Master-love

Love & Guilt 愛&內疚

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Credit to: Koala Bear

✨ 1. me myself 我自己

✨ 2. stranger 外人

✨ 3 . parental 父母

✨ 4. friendship 友情

✨ 5. romantic 愛情

✨ 6. religious love 宗教的愛

 

I know the 2 previous guest authors before me wrote about romantic love in the ‘Master-love’ category. For me, I want to talk about different kinds of love all in one go here – a total of 6 different kinds, from a depression patient’s point of view. This is basically the main point I wanna make in this post:

我知道在我前兩位嘉賓作者在’Master-love’ 裏都是寫關於愛情的愛。今次,我想一次過,從我是抑鬱症病人的角度,把6種不同的愛都一次過寫出來。基本上,我在這帖子是想表達這個主題:

 

I can cry because others took care of me causing guilt, despite the fact that I enjoy feeling their love; at the same time, I  feel ashamed that my character is not strong enough, since I need to receive care from others. I want to be strong, yet I want to be loved.

我可以因為別人對我有過照顧內疚,於是就哭起來,但其實我好享受這被愛的感覺;同一時間,我因為自己不夠堅強,要去承受別人的照顧,我好慚愧。我想堅强, 又要被愛。

 

I have the problem of living in guilt.

我的問題是,我在內疚感裏生活。

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✨ 1. me myself: For many times, I ask myself, do I deserve receiving love, and if I do receive so, how to I pay back the love that I have received, when someone loves me specifically, not that it is an unconditional love towards the whole world. Lastly, with depression, I sometimes can’t love but hate myself, then how do I love anyone else?

我自己其實好多次,我問我自己,我值得被愛嗎,如果是的話,當有人是特地對我好,已不是大愛,我要如何歸還我接受過的愛。最後,因為抑鬱症,我有時愛不了自己但是討厭自己,那我要如何去愛別人?

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✨ 2. stranger I think people don’t know how to love, even they try to; or you can say the expression of love is hard. Even without knowing or with me mentioning that I have mental problem, I remember in my previous post I talked called ‘Hong Kong Samaritans Befriends’ and ‘Suicide Prevention Services’, which are two charities which are supposed to answer their phones 24/7, to those who wanna kill themselves, right? (See ‘Put myself to A&E 將自己送去急症室‘ ) The latter hotline has no answers but voice mail, asking people to go to A&E directly if needed, but the former one was about this volunteer who was so provocative, and kind of led me to want to and dialled 999. Let me emphasise that I didn’t make up any facts nor exaggerate the conversation between me and her. So I said to her that I wanna die, I have a certain kind of sickness, but she just kept asking me to answer her questions. I became annoyed, and I said if she kept speaking to me in this way I would complain about her to the organisation, and maybe I would call back, provided that I would still be alive on this Earth later on. Her answer was basically telling me that I could go ahead and complain about her, and if I call back one day, then I can do do. This marks the end of our conversation. Lastly, like I said in ‘Put myself to A&E 將自己送去急症室‘, no one rang back to me at all. I wanna know, if they truly want to love others by being volunteers, and assuming that they must be, why spoke in such manner then? Is this love or not? Or this is love but just attitude-wise, I am unable to make sense of people like them?

即使他們試圖去愛,我認為好多人們不知道如何去愛; 或者可以說,表達愛是很難的。即使不知道又或是自己沒有提到過我有心理問題,我記得我在以前寫的帖子中,我談過“香港撒馬利亞會”和“生命熱線”,是24/7都應有人接電話的兩個慈善團體熱線以去跟想要去自殺的人聊天的吧? (見 ‘Put myself to A&E 將自己送去急症室‘)後者那熱線只有留言信箱並沒有人聽過電話,於錄音內要求人們去如果需要的話直接去急症室,前者是我說關於一名非常挑釁的義工,我撥999的這事上,她是其中一個因素促使我走到那地步。我是真的可以強調我沒有寫任何不實的事,也沒又誇張化我和她之間的對話。我對她說,我有一個病所以我想死,但她只是一個勁地要我回答她的問題。我變得惱了,我說,如果她一直這樣,我會對她所屬的組織投訴她,和如果我仍然活在這個地球上,以後也許我會再給她打電話。她的回答基本上是告訴我,隨便去投訴她,於將來我可以這樣再打電話過來。我們的談話就這樣結束了。最後,就像我在’Put myself to A&E 將自己送去急症室‘ 說,沒有任何人給我回電。我想知道,如果他們真的想成為義工,去愛別人,或讓我假想他們是想去愛人,那為什麼要以這種方式說話呢?這是愛嗎?或者這就是愛了,但只是從他們的態度來想,是我自己無法明白他們了嗎?

