Mastermind

Depressed confession 抑鬱的表白

depression-1

In fact, I took up lots of courage before I get determined to start this blog. I had various feelings, or you can call them symptoms that made me want to hide myself from the eyes of the world. I was so ashamed of my depression. Everyday I ask myself, what did I do wrong to get punished to become clinically depressed? What if people give me discriminating faces or comments, calling me a monster (when I called myself ‘rubbish’ everyday), thinking that I will go out there to do harm to others in the society? By the way, depression patients are not violent, although it is true that some other types of mental illnesses make the patient to become violent.

事實上,我要鼓起很多很多的勇氣去下決心開始寫這個博客。我有不同的感受,或者可以稱之為「症狀」,讓我想隱藏自己去避開全世界的目光。我很慚愧我有抑鬱症。我每天都在問自己,我做錯了什麼,於是得到懲罰要成為抑鬱症病人呢?如果人們給我歧視性的面口或感言,叫我做怪物(當我每天稱自己為“垃圾”),甚至以為我會去社會裡做傷害他人的行為嗎?順便說一句,抑鬱症患者沒有暴力傾向,雖然事實上,一些其他類型的精神疾病患者可以是暴力的。

 

Now I come to this stage: if someone gives me negative reaction when they find out that I am a depression patient, stay away from me then (I did get some bad reactions from certain people); if someone is Ok with it, stay in contact then, whoever that is. Let me also point out that depression can be caused by one or multiple reasons too, so please don’t simply say that those suicidal students want to die due to academic stress only. So if mentally ill patients bother you, you are welcome to leave the blog, right now.

現在我來到這境界:如果有人當發現我是一個抑鬱症病人而給我負面的反應,離我遠點,然後(我可確實得到一些人的負面反應) 如果覺得沒有什麼大不了,就和我保持聯繫就是了。讓我來指出,抑鬱症可以由一個或多個原因引起的,所以請不要說自殺的那些學生想死,原因就是學業壓力罷了。所以,如果精神病患者打擾你的心緒,歡迎你離開這博客,是現在立即離開。

 

One symptom about depression is that a person, from my own experience at least, is always ashamed, undervaluing herself. Not that depression is incurable, but the depression patient herself finds seeking medical treatment shameful, not wanting to reveal to the world that she is depressed.

抑鬱症的其中一個症狀就是,該人- 從我自己的經驗來說,總是覺得慚愧,自己低估自己。抑鬱症不是不治之症,但抑鬱症病人自己認定自己因為就醫是丟人的,不想透露給世人知道。

 

I will sum up my condition: I had some failed suicide attempts and frequent suicidal thoughts, I could cry from day to night, cried myself to bed, random phobia about certain noises and objects, unable to be alone but managed to wear a ‘mask’ and smiled in front of everyone, self-isolation if possible, unable to stop myself from producing negative thoughts, some kind of persecution mania, no motivation for everything and anything, no longer able to focus on anything, almost lost self-control in front of the public. I lost all my self-confidence, and I remember only accusations from others, only able to recall negative memories.

我會總結一下我的情況:我有一些失敗的自殺經驗和頻繁自殺的念頭,我可以從白天哭到晚上,我哭到自己睡著,對某些噪音和物體有不明的恐懼症,無法獨處,但設法戴上「面具」用笑容去面對每個人,如果可能的話就自我孤立,無法停止積蓄消極的想法,有點自我妄想迫害狂似的,沒有動力做任何事情,不再能夠專注於任何事,在公眾場合可以幾乎失去了自我控制。我失去了我所有的自信,我只記得別人的指責,只能想起負面的記憶。

 

For me, the most scary thing about depression is that anything can speed up the suicidal thought for a depression patient, and there are individual differences. There are different stages that I have been going through, but I will try to note down things or words that I would advise on people for to do and not to do, to say and not to say to a depression patient.

對我來說,抑鬱症最可怕的是,任何事情都可能加快抑鬱症患者自殺的念頭,當然每人都有點反應不一樣。我經歷過不同的階段,但我會盡量記下我建議人們對一個抑鬱症患者應做或不應做的,應說和不應說的。

 

For now, I am learning to grasp the context like the one in the song ‘Nothing on you’, Bruno Mars. Attached is the Wonder Girls version.

現在,我正在學習掌握像在歌曲“Nothing on you”, Bruno Mars 的心境。附上Wonder Girls的版本。

❤ Lala

Nothing On You – Wonder Girls

 

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