Mastermind

Put myself to A&E 將自己送去急症室

WARNING *super long post this time again* 😅  *這次的帖子超級長*

For this post, I wanna say I better don’t bring owls to Athens, as this idiom tries to say literally, about two incidents that happened just a few days ago. Well, I thought I was so all right yesterday, so I even went for a walk with families at Tai Mei Tuk, but I kinda lost control for a bit too later in the day, and resorted to hiding in the boot of my Daddy’s car to feel secure.

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Tai Mei Tuk

用這個帖子,我想說的是像那英文彥語所說,我對於兩件前幾天的事情覺得自己無謂,多此一舉。我昨天以為自己沒什麼,甚至和家人們一起到大美督走走,但我又在晚點是有些失去控制,要躲到爸爸的車尾箱裏,才感到有安全感。

 

Today I am normal again; this clinical depression which turns me on and off randomly really just makes me so fu*ked up. Even though I had already got rid of many of my phobia, the noise of a neighbour chopping pork mince on her board to make pork cakes, and somewhere the repairing work like drilling noise still stay with me. At home, I had to run to Dad for a hug while the noise of pork cake chopping was going on, and got Mum to sit beside me whilst drilling work was taking place. These 2 kinds of noises really annoy and frighten me, making my heart bounce like a basketball.

今天我又正常了;這個隨機開關我的抑鬱症真的把我玩弄得士多啤梨蘋果橙。 雖然我已經擺脫了好多恐懼症, 但那鄰居在砧板上打碎豬肉餅, 和不知由哪傳來的裝修的那電鑽動的聲音,仍然好困擾我。在家,我就立刻跑去找爸爸去擁抱一下我,在有電鑽動的聲音的時候就叫媽媽坐到我旁邊。這兩種聲音令我好煩躁和害怕,我的心臟像是籃球在跳動。

 

Back to business. Firstly, it is putting pressure on the others when you are in fact trying to please them ; in another words, I want to please people around me so much that just like in the song ‘Get it right’ by Glee, ‘what can you do, when your good isn’t good enough.. all of my best intentions keep making a mess of things, I just wanna fix it somehow’.

回到主題。首先,雖是為了討好別人,卻使別人有壓力;換句話說,我想討好身邊的人就像 Glee 的那首歌  ‘Get it right’,用中文去寫,就是要唱「落力為你好,得不到分數」,那方力申和鄧麗欣的「好心好報」。

 

Secondly, I should not have lost my self-control and to have put

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Riga

myself temporarily into the Accidental & Emergency (A&E) department at hospital. Basically, l really had a very tough time over this past week. I wish I can just now travel for a long trip and scream in places like Latvia Riga where people don’t bother Youtube me, unlike Hongkongers. I put up how Riga looks like when I was there in this post.

第二件事,就是我不應該自我失控和短暫的將自己送去醫院的急症室。其實,我這禮拜過得挺苦。我希望就可以去好久的旅行,然後到像拉脫維亞理加的地方尖叫,因為那邊的人不會像香港人般,鬼才會Youtube我。我放了張我在理加的時候的照片。

 

 Over the past week, I have been attending some extra-curricular classes just to chill out. For confidentiality reason, I am going to narrate the following incidents, using fake names and objects. The point I try to make and the storyline 100% true. I will explain why I need to force myself to learn that sometimes, I just should give up on pleasing those I care deeply in the light of my own view, but to put myself into their shoes to please them. Yet, I am not them, how do I put myself into their shoes?

過去一個禮拜,我有去上一些興趣班的去放鬆自己。因為私人理由,我會敘述以下的事,用假的人名和物件。我想說的重點和故事內容是100%真實的。我會解釋為什麼我要迫自己去學習,有時候,我要放棄去用自己的方式去討好我深深關心的人,但將自己看成是他們去討好他們。不竟,我又不是他們,我要如何去將自己代入他們呢?

 

So this is the first true incident. I have a friend, let’s name her Lindy. Lindy asked me to buy her chicken McNuggets from McDonalds. Due to my depression, Lindy is one of those people who have been and is still caring for me the most compared to the others. I also love her dearly and want to return her a big favour, and so I decided that I will always try to please and satisfy her more than what I would usually do; I think that I owe her a lot. So instead of McNuggets, I decided to buy Angus steak from a 5-star restaurant for Lindy.

