Mastermind

Depressed transition 抑鬱過渡期

By talking about transition, I mean, it takes a great deal of time to get well. I do get pretty impatient and pissed off about myself actually. As the psychiatrist says that he estimates for my whole treatment to be completed, it will take 1 year. 1 year, that’s a long time, right?

談論過渡期,我的意思是,抑鬱症需要大量的時間來康復。我實際上感到非常不耐煩,好氣我自己。由於精神科醫生說,他估計要完成我的整個治療,將需要1年。 1年,這是一個很長的時間,對不對?

 

I started to be on medication since the 22nd January 2016, precisely, when I was still living in the U.K. as a student, and not yet back home in Hong Kong. I know that almost in every post, I try to emphasise on the importance on getting medical treatment, but in fact, I am in it and I know how much courage it takes to make this decision, and then how much it hurts afterwards as the medication and talking therapy do not do magic, even it helps eventually.

我準確記得是由2016年1月22日起開始吃藥,當時我還作為一個學生住在英國,未回香港的家。我知道,幾乎在每一個帖子,我嘗試在強調就醫的重要性,但事實上,我仍然在這個病裏面,我真知道需要多麼大的勇氣才可以做出就醫這個決定,因為藥物和交談的治療不是魔法,開始療程之後依然會好辛苦,雖然療程最終是有用的。

 

Depression includes the symptoms of ‘blaming myself for everything’, ‘criticising myself for everything’, ‘lack of trust in medical treatment and in my ownself’, really almost made me stop wanting to continue with any treatment. Due to my personal experience, I have this habit, which is the problem of truly expressing myself when I come to encounter bad situations. For example, when some people’s hearts are like stone and do not treat me well, I will first tell myself, there must be something that I have done wrong or not doing good enough, so that they treat me that way; I don’t know how to rebel, and sometimes I am bounded by some realistic conditions that I cannot simply just stay away from these people, or change the environment. I am used to shut myself up, criticise myself deep down, apologise, even though I was not the wrongdoer. You might say, well, I should have not chosen to be a coward. But for many times, the reality dose not let me escape, as escaping may bring about even more serious consequences that may be immediately dangerous to me. I ask why unfortunate things happen to me, but people still assume that I have a better off life than they do? I have to admit that I am quite an unforgiving person, but I will see if I can let things go, for my own good.

抑鬱症症狀包括「一切都責怪自己」,「一切都批評自己」,「缺乏在醫療上和對我自己的的信任」,這些真的差點讓我停止繼續接受任何治療的意願。因為我個人的經驗,我有這樣的習慣,是當我遇到壞的情況,我不會真正表達我自己。例如,當一些人的心都像石頭,是對我不好的人,我會第一時間告訴自己,一定是我做錯了什麼,或做得不夠好,所以他們這樣對待我; 我不知道怎麼反抗,而因為一些現實條件的限制,我不能遠離這些人,或改變環境。我習慣叫自己「收皮」吧,內心深處罵我自己,我對人道歉,儘管我沒有做錯事。你可能會說,好吧,我是自己選擇成為一個懦夫。但很多時候,現實不讓我逃跑,因為要求轉變可能會帶來更嚴重的後果,可能會即是對我構成威脅。我問,為什麼不幸的事情發生在我身上,但人們還是認為我有比他們更好的生活呢?我不得不承認,我是一個很小器的人,但我會看看我能不能讓事情過去,因為要為我自己好。

 

My advice is to stay patient and restore trust in people who are trustworthy enough. Like this, even if the above mentioned symptoms kick in, tell you that you are the worst out of the worst, and you feel that the whole wide world finds you super disgraceful to mankind, and you want to kill yourself! What to do then?

我的建議是保持耐心和知道誰是值得信賴的,就由他們恢復對人的信任。這樣,即使上述症狀又來找你麻煩,告訴你說你糟糕到無可救藥,你覺得整個世界都覺得你就是在丟人類的臉,你要殺死自己!怎麼辦呢?

 

So You brainwash yourself that you will get better. Yes, I mean literally brainwash yourself, so that patience with yourself sticks inside your head. This is how I manage to save myself from that hypnotising suicidal thought.

所以,你自己洗腦自己,你會好起來的。是的,我的意思就是字面上的洗腦,自己的腦海裡洗腦自己,堅持說我是可以耐心面對的。這就是我如何由該催眠的自殺想法,救了我自己。

 

Even today, the recent days, my mood is like how you go on a roller coaster ride. Imagine it for yourself. I am still always full of tears at random moments, instead of full of money. (Because I always make myself this joke that should I win the lottery, I will be free from my depression.) I still don’t really have much appetite, but still eating at least. I still don’t entirely embrace the fact that I have to wait for time to pass to be recovered, whilst I cannot stop my daily medication and seeing the psychiatrist once a week. (To be honest, it can cost quite a lot financially, depending on your condition of course.)

即使在今天或最近幾天,我的心情就是你去玩過山車的感覺。試想像一下。我仍然一直可以隨機的瞬間充滿了淚水,而不是錢。 (因為我總是開自己這個玩笑,我如果贏了六合彩,我就不會有抑鬱症的了。)我還是真的沒有多少胃口,但至少還有在吃。我還沒有完全接受我必須等時間過才會恢復的事實,而我又不能停止我每日用藥,每週看一次精神科醫生。 (說實話,取決於你的情況,治療這病可以要相當多經濟成本。)

 

So here comes the golden advice: accept it, get well, then look forward to the merrier life in the future. You will see that it all comes down to you willing to hope for the good.

黃金建議:接納它,好起來,然後期待在未來會有更好的生活。你會看到,這一切都歸結到你有希望自己好的意願。

 

P.S. Thanks to a friend who sends me the link to the comic below!

P.S. 感謝朋友發送我下面的漫畫!

Collen Butters

❤ Lala

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