In fact, I took up lots of courage before I get determined to start this blog. I had various feelings, or you can call them symptoms that made me want to hide myself from the eyes of the world. I was so ashamed of my depression. Everyday I ask myself, what did I do wrong to get punished to become clinically depressed? What if people give me discriminating faces or comments, calling me a monster (when I called myself ‘rubbish’ everyday), thinking that I will go out there to do harm to others in the society? By the way, depression patients are not violent, although it is true that some other types of mental illnesses make the patient to become violent.
Now I come to this stage: if someone gives me negative reaction when they find out that I am a depression patient, stay away from me then (I did get some bad reactions from certain people); if someone is Ok with it, stay in contact then, whoever that is. Let me also point out that depression can be caused by one or multiple reasons too, so please don’t simply say that those suicidal students want to die due to academic stress only. So if mentally ill patients bother you, you are welcome to leave the blog, right now.
One symptom about depression is that a person, from my own experience at least, is always ashamed, undervaluing herself. Not that depression is incurable, but the depression patient herself finds seeking medical treatment shameful, not wanting to reveal to the world that she is depressed.
I will sum up my condition: I had some failed suicide attempts and frequent suicidal thoughts, I could cry from day to night, cried myself to bed, random phobia about certain noises and objects, unable to be alone but managed to wear a ‘mask’ and smiled in front of everyone, self-isolation if possible, unable to stop myself from producing negative thoughts, some kind of persecution mania, no motivation for everything and anything, no longer able to focus on anything, almost lost self-control in front of the public. I lost all my self-confidence, and I remember only accusations from others, only able to recall negative memories.
For me, the most scary thing about depression is that anything can speed up the suicidal thought for a depression patient, and there are individual differences. There are different stages that I have been going through, but I will try to note down things or words that I would advise on people for to do and not to do, to say and not to say to a depression patient.
For now, I am learning to grasp the context like the one in the song ‘Nothing on you’, Bruno Mars. Attached is the Wonder Girls version.
現在，我正在學習掌握像在歌曲“Nothing on you”, Bruno Mars 的心境。附上Wonder Girls的版本。