真人真事。我有位朋友,就叫她Lindy好了。Lindy叫我替她買麥當勞的麥樂雞。因為我的抑鬱症,Lindy是其中一位比其他人,於以前和現在都非常超顧我的人。我也好喜歡她,想要還個大禮,所以我決定我要比以前更常常討好和滿足她; 我覺得自己欠她好多。所以代替麥樂雞,我決定給她買5星級餐廳的安格斯牛排給Lindy。

 

However, I have annoyed Lindy when I showed Angus steak instead of McNuggets before her eyes. I asked why, and she said I was being bossy and said that she specifically demanded McNuggets, so why the heck I decided that I should buy her Angus steak instead. Then I thought, even 9/10 people would agree that Angus steak is more yum, tastier, but I need to respect others’ own personal will. On top of that, buying her Angus steak of a higher value, this is to put her on pressure. I suddenly felt like I was so wrong to have not given her what she truly wanted. In less than one second, my tears were running down my face. Unconsciously, I tried to force the others to love me, by making them to like or to dislike things according to me, like I am the dictator. I told my psychiatrist about this and he said I was simply demonstrating a clear example that what I did on Lindy, was just a typical act out of my perfectionist trait. But isn’t all that I was trying to do, was to do good on Lindy? So I am the wrongdoer again? My head felt heavy. Since the diagnosis of my clinical depression in U.K. then in Hong Kong, maybe I try so hard to put extra pressure and burden on those who cared for me, which in my terms, I feel that I was just to put in extra efforts to please them. This is just because I really want to return them the favour.

可是,我將安格斯牛排而非麥樂雞放到Lindy面前的時候,我讓她感到煩躁。我問為何,而她說我太宰制了和她特地要麥樂雞,我有L事,要去買安格斯牛排去代替呢。然後我想,9/10個人都會讚成安格斯牛排更滋味,更好吃,但我要專重他人的個人意願的。再說,給她買價值更高的安格斯牛排,這是在給她壓力。我突然覺得自己好錯,因我沒有給她她真正想要的。少於一秒,我的淚水就在我臉上滑下來。潛意識裏,我嘗試在迫大家都去疼我,要用的方法是要跟據我喜歡和不喜歡的去做,就像我是獨裁者般。我和我的精神科醫生說了這事,他說,我就是在表現我一個原美人格徵狀所做的一個普遍行為吧。但我一直為Lindy所做的,都是想為她好已而呀!所以我又做錯了嗎?我的頭好重。自從在英國再之後在香港被診斷為抑鬱症患者,可能我過份嘗試去用加倍的努力去討好他們,在他們眼裡,我卻是在給他們加倍的壓力和重擔吧。其實純粹是我想還禮罷。

 

Feeling guilty, longing for appreciation and gratitude, fear for showing my gratitude, hatred against myself, this mix of emotions all attacked me on that same night of the first incident. I did not scream but sat quietly on home’s sofa, and I turned to apologising to my parents for having me without a choice ‘cos I am already born, besides apologising to Lindy. I asked why God created me in the first place. Why wasn’t I in hell yet, and I won’t be good enough for entering heaven anyways. Mummy said I should stop crying, I took some meds for going to bed.

感到內疚,渴望別人會感激和感謝,害怕許表達我的感謝之心,又討厭自己,這混合的情緒在這第一事件的晚上一起攻擊我。我沒有尖叫,但靜靜的坐在家裡的沙發上,跟Lindy道歉,然後我也去跟我爸媽道歉,他們沒選擇的要讓我住在這家裡,因為我已出生了。我問神為甚麼一開始要造我。我為何還不在地獄,以我來說也反正不夠好去天堂。媽媽叫我別哭,我吃了點可安眠的藥物。

 

‘My tears have been my food day and night’, I recalled this verse. I wished I wouldn’t get to see day light anymore when I next open my eyes. My aunt always complains each year in the summer about the heat, the hot weather, so maybe, just maybe, by the time I would be next awaken, no more sunlight but hell. I love sleeping on the sofa than the bed and I am still doing so, so I can feel brighter sunlight shines on me when it is about time that I wake. Sofa means light, and I wanted light, and yet, like how I had wished whilst I was in London last year, hoped that by crying myself to bed, I would have fainted and no more getting awaken naturally again. So I cried myself to bed. It is now time to say don’t bring owls to Athens; I should not have made that effort to please the others so much.