 

In my previous appointment with my psychiatrist, he simply shrugged at my 2 hotline incidents after I narrated these to him, and said basically it all comes down to an extreme lack of resources of volunteers to answer such phone calls, and the number of volunteers in general for the mental health sector aren’t sufficient anyways. He is right, because from what I experienced with NHS (UK national health service) when I was living in London, I saw a talking therapist who just listened to me and said she could not help anyways, just quickly wrote an e-mail and sent me to another branch of the NHS. The other branch sent a registered nurse to see me, telling me that I should cherish my ‘luck’ to be able to live in U.K., instead of telling her that I had enough of being alone in the U.K. for 11 years, and wished for quitting the NHS service, which would no way be able to provide me the opportunity to see a psychiatrist; in short, I said, please discharge me from NHS, I would seek medical help in Hong Kong instead.

在我上次去看精神科醫生,我講述說那有關於2熱線的事件,醫生聳聳肩,說這基本上,就是這一切都歸結到極度缺乏義工去聽電話的資源上,和跟別的醫療系不同,一般精神科都在義工數字上較缺乏。他是對的,因為從我住在倫敦與NHS(英國國民保健服務)的經歷,我看過一位治療師。她只是聽了我說話,說她沒有能力幫我,只是很快寫了電子郵件將送我到NHS的另一個分支。另一個分支派了一名註冊護士見我,她告訴我,我應該好好珍惜我能住在英國的「運氣」,而不是告訴她,我在英國11年獨處受夠了。而反正NHS 沒有辦法能夠提供我機會去立即看精神科醫生,我就要求退出NHS的服務; 總之,我說請將我不留在NHS 的病人名單,我會自己在香港尋求醫生的幫助。

 

I got a feeling I mentioned about the above 2 incidents in one of my posts already, sorry for being repetitive if that’s the case. The talking therapist and the nurse were both trying to show love, I suppose, through helping me this patient, but funny enough, wanted to achieve by saying tons of bullshit. Perhaps it is the lack of resources that made them fail to demonstrate their love in a proper way (or probably they give me treatment just because they need to earn their livings). After all, my current psychiatrist charges me around 2000 HKD per session. By the way, being a psychiatrist is a good profession that gives you good fortune, you see? LOL! Anyways, it makes complete sense if strangers don’t care about me, or vice versa; we are strangers, or at most acquaintances. There is no guilt issue at this point.

我有一種感覺就是我好像以前已提過以上的兩件事,如果是真的重複了,我先說聲抱歉。我想,治療師和護士都試圖獻上愛心去幫助我這一個病人(也好大機會是受人錢財,替人消災,只是工作上要招呼我),但有趣的是,她倆的做法是想和我說廢話來達到目的。也許是缺乏資源,所以使他們未能以適當的方式證明自己的愛心。畢竟,我現在看的醫生收我每節大概2000港幣。順便說一句,作為一個精神科醫生可是一個很好的職業,盤滿缽滿,你說不是嗎? LOL!不管怎麼說,如果陌生人不關心我是合理的,反之亦然;因為我們是陌生人,又或是說叫做認識的人而已。在這一點上,我沒有要忍受罪惡感的問題。

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✨ 3 . parental: I receive love from my parents, my aunt and my cousins who I grew up with as a kid; parental love in specific during the time when my parents came to U.K. to take me back to H.K. in Feb this year. Today, I am still learning about how to move on about my grudge against my parents for the past affairs. Reading these two old articles of mine shall explain my relationship and feelings of me as the daughter to my parents: ‘Gratitude 感謝‘ & ‘Depression&Me 抑鬱症&我‘ . For my parents, at the least they are the ones who brought me to the world themselves without my consent, so even now they had to take care of me, and even I am feeling guilty, my guilt is not as strong as to someone who is non-blood related. Yet, I know actually I am quite a heavy burden to them since I have depression.

