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Seeing a psychiatrist 看精神科醫生

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U.K. Legoland, Christmas Time

Today was one of those days where I have to go back to see the psychiatrist as a regular ritual. Last week, I was told that I am getting better and so I started this blog, but, I still suffer from depression, anxiety, phobia.

今天我去找精神科醫生覆診。上週,醫生告訴我,我越來越好了,於是我就開始了這個博客。只是,我還是有抑鬱症,焦慮症,和恐懼症。

 

It might be worth mentioning that with depression, it is very important to choose a psychiatrist which the patient can truly ‘click with’. I first saw a talking therapist in UK actually. All she did was listening to me saying that I want to die, and she asked me why I still have not yet successfully managed to commit suicide then? Wow, thanks, are you asking me why I am still not dead yet? (sarcastic mode) Then I could not get to see a psychiatrist in UK, and I first saw another psychiatrist in Hong Kong for once, before I switched to the current one. It was quite an ‘interesting’ experience, with that first psychiatrist asking me for my political opinion besides many unrelated questions. I stayed with the current one, because at least we ‘clicked’ when we talked to each other. My way to get each session to start off with, was always to hand in a diary  for him to read, to save myself doing some talking, but let him to start asking questions and get things started. Today was also the first time that I cried crazily in front of him, and the first time he gave very precise opinions about decisions that I made, but normally, he would be very objective in everything that he said.

可能值得一提的是,抑鬱症,一個患者一定要選擇能真正「聊得來」的醫生。在英國我看了一次治療師。她所做的是聽我說我想死了,她就問我為什麼我到現在還沒有成功自殺呢?哇,謝謝,你是問我,為什麼我還沒有死嗎? (好諷刺)在英國我等不到看精神科醫生的機會,而我第一次在香港看的是另一個醫生,看了一次,我就換到當前這位。與第一位是一個相當「有趣」的經驗,被問到我的政治觀點,和許多無關痛癢的問題。我繼續看現在的這位醫生,因為至少我們「聊得來」。我的做法是每次會面要開始時,我會請醫生他閱讀我的日記,自己就不用說太多,讓他開始問問題來開始我們的對話。今天也是我第一次在他面前瘋狂地哭了,他也第一次明確地表達他認為我應做的是什麼,但通常情況下,他一切也說到很客觀的,不給予非常精確的意見。

 

Talking about phobia, I just developed a new and strange one this week, besides some old ones. I got impatient and furious if I had to queue so I am afraid of being in queues since then. I am afraid of the London underground, meaning tube-shape like things. When it was in January, I was afraid of both natural and room light, so I resorted to hide myself inside a cupboard to breathe in darkness. I have now got over with the clinking noise of china utensils, the noise you get when you use the china utensils in a traditional Chinese restaurant. I am still annoyed and have this fear for neighbourhood noises, when neighbours do some drilling work or fidgeting with a knife on a chopping board. At the least, now I no longer get excited at seeing a knife to grab it to cut myself, that’s a big improvement.

談到恐懼症,我這一周竟然有了一個新的和奇怪的恐懼症,而一些舊的仍然在。我不耐煩和憤怒,我排隊,我就害怕。我恐怕好像倫敦地鐵的管形的東西。1月時,我很害怕自然和室內的光線,所以我自己藏在櫥櫃裡,在黑暗中呼吸。現在我已經擺脫了害怕中國餐具的滴答聲,我是說,當你在一個傳統的中國餐館使用中國餐具時你得到的那個噪音。我仍然惱和擔心聽到鄰里的噪音,是說當鄰居做一些鑽孔作業或者在砧板用刀的時候。至少,現在我不再又看見刀子我就興奮得想去切自己,這是一個很大的進步。

 

To be a bit more detailed, my phobia makes me get anxious, and possible reactions include sweating, body-shaking, headache, heartache. I am glad that I don’t tend to scream now. When I was worse, I heard my own voice in my head telling me different means to kill myself. With phobia, taking medication helps to keep calm.

更詳細點,我的恐懼症讓我變得焦躁,可能的反應包括出汗,身體顫抖,頭痛,心痛不已。我很高興,我不會經常尖叫了。當我情況壞的時候,我聽見自己的聲音在我的腦袋裡說話,告訴我不同的方式自殺。對付恐懼症,服藥可以幫助保持平靜。

 

I am learning to be patient, to be able to accept that my whole treatment will take me one year.

我在學習要有耐心,要能接受我的整個治療會需要一年。

❤ Lala

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