「我晝夜以眼淚當飲食」,我在反思這章節。我希望我下次張開眼不用再見到日光。我姨姨每年夏天都會對熱氣投訴,投訴那炎熱的天氣,所以可能,只是可能,我下次睡醒時,再沒日光但又地獄。我愛睡在沙發而不是床上,到現在也是這樣,所以我可在差不多要醒了,就可感到更光的太陽光曬在我身上。沙發是光,我之前想要光,但是,我也上年在倫敦的時候希望着,希望我哭到自己睡著了,我就會暈了,從此不會再有自然醒的機會。所以我又哭到自己睡著了。又是時候說我多此一舉;我不應去討好別人。

 

I think about how a depression patient’s ultimate action is to kill herself, then those loved ones have to cheat themselves so true-heartedly that suicide is just a tragic event, so the one who died could only be in heaven but not hell. Then I repeated this again and again to feel better for both the deceased person and myself in my heart; I was planning something ahead. After donating each material and body part of mine, I need to have nice make-up on my corpse when I would be at that imaginary funeral, with a stem of pink flower lying right next to my corpse.

我在想,一個抑鬱症病人的終極行動是把自己殺死,然後親友們就要自欺欺人去真心相信,自殺只是一件悲劇,所以死了的人只會去天堂,不是地獄。於是我為了讓我心裡對已逝世的人和我自己感覺好點,我就不斷跟自己重覆這想法; 我心裡在題前計劃著。當我捐了我每樣所擁有的物品和身體部份,我在我想像中的葬禮,我的屍首要化著美美的妝,有一支粉紅色的花躺在我屍首旁。

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The second incident was when I began to find out my temper going grumpy and somehow aggressive, that I always wanted to tell people off and had to resisted myself from slamming stuff into their faces. I tried to keep myself in control, or you can say to distract myself from thinking about my depression. I constructed myself a timetable with classes and meet-ups with friends and close families. I am not ready for proper studies and work still according to my psychiatrist。

第二件事是由我開始發現自己脾氣暴躁和某情度上挑釁般,想時常責罵人,要控制自己別去打人。我試著控制自己,或您可說是我要讓自己分心,不去想我的抑鬱症。我給自己制定了一個時間表,有上興趣班和跟親的好友和家人見面。聽醫生的話, 我還未可以正式去學習或上班。

 

Then it was a weekend, me and Lindy  were having an argument. I felt like I could not talk to Lindy anymore, nor my parents, and I thought, I would call these two lines to see what those peeps there would say to me; so I called ‘Hong Kong Samaritans Befriends’ and ‘Suicide Prevention Services’, two charities which are supposed to answer their phones 24/7, to those who wanna kill themselves. No one picked up the phone for the latter, and eventually a woman who sounds like she is of middle-age talked to me from the former. I asked her just this one question: what would your response be, when someone called this hotline, and asked you why shouldn’t it be OK for her to kill herself? This volunteer just kept trying to dig into my personal details, eventually saying if I still refused to tell her about myself, she would not be able to help me. Already in agony, I said, I might ring back, if later on I still live on this world, and we said bye to each other, and I told her that I would later on complain about her to the organisation. Of course, she didn’t give a damn about me, no one rang back.