我接受到愛,來自於我爸媽,阿姨,和我小時候一起長大的表兄弟姊妹; 尤期當我的父母特別願意在今年2月來到英國帶我回香港,我最感受到父母親的愛 。今天,我仍然在學習如何繼續向前看,將我對我怨恨父母在過去的事中放下,走出來。讀我的這兩篇舊帖子應可解釋一下我身為女兒和我父母親的關係:’Gratitude 感謝‘ 和 ‘Depression&Me 抑鬱症&我‘。對於父母,至少是他們把我帶到了世界的,又不是我同意的,所以即使現在的他們不得不照顧我,我也感到內疚,我對他們的愧疚感又可是不及對別人重(就是沒血緣關係的人)。然而,其實我知道我給他們來說是一個相當沉重的負擔,不竟我有抑鬱症。

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✨ 4. friendship: On this, I think ‘a friend in need is a friend indeed’, especially some of them who actually tried and still try to make an effort both mentally and physically to help me. The more effort put on me from a friend, then I know this is a friend to whom I should cherish more than the other friends, as I feel the love very apparently. For friends, they in fact did not offer the practical kind of help to my depression, let’s say, at the most they could do might be to stay by my side to chat, to give me a hug, to let me stay at their places temporarily, but not in an actual practical sense, e.g. paying medical fees. LOL~I am thankful that I got friends who I can chat with, as my peer, someone of the same generation. So there is the guilt, but this kind of guilt is quite bearable.

‘患難見真情’。 有了這病,有些朋友在我精神上和身體上都有去幫我,真的嘗試過和仍然還在試圖為我的病作出努力的都有。當我有一個朋友願意比別的朋友人將更多的精力放在我身上,那麼我就更知道,此人的地位超過了我其他朋友,是應該要我特地去珍惜的朋友,而我是好顯然的感到這種愛。對於朋友,他們其實並沒有給我的抑鬱症提供實際的幫助,他們可以做的最多是可能會留在我身旁聊天,給我一個擁抱,讓我去他們家暫住,但不是非常實際,例如,支付醫療費。LOL~我很感謝,我有是平輩,是同一世代的人的朋友可以和我聊天。因此,我對他們有內疚,但這種內疚感不是太辛苦。

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✨ 5. romantic: I am talking about long-term commitment kind of romantic love which can lead up to marriage or life-long cohabitation, not friends with benefits etc.

我說的是打算長遠交往,可變成婚嫁或長遠同居的愛情,不是說各取所需的那種。

 

I have enjoyed recently a Hong Kong traditional Chinese book named ‘Hong Kong Sex Secrets’, where I agree that in reality, there is no such dramatic romance. The more I read this kinda books, I realise the less I have been watching Korean idol drama, but turn to things like the new Cantonese Drama ‘Margaret and David – Green Bean’ on Viu TV; if one party or both parties wants to cheat, even the two persons are in cohabitation, there is a way round it and you just live in a bubble of lies. 

我最近喜歡一本名為‘Hong Kong Sex Secrets’的香港小說,是繁體字的。我同意小說裏說,在現實中,戲劇性的浪漫是不存在的。我讀這類書越多,我越意識到我少了看韓國偶像劇,轉向“瑪格麗特和大衛 – 綠豆” 這類型的新廣東話劇 ; 如果一方或雙方要騙對方,就算兩個人都在同居,你還是有方法去說謊的,而你只是活在謊言的泡沫中。

 

We are all playing the most scary gambling game on Earth that you hope that your other half wishes to be in this ‘game’ for life too. This game has a strong link tied to our psychology. I don’t care whatever your moral rules are, but for your mental well-being, don’t try the so-called compensated dating game by using sex as your chips; unless you have chosen to be a sex worker or of related jobs as your profession.

