Recently, I have been questioning myself a lot. I might be thinking too hard by myself, so please drop me thoughts and comments in the end if you want to.
I thought I was getting out of my transition period in the period between 7th to 10th this month (please refer to Link: Depressed transition 抑鬱過渡期). This is because the week before these days, I had some suicidal thoughts and random moments of crying, and yet between those 4 days, I did not have any emotional breakdown. So it was on the 11th when things did not turn out as expected. I was happily on my way home from the cinema, but then I came to think about a weird and rather stupid belief I have been upholding, and of which was fully demonstrated during the worst time of my depression.
我在今個月的7日至10日之間還以為我走出我的過渡期了，（請參考Link: Depressed transition 抑鬱過渡期)。那是因為在這幾天前的一個禮拜裏，我有著自殺的想法和又在一些時候隨機般的哭起來，可是那四天裏我並沒有任何情緒失控的時候。就在11號，事情又與所想的脱軌了。我本來看完電影，正快樂地在回家的路上，但我突然發現我一直以來堅守著一個奇怪和愚蠢的信念，而我的抑鬱症最壞的時期就充分的表現了這信念。
This came back to the time when I was doing my master course in the U.K., when I could not get any good quality of sleep at all for months. So one asks why sleeping was so difficult for me. Well, the reason was pretty absurd, ‘though back then I thought it was rational. I was guilty about sleeping, and of course I could not accept myself having afternoon naps. This is because I associated sleeping as a lazy behaviour, and I instructed myself that I should be revising or writing job applications instead.
Rather than simply laughing it off that I was being too harsh on myself, during that walk home on the 11th, I discovered how this guilt of sleeping came about. In fact, I had always been a workaholic in terms of my academics, and this was due to a very absurd belief. Besides the self-satisfaction I got from achieving good marks during exams, and the belief that being a degree holder can provide me the opportunity to have a potential professional career, the main force that kept me studying crazily was that I saw studying as a means of self-protection. (The fact that I am now typing about this made me laugh.)
When I first started leaving home and studied abroad, I had in some past personal experiences got mocked by certain people about my English language ability and my academics ability. ( Today, I don’t know whether these people said certain things intentionally to hurt me or not, but of course, it dose not matter anymore. ) I could not help but to have embedded these unkind comments in my heart. I guess this is because these comments were said to me when I was feeling insecure being abroad alone, with no families around, and at a young age. So for about past 10 years, I believed that the more I study, the more secure I will be, meaning that others cannot harm me, either mentally or physically – ‘what an absurd belief!’, I proclaimed this in my mind so so loudly. How come I don’t know that this is such an absurd belief for the past 10 years till the 11th April 2016? How come I worked so hard as a student over the past 10 years for such an absurd belief?
That walk on the 11th became full of tears, full of suicidal thoughts, full of shame. How the hell did I manage to have such absurd belief for so many years? If I had known that I was believing in something so absurd, I would not have studied so hard, and let academic stress overwhelmed me that I could not even continue my master studies. The truth is, it was due to my young age that I could not protect myself properly; more accurately speaking, I could not choose to not live from people that I did not like and be independent at my young age, so I felt so ‘unprotected’, with language barrier as an additional condition that troubled me so badly that time.
So whether I decided to quit school at the age of 16, or to get a PhD, it would not make a difference to this ‘unprotected’ mindset rooted in me. I lost self-control again. Once I arrived home, I was so ashamed of myself to have held tight to this absurd thought. I remember I did a series of irrational things, from locking myself in my bedroom and then putting myself in a dark confined space under the desk or inside the wardrobe, to getting a relief through hitting my head with an electrical fan, plotting in my own mind that I would let myself starve to death inside the wardrobe. Strangely enough, possibly due to a pill that my mum had forced me to take in the end, I was back to normal again when it was close to midnight.
I am still worried that maybe tomorrow, a week later, a month later, or a year later, I will find out that I still have other absurd and shameful believes rooted in my head. But before more absurd believes come to be revealed, I want to know the answers to these 2 questions first:
1. During an emotional breakdown, I was so afraid of light and felt safe to hide in dark, confined space, and I resorted to hitting myself in order to reduce the great level of shame that I felt about myself. My psychiatrist said if I were alone at home that time, I would not have done these things. But when I asked was it because subconsciously I was being attention-seeking, he turned down this idea. So why did I do these things then?
2. I can’t distinguish between my own assumption and the reality. E.g. I have for some time kept telling my psychiatrist that I could sense so strongly about this one ‘unfortunate thing’ that would happen, I got extremely upset because I really didn’t want to anticipate this thing. In the end, my psychiatrist said it was actually my own assumption that this ‘unfortunate thing’ would eventually take place; I was simply being excessively anxious. So when I have the intention to prevent something bad from happening in the future, how do I know if it is only me having an anxiety crisis, or that it is something that I really ought to do something in action about it?
I reckon I will be better off by posing these 2 questions to my psychiatrist in my next appointment. At the very least, I have my psychiatrist’s words that I will be ok to go out just by myself. (I had in the past went crazy in public, please refer to Link: Get it right 不要再出錯了) Next time, I will start writing something more positive. Good night.
我想我還是在下次覆診時去問我精神科醫生這兩個問題吧。起碼，他給我發了話，說我可以自己一個人外出了。（我以前曾經在公眾場合發瘋，請參考Link: Get it right 不要再出錯了）下次我會開始寫點更正面的東西。晚安。