然後就是禮拜六,Lindy和我吵架了。我覺得我不能再和她又或者我父母對話,我就想,我要打那兩個機構的電話,看看那些人會跟我說甚麼;所以我打電話去「撒瑪利亞防止自殺會」和「生命熱線」,就是那兩個應要24/7也聽那些想死的人的電話的慈善機構。後者沒有人聽電話,而前者,最後有個聽起來應該是中年的女人和我說話。我只問她這一條問題:當某人打此熱線電話,問你為甚麼她要去自殺不OK,您的答案會是甚麼?這義工就只不停要拿我的個人資料,最後說如我仍然拒絕給她說我的事,她是不會有能力幫我的。已經好痛苦,我說,我可能會打電話回來,前題是我還在這世上,然後我們說再見,我跟她說我會向她機構投訴她。當然,她沒L理過我,沒人回電。

 

Hopeless me dialled 999, telling the lady on the line that I am a depression patient, and I only wanted 1 police to escort me to the mental hospital to see a psychiatrist and that’s all I want, telling her my ID card number and address. I reinforced that I would only harm myself but not others, Lindy who was next to me trying to stop me from talking to the lady on 999 but she failed. Of course that argument between me and Lindy ended right at the moment when I first dialled those charity hotlines.

絶望的我打999,告訴電話裏的女仕我是抑鬱症病人,我唯一想要的是,想要一個警察來給我送去精神科病院給我見精神科醫生,還告訴她我的身分證號香地址。我強調我只會傷害自己而不是別人。Lindy在旁邊試著阻止我和電話中的那999女仕對話但失敗。當然,在我開始打那些機構熱線電話,我和她已停止了吵架。

 

So 5 mins later, a policeman asked me and Lindy to get on an ambulance, where there were also the driver and another 2 rescue workers. I told them, well I have legs, hands, I can walk and move and even jump up and down, I just want a ride to the mental hospital. I was ignored, got forced to check my blood pressure. The ambulance was moving, I asked the rescue worker what is not allowed to be done on an ambulance, he said that would be eating. Then I asked if telephoning was allowed or not, with his consent, I called my friend who is one of my closest Christian friends. Let’s call her Alice. I said to Alice that I was forced onto an ambulance to the designated hospital rather than getting what I wanted, and I told Alice that since she is the closest Christian human being to me, she would have to make sure that she would tell my parents to play this certain Cantonese hymn on my funeral. It is called ‘what kind of logic is this’ if translated into English.

5分鐘後,一位警察喚我和Lindy上救護車。在上面,有位司機,兩位救護人員。我跟他們說,我有手有腳可走動還可跳高跳低,我只是想去精神科病院。他們沒理睬我,只給我量血壓。救護車在駛動中,我問救護人員有什麼是我不可做的,他說不可以吃東西。我問那可不可以打電話,得到他的同意,我打電話給我是基督教徒中最親密的朋友,就當她叫Alice。我告訴她我被迫上了救護車,得不到我想要的,卻要去他們指定的醫院。我跟我這世上基督教徒人類中最要好的朋友說,她要確定我在我葬禮上,叫我父母放一首指定的聖詩歌,叫「這是什麼道理」。

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Arrived at the hospital, for another two times, I repeated my requests, staff there ignored me and just checked my blood pressure for two more times, asked me to pay 100 HKD.  Then I was locked up in a room, where I would love to call it the best art exhibition I ever saw. With people writing, a bit like graffiti all over the room’s walls, with words or drawings about death, I got to know with less than one second what this room was for, and I decided to take picIMG_6572tures of it.

IMG_6566This is more than a haunted room where I was about to go mad at having some kind of claustrophobia. I was properly locked up inside, sitting on a sofa, and even there was a bell for me to press to call for someone, no one came to open the door. I have put up in this post how the room looks like, and what people wrote inside it.

我到了醫院,又重複了我要求兩次,又被無視兩次,又量血壓兩次,付了一百元診金。我就之後被關在一個房間,我想叫它做我當今世上看過最好的藝術展。那裏面的牆壁上寫滿了字或畫圖,像塗鴉一樣,而且都是關於死亡。少於一秒,我知道這房間的用途,我就於是給房間拍下照片。比起鬼屋房更可怕,我在裏頭快要有什麼密室幽閉之類吧。我正式地被關起來了,坐在沙發上,雖然有個鐘給我按去叫人來,沒有人來過。我於此帖子中放了照片,那裏的人寫的東西,和房間的樣子。

 

A while later, a doctor who worked for the A&E asked me the typical ‘what can I do for you Miss’ question, and this time, counting from the ambulance, for the fourth time, I gave the same answer. Luckily then Alice appeared, the hospital staff let me and her to get locked up in the room together. WitIMG_6575h Alice by my side, we started chatting, and she has a very chilled attitude in general. I started writing many hymn lyrics, asking where is my God, then me and Alice starting humming some hymns.