我們都玩地球上最可怕的賭博遊戲,你希望你的另一半想在這個“遊戲”裏一生一世。這個遊戲和我們的心理聯繫在一塊。我不在乎你的道德標準,但為了你的精神健康,不要使用緩交,就是性作為籌碼;除非你選擇成為性工作者或相關工作為你的專業。

 

If you are still young but participate in things like compensated dating (prostituition), you are increasing the harm that may be done on your mentality, which could probably be depression or something mental, then you will end up joining me to enter the world of mentally-ill peeps. May I just ask you to read the book named “My 16-year-old compensated dating diary” by Nakayama Misato, and to watch this Hong Kong movie named “May We Chat”?  Why those characters are always depressed and torn apart in their hearts, even they keep earning the desired money after each compensated dating session ?

如果你還年紀小,但參與援交之類的(賣淫),你在增加你的心理損害,這很可能是抑鬱症或或其他心理問題,最終會加入我的世界,就是進入精神病人的世界。我誠邀你讀中山美裡寫的,命名為「我的16歲援交日」的書,和看一部名為「微交少女」的香港電影!雖然她們由援交賺取到所需的錢,但為什麼總是心傷鬱結?

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The thoughts and behaviours of each human are just so different, let’s say, financially well-off girls still take part in compensated dating, and many students in Hong Kong suffer from an enormous amount of pressure. Do not say this is because their thoughts are low morally or just simply incorrect. One can have mental trouble to start with, seeing things that their peers have  but they don’t, so they want the same thing too, isn’t this so easily understood? Or due to that empty heart, a girl wants to be loved, and she uses compensated dating to ease this pain of emptiness, and after all, this is a mental problem. One could have been mentally ill for a long time actually , yet as a student, and to come to face academic problems, academic stress eventually pulls the trigger, then a successful suicide is completed.

人類有好多不同的思想和行為,例如,不是說富有的女生就不援交的,也有好多香港的學生都有很大的學習壓力。不要說為甚麼就這些人思想低等或不正確。本來心理困擾,覺得平輩們有的自己都想要,這思想很容易了解; 因為內心空虛,想要被愛,想要援交來舒發,其實就有著心理問題。本來可能一直是精神病人,因為有做學生的煩惱,學業壓力變了導火線,於是自殺身亡。

 

Since I have depression, don’t know since when, I keep asking myself, how can I expect to deserve to have a romantic relationship; aren’t I inferior? Moreover, my depression has developed to a new level, how sad. Depression itself is all about harming and killing myself and forever in tears all by myself but now that I am declared to have ‘manic depressive disorder’ instead, which is also called bipolar. This means that basically before, what in my thoughts are the ‘bad’ things that I want to do to myself, by now, I even have thoughts to get these things done onto the others. Yet assure you first, I am taking meds to keep my thoughts all under control, no one single person is harmed yet.

由於證實我有抑鬱症,不知道從什麼時候起,我不斷地問自己,我怎麼能指望值得擁有一個浪漫的關係; 是我自卑嗎?此外,我的抑鬱症已經發展到一個新的水平。自己殺死自己本身是所有關於自我傷害,並想來想去都是全部由我自己殺死自己,永遠在流淚。但現在,我宣布我有「躁狂抑鬱症」。這意味著之前,基本上我的想法有好多想對自己做的「非好事」,現在,我甚至有想法,把這些事情都讓他們發生在別人身上。我先向你保證,我正在吃藥讓我的思想可受在控制,到這一秒也沒有一個人受到過傷害。

 

I know the universe dose not take orders from me. During my emotional breakdowns, I have crazy demands, let’s say, I would just cry and demand what I want, to appear at once in front of me and if not, I feel more grumpy and declare to myself that it is time to kill myself.

