Mastermind

I am sorry for your loss 請節哀順變

Today, let’s be straight forward, I want to talk about suicide; precisely, why however hurt I felt by my fu*ked-up mind, I need to try to erase this idea to end my life.

今天,讓我直接說,我想談談自殺; 準確的說,是要說為什麼我已被我紊亂的思想傷得好狠了,我還需要嘗試抹掉我想結束我的生命的想法。

 

IMG_6711
At a florist (Causeway Bay)

As everyone will often hear, when you attend a funeral, you express your condolences by saying ‘I am sorry for your loss’. In fact, it dose not matter what you said exactly, all that matters is, the deceased is gone, and that’s it. I always tell people around me, I want a pink rose please, and I always take pictures of flowers!those dried hand-made decorative ones or real ones, both can make my day.

當你參加一個葬禮時,大家都會經常聽到,你表達你的哀悼,所以說 ‘請節哀順變’。事實上,不管你說什麼,死者是以走了,僅此而已。我總是告訴我身邊的人,我希望要粉紅色的玫瑰,我也常常看到花就拍照 !那些手工製作的裝飾花或真花都可以,花可以讓我開心一天。

 

Since these 2 weeks I have been diagnosed with my usual depression and my anxiety etc., I did mention roughly that I now also have manic depressive disorder, in other words, bipolar on top of my depression. So basically, I even consider violent acts to both myself and any other people thanks to bipolar. As usual, I still have both the crying-forever thoughts thanks to depression,  and the everyone-is-gonna-abandon-me-soon thoughts from my anxiety. In case my writing is not expressive enough, I am narrating my conditions, sarcastically. Nonetheless,  there is the improvement about stop asking myself everyday why I got mental problems, and yet, it is so scary that I have suicidal thoughts, which thought had left me already few weeks ago, came back to visit me.

由於這2個星期,除了我平時的抑鬱症和焦慮症等等,我也大概以前提到,我已經被診斷為也有狂躁抑鬱症,換句話說,現在的我是抑鬱症加躁鬱症。基本上,感謝躁鬱症,我甚至會想像可以實行一些暴力行為,對自己和其他人也可。感謝抑鬱症所提供的思想,像往常一樣,我仍然會想永遠哭嚎,然後感謝我的焦慮症,我的想法是,人人都會很快就離棄我。如果我的寫作描述程度不足,我剛說的是帶著諷刺的口吻。然而,我停止了每天問自己,問自己為什麼我有心理問題,但可怕的是,本已經離開了我已經幾個星期前的自殺念頭,回來探望我了。

 

*Disclaimer: I won’t, or at least try to avoid from get into commenting on political matters in this blog, so my dear reader you do not have to make your opinion about why I start to talk about 4th June 1989.

*聲明:我不會,或者至少試著避免在這個博客上的發表政治意見,所以我親愛的讀者,你不用問我為甚麼談論1989年6月4日。

 

So basically in the end of May, I revisited the ‘June 4th Memorial Museum’ for the second time. In general, the tiny museum has become less informative but more sentimental than when I went there 2 years ago. I no longer saw that ironic viIMG_7092deo which used to be looping there during my last visit, where CY Leung said the incident has to be condemned, and his disapproval of sending kids to study abroad. Neither there was the video about tank man, Wang Weilin (if you have no idea what I am talking about, please see the link at the end of the post).

在五月底,我第二次去了“六四紀念館”。整體來說,微小的博物館裏,比我2年前去的時候,資訊變少了,但多愁善感了。我不再看見那我第一次去時無限重播的諷刺視頻,在裏頭,梁振英表示,這六四事件應要聲討,要反對將孩子送出國留學。也沒有了坦克人,王維林的視頻(如果你不知道我在說什麼,請看在帖子末尾的鏈接)。

 

This time, the visit had a much more huge emphasis on Tiananmen Mothers and so I also thought about those old ladies a lot. The death of their kids…well, I won’t try to explain it to you, but the main point is, their kids were truly gone, and no one can bring them back to life, and this fact truly tortured these mothers mentally. If you are interested, I copied a short poem which was said to dedicated to them, and from which I only concerned about how would a mother feel about losing her child – I try to contemplate how would my own mum see the potential death of me, because I start to have suicidal thoughts again, and this is truly scary.