一會兒後,急診室醫生來找我問那「小姐我有什麼可幫你」問題,由救護車開始算起,我第四次給同一個答案。幸運地Alice出現了,醫院的人讓她和我關在一起。有了她在我身旁,我們開始閒聊,她一般態度很hea。我開始寫好多詩歌歌詞,我問我的神在哪裡,我倆也開始吟唱著詩歌。

 

 

As I demanded that without a single room I would not stay at hospital over-night, plus my parents and Lindy nagging on the doctor to release me, I signed a consent slip and went home. It was Saturday night and close to midnight, and the fact that no psychiatrist could appear in front of me, let me say again, don’t bring owls to Athens please, as in to get some of those ambulance men to get me all the way to the hospital, although they were just doing their duty work.

因為我說,沒獨立病房我就不會在醫院留醫過夜,加上父母和 Lindy 都勸醫生放我,我簽了同意書離院。那是星期六晚上,快零晨,沒有精神科醫生出現過在我面前,我又可以說,多此一舉有救護車人員們送我去醫院。當然,這是他們做份內工作。

 

The next day I woke up, I only felt like doing this one thing, to go to karaoke, then I called up a friend who lived in my neighbouring town to go, and I seemed to be back to normal again. I attended my extra-curricular class as usual even. Around 9pm, I was making a visit to aunt’s place in the evening who lives just the block next to me. Yet feeling drowsy, while I wanted to hug and play with her granddaughter Yannis (the one I used to babysit, please check my old posts), as I was so lacking strength, I dropped her and she started crying, and I started crying too. I began to apologise to everyone for the fact that I existed, and I even harmed a 3 year-old kid.

之後那天起床後,只是想做一件事,就是唱k。我於是打電話給住附近的朋友去,我好像一切又回歸正常了。我還上了本身要去的興趣班。晚上九點,我到住我旁大廈的姨姨家作客。當我和她孫女Yannis抱抱和玩耍時(看我舊帖子我以前給她托兒),因為感到暈暈昏昏的,我沒力氣,把她跌倒,她哭了,我哭了。我開始給單位中的每一個人道歉,因為我生存,我傷害了3歲的孩子。

 

Yannis stopped crying very soon, and even handed me a tissue for me to wipe my tears. Yet, I could not control myself, kept apologising to everyone in the flat and asked where is God. My cousin who was so sentimental ended up crying with me, and the rest was like a radio announcement, kept saying to me that everything is Ok. Yet, I don’t feel Ok. Maybe close to midnight, I had no more tears, and asking repetitively did I affect the intelligence development of the baby by having dropped her with head touching the floor first, then with people around me answering me no for maybe 1 million times, I eventually could calm down. That night, I thought of those physically ill peeps lying in hospital, yearning for a healthy life, or for some organs; basically a proper right to live healthily. I thought, all right, not only those who wanted materials that I had which they did not have could take those materials away from me, they may also take each part of my body, and my right to life, if there is a way to transfer all these things, and then wait for God’s punishment. So in tears, I filled up and submitted the orgIMG_6691ans donation form on the government website. A lady rang me and said thanks for my kindness, whilst I was planning my suicide in my heart but I said thanks to her out of manner.

Yannis好快就不哭了,還遞給我紙巾擦眼淚。可是我就是控制不了我自己,不停給單位內的人一一道歉,我問神在哪。我多愁善感的表姐也和我一起哭起來。其他人像廣播般地重複一切安好,所以不要擔心。我卻不能接受。到差不多零晨,我開始沒眼淚掉,問會不會Yannis因為跌倒時頭先碰地,影響她智力發展。大家也重申著不會,申著大概一萬次吧,我才冷靜下來。那晚上,我想那些身體上有疾病於醫院的人,渴望健康的人生或器官,總之就是健康生活的權利好了。我想,那好吧,別人可以要我物質上現有的東西,我身體每部分,和我生存的權利,只是要有個方法去傳給他們就可,然後我等待上帝的處罰。流著涙,我填好並提交了器官捐贈表去政府網站上。一位女仕打電話來跟我說謝謝我的愛心,我禮貌上口中說出謝謝,心裏在計劃自殺。

