Mastermind

Get it right 不要再出錯了

maxresdefault

Get it right – Glee version Youtube

I don’t know why I can’t stop crying this whole evening and I am crying as I am writing now. I see crying as a weakness of mine, but I decide to be blunt about it. I know I won’t die from crying. I am just not so well today, I feel like I am back to the past, when I cried myself to bed, tears ran down as my eyes opened in the morning. Heart pumping crazily.

這整個晚上,我不知道為什麼我不能停止哭泣,我現在正一邊寫一邊哭。我覺得哭是我的一個弱點吧,我承認好了。我知道我不會哭至死去。今天我只是有些不適,我覺得我回到了過去,當我哭到自己睡,而我一張開眼睛就流眼淚了。心臟瘋狂地跳。

 

I remember how I could not get things right, my mood had been just like how it is in the song attached. When I listened to this in the past, this was like a force driving me to commit suicide or at least to harm myself to get some relief. I used sharp things to cut myself, I wanted to run into moving vehicles on the road to get hurt, I wanted to jump out of a balcony. I was naive to have made myself go wasted in 30 seconds with alcohol and cried till I fainted on the bed, thinking that I would be in heaven when I next opened my eyes.

我記得我就是不能把事情做好,而當時我的心情就像我附上的歌曲裡一樣。當我在過去聽了這首歌,這就像一個驅動力叫我自殺,或者至少要傷害一下自己去得到一定的緩解。我用尖銳的東西切我自己,我想衝到馬路上去讓行駛的車輛傷害自己,我想由陽台跳下去。我之前天真以為,我在30秒內把酒都喝掉,哭到我暈倒在床上,當我下一次睜開眼睛就會在天堂了。

 

I eventually took up a knife to want to stab myself, another time seeking to jump into the sea, for a few times I decided to dial 999 to get arrested by the police, but I am still here because some people managed to stop me from doing so.

我最終拿起一把刀想捅死我自己,又試圖跳海,又幾次要撥打999去請警察逮捕我,但我還在活著,因為有人設法阻止我這樣做。

 

It was so embarrassing when I wanted to jump into the sea, because I screamed out ‘Help!’, and everyone on the street stared at me.

想去跳海的時候是如此尷尬,因為我大叫:「救命呀!」,於是每個在街上的人都盯著我看。

 

I am thankful that each time, there were people who stopped me from doing so, in time. I come to think that maybe some people who I know personally are the victims of mental sickness, I cannot describe into words how much I want to get them to become better, and get medical treatment if needed.

我很感激每次還有人及時阻止我這樣做。我知道有些我認識的人可能是在被精神疾病折磨著,我無法用語言形容,我是多麼希望讓他們好起來,並在必要時就醫。

 

However, I am still so skeptical, feeling so suppressed, so guilty, somehow ashamed of myself, extremely pressurised and worn out.

不過,我還是那麼的疑心重,感覺很壓抑,很內疚,不知何故慚愧,極度大壓力和疲倦。

 

Writing up to here, finally I manage to stop crying too. I am trying to learn this one thing – to move on. Maybe for certain things at least, I need to let them go, however hurtful this process might be. But my heart still aches a lot.

寫到這裡,我終於可以不哭了。我嘗試學這樣的一件事 – 放下。也許至少在某些事情上,過程好痛苦,我也需要讓它們變成過去。但我的心還在隱隱作痛。

❤ Lala

Advertisements

One thought on “Get it right 不要再出錯了

Comments are closed.