這一次,紀念館更重視談論天安門母親,所以我也在思想這些媽媽。他們孩子的死亡……好吧,我不會試圖解釋給你聽,但重點是,他們的孩子們真的離開了,沒有人可以給他們來個起死回生,這事實折磨這些母親的精神吧。如果你有興趣,我copy一首說是奉獻給他們的短詩,我其實只關心一個母親失去她的孩子的感受 – 我試著去思考我自己的媽媽會如何看待我有可能的死亡,因為我早已開始再次產生自殺的想法,好可怕。

Words written in ink may try to beat;
Words written in blood never cheat;
Words carved in wood go deep and clear.
Invisible are words written in tears!
By Yau Shun-Chiu in Vérossa, Switzerland, Spring 2016
Translated by S. P. Almberg

墨寫的辯﹐血寫的不騙﹐
刀刻的﹐入木三分顯﹐淚寫的﹐看不見﹗

 

I will give an example. So in the town where I live now in Hong Kong, one of the public transports is light rail, a bit like trams actually. I was on the platform, looking at the rail-track, I suddenly had an urge to jump down to the track, so when the next tram came, I would be gone. I told myself silently in my head, suppress this thought, I told my mum about this thought that I was having, and she was silent.

我舉一個例子。在我現在在香港住的區,輕鐵就是公共交通工具之一,有點像電車。在平台上,我看著鐵路軌道,我突然有了一種衝動覺得要跳下去,所以當下一輛輕鐵來了,我也就不存在了。自己默默的在我的腦裡告訴自己要抑制這種想法,我告訴我媽媽這個想法時,她沉默了。

 

I know that deep down, it is because I know on this Earth, there are people that I love so this has kept me wanting to stay here, and there are good memories despite the bad ones, and mum, who is the closest human being to me ever in my life of course holds a huge role in my to-die-or-not-to-die consideration. I can get grumpy by anything too easily that I am so guilty, why am I in a cycle which is just about crying, feeling guilty, getting grumpy, speaking in the speed of fibre optics, suppressing the wish to carry out violent acts.

我知道,在內心深處,那是因為我知道在這個地球上,有我愛的人所以這使我想留在這兒,和我也有美好的回憶,儘管也有壞的。媽媽是人類中在我生活裡最親密的人吧,所以她對我考慮和思考要不要死有了巨大的份。我可以容易對任何東西感到脾氣暴躁,我很內疚,為什麼我在一個cycle裏,我就反正只是哭泣,感到內疚,脾氣暴躁,在光纖的速度說話,要去抑制進行暴力行為的願望。

 

I attempted suicides, but I am still here now, typing, so my time has not come yet as controlled by God or destiny or fate or, whichever similar word you would prefer to express this idea. Perhaps I really need to live longer to do something good? At the least I hope that’s a correct thinking – people need me, just like my mum needs me, and she won’t wanna hear ‘I am sorry for your loss’, right? Religious speaking, could it be God have stuff that want me to do before I leave the ‘temporary home’ named Earth?

我嘗試了幾次自殺,但我現在還在這裡打字,所以我的死亡時間還沒有到,因為受神所控制,或是因為命運,或是因為緣分,或任何類似的話,你可表達這個意思就行了。也許我真的需要活得更久去做一件好事?至少我希望這是一個正確的思想 – 有人會需要我的,就像我媽媽需要我,她不會想聽“請節哀順變”,對吧?宗教來講,這可能是上帝有一個要我做的東西之前,我就未可離開命名地球的這個 “臨時的家”嗎?

 

There was a night I was crying this week, yeah, again I was crying. In the middle of the night, I was telling my mum about my past memory, about a girl who I kinda just knew her but was never close to back at my high school. So this girl, her mum and dad were divorced, and for quite a long time already, she lived with her biological mum and her step-dad, who she said loves her and who sadly had lost his own biological daughter some time ago. As the gone daughter used to play ‘Fur Elise’ on the piano, this girl said she then tried to practice hard for this same piece, as a birthday gift to surprise her step-dad. So on the day, her step-dad heard the song, he was both overwhelmed by happiness and sadness; so happy that his step-daughter would play this song for himself, but so upset that his own biological daughter was gone, as a matter of fact.

我在本週有一個晚上哭了,是啊,我再次哭了。在半夜,我告訴我媽媽我的過去記憶,關於我以前高中的一個女孩,我跟她不太熟。這個女孩,她的媽媽和爸爸離婚了,相當長的一段時間她是和她的親生媽媽和她的繼父住在一起,她說繼父愛她,可悲的是,前一段時間繼父失去了自己的親生女兒。由於走了的女兒經常演奏 “給愛麗絲” 這鋼琴曲,這個女孩說,她就試圖苦練這曲,作為生日禮物送給她的繼父,給他驚喜。當天,她的繼父聽到這首歌,他又快樂又悲傷不堪; 太高興了,他的繼女會為自己演奏這曲,可也好悲傷,事實上,他自己的親生女兒也是真的離開了。

 

❤ Lala

Youtube:The Tank Man

 

 

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