I don’t know why I can’t stop crying this whole evening and I am crying as I am writing now. I see crying as a weakness of mine, but I decide to be blunt about it. I know I won’t die from crying. I am just not so well today, I feel like I am back to the past, when I cried myself to bed, tears ran down as my eyes opened in the morning. Heart pumping crazily.
I remember how I could not get things right, my mood had been just like how it is in the song attached. When I listened to this in the past, this was like a force driving me to commit suicide or at least to harm myself to get some relief. I used sharp things to cut myself, I wanted to run into moving vehicles on the road to get hurt, I wanted to jump out of a balcony. I was naive to have made myself go wasted in 30 seconds with alcohol and cried till I fainted on the bed, thinking that I would be in heaven when I next opened my eyes.
I eventually took up a knife to want to stab myself, another time seeking to jump into the sea, for a few times I decided to dial 999 to get arrested by the police, but I am still here because some people managed to stop me from doing so.
It was so embarrassing when I wanted to jump into the sea, because I screamed out ‘Help!’, and everyone on the street stared at me.
I am thankful that each time, there were people who stopped me from doing so, in time. I come to think that maybe some people who I know personally are the victims of mental sickness, I cannot describe into words how much I want to get them to become better, and get medical treatment if needed.
However, I am still so skeptical, feeling so suppressed, so guilty, somehow ashamed of myself, extremely pressurised and worn out.
Writing up to here, finally I manage to stop crying too. I am trying to learn this one thing – to move on. Maybe for certain things at least, I need to let them go, however hurtful this process might be. But my heart still aches a lot.
寫到這裡，我終於可以不哭了。我嘗試學這樣的一件事 – 放下。也許至少在某些事情上，過程好痛苦，我也需要讓它們變成過去。但我的心還在隱隱作痛。