Today was one of those days where I have to go back to see the psychiatrist as a regular ritual. Last week, I was told that I am getting better and so I started this blog, but, I still suffer from depression, anxiety, phobia.
It might be worth mentioning that with depression, it is very important to choose a psychiatrist which the patient can truly ‘click with’. I first saw a talking therapist in UK actually. All she did was listening to me saying that I want to die, and she asked me why I still have not yet successfully managed to commit suicide then? Wow, thanks, are you asking me why I am still not dead yet? (sarcastic mode) Then I could not get to see a psychiatrist in UK, and I first saw another psychiatrist in Hong Kong for once, before I switched to the current one. It was quite an ‘interesting’ experience, with that first psychiatrist asking me for my political opinion besides many unrelated questions. I stayed with the current one, because at least we ‘clicked’ when we talked to each other. My way to get each session to start off with, was always to hand in a diary for him to read, to save myself doing some talking, but let him to start asking questions and get things started. Today was also the first time that I cried crazily in front of him, and the first time he gave very precise opinions about decisions that I made, but normally, he would be very objective in everything that he said.
Talking about phobia, I just developed a new and strange one this week, besides some old ones. I got impatient and furious if I had to queue so I am afraid of being in queues since then. I am afraid of the London underground, meaning tube-shape like things. When it was in January, I was afraid of both natural and room light, so I resorted to hide myself inside a cupboard to breathe in darkness. I have now got over with the clinking noise of china utensils, the noise you get when you use the china utensils in a traditional Chinese restaurant. I am still annoyed and have this fear for neighbourhood noises, when neighbours do some drilling work or fidgeting with a knife on a chopping board. At the least, now I no longer get excited at seeing a knife to grab it to cut myself, that’s a big improvement.
To be a bit more detailed, my phobia makes me get anxious, and possible reactions include sweating, body-shaking, headache, heartache. I am glad that I don’t tend to scream now. When I was worse, I heard my own voice in my head telling me different means to kill myself. With phobia, taking medication helps to keep calm.
I am learning to be patient, to be able to accept that my whole treatment will take me one year.