我知道宇宙不會聽從我的。在情緒失控的時候,我會提出瘋狂要求,比方說,我不停哭,並要求我想要的,要立刻在我的面前出現,所以如果沒有立刻出現,我覺得更暴躁,並自我宣佈,是時候自殺了。

 

I have learnt one thing from this past week: everybody is an individual。 No humans will be on call 24/7 for me. Of course at the worst stage, I did need to be watched over 24/7.

我已經從過去的這一周學會了一件事情:每人都是一個獨別的個體。沒有人會24/7都為我。當然,在最壞的階段,我也需要被24小時監察。

Of course I still have suicidal thoughts, of course my tears still love to run down my face from time to time, and the most poor thing is I keep paying to my psychiatrist, but I am still sick. He said I already improved! LOL! Do you agree? I feel so broke financially speaking.

當然,我仍然有自殺的念頭,當然,我的眼淚還是在臉上流,而最可憐的是我繼續支付我的精神科醫生,但我還在病。他說,我已經在改善!LOL! 你同意嗎?經濟上覺得自己好窮。

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✨ 6. religious love.

Sometimes religions really suck, as you feel that why you still don’t get well even you try to be a sincere believer. I have been reading a book which asks why evil exist. This time I will answer a little. If you are the type of believers who always think one must go to church, you may give your criticisms after reading my old article, ‘Getting philosophical 哲學入門‘.

有時候真的認為宗教好教我氣餒,我試著以真誠做好信徒,我為什麼還沒有病好了呢。我最近在讀一本書,問為什麼邪惡存在。這一次,我會回答一點。如果你是那種信徒,那種一直認為一個人必須去教堂的類別,去閱讀我的舊文章,並想給我批評的話,閱讀“Getting philosophical 哲學入門”。

 

I now only know that no way I can force others to love me and agree with me on many things, even I choose to love them, but this is called freedom and respect towards the others.

我現在只知道,我就算愛別人,我沒辦法強迫別人也愛我和在許多事情上同意我的觀點,但是這就是給他人自由和尊重。

 

Like Job, see how much he likes asking questions, and for now I can’t be bother to ask questions ‘cos once I started doing so, I wanna die again as I tend to over-think. I choose life, because my death will lead to a serious mental breakdown of my mum. I feel like all the thoughts of death from January come back to me, and honestly, I’m afraid that I start to do reckless things again.

約伯,看他多喜歡問這問那,而現在的我已經懶得問問題,因為一旦我開始這樣做,我會因為我傾向過份思想再次想去死。我選擇活下來,因為我的死將導致我媽媽嚴重精神崩潰。我從一月時想去世的所有思緒都又回來了,老實說,心裏好怕我自己又亂來。

Job 7 :16  I give up; I am tired of living. Leave me alone. My life makes no sense.  我 厭 棄 性 命,不 願 永 活 。 你 任 憑 我 罷 , 因 我 的 日 子 都 是 虛 空 。 

Job 7: 20  Are you harmed by my sin, you jailer? Why use me for your target practice? Am I so great a burden to you? 察 人 的 主 啊 , 我 若 有 罪 , 於 你 何 妨 ? 為 何 以 我 當 你 的 箭 靶 子 , 使 我 厭 棄 自 己 的 性 命 ?

Job 7:21 Can’t you ever forgive my sin? Can’t you pardon the wrong I do? Soon I will be in my grave, and I’ll be gone when you look for me. 何 不 赦 免 我 的 過 犯 , 除 掉 我 的 罪 孽 ? 我 現 今 要 躺 臥 在 塵 土 中 ; 你 要 殷 勤 地 尋 找 我 , 我 卻 不 在 了 。

Deuteronomy 30:19  ‘I have set before you life and death….therefore choose life’.  我 將 生 死 禍福 陳  明 在 你 面 前 ….所 以 你 要 揀 選 生 命。  

❤️ Lala

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