I feel a bit out of words today, maybe too tired after I went hiking earlier, and clumsy-me slipped my feet into a water stream. LOL! Anyways, I have the urge to talk about how to make personal thoughts about depression, so to try to get out of it.
With a pessimistic personality, I had 3 periods of life where I experienced depression, and apparently the third time led me into clinical depression, so it was not so bad back then. I will narrate my past chronologically.
The first time when I was truly feeling down for a long time, was when I first started not living at home 24/7, which could be summed up with a few words: homesick, too young, anxiety. I was anxious, not used to live with the others under the same roof, not able to adapt to the new environment and people easily. I was in my early teens, and I cried over the phone talking to my family abroad almost everyday. I had quite serious eczema that time, and I only figured out this year that it was mainly due to stress that I had rashes all over my body that time, better not to call it simple skin allergy. No wonder I eventually got rid of all my rashes naturally. I had made some good friends, but I also had some issues with some others which made me distressed. However depressed I was, I still had the motivation to do different things, despite the itchy body and all the mental pressure. When a person is depressed in medical terms, which I put as ‘clinical depression’, you have no motivation for anything, maybe only the motivation for suicide.
The second time, I was in the middle of preparing myself academically to get into university. I was already independent, yet, the academic stress, the competitive and gossipy environment overwhelmed me, with hardship in having relationship with people. I found it hard to communicate with people, I remember that I would even let my bad temper out on certain people – to them, I want to apologise for my depression.
第二次，我是在努力準備自己的大學升學。我已經獨立，然而，學業壓力，競爭和八卦環境抑壓了我，在與人的關係也出現問題。我發現很難與人交流，我記得我甚至讓我的壞脾氣釋放於某些人 – 對於他們，我要為我的抑鬱症道歉。
I am a very competitive person, a workaholic. So even I have more sad time than happy time, I still want to live. There had been few months when I was so stressed academically, loneliness and low confidence drowned me. I got pimples all over my face, so I decided to apply very heavy makeup when I left the house, and I would cry and slap myself very hard on my cheek when I had removed my makeup, because I found myself looking disgusting in the mirror. I could not do well academically as well. Luckily, I made the decision to see the doctor, and my confidence came back to me thanks to antibiotics.
The third time, it started in late October 2015. I could not describe how strange this was! The worst I got physically was one of those usual flus, there was less pressure in studies and in life comparatively, but I could cry everyday, day and night, anxious about everything and everyone. I could put out the best side of me in front of the others, and only when I was alone, I got into all sorts of emotional breakdown. Finally, I enjoyed self-harming and became suicidal. For a very long time, all I got was tears, loss of hope to my own life, loss of faith in humanity, extremely skeptical, body reacted randomly with the constant change in body temperature, shaking. I was so amazed at how much I could cry, day after day.
I got through the darkest time, because I held the mere wish that I wanted to see the people I love before I die, and I have this weird belief that I would end up in heaven rather than hell. This mere wish was extremely important, because this wish led me to reveal to those people I love about my depressed condition, and they saved me in being patient with me, willing to take care of me and to go through my depression with me.
Tell a depression patient to hold tight to their attachment to their loved ones mentally, and if possible, physically! No one is to get through depression alone.
P.S. To brighten things up a little, I attach the photo of baby Yannis, who I am going to babysit in a few days time. Happy Easter!
附：開心一下，我附上BB Yannis 的照片，我會在幾天之後來給她托兒。 復活節快樂！