WARNING: this will be a super long post, please forgive me! 🙇🙇🏻
There is this key to heal depression, which is, just to be lazy, and this is how the title of this post comes from. There are a few Chinese sayings I saw online (see the words in purple for your interest if you can read Chinese), and these are likened to us saying in English that we need to be lazy, not forever, but from time to time so that ‘After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile’.
As I haven’t been writing for a while, and in case you suddenly think of those over 20 students who committed suicide this year, let me reiterate this: work or academic stress is not the cause of depression, but the possible trigger. As confirmed with my conversation with my psychiatrist, they were likely to be depression or psychotic kind of mental patients. I am glad that I am still here writing, but not in hell. (People always tell me suicidal peeps can’t go to heaven. What do you think? )
OK, so let me begin by talking about how I chilled out. Over these last 2 weeks, I did exercise! I go to yoga class with Mammy and to Tai-chi class with Daddy, once a week. I even swam once and played bowling once. Then there was my Daddy’s birthday too, so I hand-made a cake-like music box! (If you wanna have a look at the photo, see my Instagram jen_omorphia which is actually connected to this site!) I cycled once and got my leg injured as the bike collapsed on me, due to getting a blackout, thinking it was the side effect of my meds; luckily it was due to physical tiredness only.
好了，首先請允許我談我怎麼偷懶去了。在這過去的2週，我做運動！我與媽咪上瑜伽課，與爹哋上太極拳班，各每週一次。我甚至有去了一次遊泳，去了一次打保齡球。然後我爸爸生日，所以我手工製作蛋糕樣子般的音樂盒給他！ （如果你想看看照片，請去已連接到這個網站的我的 Instagram jen_omorphia！）我有天去踏單車，以為是我吃藥的副作用所引至眼前一黑才讓單車把自己壓倒，腿受傷了；幸運的是，這是由於身體上過份勞累罷了。
I made myself a DIY timetable, to motivate myself to exercise, to pick up on piano again (no jokes, I used to play up to ATCL diploma level LOL), to pick up on my French again (after all for undergraduate I studied Law with French LOL), to read novels and magazines, and everything else. In fact, I am a guest author at some other media sites. Since I show my face in those places, so why not here? Attached is me doing yoga at home.
我自己做了一個DIY的時間表，自己激勵自己鍛煉身體，要再彈鋼琴 (不是開玩笑，我以前彈鋼琴拿了ATCL文憑 LOL)，再次溫習我的法語 (畢竟我學士是念「法律加法語」的 LOL)，閱讀小說，雜誌，以及做其他一切事情。事實上，我在其他一些媒體網站做客籍作者。自從我放了我的臉在那些地方，為什麼這裡不能呢？附上我在家裡做瑜伽的照片。
I managed to meet some friends and I could really feel the difference in my attitude. Before, when a friend who came to my home with a star-shape glass of origami stars as a gift for me (please see Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia Facebook page: the origami star 小星星摺紙). Yes, I was thankful, but still, it meant nothing in terms of cheering myself up. It was back in February. Now things seemed to be different. For e.g., one friend in fact annoyed me to a point that if I were more mentally sick, I would take up my tea cup and threw the tea at her and swore. Sometimes, you just don’t know why some people need to speak to you as if they were the judge, you were the plaintiff in a hearing, saying that oh darling you aren’t having financial burdens or what, oh bla bla bla so you should not be depressed; anyways, I suppose she did not mean to harm me emotionally. Maybe not ‘watering’ her seems to be a sign of improvement of my depression.
我與一些朋友碰面，我真的覺得我的態度變了。之前，當有位朋友來到我家，帶了星型玻璃瓶摺紙星星作為我的禮物（請參閱 Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia Facebook頁面：the origami star 小星星摺紙) 。是的，我很感激，不過，它用於令自己開心沒什麼作用。這是2月份的事。現在，事情似乎有所不同。例如，一個朋友有次事實上讓我生氣到一個點，如果我是在比較情況壞的精神上，我會拿起我的茶杯，給她澆水去和講髒話。有時候，你就是不知道為什麼有些人和你說話，口吻好像他們是法官，你是在一個聽證會裏做原告，又說親愛的，你又不是有財政負擔還是什麼的，哦，唧唧歪歪為什麼你是不應該抑鬱的; 反正，我想，她不是故意要在感情上傷害我的。也許沒給她「澆水」，是我抑鬱症改善的跡象。
One day last week, one of my besties and I were playing in a video arcade for the entire day. I was just on cloud nine/ over the moon. I haven’t been to a video arcade for 5 years already! I remembered me and her played with this musical machine where you had to swipe your hand up and down to match the beats, a musical one that you had to touch the buttons as the colours changed. My all time favourite was this one, where you can have a maximum of 3 players, each has 3 buttons you can hit on, of green, red, blue colour. Depending on the specific game you have selected, you used your hand to tap on the buttons accordingly. As usual, those gun ones where you just try to shoot whatever are always there. There is also this Disney tsum tsum like the one your phone (see the picture!). As I love dancing, I really enjoyed another one of those gaming machines, where it could sense my body moves, and I was to dance as the way those figures danced on the screen – basically a dancing machine.