 

Although today I understand that by hiding in dark, confined place to feel secure was due to the biology that this resembles getting the protection in a mother’s womb (if this is proven wrong, tell me and I will correct my psychiatrist LOL), I don’t know why, I feel that I owe my parents and Lindy the most, who are like the primary carers for my depression, and am always drowned by guilt; I only know kneeling in front of them and bowed my head, in a repetitive motion. Only by doing so, this eases my guilt. I had requested thIMG_6134em to beat me up so that I could be properly punished for all my irrational words, behaviour and anything else relating to my personality and depression but they still refused to do so till today.

雖然我今天知道我要去黑暗窄小空間裏去得到安全感是因為生物學上這是尋求自我保護,因為像在媽媽的子宮裏(如您發現這理論被証明不通,讓我知然後改正我的精神科醫生LOL),我不知道為什麼我覺得自己欠爸媽和Lindy最多,因為他們最照顧我的病,令我給內疚感淹沒。我只知我要不停跪他們,扣頭。這樣的話才可減少我的內疚感。我有請求他們打我,給我正式處罰那些不合邏輯的話,行為,和所有關於我抑鬱症和性格的,但到今天他們都拒絕這樣做。

 

I remember in the past, especially while I live in France, each time I drank some alcohol to calm myself down, or to be able to sit down properly to do my work, or to fall asleep. Now as a patient on medication, I am upset by the fact that now I need to stay away from alcohol to get sedated, so I feel like at the least put up an old picture of me and friends drinking in the end of this post. I cannot explain how frustrated it is that I am still sick today while I have done all these things ordered by my psychiatrist:

  • see him once per week to chat through things
  • on medication so avoid alcohol and taking all medicines prescribed on time
  • exercising 4 times a week
  • go out to get fresh air – I always hike with my Daddy
  • do something to make myself happy – I regularly hang out with Alice and Lindy, I watch TV drama that I like, I do religious reading as a believer to try to make myself feel peaceful and I pray.

我記得以前,尤其在法國住的時候,每次我都喝一點點酒去讓自己冷靜,或者是讓自己可以能坐下去正正經經做我的功課,或者是可以睡得著覺。現在作為一個服藥中的病人,我不高興我要完全不能做喝酒這件事去麻醉自己,所以我覺得要在這帖子完結的時候放一張我和朋友們以前喝酒的舊相片。我不能解釋自己我知道自己還是生病中的那份氣餒感,我明明都做了我醫生叫我做的:

  • 每週見他一次去說說自己的事
  • 去服藥所以避開了酒精,按時吃他開的藥
  • 每週運動4次
  • 去吸收新鮮空氣—我常跟爸爸去行山
  • 做令自己快樂的事—我定期會約 Alice 和 Lindy 出外逛逛,我看我喜歡的電視劇,因有信仰我看宗教書籍去讓自己感到安寧和祈禱

 

I guess at at least exercising dose play some role to help clinical depression, and now the psychiatrist said my clinical depression has developed to a stage named ‘manic-depressive disorder’; no idea what the heck is this but I still call it depression anyways. Anyways,  there is this one day where after dancing loads at video arcades and then having a proper dance class, I felt at ease and in good mood for the entire day.

我猜起碼運動對抑鬱症有些幫助,現在醫生說我的抑鬱症變成了叫做「躁狂抑郁症」;完全不L知是甚麼,我還是叫它做抑鬱症算了。無論如何,有一天我在機鋪跳了好多舞在之後上了一堂正規的舞蹈課,我覺得心舒暢了,整天都心情好。

 

Let me say thank you to my parents and Lindy and Alice (fake names) here to mark the ending of this post. Thank you, I mean it. I will work hard on stop being suicidal.

去結束這帖子,讓我對父母,Lindy 和 Alice(假名)在這說,謝謝,我是真心的想說謝謝。我會用心去不叫自己自殺的。

❤ Lala

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