughts, when brain is the master of a humanly body, so a mental problem can be even more severe than getting a physical problem on a body part? Whilst the answer is yes, my Mum once spoke words of wisdom on this question. She said, but with cancers, you can die easily, but if you put a mentally sick person to see a doctor and gets him watched over, you don’t die as quickly and easily. A round of applause to my mum. I hope that whoever except my parents who are close to me actually loves me from the bottom of his heart, not out of sympathy or mercy or curiosity. I am 23, I still have many things undone.

當大腦是主宰一個人的身體的一切,是不是如果一個人的大腦無法控制思想和想法,所以心理問題甚至可以比身體的一部分生病了,是更嚴重的一個疾病?雖然答案是yes,我媽媽曾經談到這個問題說了至理名言。她說,癌症,你可以很容易死,但如果你帶一個精神上有病的人去看醫生,精神病的人不會這麼快和容易死去。快給我的媽媽掌聲鼓勵吧。我希望,無論誰,除了我的父母,誰接近我的其實是從他的心底愛我的,而不是出於同情,憐憫或好奇。我23歲,我還有很多事情未做。

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During wine-tasting tour at Château Lynch-Bages, Bordeaux

 

To be honest, I keep on crying as I type this post. I will try to put myself together but in positivity. For my next post, I will now set the target to endeavour to everyone how once upon a time, I had been learning the nightlife culture, when I dared to be outside late at night, and I be-friended with alcohol (Disclaimer: I am not here to encourage drinking). Sadly, I cannot go back to the old times to hang out on the street so late, because I must have aged so much and have become so sick to find this scary to do so. I want to have a hope that I have a future free from mental sicknesses, no longer go into a breakdown by missing a train and sensed the fear of being alone when it was just half 12 a.m.

說實話,我在寫這個帖子是一直在哭。我會盡量叫自己積極好了。我現在就設定目標努力於下個帖子給大家說說如何曾幾何時,我學習過夜生活文化,我敢深夜在外面,並於酒精作伴(聲明:我這裡不是鼓勵飲酒)。可悲的是,我不能回到舊時代這麼晚了在街上,因為我一定是老了好多,已經病到覺得這樣好可怕。我想有一個希望,我有一天會沒有精神病,不再因為趕不上火車和只是零時12點半就感覺到孤獨的恐懼。

 

If only I could have joy but not simply happiness; happiness is when you feel positive for a short period of time but later you can be unhappy again, but joy is the other level when you are in whatever mood, you still feel there is hope in yourself for the hardship you are facing, then you have joy. This is what I read from a spiritual/ philosophical book, should you buy this author’s view.

如果我能有幸福,但不是簡單的快樂;快樂就是當你感覺一小段時間正面,但可以再次不高興,但幸福是令一級別,是當你在任何情緒裡,你還覺得你自己是的有希望的,就算面對困難,你也幸福。這是我從靈修/哲學的書閱讀到的,你可選你會不會讚這個作者的觀點。

 

For now, I just hope that I don’t have to get dreams or to imagine my funeral as forced by my brain.

現在,我只希望我的大腦不再逼我做夢或要去想像我的葬禮。

❤️  Lala

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