Master-key

Trust or Distrust 相信和不相信

IMG_5712

A biblical verse written by a friend        一個朋友寫的聖經經文

 

As these days I have been thinking about how people find their religions, I personally think that it is fair to say that having a religious faith helps resolving distress. For example, I remember a friend once told me that she finds herself praying to Guan yin who she believes in does help her to get rid of her sad mood. It is so important to respect different religions.

由於這幾天我一直在思考人們是如何思想自己的宗教,我個人認為這是合理去說,有宗教信仰有助於緩解困擾。譬如我記得有一個朋友曾經告訴我,她發現自己祈求觀音,她相信觀音幫她擺脫她傷心的心情。尊重不同的宗教是如此的重要。

 

I feel that I wanna quickly write up about how I see the link between my depression and my religious faith. Before I begin, I want to know what will atheist and other religious believers feel about depression patients, thoughts and criticisms welcome.

我覺得我想趕緊寫出來,寫我是怎麼看我的抑鬱症和我的宗教信仰之間的聯繫。在我開始之前,我想知道無神論者,其他宗教信徒對抑鬱症患者的想法,歡迎您的意見和批評。

 

I mentioned in my some of my posts on the blog that I am a Christian, but I find myself maybe ‘not hardcore enough’ as how other people will think a Christian should speak and act, and I said that the identity associated with Christianity gives me great pressure. As a friend once said to me, to claim to be a religious believer, we can be trapped by lots of moral rules.

我在我的一些的博客文章中提到過我是一個基督徒,但我發現自己也許「不夠虔誠」,不是其他人會怎麼想一個基督徒應該說話,做事的樣子,和我說過有關基督教的身份給我很大的壓力。一個朋友曾經對我說,要自稱是宗教信徒,我們可以被大量的道德規則困住。

 

Before my suicidal time, I prayed that I would soon be free from having my daily emotional breakdown and tears. I then gave up on myself and sought suicide, and as I failed my suicide attempts, I prayed from time to time, holding up my right arm with palm reaching in the air, I prayed, please take my hand to take me to heaven now. No angels came to pick me up. So I prayed instead that take my hand to send me to hell. I felt extracted and drained by everything on this world, so why not hell?

我未想自殺的時間之前,我祈禱,希望很快可以從我日常的情緒失控和淚水行出來。後來我放棄了自己,並試圖自殺,我沒自殺失敗,我就不時祈禱,伸起我的右臂,手掌在空中,我祈禱,請現在就抓住我的手帶我去天堂吧。但是沒有天使來接我。所以我就祈求送我去地獄吧。我感到被這個世界的一切耗盡,那麼為什麼不下地獄呢?

 

For a long long time, I see my depression and the strong desire for death as the punishment from God. I must have sinned( did too much wrong stuff), so so much that I deserved this, to be left on the world with a crazy mind. Or shall I say God hand me over to the devil?  (Will Buddhists think that I am getting this consequence of having depression, caused by sinning too much?) I thought that even all human beings abandon me, God won’t do this to me, but He must also abandon me so I could not stop being suicidal. Then  I think about all the accumulated dissatisfaction I got from different churches that I attended too. I never feel belonged to a particular one, although I already find the 2 churches that I went to when I lived in France comparatively good for finding out about this religion. I still can’t help but question a lot.

很長很長的一段時間,我覺得我的抑鬱症和死亡的強烈願望是上帝的懲罰。我一定是犯了罪(做了太多錯誤的東西),那麼多那麼多,我配得這懲罰,被留在了世界去天天瘋狂。或應我可以說上帝把我交給了魔鬼? (佛教徒會認為我有抑鬱症,是因為犯罪太多的後果嗎?)我以為,即使所有的人拋棄了我,上帝不會這樣對我的,但他也拋棄我了,所以我就喜歡上自殺吧。然後,我想起我從我參加過不同的教會所累積的不滿。雖然我已經覺得我在法國居住時去的2個教堂比較好了,讓我可以了解這個宗教,我從來不覺得自己屬於一個特定的教會。目前我還是忍不住問很多不信的問題。

 

The people who helped me out actively during my worst time are basically all non-Christians. I found myself happy by staying with people who are there to lend me a hand in times of trouble, again, non-christians mostly. I am reluctant, resistant to go to churches anymore, tired to have to socialise with Christians. I find many (I am not saying all) Christians unconsciously stand on moral high grounds to wear that halo. Yet I know, those non-christians who were there to help me were sent by God. I once was crying madly, and someone of another religion handed me my own Christian reading book saying that hope it would comfort me. My atheist friend said she felt that I can do some activities at church when I am back home to keep me happy. My friend believing in Guan Yin was the one who reminded me to pray to the Christian God, knowing that I believe in Him. My prone-to-Buddhist mum said I am to believe in the Lord God Himself, not the church. My not-so-Christian dad said that he hopes my religious faith will boost me up.

在我最糟糕的時候最積極幫我的人,基本上都是非基督徒。我發現在我患難的時候給予我幫助的人使我快樂,再次,這些人大多是非基督徒。我不願意,不情願去教堂了,和基督徒交往好累。我發現很多(我不是說全部)基督徒不自覺地站在道德高地,戴上光環。然而我知道,實際上幫助我的非基督徒是上帝派來的。有一次,我瘋狂地哭了,有一位另一宗教的人遞給我我自己的基督教書籍說,希望書籍可以安慰我。我的無神論者朋友說,她覺得當我回到香港可以在教堂參與一些活動,讓我開心點。我有一位朋友信仰是觀音,但是知道我相信祂,提醒了我對基督教的上帝祈禱的重要。我比較偏向佛教的媽媽說,我要相信神,而不是教會。我不太像基督教徒的爸爸說,他希望我的宗教信仰會使我心境變好。

 

Today, however resistant I am about going to church, I know that if I don’t believe in the Christian God, I would not be mentally strong enough to have awaited my mum’s arrival to the U.K. to pick me up to go back home to Hong Kong in January time; if I did not make it to wait till I got to see my mum in person, I won’t even by typing this today.

然而今天,我仍然不想去教堂,但是我知道,如果,我沒有相信基督教的上帝,我一月的時候也不會在精神上足夠強大到成功等待我媽抵達英國來接我回香港的家; 如果我沒能等到我看到我媽媽出現在我眼前,我今天甚至不會有命在打字。

 

Religious faith is just that subtle.

信仰就是這樣微妙。

❤ Lala

 

Advertisements