上週有一天，我的一個死黨和我在機鋪打了一整天機。我欣喜若狂／在九層雲霄之上。我沒有去過電子遊戲鋪5年了！我記得我和她玩這個音樂機，是你必須上下刷你的手，去匹配節拍，又令一個音樂的，就是你不得不在顏色改變的時候去按下按鈕。我永遠最愛是一個有3個按鈕的遊戲機，在那裡你可以有最多3名玩家，每個人都有綠色，紅色或藍色的按鈕去按。根據您所選擇的遊戲局，你用你的手按下應按的按鈕。像往常一樣，這些射槍的遊戲，是永遠存在於電子遊戲鋪的。那裡也有這個像電話裡的那 Disney TSUM TSUM（見圖！）。因我喜歡跳舞，我真的很享受這期中一台遊機器，因它可以感應到我的身體動作，我需跟在屏幕上在跳舞的人物去跳舞 – 基本上就是一個跳舞機。
Before I show my dark side as I write on, peeps, did you see that I changed the layout of the Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia web-site, making things clearer and prettier (fingers cross), as well as new cover picture for the site and on the Facebook page? Yes! I wanna talk about the cover first. So the left is an internet picture which I love, second left picture is drawn by our illustrator Koala Bear again, then to the right is the coloured version of Our Ὀμορφιά Omorhpia TEAM, the 7 of us in cartoon icons. Then there’s me back in last summer in this hilarious place called ‘Užupis’! (Calm, this is not a travelling post, so please read on.)
在我開始又訴說去表露我的陰暗面前，大家有看到我換了 ὈμορφιάOmorhpia 網站的佈置，使事情更清晰，更漂亮（希望是吧。。。），以及其給這網站和Facebook Page新的封面圖片嗎？ 是!我想先說說封面圖片。左邊是我好喜歡一張來自互聯網的圖片，第二左圖是又由我們的插畫家Koala Bear畫的，然後在右邊是我們7個 ὈμορφιάOmorhpia團隊的彩色版本的卡通圖標。而最後是我在去年夏天，在這個所謂叫’對岸共和國’的地方！(冷靜，這不是一個旅遊的帖子，所以請繼續閱讀。)
Yes, now you say, what the heck is this. Let me give you the wikipedia answer: a neighbouring ‘country’ in Vilnius (Lithuania’s capital), largely located in Vilnius. The word ‘Užupis’ means ‘the other side of the river’ in Lithuanian. Basically, people of this place declared this territory as a republic, as a country, and writing a constitution for it. When you get there, basically, it is just a small town, but it is an UNESCO heritage site, with its so-called constitution translated into different languages and get them stuck on the walls. That’s it, no customs or whatsoever. I copied the English translation of its constitution at the end of the post, in case you are interested, but just for a laugh. I want to get you to read this one rule written by them: ’35. No one has the right to make another person guilty.’
I love my mum, and Mother’s Day is coming. I have already moved on from the hatred against my mum, for forcing me to leave home to study abroad by myself at a young age, and made me go through unpleasant experiences. I know that after all, all of these consequences in fact came from her best intentions, and she loves me, loves me so dearly. Yet, I want to get better understanding about the relationship between my own mum and me, in terms of my guilt towards her.
Just 2 days ago, I went to my weekly ritual psychiatrist appointment. I told him that I am just the weirdest child ever because I bear so much guilt that made me really have my head explode. All parents nagged on their kids, and I am fine with my mum nags on me about anything, except ordering me to go to bed.
I feel guilty; it is only Mammy wanting me to have a healthier lifestyle but I feel that I am the caged bird losing its freedom. I proclaimed inside me that I wanted to be free, but guilt came to say that I should behave and sleep, do as I was told. You now get the picture of the conflict of mine or not?
Then I got so guilty, and besides apologising crazily to my mum in the middle of the night , I cried, feeling that my guilt overwhelmed me, and the fact that I screamed made my mum close all the windows at home. Why? She was afraid that someone would think they had to help out to dial 999 for us, then someone would take me away from home, at the worst case sending me to a mental hospital. At the same time, I cannot tell you, how much I hate to lose my freedom, how much I hate that people intervene with my resting time. Of course, it is good to sleep early, get up early etc. Yet doing so, I began the caged bird, like back in boarding house or host family or other strangers’ home when I was a teenager, my sleeping time had to match the others in order to live as part of the community, and back then, I was one of those caged birds.
Answering ’35. No one has the right to make another person guilty’ :all that my mum was doing is out of love, no one is making me to feel guilty, as long as I can move on from the past, because I did nothing wrong at all to deserve feeling guilty. I don’t know why guilt can harm a depression patient like me so much.
回答 ’35。任何人都沒有使人內疚的權利。’ 我的媽媽所有做的是出於愛，只要我可以放下過去就沒有人可讓我感到內疚，因為我沒有做錯任何事情值得感到內疚。我不知道為什麼愧疚感可以損害一個像我的抑鬱症患者這麼多。
To conclude for myself my emotions over the last weeks in April till today ／總結我的情緒在過去四月尾這幾週直到今天：
P.S. You might for fun wanna read the constitution of Užupis.