Trust or Distrust 相信和不相信


A biblical verse written by a friend        一個朋友寫的聖經經文


As these days I have been thinking about how people find their religions, I personally think that it is fair to say that having a religious faith helps resolving distress. For example, I remember a friend once told me that she finds herself praying to Guan yin who she believes in does help her to get rid of her sad mood. It is so important to respect different religions.



I feel that I wanna quickly write up about how I see the link between my depression and my religious faith. Before I begin, I want to know what will atheist and other religious believers feel about depression patients, thoughts and criticisms welcome.



I mentioned in my some of my posts on the blog that I am a Christian, but I find myself maybe ‘not hardcore enough’ as how other people will think a Christian should speak and act, and I said that the identity associated with Christianity gives me great pressure. As a friend once said to me, to claim to be a religious believer, we can be trapped by lots of moral rules.



Before my suicidal time, I prayed that I would soon be free from having my daily emotional breakdown and tears. I then gave up on myself and sought suicide, and as I failed my suicide attempts, I prayed from time to time, holding up my right arm with palm reaching in the air, I prayed, please take my hand to take me to heaven now. No angels came to pick me up. So I prayed instead that take my hand to send me to hell. I felt extracted and drained by everything on this world, so why not hell?



For a long long time, I see my depression and the strong desire for death as the punishment from God. I must have sinned( did too much wrong stuff), so so much that I deserved this, to be left on the world with a crazy mind. Or shall I say God hand me over to the devil?  (Will Buddhists think that I am getting this consequence of having depression, caused by sinning too much?) I thought that even all human beings abandon me, God won’t do this to me, but He must also abandon me so I could not stop being suicidal. Then  I think about all the accumulated dissatisfaction I got from different churches that I attended too. I never feel belonged to a particular one, although I already find the 2 churches that I went to when I lived in France comparatively good for finding out about this religion. I still can’t help but question a lot.

很長很長的一段時間,我覺得我的抑鬱症和死亡的強烈願望是上帝的懲罰。我一定是犯了罪(做了太多錯誤的東西),那麼多那麼多,我配得這懲罰,被留在了世界去天天瘋狂。或應我可以說上帝把我交給了魔鬼? (佛教徒會認為我有抑鬱症,是因為犯罪太多的後果嗎?)我以為,即使所有的人拋棄了我,上帝不會這樣對我的,但他也拋棄我了,所以我就喜歡上自殺吧。然後,我想起我從我參加過不同的教會所累積的不滿。雖然我已經覺得我在法國居住時去的2個教堂比較好了,讓我可以了解這個宗教,我從來不覺得自己屬於一個特定的教會。目前我還是忍不住問很多不信的問題。


The people who helped me out actively during my worst time are basically all non-Christians. I found myself happy by staying with people who are there to lend me a hand in times of trouble, again, non-christians mostly. I am reluctant, resistant to go to churches anymore, tired to have to socialise with Christians. I find many (I am not saying all) Christians unconsciously stand on moral high grounds to wear that halo. Yet I know, those non-christians who were there to help me were sent by God. I once was crying madly, and someone of another religion handed me my own Christian reading book saying that hope it would comfort me. My atheist friend said she felt that I can do some activities at church when I am back home to keep me happy. My friend believing in Guan Yin was the one who reminded me to pray to the Christian God, knowing that I believe in Him. My prone-to-Buddhist mum said I am to believe in the Lord God Himself, not the church. My not-so-Christian dad said that he hopes my religious faith will boost me up.



Today, however resistant I am about going to church, I know that if I don’t believe in the Christian God, I would not be mentally strong enough to have awaited my mum’s arrival to the U.K. to pick me up to go back home to Hong Kong in January time; if I did not make it to wait till I got to see my mum in person, I won’t even by typing this today.

然而今天,我仍然不想去教堂,但是我知道,如果,我沒有相信基督教的上帝,我一月的時候也不會在精神上足夠強大到成功等待我媽抵達英國來接我回香港的家; 如果我沒能等到我看到我媽媽出現在我眼前,我今天甚至不會有命在打字。


Religious faith is just that subtle.


❤ Lala