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Depression&Me 抑鬱症&我

I feel a bit out of words today, maybe too tired after I went hiking earlier, and clumsy-me slipped my feet into a water stream. LOL! Anyways, I have the urge to talk about how to make personal thoughts about depression, so to try to get out of it.

我今天感覺有點說不出話來,也許是去了行山後太勞累,笨拙的我將雙腳滑進水流裡去。 LOL!不管怎麼說,我有強烈感覺要去談談如何由做出個人想法,去試圖擺脫抑鬱症。

 

With a pessimistic personality, I had 3 periods of life where I experienced depression, and apparently the third time led me into clinical depression, so it was not so bad back then. I will narrate my past chronologically.

有悲觀性格的我於人生裡有3個週期我經歷過抑鬱,顯然,第三次就帶領我進入醫學上的抑鬱症,所以以前的情況是沒有那麼糟糕的。我會按時間順序講述我的過去。

 

The first time when I was truly feeling down for a long time, was when I first started not living at home 24/7, which could be summed up with a few words: homesick, too young, anxiety. I was anxious, not used to live with the others under the same roof, not able to adapt to the new environment and people easily. I was in my early teens, and I cried over the phone talking to my family abroad almost everyday. I had quite serious eczema that time, and I only figured out this year that it was mainly due to stress that I had rashes all over my body that time, better not to call it simple skin allergy. No wonder I eventually got rid of all my rashes naturally. I had made some good friends, but I also had some issues with some others which made me distressed. However depressed I was, I still had the motivation to do different things, despite the itchy body and all the mental pressure. When a person is depressed in medical terms, which I put as ‘clinical depression’, you have no motivation for anything, maybe only the motivation for suicide.

我第一次真正的情緒低落了很長一段時間,是在我剛開始24/7不在家裡住,來概括就是:想家了,太年輕了,焦慮。我焦慮了,不習慣與別人住在同一屋簷下,無法容易地適應新的環境和人們。我是在十幾歲的時候,我幾乎每天跟我國外的家人在電話哭了。那個時候我有幾嚴重的濕疹,到今年我先知道,這主要是由於緊張引起,那個時候的我皮疹遍我全身,不可以解釋它為簡單的皮膚過敏。難怪我之後自然地擺脫了我所有的皮疹。我認識了一些很好的朋友,但我和一些人也有一些煩惱。儘管身體發癢和有精神壓力,抑鬱的我仍然有動力去做不同的事情。當一個人於醫學術語,有即我叫做「臨床抑鬱症」的時候,你沒有絲毫動力,也許只有動力自殺了。

 

The second time, I was in the middle of preparing myself academically to get into university. I was already independent, yet, the academic stress, the competitive and gossipy environment overwhelmed me, with hardship in having relationship with people. I found it hard to communicate with people, I remember that I would even let my bad temper out on certain people – to them, I want to apologise for my depression.

第二次,我是在努力準備自己的大學升學。我已經獨立,然而,學業壓力,競爭和八卦環境抑壓了我,在與人的關係也出現問題。我發現很難與人交流,我記得我甚至讓我的壞脾氣釋放於某些人 – 對於他們,我要為我的抑鬱症道歉。

 

I am a very competitive person, a workaholic. So even I have more sad time than happy time, I still want to live. There had been few months when I was so stressed academically, loneliness and low confidence drowned me. I got pimples all over my face, so I decided to apply very heavy makeup when I left the house, and I would cry and slap myself very hard on my cheek when I had removed my makeup, because I found myself looking disgusting in the mirror. I could not do well academically as well. Luckily, I made the decision to see the doctor, and my confidence came back to me thanks to antibiotics.

我是一個非常愛競爭的人,是個工作狂。因此,即使我有更多的時間悲傷,比快樂多,我還是想活。曾有幾個月,當我有好大的學習壓力,孤獨和低自信心淹沒了我。在我的臉上我有很多青春痘,所以我決定外出時非常濃妝,而我落妝後,我哭慘了,打我的臉頰,因為我發現自己在鏡子裡好噁心。我學習上也不理想。幸運的是,我決定去看醫生,感謝抗生素,我的信心回來找我了。

 

The third time, it started in late October 2015. I could not describe how strange this was! The worst I got physically was one of those usual flus, there was less pressure in studies and in life comparatively, but I could cry everyday, day and night, anxious about everything and everyone. I could put out the best side of me in front of the others, and only when I was alone, I got into all sorts of emotional breakdown. Finally, I enjoyed self-harming and became suicidal. For a very long time, all I got was tears, loss of hope to my own life, loss of faith in humanity, extremely skeptical, body reacted randomly with the constant change in body temperature, shaking. I was so amazed at how much I could cry, day after day.

第三次,是在2015年十月下旬開始的。我無法描述這是多麼奇怪!我最糟糕的身體狀況是流感吧,在學習和生活中的壓力相對較小,但我可以每天由朝哭到晚,擔心身邊的人和事。我可以在別人面前拿出最好的一面,只有當我獨自一人,我鑽進了種種情緒故障。最後,我喜歡自殘和自殺。在很長一段時間,我得到的僅有淚水,失去對生活的希望,對人性喪失信任,非常陰謀論,體溫隨機反應的不斷變化,顫抖。我在我能天天哭的能力上可是讚歎不已。

 

I got through the darkest time, because I held the mere wish that I wanted to see the people I love before I die, and I have this weird belief that I would end up in heaven rather than hell. This mere wish was extremely important, because this wish led me to reveal to those people I love about my depressed condition, and they saved me in being patient with me, willing to take care of me and to go through my depression with me.

我度過了最黑暗的時間了,因為我堅持我的小希望,是死之前想見一下我愛的人,而我有這個奇怪的信念,就是我死了會去天堂而不是地獄。這小希望是極其重要的,因為這個希望使我透露給那些我愛的人我的壓抑狀態,他們救了我,耐心陪我,願意照顧我,和我一起渡過我的抑鬱症。

 

Tell a depression patient to hold tight to their attachment to their loved ones mentally, and if possible, physically! No one is to get through depression alone.

請您叫抑鬱症患者去抱緊自己想念愛的人的精神,如果可能的話,留在他們身邊!沒有一個抑鬱症病人應該單獨面對這個病的。

 

P.S. To brighten things up a little, I attach the photo of baby Yannis, who I am going to babysit in a few days time. Happy Easter!

附:開心一下,我附上BB Yannis 的照片,我會在幾天之後來給她托兒。 復活節快樂!

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Baby Yannis, 2.5 years old

❤ Lala

 

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