By talking about transition, I mean, it takes a great deal of time to get well. I do get pretty impatient and pissed off about myself actually. As the psychiatrist says that he estimates for my whole treatment to be completed, it will take 1 year. 1 year, that’s a long time, right?
I started to be on medication since the 22nd January 2016, precisely, when I was still living in the U.K. as a student, and not yet back home in Hong Kong. I know that almost in every post, I try to emphasise on the importance on getting medical treatment, but in fact, I am in it and I know how much courage it takes to make this decision, and then how much it hurts afterwards as the medication and talking therapy do not do magic, even it helps eventually.
Depression includes the symptoms of ‘blaming myself for everything’, ‘criticising myself for everything’, ‘lack of trust in medical treatment and in my ownself’, really almost made me stop wanting to continue with any treatment. Due to my personal experience, I have this habit, which is the problem of truly expressing myself when I come to encounter bad situations. For example, when some people’s hearts are like stone and do not treat me well, I will first tell myself, there must be something that I have done wrong or not doing good enough, so that they treat me that way; I don’t know how to rebel, and sometimes I am bounded by some realistic conditions that I cannot simply just stay away from these people, or change the environment. I am used to shut myself up, criticise myself deep down, apologise, even though I was not the wrongdoer. You might say, well, I should have not chosen to be a coward. But for many times, the reality dose not let me escape, as escaping may bring about even more serious consequences that may be immediately dangerous to me. I ask why unfortunate things happen to me, but people still assume that I have a better off life than they do? I have to admit that I am quite an unforgiving person, but I will see if I can let things go, for my own good.
My advice is to stay patient and restore trust in people who are trustworthy enough. Like this, even if the above mentioned symptoms kick in, tell you that you are the worst out of the worst, and you feel that the whole wide world finds you super disgraceful to mankind, and you want to kill yourself! What to do then?
So You brainwash yourself that you will get better. Yes, I mean literally brainwash yourself, so that patience with yourself sticks inside your head. This is how I manage to save myself from that hypnotising suicidal thought.
Even today, the recent days, my mood is like how you go on a roller coaster ride. Imagine it for yourself. I am still always full of tears at random moments, instead of full of money. (Because I always make myself this joke that should I win the lottery, I will be free from my depression.) I still don’t really have much appetite, but still eating at least. I still don’t entirely embrace the fact that I have to wait for time to pass to be recovered, whilst I cannot stop my daily medication and seeing the psychiatrist once a week. (To be honest, it can cost quite a lot financially, depending on your condition of course.)
即使在今天或最近幾天，我的心情就是你去玩過山車的感覺。試想像一下。我仍然一直可以隨機的瞬間充滿了淚水，而不是錢。 （因為我總是開自己這個玩笑，我如果贏了六合彩，我就不會有抑鬱症的了。）我還是真的沒有多少胃口，但至少還有在吃。我還沒有完全接受我必須等時間過才會恢復的事實，而我又不能停止我每日用藥，每週看一次精神科醫生。 （說實話，取決於你的情況，治療這病可以要相當多經濟成本。）
So here comes the golden advice: accept it, get well, then look forward to the merrier life in the future. You will see that it all comes down to you willing to hope for the good.
P.S. Thanks to a friend who sends me the link to the comic below!